Jackie Chan Adventures: Olympian Journey
by MultiplePersonas
Summary: Set 1 year after season 5. Jackie unleashes an entirely new magical catastrophe when he brings a Grecian urn back to San Francisco. Now the Chan clan must once again travel the globe to keep powerful magic out of the hands of evil. Can the Chans prevent the return of the Olympians and the destruction of humanity? A collaboration with Green Phantom Queen and PA2.
1. Fight at the Museum

**GPQ: Okay, so I was asked to make some sort of "intro" to a story that wasn't my own. Hope I'm setting off on the right foot here.**

 _MP: So, Queenie, you made it!_

 **GPQ: Huh? Who said that?**

 _MP: Down here, if you will._

 **GPQ: Oh, Multi. So, you needed my help with something?**

 _MP: Yeah, just waiting for PA2 to show up and all (And can I call you 'Queenie' or is that too…)_

 **GPQ: "Phantom Queen" is okay. I'm not ready to give my real name just yet.**

PA2: So, have I missed out on anything?

 _MP: Just Phantom Queen about to start off on our 'Grecian Journey' story._

PA2: Oh, right. So, take it away!

 **GPQ: So then, welcome to a hypothetical Jackie Chan Adventures season 6 where the Chans find out how much a Grecian earns.**

 _MP/PA2:..._

 **GPQ:...Too cliché?**

 _MP: Yes, and that's coming from_ me _!_

 **GPQ: Right...let's just start story now.**

 _MP: Not so fast! First, a little background. This fic has been a three-way collab that's been tricky to coordinate due to vastly different schedules and one radically different time zone._

 **GPQ: Myanmar isn't a really nice place for collaborations. Trust me, Democracy here was supposed to start 60 years ago. (If you don't get what I'm talking about, go to a library)**

PA2: Nonetheless, the three of us kept on going, collaborating and overcoming the distance to create the best possible story.

 _MP: Hopefully, the results will speak for themselves. And hopefully it will show how much we loved the series that inspired it._

 **GPQ: And with that,** _ **now**_ **we start.**

 **Jackie Chan Adventures: Olympian Journey**

 **Chapter 1: Fight at the Museum**

"According to the Athenian scrolls, the Lost Shrine of Corycia should be right behind that wall," Jackie said to himself, holding up his fluorescent lantern to the ancient scroll in his other hand. The wall, like the scroll, was marked with a symbol of a stylized apple. Smiling, he pressed his hand to the symbol, which sank into the wall.

A handsome Chinese fellow with no small passion for his work, Jackie Chan was a true archaeologist at heart. He had made multiple discoveries in his career in archaeology, including two different lost Mesoamerican cities, but every new discovery was a new excitement to him. To peer in on something that nobody had laid eyes on in centuries was a thrill beyond compare. It had been nothing more than a stroke of incredible luck in a previous dig in Athens that he'd discovered a scroll with this information, and after weeks of translating the exact instructions, he had gotten the university to sponsor his journey to investigate the Corycian Cave on the slope of Mount Parnassus, high above Delphi. And now here he was, finally about to unlock its secrets.

 _Rumble, rumble._

The wall seamlessly sank into the floor, exposing a long corridor expertly carved into the bare rock. A cloud of dust, undisturbed for millennia, kicked up and made Jackie sneeze, but he stepped forward blindly into the passage.

 _Shwing!_

Jackie's well-honed reflexes, brought about by years of training, were all that saved him from being impaled by a bronze-tipped spear that shot out of the wall. Now that the dust had cleared, Jackie gasped as he saw dozens of holes pocketing the walls. He sprinted forward at full speed down the corridor, leaping and ducking and rolling aside as more and more spears emerged from the holes at high speeds, each one ready to kill him of he made even one mistake.

"Bad day, bad day, _bad day_!" Jackie cried as he bolted down the hall. Finally, he reached a point where there seemed to be no more holes for hidden traps...

Or so he thought until twin jars dropped to the floor from two more holes just above his head, bigger than the rest. The jars shattered on impact, releasing their contents in a fiery explosion.

"Greek fire?!" Jackie cried, leaping up and over them. It wasn't a perfect move-his backside was singed in the process. His target now in sight, Jackie dropped and rolled into the hidden shrine, putting out the fire on his pants. Desperate, he popped back to his feet and pulled off his jacket, desperately trying to smother the flames before they reached the wooden spear shafts, only to fail miserably as they ignited. With no other choice, Jackie backflipped into the shrine, striking his back against a marble dais as he did. The plinth shook, and the artifact atop it, a decorative _amphora_ , still tightly sealed, fell from it, but Jackie swiped his leg and sent it back into the air, then caught it in his outstretched fingers. With a sigh, he placed it back on the dais.

As the spears burned up, Jackie relaxed for a moment. The fire wouldn't spread any further. It would burn itself out soon, and if he stayed low the smoke wouldn't harm him. Then he could just walk out.

In the meantime, Jackie examined the inscriptions over the walls: beautiful murals of the gods among mortals, combined with row after row of ancient Greek writing. Jackie would have to make rubbings of every bit of this and bring it over for translation. What fun!

Still, his eyes wandered back to the one artifact within the hidden shrine. That urn was something special, that he knew for sure. The San Francisco museum would be very happy to have it, especially with the new Greek exhibit opening. Jackie himself had supplied nearly half of the antiquities in it on his last dig, hence why he and his family were to be guests of honor at the gala celebrating it.

"Wait until they see _this_ ," he chuckled to himself.

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 **Three days later…**

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

Back in San Francisco…

Jade Chan, Jackie Chan's spunky 13-year-old niece, adjusted her mask and took a deep breath as she scanned her surroundings. She had to stay vigilant; one false move and it would be the end of her there and then.

She was on a mission; retrieve covert information then hightail it out of there, naturally without getting caught.

Right now, no one had noticed her. Years of practicing martial arts with Uncle Jackie, sneaking out to accompany him for his missions, and her small size, made it easy to infiltrate the enemy's headquarters without causing suspicion. After all, if she could get the Talismans by latching a hook on an ID and figuring out the password to the vault from two hints, this would be a piece of cake.

Which reminded her...after this mission was over, she was going to get a bite to eat.

Darting off to the side, she hugged the wall and inched closer to the guard. For once, the fact that she had barely grown an inch in the past several years actually paid off, and her skintight black ninja outfit certainly helped. Then, moving with speed and silence, she delivered a flying kick to the back of his head and knocked him out. From there, she stole his key card and opened the door behind him. She gasped when she found a dozen more men behind it, each in black ski masks, and each wielding Tasers.

As the first guard lunged for her, she leapt straight up, bouncing off of his head and slamming her foot into another, who crumbled into a third, pinning him down. As the fourth reached to tase her, she fell to the floor, swung a foot to knock the fifth off of his feet, then used the momentum to swing him into the sixth, who caught the fourth's punch and collapsed onto the fifth. Snatching Tasers from two of the fallen men, she leapt up and attacked the first and fourth, incapacitating them, and finished off the seventh and eighth in similar fashion.

"The grunts always work in groups, don't they?" she asked, shaking her head.

The four remaining men growled and attacked with renewed vigor, but Jade dodged them, ran up a wall, then backflipped down on one, striking him with both Tasers at once. He collapsed to the floor and she used him as a trampoline to knock out the tenth with an elbow to the face. As she fell, though, guard #11 seized her from behind, restraining her arms and holding her for the last one to finish.

"Tch, like nobody's tried _that_ before!" she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm as she flicked her wrists and pointed the Tasers backwards. The guard collapsed just as the final guard threw his punch. With nothing to hit, he flew off-balance, and Jade finished him with a punch to the crotch.

With all twelve guards down, Jade walked over to take her prize. She walked over to the desk where a computer sat. She turned it on and entered the passcode she'd stolen in a previous assignment, and then inserted a thumb drive into it. Smirking, she dragged the necessary file over and began the download.

Just when her job seemed complete, Jade was yanked upward by the back of her shirt and violently pressed into a wall by a tall masked figure. Jade gasped as her face hit the wall, but was still able to struggle in her opponent's grip. The man pulled off her mask, exposing her shoulder-length black hair, amber eyes, and pouting face.

"Did you really think that one kick to the face would knock out a grown man?" he asked in a familiar voice. It was Guard #2. He sighed and dropped Jade, then removed his mask, revealing himself as a middle-aged man with a shaved head and a kind (if a little mischievous) grin.

"It's worked before," Jade replied mulishly, crossing her arms over her chest. "Besides, shouldn't there be some sort of 'One strike you're out' rule?"

"Real life doesn't have rules like that," the man replied. "You asked for the hardest exercise we could give."

"And you said no!" Jade argued. "Come on, Captain Black! They didn't even have _real_ weapons! I'm never gonna be a full-fledged agent if you don't stop with the kid stuff!" She gestured to the other men, who were pulling themselves to their feet. Not a single one of them was actually hurt, thanks to the rubber insulated linings of their jackets.

"And I'll never make you one if you don't learn to control yourself!" Captain Black snapped. Then his face softened, and he sighed and set her down to face him. "Jade, you've got to play to your strengths, especially on a stealth mission like this. The air vents were right there, but you chose to go in through the door _knowing_ it'd lead to a fight. Jackie may have trained you well in kung fu, but you're still a kid, whether you believe it or not. You've got to stop throwing yourself into unnecessary conflicts. You'll likely get yourself killed, and then your uncle will kill _me_!"

The anger drained out of Jade, leaving behind a melancholy. "...I know," she said quietly. "It's just...fighting used to solve everything. The Dark Hand, Daolon Wong, Tarakudo...kicking butt was kind of essential against them. Now that most of the magic is gone, it's hard to get used to being just a plain old spy."

"I get where you're coming from," Captain Black said ruefully. "Believe me, this past year has been pretty boring by comparison. And you're _not_ a spy. Not yet, anyway. But you've got a real knack for it. You got farther than a lot of first-timers on this exercise."

Jade brightened. "Really?"

"Hey, you made it to the console. Most people fail at one of the first checkpoints," Captain Black said with a shrug. "And if it helps, think about it like this; your goal for the mission? To get into your uncle's next adventure."

At that, Jade smirked. "Yeah, I think that'd definitely help."

"That's the spirit," Captain Black said as he helped her up. "Believe me, I wouldn't be spending the time if I thought you weren't committed. But your heart's in the right place, and your skills are getting there. Just need to let your head catch up."

"Yeah, yeah," Jade snarked playfully. "So, any more training for today?"

"No, I think we've done enough of that for now," Captain Black said. "Besides," he continued, looking at his watch. "Jackie should be back any minute now. Let's head to Uncle's shop."

"Heck yeah!" Jade cheered. "Can't wait to see what he brought home this time!"

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Uncle's Rare Finds was still the same after all this time. Filled with ancient treasures from every Chinese dynasty, as well as a library's worth of books on every imaginable kind of chi spell.

It also contained Uncle, an old Chinese man with spiky gray hair and a constantly sour expression, listening to Jackie gush about his exploration of the Shrine and about his latest find, the _amphora_ currently sitting on Uncle's desk. True to his name, he was Jackie's uncle. At least, they were pretty sure he was.

"There were so much to learn there!" Jackie said, smiling widely. "I can't believe it went undiscovered for thi-OW!" he yelped as he was hit on the head by one of Uncle's signature two-finger strikes.

"If you have so much time to travel, you can spend it helping Uncle get more customers!" Uncle grumbled. Bereft of magical phenomena to study, Uncle had put most of his attention on his antique store. Unfortunately, customers hadn't, even after Jade had helped Uncle create a website for it.

"Don't you have Tohru to help you out?" asked Jackie.

"He _very_ busy studying chi magic," Uncle scoffed, jabbing a thumb toward the back room.

Indeed, the sumo-sized man was currently experimenting behind them, one of Uncle's books open before him.

" _Yu Mo Gui Gwai Fai Di Zao_ ," he chanted quietly as he held his personal blowfish and petrified newt, a green glow illuminating the scrap of parchment in front of him. He kept chanting as he delicately dipped the tip of the newt's tail into an inkpot. Once the tail was saturated, he gingerly proceeded to place it against the parchment...which promptly released a huge plume of smoke.

Uncle and Jackie both turned as Tohru stumbled out of the room, coughing wildly and rubbing at his eyes. The smell of rotting eggs and burnt paper filled the air.

"Aiyah!" Uncle shrieked. "Tohru, you trying to burn down Uncle's store?!"

"No, sensei," Tohru responded sheepishly, still coughing. Despite no longer truly being Uncle's student, he still referred to him as his teacher. "I'd been reading Lo Pei's memoirs and wanted to try sealing spells into paper-OW!" he shouted as Uncle struck him in the head.

"How many times must Uncle tell you?" the old man demanded. "Old masters revered for a reason! Spells hard to duplicate!"

"But sensei, the formula seemed sound," Tohru protested. "I even squeezed a clove of garlic into the ink."

Uncle whacked him again. "Found your problem! For proper strength, need _more_ garlic! Next time, use three!"

"Yes, sensei," Tohru replied, bowing his head.

"Wait, that shouldn't even be possibl-OW!" Jackie yelped as Uncle turned back to him with another blow.

"Never question Uncle!" he said, wagging his finger. "If chi wizards let little things stop them, then Demon Sorcerers would still be running around!"

"Yeah, and who could use _that_ kind of excitement?" Jade asked, popping up behind them. Now she was dressed in her favorite outfit: an orange short-sleeved hoodie over a long-sleeved white tee, jeans, and sneakers. Captain Black was right behind her, in his own favorite outfit of a dark trenchcoat over a red turtleneck and slacks.

As Jackie yelped and patted his heart to calm himself down, she spotted the _amphora_ on Uncle's desk and leapt up to grab it. "So, Jackie, what'd you bring me?"

Just as she laid her hands on it, she felt Jackie lifting her up by her hood. She groaned. "Come on, seriously? You could try asking first!"

"Would you listen?" Jackie asked, sighing and shaking his head. He knew what the answer was going to be.

"Probably not, but it'd feel better than being picked up all the time," Jade replied bluntly. "You know, one of these days I'll be too big, so you should stop now before your hurt yourself. Anyway, what's in the urn?" she continued, rapidly shifting gears.

Jackie dropped her and shrugged. "Technically, it's an _amphora_ , and I don't know. I thought we could all take a look."

Jade's eyes widened. "Really?" she asked excitedly. "Usually you'd be all, 'This must go right to the museum!'" she said, doing an honestly pretty decent impression of Jackie's voice. At his surprised look, she merely said, "Captain Black's been teaching me how to do voices."

"Don't tell him that," Captain Black mumbled in her ear.

"I am not having this conversation right now," Jackie muttered to himself, kneading his eyes. "Anyway," he continued, "normally you'd be right. But this was a last-minute find, and the exhibit's too far along to add it in, especially with the gala tonight. The museum said I could take a look at it before they put it in storage, and I figured that here was the safest place."

"So let's crack this baby open!" Jade said. She seized the urn's lid and twisted, but it remained in place. She strained and struggled, her face flushing, but the lid simply refused to budge.

"Gently, gently!" Jackie shouted, his fear for the urn palpable. As he watched Jade struggle, however, he began to notice something. A strange glinting coming off of the urn...

"Let me try," Captain Black suggested, a bit forcefully. He took the ancient jar, but his luck was no better. As he sighed, Tohru snatched it up in his massive hands. He grunted with effort as he twisted and turned, the veins bulging in his neck, but still the urn simply wouldn't yield.

"Enough!" Uncle snapped. "Urn is obviously magic! Probably sealed for good reason! Give it to me! I must do _research_ on it!"

"No, give it to _me_ so that we can put it in Section 13!" Captain Black said forcefully as Tohru began clutching the urn to his chest possessively. "We didn't let you keep the Talismans here, so why would we let you keep this?"

"Oh please!" Jade snapped. "We're the ones who got you all your best stuff! And if anyone should get it, it should be me! I _know_ how to handle stuff like this, and it's been ages since I've had anything cool or magic to do!"

"Really? And why you over the trained chi wizard, hm?" Tohru asked snidely. Jade opened her mouth to retort, but was interrupted by Jackie rushing over and grabbing the urn out of Tohru's hands.

Jackie's mind flashed with desire, but he centered himself, focusing on calming images, and rose above it.

"Hey! Give that…" Tohru began, before trailing off and shaking his head, the others following suit. "Um...what was I just saying?"

"Never mind that! Look!" Jade shouted, pointing at the urn. It was glowing with a bright golden light, the designs on it flashing under the mysterious aura. After a few seconds in Jackie's hands, the glow began to fade, leaving the urn as it was.

"It started when you picked it up, but it didn't get that bright until just now," Jackie said as he carefully set the urn down. "I figured getting it away from you was the best option."

"So, what, it's an urn that makes people crazy?" Jade asked.

Uncle opened his mouth to speak, but Tohru beat him to it. "Not quite," he said. "I didn't feel crazy. I just felt like...I needed it. Needed it more than anything else. Like having it would...prove something."

"Urn must enhance possessive nature of victims," Uncle continued, sighing. "Make them want the urn above everything else, to the point where they would hurt those they love. Or worse."

"But why wasn't Jackie affected?" Captain Black asked, scratching his head.

"He was," Uncle explained. "But Jackie is a very calm individual. Besides, each of us wanted the urn for ourselves, no matter the reason. Jackie only wants urn to go to museum. Not as much possessiveness to latch onto."

"Wonderful," Jade groaned. "So what are we supposed to do about it? It got us fighting in ten seconds; if we bring it to Section 13 we'll have a full-on brawl!"

"She's probably right," Captain Black admitted. "Jade's scoring top marks in reading people, and she's revealed some...interesting things about some of my staff," he finished sheepishly.

Jackie opened his mouth, only for Uncle to whack him on the head. "Secret agent talk later! Deal with magic urn now!"

"Um, if I may?" Tohru asked, prompting the group to look at him. "I just realized; the urn was affecting all of us even when we weren't touching it. I understand why Jackie was able to fight it off, but why did grabbing it break the spell?"

Uncle's eyes widened. "Of course! Jackie's mindset means urn must spend more magic trying to corrupt him, leaving other victims alone!"

"Makes as much sense as anything else we've dealt with," Captain Black said with a sigh. "So, what's the plan?"

"For now, we take it back to the museum and let them put it in storage," Jackie said simply. As the others looked at him askance, he said, "I just handed this over to them. I can't just say, 'Sorry, it's magic, I need it back'! Besides, it'll be put in the basement with just other artifacts. Hardly any minds to control there."

"You sure, Jackie?" Jade asked. "I mean, this seems kind of risky."

"It is, but it's our best option," Captain Black said. "Section 13's transitioned back into regular spy work over the past year, so remanding the urn would be problematic even if we weren't covert."

Jackie nodded in agreement. "It'll just be for tonight. I'll talk to the heads of the museum and convince them to let an outside facility handle the urn. Captain Black, can you get the necessary credentials?"

"By tomorrow, Section 13 will be one of the world's top archaeological research facilities," Captain Black said, smiling.

Jackie groaned. "I miss when someone saying that would have been a bad thing," he muttered, before continuing, "That work for everyone?"

"Fine," Jade grumbled.

"Works for Uncle," Uncle said sullenly.

"Sounds good to me," Tohru said with a shrug.

"I'll get to work preparing those credentials," Captain Black said.

"And I'll figure out how I'm going to convince the museum to give up its latest find before they could even show it off," Jackie said, sighing. "But for now, let's just get ready and bring it back. The exhibit opens in two and a half hours, and we have to be in the actual gala space by an hour before. Now, everybody get dressed and we'll be on our way."

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"And so, before we officially begin the gala, I'd like to propose a toast," the tuxedo-clad curator said as he raised a glass of wine. "To Jackie Chan! Without whom this museum would be bereft of not only this latest collection, but several of our most unique finds!"

"To Jackie!" echoed the socialites in attendance, prompting the man himself to blush. He was standing next to the curator on a raised dais near the doors to the exhibit, located in the newly-renamed Chan Wing of the museum. Next to him were Jade, Uncle, and Tohru, all smiling at him, albeit all of them uncomfortable in their formal clothes.

"Uncle does not like stiff collars!" Uncle muttered as he tried to loosen his. "Make it hard to breathe!"

"At least yours fits properly," Tohru replied. Indeed, his tuxedo was straining at the seams; not to an absurd extent, but enough that it was likely to tear if he made any sudden movements.

"Look, I'm just happy we convinced Jackie to let me skip the dress," Jade said, fidgeting with her own miniature tuxedo. "I'll take this over that frilly... _thing_ that he wanted me to put on."

Jackie himself seemed a little uncomfortable in his tuxedo, but he was doing a good job hiding it. Plus, he had actually managed to make it through explaining the exhibit without having to deal with a panic attack, armed robbery, or demon invasion.

" _And even if we get lucky tonight, there's still that urn to deal with tomorrow,"_ Jackie thought as he started to mingle with the guests. _"We've had a year of normalcy; is it too much to ask for more?"_

So distracted was he that he accidentally stepped on the train of one of the guest's gowns. "Oh! I'm sorry, pardon me, miss," he said as he stepped off.

"Happens to the best of us," the tall, tan, blonde woman replied, covering her face with her well-manicured hand as she walked off. As she did, Jackie paused for a moment. Something about the woman was very familiar. Perhaps her very prominent chin, or maybe it was her confident tone of voice…?

"Mr. Chan!" the curator said, interrupting Jackie from his musings. He turned to face the man, noticing that he was accompanied by a short Chinese man in an elegant tuxedo. "Mr. Chan, this is Mr…"

"Fong," the man said in a soft, reedy voice, smiling as he extended his hand to Jackie. As he took it, he tried to examine the man's features. It was hard, as he was standing right in the glare of a fluorescent light, but, something about those jagged grey eyebrows and thin mustache sparked something in his mind. "The curator here was just telling me about your exploits. You're quite the accomplished archaeologist, Mr. Chan."

"Um, thank you," Jackie replied bashfully, rubbing the back of his head with his other hand.

"In fact, Mr. Fong was so impressed that he's decided to make a rather sizeable donation to the museum!" the curator interjected excitedly. "A whole collection of rare East Asian texts and scrolls!"

"They'll serve the world better here than locked up at home," Mr. Fong said. "I've always believed that knowledge should be spread to wherever it's needed. Be it legends or advice, one should always share ancient wisdom."

At those words, Jackie suddenly felt a sense of unease, but couldn't quite figure out why. "Um...excuse me, I should go talk to the other guests. Thank you for your contribution, Mr. Fong," Jackie said as he turned and walked away.

"Hm, odd. Usually he'd be thrilled with what you're offering," the curator said, puzzled.

"It's a big night for him," Mr. Fong replied. "I'm sure he's uncomfortable being...a person of interest."

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As Jackie wandered through the swarms of guests, accepting congratulations as he went, he found himself stopped by a firm hand on his shoulder. Startled, he turned to face a tall elderly gentleman, clad in a deep-blue tuxedo with a fire-red tie.

Despite his obvious age, he had a rather fit body with the exception of his stomach, which seemed almost sunken in beneath his clothes. He had bright white hair tied into a ponytail behind his head, as well as a matching beard that went down to his chest. But what was most striking were his eyes, a startling blue that seemed to pulsate with some hidden power.

"Mr. Chan," the man said, his voice a sonorous rumble as he handed Jackie a card. "I am Mr. Omphalos. I've been looking for you all night."

"O-oh? And why's that?" Jackie asked, tensing under the man's grip and shoving the card into his pocket. With his senses already heightened from the previous encounters, he looked ready to fight at any moment.

"Because you are the one who discovered the Lost Shrine of Corycia," Mr. Omphalos said simply, "and I have a vested interest in acquiring what you found there."

"Well, that's something you're going to have to take up with the heads of the museum, so, excuse me," Jackie said quickly as he rapidly extricated himself from Mr. Omphalos' grip and buried himself in the crowd.

Watching this, the elderly man opened his mouth, then rested his face against his hands. "One of these days I'm going to learn how to actually talk to people," he muttered.

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"Hey, Jackie!" Jade called as she saw her uncle walking by the empty room, fiddling with the cuffs of his tuxedo. "C'mon, check this out!"

Jackie sighed as he heard his overly exuberant niece, noticing that she was _not_ in one of the exhibits directly open for the gala, but walked over to her anyway. _"Maybe seeing one of my old finds will put me more at ease,"_ he thought.

Soon enough, he was standing next to Jade in front of a large display case, one which contained a scroll suspended from a metal bar. It seemed to have something written on it in Japanese.

"You never told me about this!" Jade said excitedly. "Where'd you find it?"

"I...can't seem to remember," Jackie muttered, looking it over. "I mean, I definitely brought some scrolls back from my last Japanese dig, but this one doesn't seem particularly familiar."

"Well, can you read it?" Jade asked.

"What about Tohru?" Jackie asked back. "He's better at it than I am."

"He's on Uncle duty," Jade responded, gesturing with her thumb. Indeed, Tohru was sitting with Uncle near one of the caterers, trying to keep the elderly man from insulting the food.

"Fair enough," Jackie sighed as he leaned in. "Now, let's see…'Even the most skilled thief can be caught, but the clever ones always escape. And when they do, it is only wise to seek out their enemies and avenge their honor. Isn't that right, Chan-Jackie-Chan?'" he translated. For a moment, he didn't react. Then his eyes widened and he quickly stepped away from the case, taking Jade with him.

"Hey, what's the-oh," Jade said, her angered expression shifting into one of realization. "Well, okay, so he's back. But we've got Uncle and Tohru here, we can take-"

"Mr. Chan?" came a nearby female voice. Turning, Jackie and Jade saw the woman from earlier walking up to them. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but I have something I need to talk to you about."

"Um, not the best time…" Jackie began, only to trail off as he finally got a good look at her face. "Oh no."

"Mr. Chan!" came a third voice as Mr. Fong stepped into view. "I forgot, I had one last thing I wanted to tell you!"

"Um, what's that?" Jackie asked as he and Jade slowly backed away from the woman.

"Ancient wisdom: Even when the fly is caught, the clever spider binds it tight," he said with a smirk, before extending a hand, revealing the smudged glyph emblazoned on it, and firing out a blast of energy.

Jackie and Jade dodged out of the way, only for Jade to end up in the arms of what appeared to be a samurai made entirely out of folded paper, casually brushing broken glass off its form. Jackie, meanwhile, backed straight into the woman, who seemed to have moved her position with lightning speed to catch him as he recovered.

"Well, well, well, Chan," the woman said, a sick smirk contorting her face as she grabbed Jackie's arms, forcing them behind his back. "Looks like you're Mr. Popular tonight."

"Vanessa Barone!" Jackie gasped as he looked up at the relic hunter and thief, before turning to the samurai. "Origami!" he continued, before finally looking at Mr. Fong. "Uh…"

"Zhīxin, you idiot," the man said angrily. "You hired me to find the Lotus Temple, the least you could do is remember my name!"

"Right, sorry," Jackie said, abashed, before the situation caught up with him. "What are you three doing here? Thought this would be a good night to rob the museum?"

Origami snorted. His helmet melted away, revealing the skinny face of an angry Japanese man. "Stealing from a museum is easy for ones such as us, Chan-Jackie-Chan," he said in a very formal tone. "No, we are here for one reason alone: revenge."

"Although seriously, you two could have phoned ahead of time," Vanessa snarked as she tightened her grip on Jackie. "I could have been wining and dining with the rest of these idiots, and instead I was coordinating with you to make sure that we didn't screw each other up."

"Wait, you mean you're not working together?" Jackie asked, confused.

"We are," Zhīxin said with a shrug. "We just weren't until tonight."

"It was luck, plain and simple," Origami explained. "These two were scouting out the area in preparation for their respective assaults, when they ran into each other at my display case. From there, it was but a simple matter to recoordinate."

"I've worked with Zhīxin before, and he's got a good head on his shoulders," Vanessa said with a smirk. "And a man who can fold himself into paper? There's no way that's not going to be useful."

"Really?" Jade asked snarkily from her position in Origami's arms. "Are you sure you're not just jealous that they have all the cool magical powers and you don't?"

"Au contraire, brat," Vanessa said, reaching out to pinch Jade's cheek with her free hand. Which was impossible, since she and Jackie had been a few feet away moments before.

Jackie, still secured by Vanessa's other hand, looked a bit queasy. "What was...how did…?"

"Yes, it took some getting used to," Vanessa said with a smirk, "but it seems that there were some aftereffects to holding the Eye of Aurora. Can only go a few feet, but don't need a catchphrase either. Once I figured it out, I knew I was going to train until I had it down to an art."

"Enough talk!" Origami snapped. "Chan-Jackie-Chan's campaign of do-gooding ends tonight!"

Zhīxin raised both hands as glowing energy covered them, collecting into a single giant sphere. "Ancient wisdom," he said. "Every end is a new beginning."

As Zhīxin prepared to fire, Jackie and Jade locked eyes. Nodding to each other, Jade and Jackie simultaneously flipped backward. Vanessa's one-handed grip was broken while Origami's light paper body bent, and so the two villains caught Zhīxin's blast instead as Jackie and Jade escaped their captors.

Roaring in anger, Vanessa Barone produced a whip and flicked it at Jackie, who bounced off a wall to dodge it. "Jade," he ordered. "Go get Tohru!"

For once, Jade didn't argue. As Zhīxin and Origami focused their attacks on Jackie, she slipped away, only for Vanessa's whip to seize her by the ankle. "Not a chance, brat!" Vanessa seethed. "I'm not underestimating you again!"

" _Just my luck!"_ Jade thought. With a scream, she leapt up and kicked Vanessa in her oversized chin. Vanessa stumbled back, and Jade took the opportunity to shout again. "T! Uncle! We got trouble!"

She was about to say more when Vanessa, having teleported right behind her, slammed her into the floor, pressing her face against the tiles. "Shut up!" she shouted.

"Jade!" Jackie shouted as he looked over at his niece, but before he could run to her he was forced to fend off another attack from Origami. The master thief had been hounding Jackie relentlessly with blades he had shaped from his arms, blades that Jackie knew from experience were deadly sharp. Zhīxin, in the meanwhile, was hanging back, maintaining a steady glow around his hand.

"Oh no you don't!" the monk chortled. "You stay right here while Vanessa takes care of that little annoyance of yours."

The relic hunter in question was currently putting more of her weight on Jade, causing the girl to gasp for breath as the strain increased. "I've come too far to get interrupted now. It's just you and I, and I am not dealing with whatever your little goon squad has cooked up tonight!"

"Then Uncle suggests you fight much quieter!" came a familiar voice. Vanessa had just enough time to look up before being shoved off Jade with tremendous force, sending her crashing into a wall.

"Are you alright?" Tohru asked as he lifted Jade to her feet, dusting her off slightly. Uncle was standing beside him, holding his glowing instruments of chi magic.

"Taken worse hits in training," she said, wiping a bit of blood away from under her nose. "At least I didn't break anything this time."

"Noted," Tohru replied before turning to face Vanessa, who was unsteadily trying to get up. "Now then, I would suggest you stop now."

"Why, because you don't want to hurt a lady?" Vanessa snarked as she tried to clear her head.

"No, because this tuxedo was rather expensive, and I'd prefer not to destroy it in the process of beating you unconscious," Tohru replied, cracking his knuckles. He flexed, and his jacket's sleeves tore off. From the way he glared at her, it was clear why he used to be the Dark Hand's top enforcer.

"Ah, got it," Vanessa mumbled under her breath. "Well, I think we've all gotten a bit too heated, so let's cool down-"

Suddenly, Vanessa vanished and reappeared behind Uncle, knocking his blowfish out of his hand and grabbing onto his arms.

"-or I'll break his arms like twigs," she finished with a smirk.

"Ah, you know to separate wizard from weapons! Half credit," Uncle said, seemingly unperturbed by his imprisonment.

"Wha-" Vanessa began, only to yelp as Uncle stomped on her foot, causing her grip to loosen. With a swift motion, he twisted his arms free of her grip and all but flew away, picking up his blowfish as he did.

"But you forget, chi magic not Uncle's only weapon," Uncle continued, a smug grin lighting up his face. "Now," he began, pointing the blowfish at her, " _Yu Mo Gui Gwai Fai Di Zao! Yu Mo Gui Gwai Fai Di Zao!_ "

A bolt of energy shot out of the blowfish and nailed Vanessa, but she recovered quickly, casting her whip at Tohru's neck. Tohru cried out in pain and stumbled around for a few moments, wandering into Jackie's fight. Finally taking action, Zhīxin blasted him backwards, sending him crashing to the floor.

As Tohru fell, the entire room began to shake, causing various artifacts to wobble on their plinths. Jackie, Jade, and Uncle turned and, in complete harmony, began rushing around the room to right the pieces, ignoring the three foes who were regrouping in the back.

"You couldn't have launched that blast any sooner?" Origami grunted at Zhīxin, who sighed.

"Ancient wisdom: Too many cooks spoil the broth," he replied. "I need to time my shots very carefully, and with the way you were fighting, I couldn't guarantee leaving you unharmed. Besides, you were handling it, weren't you?"

Origami growled, but stopped when Vanessa snapped her fingers in front of his face. "Focus! We can't fall apart now; if we start fighting each other, then we don't have a chance. Besides I have a plan."

"Oh? And what is it?" Zhīxin asked.

"You'll see," Vanessa said with a sinister smile as she primed her whip. "Hey Chan!" she shouted, drawing the martial artist's attention. "Take this!" she continued, swinging her whip in a wide arc.

Puzzled, Jackie moved to dodge away, only to gasp as he saw the whip head straight for a priceless vase on a nearby plinth. Instead, he stayed still, protecting the vase but letting the whip knock the air out of him, sending him to his knees.

Seeing this, Origami and Zhīxin both started grinning. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" the monk asked, his hands lighting up.

Origami nodded, lifting up his bladed arms. "This space is far too crowded. It could use some...redecorating."

With that, the two began firing and swinging recklessly, aiming as much for the artifacts as for the Chans. It was a chaotic mess of paper blades, teleporting whip strikes, and energy blasts as the Chans frantically tried to protect both themselves and the exhibit.

By pure chance, Jackie dodged one of Origami's strikes and ended up next to Jade, who was protecting Tohru, who had been knocked out by Zhīxin's blast. "We've got to get them out of here!" he hissed. "It's only a matter of time before _someone_ notices the commotion, and then becomes another target!"

Jade nodded. "I know, I know, but how? T's out, they're all gunning for you, and Uncle and I are barely holding our own!" Suddenly, she winced as she saw and heard Uncle slam into a wall next to them courtesy of one of Vanessa's attacks.

"They're after me, not you!" Jackie shot back, dodging attacks all the while. "If I can just get somewhere else, they'll leave you alone and come after me!"

"Okay, that's a start, but how are you going to get all three of them to go after you, _without_ getting yourself killed?" Jade snapped as she bent under energy blasts and stray whip strikes.

Jackie was silent for a moment as he continued to evade the villains' attacks. He knew every inch of this museum. After all, he'd been supplying them with artifacts for years. With split-second thinking, he leaned over to grab Uncle and shoved him and Jade against Tohru's slowly recovering form. "Stay put!" he ordered them. Then he dashed out the door behind the villains, leaping over Origami's blades, ducking under Vanessa's whip, and somersaulting in between Zhīxin's energy blasts as he did.

For a few seconds, the villains stood stupefied. Then, without a word, they charged through the door after him, leaving Jade, Uncle, and Tohru alone.

"Ugh," Tohru muttered as he finally came to. "What happened?"

"Uncle remembered why he prefers to use chi magic," Uncle groaned.

"We kinda got our butts kicked. But don't worry: I'm sure Jackie's got a plan," Jade said. _"And whether he does or not,"_ she thought, reaching into a pocket of her tuxedo and pulling out her phone, _"I'd better take some precautions."_

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

This new room was an exhibit on Indian relics, but it was hardly Jackie's goal. Instead, as his enemies charged in behind him, he shoved aside a maintenance worker and threw open a nearby door, revealing a broom closet. He grabbed a mop in one hand and a spray bottle of cleaning fluid in the other. "I'm sorry, I'll bring these back later, thank you!" he shouted as he shoved the janitor into the closet and slammed the door.

Zhīxin's blasts were the first attacks when Jackie emerged, but he sidestepped them and whipped the mop around, slapping the old monk in the face. Origami lunged and slashed during this, but Jackie sprayed him with the cleaning fluid and the tips of Origami's blades turned soggy at the last minute, giving Jackie nothing more than a wet slap. Vanessa teleported in behind him, but he heard her just in time and swung the mop back, slamming the handle into her neck and sending her stumbling into an elephant statue. Zhīxin, blinded, aimed at the source of the noise and fired, but Vanessa evaded it by teleporting away.

While he had a minute, Jackie unscrewed the lid on the bottle and dumped its contents over the mop, then ran it over Origami. His papery form soaked, Origami transformed into his human self: a skinny, sharp-faced Japanese man in a purple robe.

"Ah, you remember my weaknesses, Chan-Jackie-Chan!" Origami, or rather, Kuniko Kasahara, snarled. "I would expect nothing less!"

Kasahara took a fighting stance and leapt for a flying kick, but Jackie tumbled backwards and left him to crash into Zhīxin, only for Vanessa to materialize in front of him and punch him into the other two villains, dropping his makeshift weapons along the way. Then, just for fun, she whipped a small statue of Indra off of its plinth to shatter, enjoying the look on Jackie's face. "Just a cheap knock-off," she taunted. "I should know. I got five grand for the real one years ago."

Groaning, Jackie quickly pushed himself to his feet and backed away from the still recovering Kasahara and Zhīxin. "You know, for partners, the three of you seem to be pretty cavalier about friendly fire," he mused as he examined the room, looking for a way out.

"Ancient wisdom: It is the foolish man who blames the river when he falls in," Zhīxin said. At Jackie's puzzled expression, he sighed. "We're not going to blame ourselves for your misdirections."

"We knew this would not be a clean battle, Chan-Jackie-Chan," Kasahara said as he shook himself out, slowly starting to refold his body. "But there is no treasure to turn us against each other, no thread of mistrust."

"We know we're awful people who'd flip on each other in the blink of an eye," Vanessa said. "But here, we only have one goal; seeing you dead. And if that takes getting hit by an energy blast or two, then so be it."

"Oh, okay," Jackie muttered as his mind started racing. _"They're not wrong!"_ he thought. _"Right now, they're not thieves, they're assassins! If I want to break them up, ego's my last option, and I don't think any of them want me dead any more than the-"_

Suddenly, Jackie's eyes lit up. _"Of course!"_ he thought as he mentally reviewed his map of the museum. If he was right, then it was only a short trip to the…

"Hey!" he shouted, focusing the villains' attention on him. "You want me so bad? Well...try and catch me!" he continued as he dove through a separate door, leaving his foes to follow behind.

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"So they chased him into the next room and that's the last you saw of them?" Captain Black asked over the phone.

"Yep. Jackie seemed like he had a plan, but it didn't make sense not to use the hotline," Jade replied, pacing the room.

"Good thinking," Captain Black agreed. "Jade, I'm trusting you on this; what would you suggest as a response?"

"Surround the perimeter so they don't get away, but only send a small group inside. The whole point is to prevent collateral damage, not drag the museum into a giant action sequence," Jade answered. Her voice was oddly serious and no-nonsense, almost completely unlike her usual personality.

"I agree with the call. We'll be there in under ten minutes," Captain Black said, before hanging up the phone.

As soon as the call was done, Jade relaxed. "Glad that's over with," she said, only to get whacked in the head by Uncle. "OW!"

"Aiyah!" he shouted. "Jade, you possessed by evil spirit again?"

"Ugh, no," Jade replied, rubbing her head. "It's part of my training. It's supposed to be a mentality of absolute logic or some garbage like that, so you can make decisions without emotions getting in the way. Pretty hard for me to get into the mindset, but I think Jackie needed that more than he needed an army heading in here," she continued, sighing.

"Hmph! Jade using too many tricky spy skills! Is forgetting the basics!" Uncle scoffed.

Jade was about to snap at him when Tohru put his hands between them. "Now now, let's deal with this later. The most important thing is helping Jackie. So, where do you think he is?"

"Well, he wouldn't have stayed in that room for long. He'd want to take them somewhere where no one and nothing important could be hurt," Jade thought aloud.

"Yes," Uncle agreed. "One more thing! Jackie would try to turn them against each other. Has worked for him before."

Jade shook her head. "Nah, I don't think that'll work this time. They don't want treasure, they just want revenge. It'd take something pretty drastic to turn them against-" Jade stopped short as the entire group's eyes widened in realization. "Oh no."

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

Jackie gracefully leapt down the stairs to the basement storage area. One massive room, this was where the museum stored all of its excess relics, those that they couldn't find room for in exhibits for the time being. Everything was neatly labeled and categorized, from tiki idols to Stone Age knives, Zulu shields to Sui dynasty mortars.

Origami arrived first in the form of a paper gazelle before shifting into a gorilla. Beating his chest with a loud roar, the paper assassin then lunged over a table of ancient chopsticks. Jackie stepped back and seized a gladiator shield from behind him, using it to block Origami's fist, but was sent flying by one of Zhīxin's blasts as the monk leapt up atop the gorilla's shoulders.

As Jackie tried to get up, Vanessa blinked into existence just behind Origami, her whip already in motion. It caught him from behind, wrapped around his waist and, with a flick of Vanessa's wrist, sent him flying back at Origami, who caught Jackie in his open arms. As Origami started to squeeze, Jackie kicked Origami in the stomach, loosening his grip and allowing him to shove him backwards into Vanessa, knocking Zhīxin off in the process. He then grabbed a khopesh from another table and slashed it at Origami's arm, slicing it clean off.

"Bwah!" Jackie exclaimed, stunned at the act of violence he'd just committed, but Origami generated a new arm as quickly as he'd lost the old one, then shifted again into a cobra, slithering underneath one of the many tables and hiding within the darkness.

Zhīxin attacked next, running atop a table with speed unexpected of his age and trying to karate chop Jackie, but Jackie caught his hand with the handle of the sword. However, Zhīxin just smirked as his hand started to glow. In a moment, Jackie yelped as the sword was blasted out of his hand.

"Ancient wisdom: Never bring a sword to a gunfight," Zhīxin taunted as he blew on his smoking hand. "And the same goes true for magic."

Annoyed, Jackie leapt and threw a punch at the old monk's smug face, but Zhīxin rolled away, leaving Jackie to smash his hand on the oak desk beneath. Shaking it in pain, he spun and kicked Vanessa just as she appeared beside him. As she gasped, he reached down and grabbed an aboriginal spear, twirling it in his hands.

"How did you know?!" Vanessa snarled as she tried to regain her breath.

"You didn't know? There's a bit of a 'zip' whenever you teleport. Hard to hear at first, but you've been using it so much that I've gotten the hang of it," Jackie explained calmly as he blocked her oncoming punches. However, as he blocked, he suddenly felt something slide in between his legs, wrapping around them. Off balance, he collapsed, only to see Origami's cobra form encircling his legs and hissing at him, baring its saber-like paper fangs. Jackie quickly grabbed the snake by the neck, tossed it away, then leapt straight up and began sprinting across tables and desks. All the while, even with the villains right behind him, he was casting his eyes around the entire room. _"Where is it? Where is it?"_

Finally, he saw what he was looking for. There, sitting on a table surrounded by various odds and ends, was a very familiar urn, one which seemed to be glowing faintly under the fluorescent lights. Reaching down, he picked it up and turned to face the oncoming villains.

"Uh, catch!" he cried, tossing it at Vanessa Barone. Absolutely stunned at this, Vanessa actually caught the ancient _amphora_ , staring at it as she did. As she looked it over, a golden glint began to emerge in her eyes.

"Well, well, hello beautiful," she murmured, letting her whip fall to the floor. "You know what? I think you and I were meant to be."

"Give me that!" Origami snapped, returning to his human form as he yanked it out of Vanessa's hands. "It is a treasure worthy of a master thief, not a common criminal like yourself!"

"You're both wrong!" Zhīxin added, glaring at the two. "It is obviously an artifact of great magical power. It should go to the one with the most wisdom, who of course is me!"

"Oh give me a break!" Vanessa retorted, snatching the urn back. "Half your quotes make no sense and the other half you get from fortune cookies. Your only 'wisdom' is how to get trapped in a magic temple like a chump!"

"Why you…!" Zhīxin snarled as he grabbed a hold of the urn, trying to pry it out of Vanessa's hands. Kasahara soon joined in, and in a few moments the three villains were a bundle of grasping limbs, a steady glow coming from the _amphora_ at the center.

Jackie breathed a sigh of relief. "Well, that's one problem solved. Now-"

"Jackie!" came a familiar voice as Jade rushed down the stairs, followed closely by Uncle, Tohru, and Captain Black. Strangely, all four were wearing black sunglasses with green symbols painted on them. "Are you okay?"

"I'm alright," he said as he swept his niece into a hug. "But, um, why the glasses?"

"Precaution against urn's magic!" Uncle replied. "Spell is tied to glow, so sunglasses should protect!"

"I'm lucky I had a couple pairs on me," Captain Black said as he walked over to Jackie, staring at the pile of villains. "I've got two guys upstairs and ten covering all the entrances. You have a plan?"

Jackie nodded. "With them so distracted, it'll be easy to knock them out. I shut the _amphora_ off, we take them into custody, and talk to the curators in the morning."

"Right, right, sounds reasonable," Captain Black said. "Although…"

"Although...what?" Jackie asked hesitantly, slowly backing away from the man.

"We could just take the thing now. I mean, it's not like anyone's going to stop us, right?" he replied, a sick smile starting to grow on his face. Beneath the lens of his sunglasses, Jackie saw a golden gleam.

"Oh no, not again!" Jackie moaned, only to gasp as he heard Jade start to moan. Bending down, he asked, "Jade! What's wrong?"

"Ugh, it's like...something pounding in my brain…" Jade mumbled, her eyes squeezed shut. "Some... _need_ …"

"IT'S MINE!" Tohru roared, charging at the trio of villains, shortly followed by Captain Black. Now, only Jackie, Jade, and Uncle were left, and the latter two were on their knees.

"I don't understand!" Jackie said, leaning down to support Uncle. "I thought those sunglasses should have worked!"

"Urn...too strong for slapdash spell," Uncle moaned. "Magic too different…"

Jackie's eyes widened in realization. "Like the Oni Masks," he mumbled. "Whatever this thing is, chi magic's no good against it! But then why are you and Jade still, you know…?"

"Not caught off-guard this time," Uncle mumbled. "Uncle and Jade have strong wills...can resist mass spell like this...Tohru too subservient...Captain Black always weak to magic…but can't resist forever..."

"Wonderful," Jade muttered. "Brain hurts so muchI can hardly think...but at least I won't go crazy for another thirty seconds..."

Jackie looked over at his ailing relatives, then at the pile of friends and foes thrashing around a golden light. Slowly, he stood up and started walking towards the pile.

" _Just got to touch the_ amphora _and the spell will turn off,"_ Jackie thought as he drew closer. _"Just got to grab the_ amphora. _Just got to take the_ amphora. _Just got to_ have _the_ amphora _…"_

Realizing his train of thought, Jackie began to rapidly shake his head to clear it, but the thoughts kept coming. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Jade and Uncle making their way into the fracas. They were going to take the urn. _His_ urn. He had to stop them. He had to...

Suddenly, a cracking sound filled the air. Startled, Jackie, Jade, and Uncle all stopped where they were, a few feet from the pile of people. The urn was hovering in the air, all of the people frozen around it as it emitted a powerful golden glow. Cracks were running all over it, spreading in every direction. The sound was deafening.

" _Must...stop...but...can't...move,"_ Jackie thought as his body tensed. Whatever was happening seemed to have cleared his mind, but left him paralyzed. From what he could see, everyone else was in the same state.

The cracks continued, the glow grew stronger, and then, all at once, the urn exploded. Acrid, bitter green smoke filled the air, along with flashing lights of every color. And then, an ear-splitting cackle.

Everyone stared as the smoke formed into the shape of a young woman, more of a teenaged girl, really, before quickly transmuting into flesh and blood. She was short and olive-skinned, her hair simultaneously a rainbow of colors and a rat's nest of tangles. One of her eyes was brown, the other green, and the brown one was considerably larger. In fact, _everything_ about the woman seemed to be lopsided, unbalanced, or some sort of hodgepodge, from her patchwork dress of dull rags and white silk to her unmatching sandals in two different sizes. But despite all that, the girl had a strange sort of beauty about her, her imperfections adding up to a unified whole. It was wholly contradictory. It was impossible. It was…

"Divine," Uncle managed to mutter.

"Bingo!" the woman laughed, showing off her crooked but dazzling teeth. She let out a belch, and suddenly a swarm of flies appeared and flew off with an oblivious buzz. "Whoops! Sorry, been holding that in for centuries."

Feeling started returning to the group's extremities, and as soon as it did, Uncle pulled a bottle from his pocket and poured its contents over his blowfish. With a chant, energy beams fired out directly at the newcomer, but, to everyone's shock, she merely yawned as they fizzled against her.

"Chi magic," the woman sighed. "How _adorable_."

"Impossible!" Uncle gasped. "That potion had triple-dose of garlic! Blast should have knocked her out cold!"

"Who _are_ you?" Jade demanded. It seemed they could speak freely now although, as Jackie discovered with a frown, their feet were still glued to the floor.

"Aw, nice to know you care, sweet cheeks!" the woman cooed. When she wasn't laughing, her voice was actually quite pleasant sounding; yet another contradiction. "But sorry, that's privileged information. Didn't used to be, but hey, times change."

"How did you get in here?" Captain Black asked. Noticing the others looking at him, he sighed. "Yes, I know, she was in the urn, I get that. I more meant how she got out."

"You know, I could tell you, but…" the woman pretended to think for a moment, then chuckled. "Anyway, where is this? Knossos? Thrace? Don't tell me I ended up all the way in Iberia again!"

"You're in San Francisco, U.S.A., you airhead," Vanessa muttered, prompting a gasp from the girl.

"Wait, you mean that I got dragged all the way to that dinky little continent on the other side of the ocean?" she moaned. "Jeez, and I thought I'd been found by someone with _class_! Well, whatever. Gotta make do with what you got. You three," she said, pointing to Vanessa, Kasahara, and Zhīxin, "you all look psychotic enough. You're coming with me. The rest of you, nice not knowing ya!"

With that, the woman let out another cackle, snapped her fingers, and vanished in a plume of rainbow-colored smoke. In a few moments, Jackie's foes followed her, Vanessa fading out like a silent film star, Kasahara folding in on himself until he just vanished, and Zhīxin being absorbed into a giant lotus that quickly disappeared. Meanwhile, the rest of the group found themselves sprawled onto the floor and unable to get up, suddenly drained of all energy.

"Bad day," Jackie sighed as he stared up at the ceiling, now marked with a giant graffiti apple.

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

 **GPQ: So a thief, an assassin and a treasure hunter enter a museum…**

 _MP: Is this your way of starting a joke?_

 **GPQ: No, it's just my way of starting an outro for this and a preview for the next chapter.**

PA2: No, see, you can't respond seriously, it ruins the joke we were setting up.

 _MP: Yeah, like you know anything about jokes, PA2. You're the straight man, remember?_

PA2: Well until we work out the dynamic with Phantom Queen, I'm going to dabble in roles to see which one fits.

 _MP: I pity the people who don't have the luxury of knowing who they are._

PA2: Oh, hush. Like you would know sophisticated comedy if it jumped up and-

 _MP: *fart noise*_

 **GPQ: Oh stuff it you two! Now, where was I? Oh right.**

 _ **Next time: What is the secret of the amphora? Who is this mysterious woman? What does she want with the relic hunters? And where do the Chans fit into all of this? Next time, a history lesson is interrupted by a brewing storm, as the year of magicless peace has finally come to an end...**_

" _ **Zeus on the Loose" coming soon.**_

 **GPQ: So, does this work?**

 _MP: Eh, it's passable._

PA2: It's all right. After all, you have lots of time to fine-tune this.

 **GPQ: (Shrugs shoulders) I'll take what I can get.**


	2. Zeus on the Loose

**GPQ: So, just got back from a week in Chiang Mai. Got plenty of photos, got a bag of pork rinds and dried strawberries to snack on, visited that wicked awesome white temple with a bridge that represents the temptations and demons of life and a beautiful greenhouse of orchids, not to mention having renewed vigor to continue my** _ **Legend of the Three Caballeros**_ **crossover that has become popular with fans recently...hmm, I think I'm missing something…**

 _MP: Ahem!_

 **GPQ: Oh right, that. So, what happened last time was Jackie Chan once again causing the chaos of this crazy adventure, thinking that his solution to the problem was actually the cause. Gee, as if this wasn't that unexpecting.**

 _MP: Well, what did you expect?_

 **GPQ: Something unexpected yet original. And besides, I try not to put my expectations too high so I don't end up disappointed (looking at you ending of** _ **Arc-V**_ **…)**

PA2: So, we ready to go with this?

 **GPQ: Definitely. So, from where we're at, we're starting off with the Top God himself. Of course.**

 _MP: So, what are ya waiting for?_

 **GPQ: A bolt of lightning to smite me down because I'm not sharing my pork rinds with you?**

PA2: Wait, what?

 **GPQ: My point exactly.**

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

 **Jackie Chan Adventures: Olympian Journey**

 **Chapter Two: Zeus on the Loose**

Half an hour later, Jackie, Jade, and Captain Black were sitting on the museum steps, Uncle and Tohru supervising the Section 13 agents as they carefully loaded the pieces of the broken _amphora_ into Jackie's car. The agents stationed outside the storage room had burst in about a minute after the mysterious woman had vanished. A few explanations and some recovery time later, and the fifteen pieces of the _amphora_ were being sent to Uncle's store for him to, in his own words, "Do _research_!"

"You okay, Jackie?" Jade asked quietly.

"No, not really," Jackie replied, sighing. "We've got another magical threat on the loose, but this time we have no idea what we're dealing with. We don't even have anything _to_ deal with it with!"

"Exactly why we must do _research_!" Uncle squawked, overhearing their conversation. "Must hurry back to shop. Those pieces and inscriptions you copied are our only hope of stopping magic burping lady!"

" _Please_ tell me we're going to call her that from now on!" Jade begged.

Jackie opened his mouth for a second, then closed it. "You know what? Until we have a better one, fine. Go ahead."

"Yes!" Jade said, pumping her fist as Captain Black chuckled beside her, before turning to Jackie with a serious look on his face.

"Now, Jackie, we're depending on you to translate," he said. "Your uncle is gifted, no doubt, but well, everything on the urn-"

"Is all Greek to Uncle!" Uncle cried, staring at one of the urn's remains, where it proudly displayed the ancient Greek writing on its surface.

"...I really didn't want to make that pun," Captain Black sighed, "but yes, exactly. Do you know how long it'll take?"

"Well, I had done some preliminary work on the plane back," Jackie mused, "so maybe...a few hours? That'll at least get us the gist of it."

"I will do my best to repair the urn," Tohru promised. "It may be our only hope of recapturing that...magic burping lady," he finished with a sigh, all while Jade stifled a laugh.

"Okay, great, but do we have any idea what she even _is_?" Jade asked. "I mean, she's not a Demon Sorcerer _or_ a regular old demon, so what? Is she some sort of sorcerer like Daolon Wong?"

"Uncle wishes it were that easy," Uncle said. "No, being immune to Uncle's magic, being sealed away, the sheer ease of her power? It all points in one direction."

"What?" Jade asked.

"Goddess." Uncle replied solemnly. "Powerful, ancient, and completely insane goddess. And, unlike demons, gods are not made of pure evil magic. Fighting them _much_ more difficult."

"Which is why we need to get working on that translation ASAP," Captain Black said. "Come on, let's head to the shop. We've got a lot to do, and we don't know just what this... _goddess_ might be planning."

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"Ah, now this seems like a nice place to crash," the woman said, looking around the twisted machinery and tangled denim that covered her hideout of choice. After leaving the museum, she had flown around for a few minutes before finally spotting what looked like a good place to stay: an abandoned and derelict jeans factory, all but falling apart. It was lopsided, dangerous, and totally deserted, which made it absolutely perfect to inhabit for the time being.

Still, the escape had taken a lot out of her. Vanishing like that was hard work, especially when she took others with her. So now she was reclining in a hastily assembled chair made of scattered machine parts, being fanned by an ostrich-plume fan hanging in midair.

"You like it?" Vanessa Barone asked skeptically. She and her associates were currently standing behind the goddess, trying to avoid the sharp edges of the rusted tools.

"Hm?" the goddess replied. "Oh, my mistake. I meant it's a nice place _for_ a crash. A real dump. But you don't have temples and I'm not yet strong enough to trek back to Olympus, so it'll do for now."

"Well, thank you for the escape," Kasahara said, bowing to her. "But perhaps you would care to introduce yourself?"

"All in due time," the woman said with a wave of her hand. "I have some spells to prepare before we get anywhere."

"In that case, can you at least tell us why we're here?" Zhīxin said, gesturing at the three of them.

"Hm? Oh, that's easy. I'm hiring you for a job," the woman said flippantly. "You'll get the details later."

"Not surprised," Vanessa muttered, before raising her voice. "I'm guessing we don't have a choice?"

"That depends. Think you could get used to living as a patch of algae?" the woman asked. "No? Then no, you don't have a choice. But since forced conscription tends to lead to zero-effort work, you will be getting paid for this."

"Let me guess. We'll find out how later," Vanessa said, rolling her eyes.

The woman gasped. "Oh no, I'm being predictable, aren't I? Gotta break the habit!" she said, lightly hitting herself in the head.

"Does that mean you'll give us the information now?" Kasahara asked.

"Again, all in good time," the woman replied. She paused for a minute. "Eh, now's a good time. Huddle up everyone, it's story time!"

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"Will you keep quiet and let me work!" Jackie asked. Jade and Tohru were making a racket trying to reassemble the urn, and were having very little luck.

"This would be _so_ much easier with the Horse Talisman," Jade grumbled.

"She's got a point," Captain Black said. "I know that over-reliance on magic can be just as bad as ignoring it, but you sure there's no quick repair spell in one of these books?"

Uncle whacked him on the forehead. "Chi magic not used for fixing windows! One more thing! Urn is magical artifact. If fixed magically, may interfere with its spells."

"He's right," Tohru added as he tried to fit the pieces together. "Even if we did have the Horse Talisman, we wouldn't be able to use it. By hand is the only way." he finished, before being whacked in the head by Uncle.

"Stop finishing Uncle's thoughts!" he snapped, before turning to Jackie. "And hurry up with translation! Cannot do research with illegible gobbledegook!"

"It's Ancient Greek, and here," Jackie said, handing Uncle a few pieces of paper. "Couldn't get a full translation, but I got the basics. More importantly, I think I know who that goddess was."

"So who is it?" Jade asked as Uncle looked over the papers.

"She's-" Jackie began before Uncle whacked him on the head. "Ow!"

"Don't spoil story for Uncle!" the old man griped. "Uncle will tell everyone what Jackie has uncovered."

"Ah, storytime with Uncle," Jade said with a smile. "This brings back memories."

Indeed, Uncle's mood seemed to have perked up considerably from having some knowledge to dispense. Clearing his throat, he began reading off of the paper. "Long ago, in ancient times, gods ruled the earth."

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"It was pretty amazing," the goddess said as she idly stirred the air with her fingers. "I mean, having power to control the world is great enough, but having a bunch of weak-willed mortals to lord it over? It was the best!"

"Weak-willed?" Kasahara asked.

"Yep!" the goddess replied. "Back then, mortals were dumb as rocks. They were just talking animals, incapable of innovation or advancement without the help of us gods. They were totally dependant, which did wonders for the old ego. Plus, they were so fun to torture! Burn them with fire, ruin their fields with hail, and they'd just keep on praying to you! But," she said with a sigh, "then _he_ wrecked everything."

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"Prometheus, the Titan of Foresight, looked down at humanity's plight and decided to take action," Uncle continued to read. "It was he who created humans, sculpting them from river clay in the image of the gods, and he loved his creations like children. And so, he made the decision to steal fire from Olympus and gift it to humanity."

"Wait, they didn't have fire?" Jade asked. "How's that work? The Ancient Greeks weren't _that_ far back!"

"This was not ordinary fire; it was _special_ fire. Fire of creativity, of wisdom, of inspiration. When humans saw it, they began to think beyond themselves, and the effect only spread. For his crimes, Prometheus was bound to a mountain, where a great eagle would eat his liver every night for eternity. But it was too late. Soon, the humans grew smarter, more capable, and every generation took more steps forward. Eventually, they decided they no longer needed the gods."

"I take it the gods weren't too happy about that?" Captain Black asked, knowing where this would end.

"Furious. While at first they had enjoyed the new capabilities of human beings, which provided them more entertainment than they'd ever had, now those same qualities were leading to an abandoning of the divine and a toppling of the 'natural order', as they saw it. They had spent eons having their whims catered to by humans, and now they were being cast aside. One goddess in particular was very upset," Uncle continued. "The goddess of discord: Eris."

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"I mean, can you blame me?" Eris (for that was who the woman was) asked. "Imagine having everything you've ever wanted for eons and then, snap! Some mortals get a little uppity and start to shove you out the door! I knew someone needed to do something, and that someone was me. Luring Prometheus into his prison was my first trick; who else to bamboozle the guy who always plans ahead, right? But then we needed something to actually get the mortals back where we wanted them. I spent a few generations tossing around ideas and hitting mortals with them to see what would work. Most of them worked a little, by which I mean I had a _blast_ killing mortals, but none of them really got to the heart of the problem. If their race was going to be knocked back down where they belonged, they needed to be hit where it hurts; that unity of theirs. That's where that _amphora_ comes in."

"You mean the thing you were trapped in?" Vanessa asked.

"Yep, but before it held my divine personage, it held the worst collection of evils you can imagine: Greed, Famine, Disease, Bad Breath. You name it, we were able to extract its purest essence, amplify it with a little godly might, and shove it in there. Every god collected one. It was a fun job, but it was only part one."

"Wait, you said 'extract'?" Zhīxin clarified. "But in the stories-"

Eris scoffed. "Oh please. Those things might as well be called myths for how accurate they were. You really think humans managed to go generations without any 'evils' plaguing them? No, humanity was not 'perfect' back then; just more willing to put everything aside for their goal of achieving independence from us gods. And that's where part two of my plan came in. See, unleashing them would've been bad enough, but they would have just taken that as another divine assault. But if it was one of their own? That's a different story. Now all I needed was an in, and lucky me: one was right there waiting. See, Prometheus may have been smart, but his brother? Not so much."

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"The _amphora_ was presented to Epimetheus, Titan of Afterthought and twin brother to Prometheus, along with Pandora, his mortal wife. The two loved each other deeply, but the gods had cursed Pandora with an insatiable curiosity, and the secret of her _amphora_ gnawed at her night and day."

"And we know the story from there," Tohru said. "Pandora opened the urn and unleashed the evils upon humanity."

Uncle nodded. "Yes. Confronted with unheard of evils unleashed upon them by one of their own, mankind splintered, divided, and returned to the gods for safety. They were set back centuries, throwing away the knowledge that the gods said had caused the disaster, leading to the age that we know today as mythology. But Eris had made a fatal mistake. In her haste, she had put Hope in the _amphora_ along with the evils, and its freedom allowed humans to carry on. Eventually, they were able to recover their lost secrets, and with it, their disdain for the gods."

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"Last time I do a rush job, I'm telling you that much," Eris grumbled. "When I put it in there, I could've sworn it was Blind Optimism. Anyway, now we were really ticked. Pandora's _amphora_ , a rhyme that I am particularly proud of by the way, was a great trick and had given us a lotta fun escapades, but it didn't last forever. Those mortals had a spark of divinity in them now, and it was clear that there'd be no getting rid of it. All I really did was buy us a few centuries, but that was enough. This time, we were going to wipe them out at the root."

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"The gods, united completely for the first time in centuries, plotted to exterminate humanity once and for all. They would unleash a great flood, one that would douse the fire of creativity and reduce humanity back to the clay it had come from, leaving the world a clean slate. From there, they would create new humans, ones who were utterly loyal to them, to rule over for the rest of eternity. And it might have worked, had it not been for one goddess."

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"That goody-two-shoes Hestia spoiled _everything_!" Eris fumed. "She was Zeus' big sister, and she was _always_ the world's biggest buzzkill. Day and night, all she'd do was tend our dinky little hearth fire. Good baker, though. I _do_ miss her honey cakes," Eris said. She seemed to zone out for a moment, lost in memory, only for Vanessa to get her attention with a polite cough.

"Right, sorry. Anyway, turns out that boring little Hestia? Not so boring. From that hearth, she could see into every home in the world, and I do mean _every_. She'd been watching mortals basically since we created them. Wouldn't have been a big deal if she didn't learn exactly the _wrong_ lesson from those vermin."

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"Hestia, through her position as Goddess of the Hearth, bore witness to humanity's highest highs and lowest lows. But rather than disgust her, it only reinforced her love for human ingenuity and free will," Uncle continued. "In a way, since it was her divine fire that brought about mankind's progress, she was a mother to all of them. What was more, she had seen her fellow gods as well, watching them with the same intensity as her beloved mortals. And she saw how warped and corrupted they had become, how their power had twisted them beyond all hope. Though it broke her heart, she knew she'd have to choose one family over the other. And she made her choice."

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"She spoke to them through the hearths, urging each and every one of those little cockroaches to find and free Prometheus! And rather than ignoring the divine head in the fire, they listened to it! Talk about hypocrisy, am I right? 'No gods, no gods-unless they help us out!' What a load! So yeah, they find Prometheus, they break his chains, they even killed the eagle! I _loved_ that eagle! I raised it practically from an egg! It was one of my best friends, and they killed it like it was hunting season! But I wish I could say that was the worst of it. You see, Prometheus has been plotting and scheming since those chains were forged, and he tells the mortals that he's got a plan."

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"As the gods prepared to launch their flood, Prometheus and Hestia coached the greatest sorcerers among the humans, training them to higher and higher levels of magic. And when they were finished, each sorcerer could stand up to a god in their own right."

"Which is why in all the frescoes, the gods are facing the mortals," Jackie pointed out, gesturing at the photos and rubbings he'd taken. "Not leading them. Not supporting them from behind. They're facing them down. I'm surprised I didn't notice it in the first place."

"So, what, they attacked and sealed away the gods?" Jade asked.

"No," Uncle said, his face grim. "They were much smarter than that. Instead, just days before the flood was set to begin, they called upon all of their magic, all of their anger, all of their creativity...and stripped the gods of their powers, sealing the powers away in the very _amphora_ that had set them back all those years ago. From there, it was the work of a few days to, well, finish the job."

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"It was slaughter, plain and simple," Eris said, her voice deadly calm. "We couldn't do anything to them even if we wanted to. Young, old, nice, mean, it didn't matter. To them, all gods were culpable, and all paid the price. See, the mortals had timed their ritual to when we were preparing the flood, magically piggybacking their spell off of ours to make it work. And they were lucky; for a ritual that big, literally every god needed to be there, strongest to weakest, so they were able to take out the entire pantheon. Or so they thought."

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"Hestia and Prometheus were spared, naturally, but they were not the only survivors. For you see, Eris was not there for the spell. Even the gods did not want the personification of chaos and discord present for such a project, which required nothing less than absolute unity and focus. So when the rest of the gods were powerless and dead, Eris was left, still powerful, still immortal...and hungering for vengeance," Uncle said gravely.

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"It was luck, simple as that. No grand premonition, no incredible plan; just sheer chance that left me alive. But I was going to take advantage of it, and erase those disgusting creatures from the face of the earth. I knew just how to get it, too. See, remember how they stored the powers in my old _amphora_? Well, I've always had a special connection to the thing, and so I was able to track it down. I figured I'd get it, pop it open, and then bam! Almighty Eris can bring her family back and wipe out their killers all by herself! But," Eris sighed, "they'd been counting on that."

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"When Eris came to retrieve the _amphora_ , she was assaulted by the sorcerers, who proceeded to drain her power as they had the others. She was able to shatter the spell, but not before most of her abilities were lost, sealed away into the very stone of the _amphora_. Even so, she put up a fight, but was ultimately no match for their magical might," Uncle read. "However, rather than finish her off, they decided she needed _special_ punishment."

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"They wrapped me in so many spells I couldn't breathe, shoved me into that stupid _amphora_ , just like I had shoved in all those evils, and made sure I couldn't just take the power while I was in there!" Eris growled. "They trapped me there in suffocating darkness and mind-numbing boredom for _centuries_! And you know what the worst part is? Hestia and Prometheus walked off without a scratch! They're probably still around now, living the high life with their godly powers while I was wasting away in there!"

"Jeez, that's...rough," Vanessa said, hesitantly.

"You know it, sister," Eris responded with a nod. "But, it wasn't all bad. See, the sorcerers made three big mistakes. One, they let me live. Two, I couldn't _use_ the power, but I could sure as Hades _study_ it. And three, they sealed what they were able to get from me _in_ the _amphora_ instead of _within_ it."

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"The sorcerers soon realized that in trapping Eris's powers, they had made a fatal error. The _amphora_ was now an artifact of Chaos, amplifying the emotions of everyone around it, forcing them to want it at any cost. Even worse, the more chaos it caused, the more it would crack, which would eventually release Eris and the godly powers back into the world. And so, Prometheus sealed away in a hidden shrine, never to be touched again, and set out to wander the world, experiencing life among his beloved mortals." Uncle finished, looking up from the paper.

"...That was some heavy stuff, Uncle," Jade said solemnly, shivering a bit.

"But sensei, what about Hestia?" Tohru asked.

"Says that after the ritual, Hestia returned to tending her hearth, watching over humanity from within the fires of the home," Uncle said, looking over the paper. "Probably in some magical realm of her own creation."

"So we have an insane vengeful goddess who's almost definitely going after those godly powers that came out of the urn with her," Captain Black groaned. "I'm suddenly missing when all we had to deal with were an international crime syndicate and a talking statue."

"Sensei," Tohru said, "does it say anything about what would happen to the powers should they be freed?"

"Not on here. Jackie?" Uncle asked, turning to his nephew, who shook his head.

"Not as far as I can see. Like I said, this was just the basics. They basically inscribed an _Odyssey_ -length epic in that shrine, and we're lucky they decided to summarize it in the first chapter, so to speak. It'll be months before we get the full story," Jackie said.

"Then do what I do with assigned reading," Jade suggested. "Just skip to the last chapter and see what you can glean from that."

"...You and I are going to have a long talk about your homework after this," Jackie groaned as he quickly began shuffling photographs around, looking for the ones from the back of the shrine. "Hm. Not a bad idea, though. Uncle, I think this describes a spell!"

"To imprison Eris again?" Jade asked.

"I'm not sure," Jackie replied, rubbing his chin. "But if it was placed on here, then it must be for good reason."

"Hmm…" Uncle muttered as he looked at the photograph. "Hot-cha!"

"You can read it?" Captain Black asked.

"No, but Uncle doesn't have to!" Uncle declared proudly. "Spell structure _very_ similar to a chi spell that Uncle knows."

"Which means…?" Jackie asked.

"It means that Sensei and I can probably reverse-engineer it," Tohru said. "It won't be easy, but it's certainly doable."

"So, what's the spell, Uncle?" Jade asked, excited. "Some kind of super-advanced banishing? Extra lasers?"

"No, it is _summoning spell_ ," Uncle replied, looking over the paper. "Used to call upon powerful beings when great danger occurs. Must be failsafe in case urn ever breaks."

"What, so it's like customer support?" Jade asked, scratching her head.

"It could be," Uncle said, sighing. "Based on story, only two candidates for spell to contact."

"Hestia and Prometheus," Captain Black said. "The last Greek immortals to keep their powers. And since Prometheus is the one who set up the defenses _and_ stuck around in the human world, he's probably who the spell was meant for."

"Yes," Uncle said, examining the paper further. "Spell works by contacting being on this plane of existence. Prometheus was the only one of the two to stay on Earth, so we must hope that he will answer our call."

"But why wouldn't he want to help?" Jackie asked. "He put Eris away the first time because he cared for humanity."

"Times have changed," Uncle said. "After so many years, might not like humanity so much any more. One more thing! Immortals very arrogant. Will probably say that we broke the urn, it's our business to clean it up."

"Perhaps," Jackie spoke up. "But he's our best option right now. Uncle, how quickly do you and Tohru think you can get that spell working?"

"Hm...spell very tricky...have to work backwards...thirty minutes!" Uncle declared proudly.

"Okay, good. You two work on that. The rest of us," Jackie continued, looking at Jade and Captain Black, "should head out and try to find Eris. Even if we can't stop her, anything that tells us about their plans would help."

"Wait, really? You're letting me come?" Jade asked, surprised.

"Jade, I've been awake for over twenty-four hours, we have a new magical threat to deal with, and I know better than to assume you'll stay put. But if I include you from the start, that means you have to listen to me and Captain Black, understood?"

"Fine," grumbled Jade.

"Alright, then let's head out," Jackie said as he, Jade, and Captain Black headed for the door.

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"So, is the mission statement clear to you?" Eris asked imperiously, smiling widely as she did. Her three new henchmen had been so attentive to her story that it made her feel just that much more godly.

"Mostly," Vanessa replied. "So, you want to bring about the end of humanity?"

Eris shrugged. "Eventually, yeah. Someone's gotta make those disgusting creatures pay for killing my family. But that's endgame stuff; for now, I need to warm up with some general destruction and anarchy. And in both cases, I'm gonna need some more firepower. Discord alone won't do it, especially after being locked up for so long. But if you recall, I wasn't the only thing in that _amphora_."

"Yes, the powers of the other Olympian gods," Zhīxin said. "You might have been unable to claim them while you were trapped, but now that they're all free…"

"It's anything goes!" Eris declared triumphantly.

"And may I ask what our payment will be?" Kasahara asked hesitantly, before Vanessa and Zhīxin shushed him.

"No, it's fine," Eris said, chuckling. "Gotta love a man who's got his priorities straight. First off, you'll be spared from whatever I do to reset humanity; going to need some people keeping the new herd in line while I re-establish the order of things. But aside from that? Whatever you want. Money? Knowledge? Revenge? Just name it and I will provide."

The three villains looked at each other, and then smiled in unison. "Sounds like a pretty sweet deal," Vanessa said. "We're all in."

Eris clapped her hands. "Now that's what I like to hear! Now you guys need titles, so...Blondie's General and you two are Privates. Savvy?"

"Wait, why does she get to be in charge?" Zhixin asked, slightly annoyed.

"I like the cut of her jib," Eris said with a shrug. "Plus, she was able to reverse-engineer an artifact's magic after what I can only assume was a few hours of contact, so I figure she's qualified."

At that, Kasahara and Zhixin looked at Vanessa. "What?" she said. "I'd be a pretty poor relic hunter if I wasn't familiar with magic, and I'd wanted the Eye for years. Once I actually got a chance to use it, it wasn't that hard to recreate the effects."

"...Okay, she can lead," Zhixin said, slightly flabbergasted.

"Perfect!" Eris beamed. "Now that that's out of the way, let's get ready everyone. That first power should be getting active any moment now…"

At her words, Eris began to glow with a soft golden light. "Ah, speak of the daimon. Let's see what we've got!"

She flicked her wrist, and a cloud of golden mist appeared before her, swirling and glowing before displaying an image. It showed a man, tall and muscular, with a stern look on his white-bearded face. He was wrapped in a white tunic, and had a bolt of lightning clutched in his hand.

"Zeus is first," Eris sighed. "I should've guessed. He would insist on putting the best foot forward."

"I'm guessing you're not interested in explaining that statement?" Vanessa sighed.

"You're catching on," Eris said with a smirk. "Now, where is he hiding?"

She waved a hand through the mist, and it stirred and cast a new image. It displayed a map of California, then zoomed in to San Francisco. "Wait, where is that?" Eris asked.

"Right here," Kasahara told her. "This very city."

"Figures," Eris replied. "He wouldn't wander too far. Well, now we just need to find what we're looking for."

"Meaning?" Vanessa asked.

"Well, those godly powers aren't going to be floating around, you know," Eris explained. "After all, they've been in that _amphora_ for ages! It's scary going back into the outside world after all that! So they'll find an object that has some special meaning to them and hibernate in that until someone with the right mindset comes to wake them up."

"Wait, hold on," Vanessa objected. "You keep talking about the powers like they're alive. Are they?"

"Let's just say kinda and leave it at that for now, okay?" Eris asked. "I'm getting real bored of the exposition. Just understand, they've each sought a vessel, something like each god's symbol, and they'll reveal themselves when they feel like it. Some of 'em may be a bit of a wait. We gods don't do much of anything until we feel like it. But once they do, I can find 'em. Now, let's see what Zeus is hiding in, shall we?"

She stirred the mist again, and a new image appeared. Eris scoffed when she saw it. "Of course. Can't do anything subtly, can you, big guy? So," she continued, turning to her henchmen, "know where that is?"

"Something like that? Shouldn't be too hard to find," Vanessa said confidently.

"Okay, good. Then let's move out, troops!" Eris said, before she and her henchmen vanished from the factory.

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

Meanwhile, in Captain Black's armored car, Jackie and his allies were keeping an eye out for anything... _magicky_ , for lack of a better word.

"Well, I'm not seeing any blown up buildings, so I'm guessing wanton destruction isn't her priority right now," Captain Black mused.

"Yeah, but that just makes her harder to find," Jade replied. "We need to get to her fast."

"Really, Jade?" Jackie asked. "I'd have thought you'd be excited about having something like this happen."

"I'd be lying if I said I wasn't," Jade said, "but if it's the choice between chaotic magical adventures and stopping this before it gets out of hand? I've gotta go with the second one."

Jackie smiled at Jade as he turned to face Captain Black. "She's really growing up, isn't she?" he whispered.

"Yeah, but let's not get ahead of ourselves," Captain Black whispered back. "You know that if we actually get any powers she'll be chomping at the bit to use them."

"I can still hear you both!" Jade snapped. "This isn't that big a car!"

"Sorry, sorry," Captain Black said as he and Jackie chuckled. Just then, Jackie got a strange look in his eyes, and immediately started rummaging through his pockets.

"Everything okay?" Jade asked.

"Yeah, I think so," Jackie said. "It's just that in all the commotion, I forgot about that card I got."

"Wait, a card? You never mentioned a card," Captain Black said, frowning.

"It was at the exhibit. Some guy basically forced it into my hand and tried to intimidate me into handing over the _amphora_. Does this mean anything to you?" Jackie said as he handed the card to Captain Black.

"Hm…'P. Omphalos: Dealer in Artifacts, Antiquities, and Advice'...not ringing any bells," he said as he handed the card back to Jackie. "It's got a number on it, though. Think we should call?"

"And tell him what?" Jackie said as he put the card away. "That we broke 'his' precious urn and unleashed the embodiment of chaos?"

Captain Black winced. "Good point," he said. "Let's table that until after we figure out what's going on."

Jade sighed. "I wonder if Uncle and Tohru are having better luck than us."

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"Sensei, please, I don't think this much garlic is necessary," Tohru pleaded as Uncle began squeezing cloves over a dish of water.

"You want summoning spell to fail? No? Then let Uncle add as much garlic as he wants!" he snapped.

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

Suddenly, the three heard a very insistent buzzing from Captain Black's coat pocket.

"Well, looks like we've found our lead," he said as he pulled the car over.

"What do you mean?" Jackie asked as Captain Black rummaged through his coat.

"The only phone I keep in here is my work phone, which means that the only calls I get involve Section 13 business," he said as his hand emerged with the phone. Quickly putting it to his ear, he listened as the person on the other end started talking. After a few seconds, he said, "Got it," then put the phone away.

"Well?" Jade asked. "What's the news?"

"Barone, Origami, and the monk were just spotted outside City Hall," Captain Black said as he resumed driving. "And there's a lady with rainbow hair who seems to be directing them."

"Guess Eris managed to find herself some henchmen," Jackie said with a sigh. "And these ones are actually dangerous."

"Beats having to deal with the Enforcers for the umpteenth time," Jade snarked.

"Yeah, especially since they actually seem happy with their new career," Captain Black replied.

"Yeah," Jade said, smiling. "Chow make it past coffee boy yet?"

"It's called a barista, and no, he hasn't, nor does he want to," Captain Black answered. "They specifically asked for 'jobs that wouldn't make them fight anymore.' Besides, we needed a new janitor. And the cafeteria's never run smoother."

"Okay, gossip later, stop crazy goddess now!" Jackie pleaded.

"Oh, right. Hold on to your seats!" Captain Black said as he kicked the car into high gear.

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"So how're we going to know which one it is?" Vanessa asked, staring up at the eighteen flagpoles surrounding the San Francisco City Hall. Each of them was topped with a bronze finial that held a sculpture of a bird. They were all of the same bird, but they were too high up to get any clear details.

"Well, I'm not super up-to-date on my ornithology," Eris mused, "and I can barely see them anyway so I guess...try them all?"

Vanessa shrugged. "Works for me," she said, before leaping into the air in front of one of the flagpoles. At the apex of her jump, she vanished, only to reappear higher up. She repeated this a few times until she was atop the finial, holding onto the sculpture, now revealed to be of an eagle. "Doesn't seem like this one," she said, looking over the decorative piece.

Origami leapt at another flagpole, transforming into a paper spider as he did, then effortlessly shinnying up. "Nor this one," he said, his head returning to normal atop the spider body.

"Eh, we've got time," Eris said. "Just keep searching!" She then turned to Zhīxin. "You want to contribute?"

"Ancient wisdom: The amateur hunter should never interfere with the bear," Zhīxin said calmly.

"...Really? Wait, in that scenario, are you saying you're not as good a hunter as the bear, or just that you shouldn't hunt bears?"

Zhīxin opened his mouth, then paused. "Huh. That's actually an interesting philosophical quandary. I shall have to study thi-"

"Nah, bored now, moving on," Eris said dismissively. In a flash, her legs transformed into serpents, with the heads replacing her feet. She leaned forward, did a handspring, then landed snakes-first on the nearest flagpole, where the snakes slithered up.

"I suppose I'll keep watch for Chan then," Zhīxin muttered sulkily. "Why is the _trained magician_ the only one without a climbing technique?" he continued.

However, Zhīxin's grumbling was soon interrupted by the sound of screeching rubber. Looking up, he saw a heavily armored car come to a screeching halt right in front of the flagpoles. Startled, Zhīxin leapt up and began charging energy blasts in his hands.

"Chans incoming!" he shouted as the car doors opened, with Jackie, Jade, and Captain Black all leaping out at him.

With a shout, Jade delivered a flying kick to Zhīxin's face just as the monk blasted. As he bent back, one energy blast shot off and fried Captain Black's car, while the other hit the center of a flagpole (one of the many unoccupied ones), bending it down.

"You're under arrest!" Captain Black announced, pulling out a set of handcuffs and locking Zhīxin's hands behind his back.

"Ancient wisdom," Zhīxin responded with a smirk. "The cornered prey fights the fiercest." As he spoke, his hands began to glow, firing out a burst of energy that not only broke the handcuffs, but forced Captain Black back as Zhīxin leapt away.

"Okay," Captain Black muttered. "Note to self: bring manacles next time."

Jackie, meanwhile, turned to Jade, muttered a quick "Stay put", and jumped ten feet into the air, landing unsteadily on the bent flagpole. "Whatever you are doing, stop right now!" he ordered the three magical villains.

Eris raised an eyebrow. "Who is this guy?" she demanded, turning to Vanessa. "He was there when my urn shattered, too."

"Jackie Chan. Archaeologist, martial artist, and likes to stick his nose in everything," Vanessa said snarkily. "He's the one who handed us the urn in the first place."

"Okay, fine. But why is he _here_?" Eris asked, pointedly ignoring Jackie's protestations. "If he's looking for work, unless he has some superpowers you're not mentioning, he's not getting a job."

"I wish," Vanessa scoffed. "No, he's a total stick-in-the-mud. Works to 'protect' the world from evil magic, so he's probably here to try to stop us."

"Ah," Eris said, a hand on her chin as she remained horizontally astride her flagpole. "And how's that usually work out for him?"

"Better than expected," Origami groaned. "Chan-Jackie-Chan is not only tenacious, but he is also a skilled fighter. What's more, he once had access to the Talismans of Shendu."

"Wait, the old lizard actually pulled it off?" Eris asked, surprised. "Huh. Well, there goes five thousand drachma. Where do I send it to?"

"According to our sources? An inaccessible prison dimension containing him, the Talismans, and a host of other issues," Vanessa said, shrugging.

"Okay, okay," Eris mused, "so what you're saying is that not only do I _not_ owe anyone anything, but this guy is currently trying to stop us with nothing but his fists?"

"Essentially? Yes," Origami said.

Eris started to laugh like a harpy. "This is going to be fun!" she said, before turning to Origami. "Take point, would you? Vanessa and I'll keep searching."

"With pleasure," Origami said, grinning as his human head retreated into his papery body, which leapt from his flagpole of choice and, in a burst of magic, folded into a giant bird. Lunging down, he moved to slash Jackie with his razor-edged wings, but Jackie ducked, fell backward, and grabbed onto the rope beneath him, swinging upward and leaping onto Origami's back.

The bird, no denser than paper, began to sink under the weight, and spun to throw the archaeologist off of its back, but Jackie took advantage of the momentum to jump off and land high up on another flagpole, one closer to Eris. Seizing the state flag of California, he whipped around the pole, then flew off to deliver an open-handed strike to Eris's face.

Eris stumbled back a bit, but then dove behind the flagpole, with her serpents still holding on. Before Jackie could react, she swung back up on his other side and hit him the back of his head. The blow sent him flying over to another pole, one he just barely missed catching as he tried to recover from the hit. Before he could fall far, though, a small hand caught him by the back of his shirt.

"What would you do without me?" Jade sighed as Jackie got ahold of the rope.

"I told you to stay put!" Jackie objected.

"Well, I thought about it, then I figured that there had to be _something_ important about these flagpoles, so I started searching for it," Jade said. "Honestly, do you think I ignore you for the fun of it? Don't answer that," she said as Jackie opened his mouth.

Looking up at Jade, Jackie gave an exasperated sigh of his own. "You do have a point. Just, if you're going to get involved, be careful, okay?"

"Leave the investigating to me," Jade said with a smirk, "while you stick to the fighting."

Jackie nodded, and as Jade continued to climb up the flagpole, he took a moment to assess his surroundings. At the same time, Vanessa stared at her latest finial, shook her head, then teleported toward the next flagpole, using her whip to seize it and climb to investigate the new bronze eagle.

"Hey, I think I've got something!" she said as she looked it over. Not only was the eagle much shinier than the others, but it seemed to have the faint symbol of a thunderbolt engraved on top of its head.

"Sweet! Just hang on while I-hey!" Eris shouted as she swung to avoid one of Zhīxin's blasts. "Watch where you're aiming!"

"Ancient wisdom," Zhīxin shouted. "If you want it done right, do it yourself!"

"Hey, stop sassing the boss and get back to work!" Vanessa snapped, prompting a scowl from Zhīxin as he resumed his fight with Captain Black.

Under Vanessa's hand, the eagle began to glow, but before Vanessa could do more than glance at it, she heard a grunt as Jackie slammed Origami into Jade's flagpole, which Jade used to catapult herself at Vanessa, headbutting her in the abdomen. Groaning, she stumbled backwards, but managed to maintain her grip on the eagle, at least until Jade stomped on her fingers.

Vanessa went into a freefall, but teleported directly upward and flung her whip at Jade's shoe, pulling the child down. Jade wouldn't go without a fight, though, and seized the rope, crying out as it burned her fingers.

Back on the ground, Zhīxin continued to blast at Captain Black, blowing huge holes in City Hall as the Captain tucked and rolled under them. Zhīxin had a noticeable black eye from one of Black's punches, but overall was doing a good job keeping him at a distance. That is, until he was distracted by Jade's cry of pain, and Captain Black grabbed him from behind. Kneeing the monk in the back, he brought a thumb to his mouth, coated it in spit, and rubbed it against Zhīxin's palms, smudging the markings.

"Jackie told me about the Lotus Temple. Can't use those spells without the markings, right?" Captain Black asked with a smug grin.

"Ancient wisdom," Zhīxin replied with a grin of his own. "Even without claws and fangs, the tiger is not to be underestimated!"

"Okay, seriously, do you come up with these on the spot, or-?" Captain Black began, only to be interrupted by Zhīxin slamming his head against the captain's chest, knocking him backwards. It barely hurt, but it gave Zhīxin enough breathing room to get back on his feet.

Back in the air, Origami folded himself again, taking the form of a giant paper cricket, allowing him to leap from the ground to the very heights of the flagpoles, and each time he delivered a superpowered kick to Jackie's chest. As Jackie desperately held on to the flagpole, Eris leapt down the line of them, hurrying to the one where Vanessa and Jade struggled to reach the top. When Origami came up again, Jackie grabbed the city flag and wrapped it around Origami, trapping him and allowing Jackie to move down the line after Eris.

"I'm coming, Jade!" Jackie cried as he caught up to Eris. The goddess of chaos elbowed Jackie in the chin, but he kicked her in the shoulder blade and bounced higher up.

"Hurry it up!" Jade called back, swinging wildly on the rope as she dodged Vanessa's punches and whip strikes. To her surprise, she spun around and slammed into Vanessa's back, sending the relic hunter flying. "Oh, or not!" she amended.

"Not a chance, brat!" Vanessa screamed, teleporting to the flagpole beside her. "I haven't forgotten about Desolation Island!" She flicked her whip at Jade's hand and once again sent her falling, barely catching the rope halfway down the pole.

Simultaneously, the flag holding Origami was slashed to ribbons as he emerged in the form of a giant paper praying mantis, which pounced over to interrupt Eris's fight with Jackie. Jackie grabbed the rope and wrapped it around the pair, then jumped over to help Jade, who had once again ascended the pole and was now in the process of unscrewing the eagle finial.

Screaming in fury, Eris ripped off a hunk of Origami, balled it up, and threw it at Jade, and despite its light weight, the projectile threw her off-balance and sent her falling again, along with the finial. With a triumphant cry, though, Jackie caught them both.

Enraged, Vanessa let out a screech and glared at her fellow henchman. "What was that?" she snapped as Origami struggled to untangle himself. "It's combat 101; you don't interrupt someone in the middle of a fight!"

"But-" Origami began.

"No buts! You jeopardized this whole mission, and for what?! So you could get even with Chan?" she snarled. Meanwhile, down on the ground, the eagle finial started to glow in Jackie's hands.

"Huh?" Jackie said, before looking up and noticing a similar glow growing around Vanessa. "Oh no…"

"No, it's clear that you have _no_ idea how to handle a situation like this. And that goes double for you, Zhīxin!" she continued, glaring at the monk as he and Captain Black paused. "When your most powerful weapons are water-soluble, you take steps to protect them!"

"Um, Vanessa..." Zhīxin began, only for Vanessa to snap her fingers, producing a sound like a thunderclap.

"Save it! It's clear what needs to happen. From now on, _I'm_ taking full command here! I'm the smartest, the cleverest, and the only one qualified to handle a situation like this! I am the Queen of Relic Hunters, and you will not disobey my orders again!" she screeched.

Suddenly, the eagle finial squirmed in Jackie's hands, prompting a yelp of surprise. While he tried to hold onto it, Vanessa stared down at the decorative topper and smiled. With a flick of her arm, she sent down her whip and seized the finial, then tossed it into the air where she caught it in her outstretched hand.

" _That's the way,"_ a deep, masculine voice echoed in Vanessa's head. _"That commanding presence, the way you control those beneath you. You and I will get along famously, won't we, Ms. Barone?"_

Vanessa gave a wild grin. "You can bet on it...Zeus," she said quietly, before she exploded into a burst of lightning, one that completely hid her from view. The last thing they saw of her was that same grin as she was completely encased in crackling white energy. The eagle, now dull and tarnished, landed on the flagpole and slid off, hitting the ground below with a dull _clunk_.

"Interesting," Eris said as Origami cut her free. "It appears the power of Zeus reacted to her natural leadership. And now that it's active…" she trailed off as she laughed hysterically and swung over to Vanessa's flagpole, locking her legs around it. "Hand it over to mama!"

Eris began chanting in Greek, but the energy gave no reaction. She tried a few more times, but nothing seemed to happen, except for the lightning slowly dissipating, seeming to conform to Vanessa's shape as it did. "Hm," Eris muttered. "Looks like I'll need a stronger spell to take the power for myself..."

"Miss Eris! Shall we eliminate Ms. Barone for you?" Origami asked as he flew over.

"Huh? Oh no, it's no big deal. I'll get it eventually. Besides, this place is making me sick. It absolutely _reeks_ of stuffy old bureaucracy! It's like a prison for the soul, and I should know! And in the meantime," she added, glancing back up at her empowered minion, "I'm sure Vanessa can cause plenty of chaos on her own." She conjured a small object in her hand, then tossed it upward. "Vanessa, dear, once you're finished, just use this key on any door!"

As the key reached Vanessa, now outlined so precisely by the lightning that she seemed a statue carved of crackling blue and white electricity, the woman's hand suddenly snapped out and caught it before tucking it away. As the last of the energy sank into Vanessa's body, Eris grabbed Origami and dropped to the ground, landing on all fours. She slipped over to grab Zhīxin in her other arm, and all three vanished in a golden mist, leaving only a graffiti image of a golden apple where they'd once stood.

Meanwhile, Jackie, Jade, and Captain Black looked up at Vanessa, who was standing as still as a statue, her eyes closed, her hands resting at her sides. Suddenly her eyes snapped open, her lips formed into a feral grin, and she let loose a maniacal cackle, just as she was struck by a bolt of lightning.

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"White of lark's egg!" Uncle cried.

"Yes, sensei," Tohru replied, pouring the aforementioned albumen into the cauldron.

"Powdered moly flower!"

"Yes, sensei."

"Tooth of moray eel!"

"Um…" Tohru hesitated for a moment.

"What, Tohru?!" Uncle demanded.

Tohru hung his head. "I...used the last moray tooth on my scroll spell."

"Aiyah!" Uncle screamed. "You want Uncle to finish summoning spell? THEN GET UNCLE A SUBSTITUTE INGREDIENT!"

Tohru thought for a moment, then rummaged through the shelves until he found a small bottle. "Would a sawtooth incisor work?"

Uncle thought for a moment, then nodded. "Not perfect, but best we can do. Give to Uncle!"

"Yes, sensei," Tohru said as he handed the bottle to Uncle, who emptied its contents into the cauldron. As soon as he did, the previously green liquid turned a deep red.

"Ai-yah! Spell is activating! Quick, start chanting!" Uncle screeched as he retrieved a clove of garlic and tossed it into the brew. "And one final ingredient," he said, holding up a white bulb with green stalks. "Fennel!"

Tohru nodded and Uncle dropped the fennel into the cauldron, and then he and Uncle both began to incant. " _Yu Mo Gui Gwai Fai Di Zao_ , _Yu Mo Gui Gwai Fai Di Zao_ , _Yu Mo Gui Gwai Fai Di Zao_ ," they chanted, as the substance in the cauldron got redder and redder, before finally exploding upward into a shimmering red portal.

On the other side was a darkened room lined with scrolls, its single occupant almost completely obscured by the darkness. "Finally!" it said, its voice tense. "We don't have much time!"

"Are you-" Tohru began to ask before the figure cut him off.

"Talk later! Things just took a turn for the worse at City Hall, and you're going to need this spell to fix it. So listen carefully," the figure said grimly, "because the world depends on it. Now, grab your supplies and let's go!"

Uncle and Tohru watched in stunned silence for a moment as the figure stepped through. "Um, sensei, didn't we leave the car at the museum?" Tohru asked as he crammed a duffel bag full of supplies. "And we still haven't fixed the _amphora_."

"The _amphora's_ not important!" the figure snapped. "You already have something that'll work! Right there!"

The figure pointed at a shelf holding a single strange object which looked like a bizarre cross between a handheld vacuum and a compass.

"Tohru, call a taxi!" Uncle barked. He grabbed his blowfish, newt, and the device, turning to the figure. "Now, start teaching spell!"

"Normally I'd burn a human to ashes for taking that tone with me," the figure said as Tohru started out the door, "but I'll let it slide because we're in a crisis. Now, the first thing you're going to need is some olive oil…"

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

Back at City Hall, Jackie and his allies were covering their eyes, blinded by the flash. But in a few seconds, the light faded, and the three of them turned back to the flagpole. They stared up at Vanessa, mouths open with shock and horror. Vanessa had changed, in more ways than one.

Her long blonde hair had burst free from its ponytail and was now floating behind her, crackling with electricity. The same lightning emanated from her eyes, casting the angles of her face in harsh shadow. Her outfit had completely transformed, taking on the same bronze color of the eagle and looking more like a set of regal robes than her usual ensemble. The air around her was charged with electricity, the sky above her heavy with the tension of an oncoming storm.

And, perhaps most terrifying of all, where once Vanessa wielded a whip, now she held a sizzling bolt of lighting, thin and curved and emerging from a handle-shaped cloud in her hand. With a flick of the wrist, she snapped it, producing another thunderclap, then looked down at the Chans.

"Whoa, nelly!" Captain Black exclaimed.

Vanessa unleashed a booming laugh that seemed to echo across the area like a rumbling thunderstorm. "Yes!" she proclaimed. "I can feel the powers of the universe resonating within my very being!" Still laughing, she cracked her lightning whip, sending an arc of sizzling electricity directly at the metal flagpole where Jackie and Jade were still hanging.

Jackie's incredible instincts, both combat and parental, kicked in, and he quickly tossed Jade down to Captain Black, who caught her in his outstretched arms. Jackie, on the other hand, failed to escape before the blast struck the pole. He fell to the sidewalk, rolling forward and barely avoiding breaking any bones, his clothes smoking and burnt.

"Jackie, are you alright?" Captain Black asked.

"Whassa Jackie?" Jackie replied, dazed.

"Oh that's perfect," Jade muttered.

"Time to call in backup!" Captain Black insisted. "Jade, try and revive your uncle!"

Jade nodded and grabbed Jackie by the shoulders, lightly shaking him as Captain Black whipped out his phone and barked coordinates into it. Curious pedestrians flocked to the scene, only to scatter when Vanessa sent a bolt their way.

"Foolish mortals," Vanessa scoffed. "Hardly worth my effort. And as for _that_ ," she sniffed contemptuously, staring at the bronze eagle finial lying at the base of the flagpole, "it has served me well. Perhaps I'll give it a place of honor in my new Olympus."

With a snap of her fingers, the wind picked up around the finial, soon forming a miniature cyclone that lifted the sculpture into Vanessa's waiting hand. With nary a thought, she tucked it away in her jacket, the eagle seeming to slide right in. As it did, a flicker of a grin appeared on her face. "This is going to make relic hunting _so_ much easier," she said to herself, before looking back down at Jackie and the others.

"That little bird has given me an idea, Chan," she bragged to her foe, who had regained most of his awareness by now. "I'll send this entire city back to the Bronze Age! You mortals can't live without your precious electricity, can you? Imagine what'll happen when I take back what was rightfully mine!"

With that, Vanessa began swinging her whip above her head, the band of lightning growing brighter and brighter with each rotation until she seemed to have a halo of electricity floating above her. Suddenly, streams of electricity began to pour out of every object in range; buildings, vehicles, even phones all had their power visibly sucked away, leaving them darkened and empty. What few people were left in City Hall poured out, wondering why the office had gone dark, only to scream and run when they saw Vanessa.

"A _glorious_ start to my new age," Vanessa said as she brought her whip to a rest, "but not sufficient. If I am to rid these creatures of my stolen property, I must go straight to the source. You!" she demanded, imperiously pointing at one of the fleeing civil servants, who just happened to be the mayor of San Francisco. "If you value your life, you will direct me to what you people call the...'power plant'."

"A-anything you say!" the mayor said, sweat pouring down his bald head as his bushy red mustache trembled. "J-just don't hurt my constituents, please!"

Vanessa rolled her eyes. "I will do whatever I wish, mortal," she said snidely, not even looking at the mayor's hunched up figure. "Now, the information?"

Meanwhile, Jackie, Jade and Captain Black were huddled together, trying to escape Vanessa's notice.

"Okay, so if she was able to do this much damage here, then we _cannot_ let her get to the power plant," Captain Black said seriously.

"No duh, but what're we going to do to about fighting her?" asked Jade, sneaking glances at the woman in question. "I mean, seriously! I don't even think Tchangzu packed that much punch!"

"It's the essence of a god's power," Jackie said solemnly. "Demonic sorcery cannot hope to compare to it, and I think physical attacks will be much the same."

"So, again, how do we beat her?" Jade asked indignantly. "Sheesh, this is the Demon Chi all over ag-" she stopped, her eyes widening. "That's it!"

"What's it?" Captain Black asked.

"It's just like the Demon Chi! The power was in an object, she absorbed it, and now she's going crazy! We don't have to _outfight_ her; we just need to _depower_ her!" Jade said triumphantly.

Jackie smiled. "Good thinking, Jade! I'll call up Uncle and-oh," he muttered as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a powerless cell phone. "Well, that's not good."

Captain Black grimaced. "Okay, so this is going to be tough, but we can still work this. Jade, I need you to try to run back to Uncle's store and pick him up. Jackie, you and I will distract Barone."

"Mhm," Jackie responded, nodding his head as Jade followed suit. However, just as they were about to move, they heard a familiar voice coming up the road, striding through the strangled mass of cars stopped by Vanessa's EMP-style power theft.

"Sensei...is all of this... really necessary?" Tohru panted as he came into view. He was sweating profusely as he jogged up to City Hall, a duffel bag in one hand, the Chi-o-Matic in the other, and Uncle perched on his shoulders.

"You want Uncle to suffer heat stroke? No? Then carry Uncle to destination!" Uncle barked.

As Tohru got closer, Jackie noticed that he was being followed by someone else. Someone rather familiar…

"Mr. Omphalos?!" Jackie squaked. Indeed, coming up alongside Tohru was Mr. Omphalos himself, looking like he had just stepped out of an office rather than run up a crowded road. "What are you doing here?"

"I gave you my number for a reason, Chan!" Mr. Omphalos snapped as the trio reached City Hall. "A phone's more reliable than a summoning spell these days!"

Jackie's mouth hung open for a moment before his eyes widened in realization. "Wait, you mean...so you're…you're…." he stammered, looking close enough to faint.

"Prometheus, creator and savior of humanity, yes," Mr. Omphalos said gruffly. " But there's no time to talk. Keep that woman busy while we finish the draining spell!"

The newly-revealed Prometheus, looking quite cranky, grabbed the duffel bag from Tohru and started taking things out, Uncle quickly descending to the ground and prepping the Chi-o-matic.

"Okay, so we managed most of it in the car," Prometheus pointed out to Uncle. "Now, add the crushed cedar leaves and adder bile into the olive oil mixture…"

Jackie turned his attention away from the Titan, then used one foot to sweep Jade back. "Stay with Captain Black!" he warned, before leaping away, landing right next to the cowering mayor. "Pardon me, Your Honor," he said, before pushing the terrified man aside. "Miss Barone!" he shouted. "You've been possessed by something very powerful. We need to get it out of you as soon as possible!"

"Possessed? You don't know the first thing about it, Chan!" Vanessa sneered as she gracefully leapt off the flagpole, a cyclone forming around her to lower her to the ground. "You think that Zeus's taken me over? I'm afraid it's not that simple."

"What?!" Jackie asked as Vanessa landed.

"I was wondering at first why the boss kept referring to the powers as if they were alive, but now I get it," Vanessa said, idly swinging her whip. "See, it wasn't just power in that eagle, Chan. It was memories, quirks, emotions; some of the things that made Zeus who he was got mixed in with it."

"Then-" Jackie began before Vanessa cut him off.

"But Zeus is dead; not even putting his power into a new body is going to change it. And so while that stuff may change me, it's not taking me over. In fact, it's more like the other way around; I'm not just using Zeus's power, I have become the new Zeus herself!" she declared grandly, a thunderclap punctuating her statement. "I may have a little baggage right now, but it's all Barone up here. And right now, she's going to be getting her revenge!"

"You'll have to catch me first!" Jackie replied, only to find himself in the center of a very small tornado. "Oh…"

"Yeah, 'oh'," Vanessa said smugly. "Now don't try to move, or I'll turn that thing into a blender."

"But how?" Jackie asked, trying to buy time. "Zeus wasn't god of the wind!"

"No stalling this time, Chan!" Vanessa snarled. "I'm not giving you any chance to escape!"

With a wicked grin, Vanessa raised her whip and flung her arm back, prepared to reduce her nemesis to a pile of ash. However, right before she could do so, a wave of fire washed over her, hiding her from sight.

Suddenly, the tornado around Jackie stopped, leaving Jackie free. As he looked around, he saw Prometheus with a hand extended, fire blazing brightly around his palm.

"What have you done?!" Jackie demanded, staring at the Titan with horrified eyes. "You've-"

"Got her attention," Prometheus muttered grimly. "She's literally the new Zeus, Chan; a little fire won't hurt her. And if this is how you're going to act when I save your life, then maybe I just won't do it anymore."

"That's not going to be a problem," came Vanessa's voice, before a sudden depressurization in the air caused the fire surrounding her to go out. Indeed, she was completely unharmed. "Because I'll be taking care of _both_ of you soon enough."

"Hmph. So, looks like Zeus made the most of his imprisonment. That's, what, all four winds he absorbed the powers from?" Prometheus asked. "Should've known the Olympians would gobble up all of their lessers."

"Hey, you wanted to keep them around? Maybe you shouldn't have shoved them all together and hoped for the best! Or, you know, you could have just _not_ engineered a divine genocide!" Barone snapped.

"Like I always told my brother, hindsight is 20/20," Prometheus sighed. "And it doesn't do to dwell. Now, Uncle, drizzle the potion over an oak branch and we're nearly done!"

"He calls you 'Uncle', too?" Jade muttered, nudging Uncle. "How's that work?"

Uncle just shrugged. "Formalities not important! Tohru! Hand Uncle oak branch!" the old wizard barked.

"Um…" Tohru muttered, looking sheepish.

"Tohru…" Uncle growled. "You'd better not be thinking that you forgot oak branch…"

"I didn't forget it!" Tohru protested hotly, before deflating. "I...never had it in the first place."

"Ai-yah!" Uncle screeched. "Uncle told you it was most important ingredient!"

"No you didn't!" Tohru argued. "You spent the whole time preparing the spell in the backseat while I had to make small talk with the cab driver!"

"Oh, so now you want _Uncle_ to explain everything to you? Thought you were done with your apprenticeship!" Uncle fired back, glaring at Tohru. "Each spell requires a piece of a plant or animal sacred to specific god!"

The massive man was about to respond when he was interrupted by a thunderclap.

"Sorry to interrupt," Vanessa said sarcastically as the two wizards turned to face her, "but I figure I'd better nip this in the bud. Say 'Goodbye' to your uncle, Chan!"

With that, she swung the whip straight at Uncle, its entire body crackling with electricity. Tohru immediately picked Uncle up and tried to dive out of the way, but wasn't able to avoid a strike to the arm that left him screaming in pain, his skin sizzling where the lightning had touched.

"Big T!" Jade gasped, before turning to glare at Vanessa. "What are you trying to do, kill them?"

"Yes I am," Vanessa said bluntly. "Like I said, no more chances for any of you. And that _includes_ giving you whatever time you need to finish up that spell."

"She has a point," Prometheus groaned. "Without an oak branch, we can't use the spell, and without the spell, we have no way of hurting her! I can blast her with fire until the cows come home, but it won't make a bit of difference."

Jackie, meanwhile, was deep in thought. "Wait, does it have to be an oak _branch_ specifically?" he asked.

"Hm? Well, no, but it's not like there's anything made of oak out here," Prometheus replied thoughtfully. As he continued mull over Jackie's words, though, a fire began to flicker in his eyes. "Although I suppose...then again there's no guarantee…"

"Not like we have other options," Jackie said.

"Good point. I'll round up the wizards and get things set up. Think you can grab her attention?" Prometheus asked.

"I think the better question is, 'How long can I stay alive while doing it?'" Jackie sighed, before straightening up and shouting, "Hey! Miss Zeus Barone!"

"Oh for the love of me, will you shut up with the 'Miss' nonsense!" Vanessa snapped as she turned to face Jackie. "I am an adventurer, I am a warrior, and I am the new ruler of Olympus! If you are to address me, it will be as your unquestioned ruler or not at all!"

"Well, if you want my respect so bad, then come and get it!" Jackie replied, before turning on his heel and dashing through the doors to City Hall.

Vanessa sighed. "Why does he _always_ make this difficult?" she muttered as she rushed after him, her feet surrounded by a current of air that suspended her above the ground.

As soon as Vanessa was out of sight, Prometheus rushed over to the group, Tohru having his arm bandaged by a coatless Captain Black. "Okay, so Chan's going to be buying us the time we need to find the last ingredient. We wait thirty seconds, then we head in and search for _anything_ made of oak in that building. Sound like a plan?"

"Um, okay, sure, but you know she's going to catch on at some point," Jade pointed out. "We need something that can slow her down..." she mused as her eyes roamed over the cars. But as her eye landed on Captain Black's, her memory flashed to her practical exam earlier that day. A sly grin spread across her face. "And I think I know just what that is…"

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

Jackie stumbled through the heavy doors and into the reception area. He cast a quick gaze on the reception desk, then shook his head. "Beech," he sighed, before placing his palms on it and vaulting over. Seconds after, there was a loud thunderclap as the desk burst into flaming shards, revealing Vanessa standing atop her cushion of wind, already drawing her whip back for another swing.

"Baddaybaddaybadday!" Jackie cried as he sprinted down the marble-tiled foyer. He tucked and rolled forward, just barely avoiding her second lash, then selected a door that was, unfortunately, made of teak. He dashed down a hallway, kicking every door in his path, knocking over plinths holding busts of previous mayors as he looked for even a single piece of oak furniture.

*BAM!* "Walnut." *BAM* "Maple." *BAM* "Oh, who has a desk made of _pine_!?"

Meanwhile, Vanessa was constantly on his heels, her control of the winds granting her complete mobility in the enclosed hallways, and her constant whip cracks echoing like thunder as her lightning-bolt weapon arced towards Jackie's ever-dodging body. He was running on pure adrenaline by this point, his every move just an instant ahead of certain death. Electricity was filling the air, his hair standing on end and every surface he touched delivering a shock.

Finally, Jackie let out a sigh as he threw open the door to the mayor's office, where there sat a huge, magnificent desk of-

"Oak!" Jackie exclaimed. "Finally!"

"Congratulations," snarled Vanessa as she appeared in the doorway, Jackie yelping and backing away from the enraged relic hunter. "I'll make sure to leave a piece at your gravesite. Today, Chan, is finally my day!"

"Why settle for a good day," Jade's voice called from the hallway, "when you can have a Goodyear?"

Vanessa snarled as she readied her whip, only for something to be thrown on top of her. Said item was...

"A tire?!" Vanessa exclaimed.

Indeed, Vanessa's arms were currently bound by one of Captain Black's tires, the rubber sizzling against her skin.

"Rubber doesn't conduct electricity," Jade explained with a smirk as she appeared at the door, the rest of the group standing farther down. "Guess science actually _can_ be useful!"

Vanessa sighed. "Rubber's not _magically_ anti-electricity, child," she snarled as her body started to arc with electricity. Suddenly, the tire began to melt away, molten rubber falling to the ground. "You've only bought yourself a little extra time!"

"Then it's a good thing that was just a decoy," Jade replied. "Jackie!"

Jackie smiled and delivered a chop to the top of the desk...then immediately let out a whimper and shook his hand in pain. "Right," he wheezed. "Oak is very sturdy."

"Well, find a weak spot, and fast!" Jade shouted. "She'll break free any second!"

Jackie searched the desk, then smiled and pulled out a drawer, slamming his fist into the bottom. He winced in pain again, but the drawer splintered. Smiling, Jackie snatched a piece from midair with his free hand and tossed it to Jade, who threw it to Prometheus, who threw it to Uncle, who poured his olive oil-heavy potion over it.

"Uncle is still not sure about the magical properties of olive oil, but…" the old man sighed and lifted the Chi-o-Matic. " _Yu Mo Gui Gwai Fai Di Zao, Yu Mo Gui Gwai Fai Di Zao!"_ However, the Chi-o-Matic remained inert.

"What are you doing?!" Prometheus demanded. The molten rubber around Vanessa was now turning to smoke. Her skin was taking on a black tinge, and a horrible, acrid smell filled the air as her electricity built up to even more dangerous levels. "There are no goblins or evil spirits here!"

"Is Uncle's incantation! Has always worked before!" Uncle snapped. Then his face fell. "Except...with oni masks…"

"Exactly! You can't fight Greek magic with chi spells; you need a Greek one! Repeat after me! _Theía Dýnami, Afíste Grígora!_ "

Uncle sneered at the Titan, but he and Tohru joined in the chant.

" _Theía Dýnami, Afíste Grígora! Theía Dýnami, Afíste Grígora! Theía Dýnami, Afíste Grígora!"_

As they chanted, the Chi-o-Matic began to glow with a steady green light, as a vacuum-like sound came from the "mouth" of the device.

Back in the room, Vanessa had all but obliterated the tire when she felt a slight tugging in her chest. Gasping, she turned and saw Uncle holding his glowing device aloft.

"No!" she screamed, spinning her whip around her head. "I will not be defeated again!"

With a screech, she cracked her whip, sending the tip straight towards the Chi-o-Matic. It hit the mouth cleanly, but rather than destroy it, it was instead held fast, the lightning slowly ebbing out of it as the suction on Vanessa increased.

"Ah, you give us direct connection! Makes things much easier!" Uncle said snidely as Vanessa started to panic. The speed of the spell increased, golden energy streaming out of Vanessa's form, her body shifting between her divine and normal forms as she frantically tried to drop the whip and run. But it was to no avail; in a matter of moments, Vanessa was left completely normal, the eagle finial falling out of her now ordinary coat, while the Chi-o-Matic's jar glowed with a crackling golden light. As if to punctuate the scene, the lights in City Hall all turned back on as their stolen power was restored.

"Awesome!" Jade cheered, leaping into the air. "Lightning in a bottle!"

"And as for you, Vanessa," Jackie began, "you're going to be-Hey!" he shouted as the relic hunter turned and ran. Seeing Jackie's friends in one direction, she sprinted the other way.

"See you next time, Chans!" she called back, only to run headfirst into Captain Black, backed by a guard of ten men wielding laser rifles. She growled and raised her hands, but just as Captain Black stepped forth to arrest her, she teleported to the side, directly into the nearest room.

With a laugh, she slammed the door and, ignoring the pounding from the other side, jammed Eris's key into the hole and turning it. As soon it made a full rotation, it popped, letting out a green mist that surrounded Vanessa, filling the entire room, as well as a sound like a goose cramming its feet into high heels. In a few moments, Vanessa faded out much like she had in the museum, disappearing in black and white like the ending of a silent film. And just like that, the room was empty.

Seconds later, Captain Black and Jackie burst through the door, looking around frantically. "Must've just missed her," Captain Black growled as he took in the empty room.

"Yes, but at least we managed to save the city _and_ capture the power," Jackie replied. "And I'm sure Eris isn't the type to let failure go unpunished."

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"You feeling okay, Vanessa, dear?" Eris asked as she handled the relic hunter a glass of water. She and the rest of her group were back in the jeans factory, recovering from the mission.

"Apart from some memories rattling around in my head? Yeah, I'm doing alright, Boss," Vanessa replied as she gratefully drank from the glass.

"Yeah, that's what those powers'll do to you," Eris said, patting Vanessa's back. "Don't worry, it'll pass soon."

"Um, Miss Eris?" Origami asked hesitantly. "Not to pry, but...aren't you upset?"

"Yes," Zhīxin added, "She did fail to bring you the power, after all. She wasn't even able to stop the Chans."

"Two things. One, this whole 'undermining your fellow employees' thing? Stop it. Infighting isn't going to get us anywhere," Eris said authoritatively. "I love chaos and discord, but there's a time and place. And two, yes, I am a little upset. But taking it out on Vanessa or any of you won't do me any good, will it? Besides, she didn't fail at all."

"What do you mean?" Origami asked.

"She got Prometheus to show his face, she caused a lot of chaos, and she showed those goody-goodies just how dangerous these powers can be," the goddess answered with a smirk. "Which means they're not going to use them against us. They're probably going to lock them away, safe and sound in whatever hidey-hole they manage to cook up."

"And that helps us how?" Vanessa asked.

"Because they're good, and ordered, and stupid," Eris said. "That means they're predictable. They're going to hide Zeus's power, then they're going to hide whatever other powers they find in the same place. Which means…"

"...they'll be easy pickings once we're ready," Vanessa finished with a smile. "I like it. But does that mean we should _try_ to give them the powers?"

"Not a chance!" Eris said, rolling her mismatched eyes. "Just because they'll make it easy for us doesn't mean we'll make it easy for them! Besides, I want those powers, and I want them ASAP. I've just learned to see 'ASAP' differently since being stuck in that _amphora_. Mainly because back then it meant ' _amphora_ -stored and preserved'."

"Wait, how does that-" Origami began before Zhīxin nudged him in the ribs.

"Ancient wisdom: Do not question the monkey on why it swings," he muttered, before raising his voice. "So what is the plan for now?"

"Well, while we wait for the next power to perk up, we're going to be making a little field trip," Eris said. "You see, Prometheus has something he wants, I have something that _I_ want, and wouldn't you know it? They're both in the same place."

"And where exactly would that be?" Vanessa asked.

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"Mount Olympus?!" Jackie screeched at Prometheus, who just looked on calmly. In the back, Uncle was angrily lecturing Captain Black about needing a portable containment unit to store Zeus's power, while Jade and Tohru looked on and Section 13 agents helped to direct all of the repowered vehicles through the blackout-induced traffic jam.

"Yes, Mount Olympus," he repeated. "The home of the gods, where the ruins of their palace lies hidden by ancient magic. Trust me, to see the end, we'll have to start from the beginning."

"At least _one_ fight is over," Jackie sighed. Prometheus growled and gave him a two-fingered jab to the head. "Ow!"

"This is the beginning of a battle for the fate of the world as you know it!" Prometheus snarled. "And I can't hold your hand every step of the way! A lot more powers were released from that urn, and I haven't forgotten whose fault it was!"

Jackie was about to respond when Jade got into Prometheus's face. "Hey, lay off a bit, huh? _He's_ not the one who made your prison a 'Get-out-of-Jail-Free' button."

"Yes, I'll admit, that was a foolish decision in hindsight," Prometheus grumbled, "but even so, it would have remained locked away if Chan hadn't found it, and if I'd gotten my hands on it last night, we wouldn't be in this mess right now!"

"Then maybe you should've-" Jade began, only to be cut off by Jackie resting a hand on her shoulder.

"Jade, thank you, but Prometheus is right," he said, looking the Titan in the eye. "Whether all or not, I do bear at least _some_ responsibility in unleashing these powers."

Prometheus nodded with approval. "Nice to know that someone still sees sense. So, ready to save the world to make up for your failure?"

"No," Jackie said sternly, his allies standing behind him. "I'm saving the world because it's the right thing to do."

"Yeah," Jade added. "Besides, we've got plenty of practice."

"Uncle must do _much_ research on Greek magic! Will give burping chaos goddess a piece of Uncle next time we meet!" Uncle declared, giving a disdainful sniff.

"Can we please stop calling her that now?" Tohru sighed, shaking his head.

Meanwhile, Captain Black was standing next to Prometheus. "You want my opinion?" he asked. "We're lucky that that urn blew up when it did."

"How do you figure?" Prometheus said sullenly.

"Because I can't think of a better team to save the world than these guys," Captain Black replied.

Prometheus then turned to examine the group; Jackie trying to convince Jade not to join in, Jade making liberal use of her training to avoid him, and Uncle and Tohru having a shouting match over magic particulars.

"...You know what the worst part is? You're probably right," Prometheus groaned as he rested his head in his hands, Captain Black patting him on the shoulder. But through his hands, there could be seen an optimistic smile and matching glint in his eyes. Despite his grumblings, there was hope for this world yet.

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

 **GPQ: And the journey begins. *munches on a pork rind***

 _MP: You're gonna share that, right?_

 **GPQ: I brought spare bags, along with dried strawberries, kiwis, mangos and lots of nuts. Oh, and have some coconuts. And I swear if you start singing about how I have a lovely bunch of coconuts…**

PA2: You're forgetting something….

 **GPQ: Oh right, right. What happens next. So, let's see…**

 _ **Next time: With Zeus all bottled up, the Chans head off to the home of the gods in order to talk with the last remaining Olympian god. But they won't be feasting on ambrosia and nectar as they must plead with her to join them in saving humanity from Eris's chaotic machinations.**_

 _ **It's time that Jackie Chan had a "Hot Date with Hestia"!**_

 _MP: Remember to fave, follow, and review!_


	3. Hot Date with Hestia

_MP: And we're back after a long absence!_

PA2: It would have been shorter if you didn't insist on having such a huge chapter buffer.

 _MP: Two chapters is not huge! Besides, I originally only planned this "episode" to be two chapters. I didn't expect it to grow so much!_

PA2: After Frau Marchen, you probably should have. (FYI, it'd be fantastic if you would read that too).

 **GPQ: Anything else you want to plug? (Like my Legends of the Three Caballeros story, or my new Pokemon/Yu-Gi-Oh Arc-V tale?)**

 _MP: Not really. *takes a sip of Pepsi, logo facing out*_

PA2: Come on, man, at least shill out for our own stuff.

 _MP: I don't get paid for our own stuff. And I need money to pay for all those ridiculous bets I lose. Also for spending on things._

 **GPQ: If you're waiting for a check, I think it'll be a while. Pepsi execs probably don't read fanfiction.**

 _MP: Just once can't you two support my nonsense? It's the reason we have this fic._

PA2: If we did, we wouldn't be living up to our comedic function. What's a boke without a tsukkomi or two?

 _MP: Watch the language. Just because I'm weird doesn't mean I'm stupid. Anyway, this bit has gone on too long. Let's start the chapter already._

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

 **Jackie Chan Adventures: Olympian Journey**

 **Chapter 3: Hot Date with Hestia**

Eris burst out of the corridor, panting and sweating. Even after being sealed in a ceramic urn for eons, that was the single most terrifying and insufferable experience of her immortal life. She'd never tasted air so stale, never felt so confined, never been treated with such absolute indignity!

"I told you you should've sprung for first class," Kasahara whispered to Vanessa as they and Zhixin followed Eris out of the terminal and into the Thessaloniki Airport "Makedonia" proper.

"We need to limit our spending!" Vanessa hissed back. "We're not working for a crime syndicate; unless Eris decides she wants to make money, we're stuck tapping into our savings!"

"Too boring!" came Eris's voice as she staggered back towards her employees. "I mean, do you seriously want me to use my divine powers to make something as common as _currency?_ "

"It's less about the money and more about the fact that if we're going to be traipsing all around the globe looking for these things, it'd be nice to have some more cash in hand," Vanessa said.

"Of course, that's not to say that some more tangible rewards for our service wouldn't be appreciated," Kasahara muttered before Vanessa elbowed him in the side.

"You make a decent point," Eris said, waving her hand. "And I suppose there are quite a few artifacts in the palace on Olympus that aren't doing anyone any good. You can take those if you want. Odds are they'll pay those...what do you call them? 'Bills'? Now shut up while I continue complaining about that indignity! Seriously, they wouldn't even give me a full can of that bubbly drink! And nobody tells me I'm not allowed to make smoke!"

"They meant cigarettes," Zhixin said, shaking his head. "Not turning into a cloud of it."

"Whatever. Thank Chaos itself I'll never have to do _that_ again!" Eris said with a sigh of relief.

"Dare I ask why?" Vanessa asked. "I mean, you've already made it clear you can't teleport us everywhere."

"Yes, and you have _no_ idea how annoying that is," Eris groaned. "Get your power sucked up by sorcerers and suddenly you can barely teleport cross-country. But lucky for us, we've got the next best thing. Or at least we _will_ once we get to Olympus."

"Can we teleport there at least?" Kasahara begged.

"Yes and no," Eris replied. "We can teleport to the top of the mountain no problem, but that's just the tip of the iceberg. See, we lived sort of 'above' the mountain, dimensionally speaking. It's a lot of complicated nonsense that I'd love to subject you to if we weren't on a time crunch, but the long and short of it is that in order to get to _Olympus_ Olympus, it's gonna take some more magic just to open the door. And once we get inside..."

"Let me guess; mazes, death traps, and all manner of horrifying monsters?" Vanessa said, sighing.

Eris nodded. "We took home security pretty seriously back then. Plus, I'm sure Prometheus cooked up some new tricks just in case I ever returned. If I were a full-fledged goddess-or if we'd hung on to Zeus' power-it'd be no problem, but...well, you know."

"Ancient wisdom: It is the gold in the other man's pocket that is the most valuable," Zhixin said sagely.

Vanessa groaned. "Seriously? Can't you just say 'The grass is always greener'?"

"Grass is always greener when you're a god!" Eris snapped. "I've never once wished I was mortal!"

Zhixin nodded. "Exactly. It is not mortality that Eris desires, but possessions we do not have; namely the divine power currently in the possession of the Chans. Also," he continued with a snide smirk, "I think Lady Eris would appreciate the effort to find entirely new ways to dispense old information."

"I thought it was 'ancient wisdom'." Vanessa said with a smirk.

"If I said it in every sentence, I'd sound like an idiot," Zhixin snapped back. "And don't you dare finish that thought!" he growled, turning to Kasahara, who quickly closed his mouth.

"Okay, alright, break it up people," Eris groaned. "You can pick this up never. Now, let's out of here...but first, to make up for having to behave myself on the plane…" Eris smirked and bent over. She retched a couple of times, then vomited up a large mischief of brown rats. Smirking and reveling in the screams of mortals, she swept her minions into her arms and teleported them all away, leaving only a graffiti apple behind.

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

At the same time, the Chans, along with Captain Black, and Prometheus, were approaching Greece's tallest mountain in their own way. A trained Section 13 pilot had taken them across the Atlantic in one of the organization's helicopters, and they were now staring up at what legend told was the domain of the gods.

"So this is where the gods lived, huh?" Jade shouted over the roar of the propeller. She cast her eyes over the mountain. "Can't say I see the appeal!"

"Show some respect!" Prometheus snapped as they rose steadily higher. "In the old days, mortals could only dream of traversing such heights, let alone flying!"

"And, thanks to you, we've progressed!" Jackie cut in, stepping between them. Jade and Prometheus had been sniping at each other the entire trip, and it was making the entire crew uncomfortable.

"Mr. Prometheus," Tohru asked, "what exactly is the plan once we reach the top?"

"Hmph," Prometheus muttered. "No patience anymore. I'll tell you when we get there, and not a minute before!"

"Well, looks like we won't have that long to wait," Captain Black said, pointing towards the window. Indeed, the peak of Mount Olympus was now clearly in view, and getting closer every second."

"Perfect!" Prometheus said, smiling. "Tell the pilot he needs to get higher! We need to be about...a hundred and fifty feet above the peak before we can start!"

"Wait, we're not landing?" Tohru asked. "But don't you need to do a spell of some kind?"

"Already done," Prometheus grinned as he lifted a small pouch out of his jacket. "I was able to premix the spell ingredients before we left. Once we open this packet, we'll have a portal to the _real_ Olympus right there."

"Then why drag Uncle all the day to Greece?!" Uncle snapped. "Helicopters very bad for Uncle's health!"

"Because," Prometheus explained, visibly restraining his frustration, "the spell only works near the actual mountain."

"And we're not landing, why?" Jade asked, glaring at Prometheus.

"Simply put? I'm not stupid," Prometheus muttered. "By now, there's a pretty good chance that Eris and her cronies are already at the top and trying to break in on their own. By coming up here, we can avoid that _and_ get a headstart thanks to using a personal portal."

"Okay, fine," Jade sighed. "So, where do we need to open the pouch?"

"Right here!" the Titan of Forethought announced. "Roll when you land!"

With that, he shoved the pouch into Jade's hands and pushed her out of the hatch. She let out an extended scream as she plummeted down.

"Are you crazy?!" Jackie demanded. He snatched a parachute and threw himself after Jade. The wind roared in his ears as he freefell, the parachute slipping from his grasp. He managed to hook it with his foot as he caught up to Jade, who smiled at him, rolled her eyes, and pulled the ripcord of what Jackie had thought was a backpack. Jackie's eyes bulged as her chute opened, becoming smaller and smaller in his view. Panicking, he seized his own chute and opened it, managing to drift to safety just fifteen feet or so from the peak.

Before they could descend further, Jade quickly untied the knots holding the pouch together and dropped it. The instant she did, the pouch exploded into a massive portal, one that glowed a bright red and with edges that moved like living flame. Jackie and Jade had just enough time to glance up to see Uncle, Tohru, Captain Black, and Prometheus following them, the latter carrying them in a sphere of flames, before they sank into the portal.

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"Seriously, what were you _thinking_ back there?!" Captain Black demanded, glaring at Prometheus. After falling through the portal, the team had landed in what appeared to be a plainly decorated marble antechamber, empty but for a once-beautiful carpet leading up to a set of large bronze doors. The carpet looked like it had been dragged through a warzone; its colors were badly faded and its surface was covered in tears and burns. The team were all arrayed in a line in front of Prometheus, staring the Titan down.

"Uncle's heart nearly stopped beating!" Uncle snapped. He was actually baring his teeth at the Titan, although the more concerning thing was the death stare Tohru was giving Prometheus from behind Jade's back. "You want dead Uncle? No? THEN DO NOT SCARE UNCLE LIKE THAT AGAIN!"

"You need to be prepared for anything!" Prometheus snapped back. "We are dealing with the goddess of chaos! Insanity! Unpredictability! She could throw literally anything at you, and you'd have no way to defend against it! I thought this would be a good time to teach you to expect the unexpected!"

"Okay, fine, I get that, but there are better ways to do it! Even if you knew Jade had a parachute, you still shouldn't have put her life in danger like that!" Jackie said firmly.

"Oh right, she did have a parachute, didn't she…" Prometheus muttered, before holding up his hands in defense. "Kidding! I'm the Titan of Foresight! I predict outcomes! I wouldn't have put her in _real_ danger!"

"That's still no reason to be so cavalier about it," Jackie replied. "Just because you can predict the future doesn't mean you have the right to do things without telling us, _especially_ things that could be nearly fatal!"

"Ugh, alright," Prometheus groaned. "I'll be more 'considerate' next time. Anything to add?" he asked, looking at Jade.

"Tch. Yeah, just one thing. Pull a stunt like that again, and I'm letting Big T loose," she said, making a gesture over her shoulder at Tohru, who was cracking his knuckles.

"Fine, fine," Prometheus sighed. "But now is not the time to show discord or division. We're here for a reason, after all. And do you remember what that reason is?"

"It's not exactly rocket science," Captain Black said. "We're here to talk Hestia into helping us on our mission."

"Yes," Prometheus confirmed. "And our success rides on this. Hestia was integral the first time we sealed these powers. She knows just as much Greek magic as me, possibly more. And, sad to say, her loyalty, though nearly unshakeable once won, is hard to get these days. But I'll tell you this: Hestia is big on family and community. She'll have more faith in you if she sees you as the happy family I know you are."

Jade was clearly about to make another comment, but Jackie stepped forward. "We understand," he said. "In fact, I'd say that your little...incident might have helped reaffirm that, not that that excuses what you did!" he quickly added.

"Good to hear," Prometheus said, seemingly ignoring the last part of Jackie's sentence. "Plus, having me here will be a great help. Hestia and I were very close back in the old days; seeing her old friend'll do wonders to her temperament."

"You sure? Didn't she hide out here because she wasn't happy with how you ended up handling things?" Jade asked.

"The past is past, and it needed to be done!" Prometheus snapped. "She understood that then, and it'll still be true now. But no more dawdling. We have no idea how close Eris is to overcoming the defenses."

"Can't you just predict it?" Jade asked with a smirk as Tohru stepped forward and began pushing the doors open.

"Don't be a smart aleck," Prometheus snapped. "I can't predict what I don't know, and Eris is _exceptionally_ good at coming up with random nonsense that somehow works out for her. I shudder to think of how she's been getting through my traps."

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"Okay, so let me get this straight," Vanessa said, pinching the bridge of her nose. "You saw that this entire hallway was lined with magical poison dispensers, which would have inflicted at least fifteen different painful deaths on us and severely incapacitated you if they were triggered."

"Yep!" Eris said perkily. "One thing I have to agree with Prometheus on; when it comes to killing people, there's no such thing as overdoing it!"

"Right," Vanessa said neutrally. "And so, you decided to use your godly powers to stop the trap before we could set it off."

"Least I could do!" Eris chirped. "I mean, not just because I like you guys, but because this is literally the only way to go to get what I want."

"Fair enough," Vanessa said. "But you lost me when your solution was to turn the poison dispensers into-"

"Pause for a sec," Eris said, putting a finger near Vanessa's mouth. Turning her head, she shouted, "How's it going over there?!"

"It'd be going easier if a certain someone wasn't eating when he should be slicing!" Zhixin growled as he sent an orb of energy through the densely packed cotton candy that had burst out from the dispensers, completely filling the hallway.

"This food was provided by our leader and master!" Kasahara argued, sitting in perfect _seiza_ posture next to the monk as he delicately placed a piece into his mouth with his chopsticks. "It would be a sign of great disrespect not to partake!"

"Then at least turn into an elephant or something that can eat more at once!" Zhixin snapped.

"I cannot eat when I transform my head, you fool!" Kasahara snapped back. "And even if I could, you dare suggest that I abandon my dignity? Never!"

"Ancient wisdom: The stag prizes his antlers, but his legs are the greater gift," Zhixin said snidely.

"Again with the 'ancient wisdom'!" Kasahara growled. "How is anyone supposed to understand your teachings if you insist on hiding them in nonsensical metaphors?"

As he and Kasahara continued to argue, Eris turned back to Vanessa and shrugged. "Well, what're you gonna do?" she asked.

"Hire new coworkers," Vanessa muttered under her breath.

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"So where exactly are we going?" Jackie asked. The doors had led them into a maze of marble hallways, darkened and dusty, where they had been walking for the past several minutes.

"The Throne Room," Prometheus replied, his eyes fixed straight ahead. "The meeting ground for the Olympians and the place where the Sacred Hearth burns. It'll be the best place to try to reach Hestia."

"And how do you know the way to get there?" Tohru asked. "I can feel the magic hidden in these walls; they have been trying to mislead us since we started."

"Hmph," Uncle muttered under his breath. "Tell your apprentice he graduated and suddenly he's the greatest master there ever was."

"I helped design this place," Prometheus said over his shoulder. "After I urged the gods to set up base here during the Titanomachy, I drew up plans for their palace. And did they ever once give me any credit? Say, 'Thank you for the brilliant design'? Of course not! They let those lumbering one-eyed oafs take all the praise!"

"Well, I remember reading that the Cyclopes were master craftsmen," Jackie said thoughtfully. "Maybe they were thinking more about honoring their work and making up for their imprisonment."

"You're much too innocent, Chan," Prometheus grumbled. "When you have the powers of a god, even an act of kindness can be perverted. Now, we should reach the Throne Room any minute now. Do you have our offering?"

Tohru nodded and held up a bag containing two bottles and a wrapped package. "Sweet wine, olive oil, and bread dipped in honey, all as requested."

"Good," Prometheus said with a nod. "The food and drink of the mortals; perfect for reaching the Goddess of the Hearth."

"So what'll we have to do while you're working your magic?" Captain Black asked.

"Watch quietly and act happy," Prometheus replied snappily. "This is far above all of your levels; any of you interfering could have drastic consequences."

"How drastic are we talking here?" Jade asked.

"Well, given that failure will unbind the Hearth and allow centuries of sacred flame the freedom to fill and burn down this entire palace, I'd say pretty drastic," Prometheus said. Ignoring the pale looks on his companions' faces, he looked around for a few second before smiling. "There we are!" he said, pointing towards another set of doors, these ones pure gold, each bearing a carved omega symbol.

As the group walked up to it, Prometheus clicked his tongue. "She always hated these doors," he clucked, looking it over. "Said it was an 'eyesore' and a 'waste'. She was never one for opulence; not like her family, who revelled in excess," he continued with a smile. "She really was something else."

He stood there staring at the door for another few seconds before a light cough from Jackie brought him back to reality. Shaking his head as if to clear it, Prometheus placed a hand on each door and, with a single push, sent them flying open. The five humans let out a gasp. This room was nearly the size of a football stadium, carved out of what had to be an entire cavern's worth of marble. There was an enormous U-shaped table, lined with twelve enormous thrones, each one different, each tailored for what was clearly a different god's tastes. Behind that, stadium seating seemed to go on forever, similar to the layout of the United Nations, each with a smaller, but still customized, throne. Every wall was lined with elegant, detailed tapestries and frescoes of the gods' proudest moments, from the founding of the Olympian Council to their proudest inventions and victories.

In spite of this grandiosity, the room was dark and quiet. A clear inch of dust had settled over everything, and the marble was cracked, scratched, and marred. Many of the intricate carvings lining the walls of the room had fallen apart. The tapestries were frayed and faded, with some bearing giant tears right through the middle, and the frescoes were all chipped and stained. As big as the room was, the damage made it feel small, cold, and empty. The only sign of life was the burning hearth that the table was positioned around. It was a moderately sized fire, a bright red and orange, that burnt atop a small coal pit, encircled by thin bronze strips welded together to create a fence.

Jackie and the others looked around, taking the room in. "So, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this is the Throne Room," Captain Black said.

Prometheus nodded. "That it is. And that fire there is the Sacred Hearth. It is the birthplace of humanity's intelligence, the home of the very fires of creativity that let mortals reach their fullest potential, and the place where the heart of every home emanates."

"And I'm guessing it's good for roasting marshmallows," Jade commented.

"One bite of a marshmallow roasted on this flame and your mind would shatter," Prometheus growled. "Now, I need to get started. Wizard Tohru, please hand me the offerings."

As Uncle scoffed, Tohru dutifully handed Prometheus the bag. As the Titan set its contents upon the ground, the Hearth seemed to brighten slightly, the glow only increasing as Prometheus unwrapped the honey-soaked bread and dipped it first in the olive oil, then in the wine.

"Oh Goddess of Hearth and Home," he chanted as the Chans and Captain Black moved back towards the doors, "I, Prometheus, beseech you as your ancient ally to return to this plane. I offer you the food and drink of the mortal world," he continued as he held aloft the bread, "to remind you of what is at stake. From within the Hearth, you have seen all, and you surely know our need is great. Now, Divine Hestia, please appear before us, so that we may once more rid the world of the menace of the Olympians!"

With a flick of his wrist, Prometheus tossed the bread into the fire pit, where it instantly dissolved into yet more fire. For a few moments, he sat in front of the Hearth, eyes closed, patiently waiting. Then, suddenly, his eyes snapped open as the Hearth's flame started to quiver.

"She's coming!" he shouted, quickly getting to his feet. "Remember, look happy and unified! Hestia loves to see that!"

Jackie and the group stepped forward, most of them plastering on obviously fake smiles. Jade and Captain Black were the only ones whose expressions looked in any way natural, and it was more of a sculpted naturality than anything else. But as Prometheus was about to complain, the flames of the Hearth suddenly shot upward, scorching the ceiling and filling the room with a wave of heat.

"Hold steady!" Prometheus said as the group began to recoil. "She'll be here soon!"

And indeed, in front of the Hearth, stray sparks and offshoots of flame were building into a feminine figure, one which grew more and more defined with each passing second. She appeared to be shorter than average, and seated in a lotus position hovering right above where Prometheus had been sitting. But soon enough, the flames drifted away, revealing the goddess in all of her glory...such as it was.

The woman was, naturally, beautiful, with smooth olive skin, a sloping nose, and wavy, milk chocolate-colored hair. But her attire and expression were more restrained. She wore a loose brown dress that hid her figure, and a matching shawl over her hair that currently covered her eyes. As she descended to the floor and stood up, it became clear that she was only about five and a half feet tall, if even that. Still, she had an aura of majesty about her that no one could deny, especially not Captain Black. The man was staring at her with his jaw agape and his eyes aglow, much to Prometheus's frustration. "For Gaia's sake," he muttered, elbowing Black in the stomach. "Better leave the talking to me."

As the group watched, Prometheus stepped forward, smiling at Hestia. "It is so good to see you again, my dearest Hestia. Now come, let us-" was all he had time to say before Hestia's hand flew up and slapped Prometheus across the face. The blow was so hard that it knocked him straight into the wall, knocking a tapestry to the floor and shattering an ornate fresco.

"Shut up you miserable, misbegotten, murderous trickster!" she snarled, lifting her shawl just enough to reveal a pair of burning red eyes. Her musical voice sounded like it would have been quite pleasant if not for the incredible rage.

As Jackie and the group watched, their jaws agape, Hestia quickly turned her head towards them and smiled. "Sorry about all this drama," she said sweetly. "But Prometheus and I have some unfinished business to take care of before I do _anything_ else."

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

Vanessa, Zhixin, and Kasahara stumbled through the ivory double doors and gasped for breath, the final booby traps hopefully behind them. The new room was a cathedral-sized antechamber, with dozens of doors all around.

"Oh come on," Eris complained, walking calmly out behind them. "It wasn't _that_ bad."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I guess next time I'll know better than to run for my life when a horde of monsters come pouring out of the horn gate you were _sure_ was the way to get in!" Vanessa snapped.

"Hey, it's been a long few centuries!" Eris snapped. "I can't help forgetting some of my traps. Although now that I remember this one, I'm really proud of it," she continued, talking to herself. "I mean, play on the idea of the Dream Gates and have the supposedly 'true' option be the trap? Ingenious. And I told you, they can only catch you if you run! They're only illusions, and if you had faced them head-on-"

"Ancient wisdom," Zhixin panted. "Only the fool stares down the charging ox."

"Ugh, whatever," Eris groaned. "Anyway, now there's only one challenge left; we have to answer Patches' riddle. Should be easy; we played this game a lot back in the day."

She cast her eyes forward, only for them to fall upon a pile of bones on the floor. They were terribly mismatched; the skull was that of a water buffalo, but other bones hinted at fish, duck, eagle, and monkey. "Oh, Patches!" she wailed. She ran over to them and grabbed the skull. "Oh, my precious little baby!"

"Olympus's final defense was your pet?" Vanessa asked.

"It was the perfect defense!" Eris cried, hugging the skull to her chest. "And she was more than a pet! The _eagle_ was my pet! Patches was my best friend! She was just like me; wild, fun, a little crazy, plus she was brilliant! She knew more riddles and puzzles than any old Sphinx!"

"And so that's why you put her here," Kasahara mused. "Not only was she exceptional at her job, but putting her here gave her, and by extension you, a higher position of power."

"Basically," Eris said as she dried her eyes. "Besides, she liked it. Sure, most of the time it was boring, but when unwanted immortals came around, boy could she have some fun! Imagine Ares trying to solve a riddle! The oaf was locked in here for three days trying to figure it out!"

"Okay, yes, you two had a lot of good times," Vanessa said, cutting off Eris's extended monologue. "But if there's no guardian, then do we just walk in?"

Eris sighed. "Yeah, we can. We're in the clear. Anyhoo, this one's our first stop," she said, pointing to a door marked with an image of crossed torches. "Auntie Hecate's room. The most important thing of all is in there. Now, Kasahara, I'm going to need you to open it from within."

Kasahara raised an eyebrow. "Me?"

"Is there another Kasahara here? Yes, you! You're the only one who can slide under the door. I may have been Auntie Hecate's favorite, but even I couldn't enter her room uninvited. Now flatten yourself before I do it for you!"

Kasahara sighed and returned to his paper samurai form, then, very carefully, unfolded himself bit by bit, extending his feet under the door and sliding inside until he was out of sight.

"Oh," Eris added, snapping a finger, "I almost forgot: Watch out for her security system!"

Seconds later there was a loud explosion. The door lightly swung open, and Kasahara collapsed into the hall, his handsome purple kimono now badly scorched and his angular, pinched face scratched and bleeding.

"My word," Vanessa remarked. "What was in there?"

"I don't want to talk about it," Kasahara grunted, climbing to his feet. Eris looked him over, tenderly wiped his face with the side of her toga, and then shoved him aside and walked in.

A tear came to the Goddess of Discord's eye as she gazed around her favorite aunt's room. Once this place had been glorious, a beautiful, macabre shrine to the arcane arts. It used to hold magic talismans, black marble sculptures of hellhounds, silver candelabras, and thousands of books of spells handwritten by the Goddess of Magic herself. Now, it had been pillaged and long since abandoned. The talismans and candelabras had been stolen, a few hardened wax spots on the tables the only signs that the latter were ever there. The statues had been smashed to bits, and the bookshelves were bare, save for scorch marks that Eris recognized as Hecate's very own fire-a sure sign that her aunt had gone down fighting, and destroyed her secrets when all hope was lost. A clear inch of dust coated every surface, and her mattress had been torn open, with black goose down scattered everywhere.

More moisture welled up in Eris' mismatched eyes, and she absently brushed some of her tangled, multicolored hair into her face to hide it. Her henchmen said nothing, simply waiting for her to make a move.

"I haven't been in here since before...before everything," the goddess choked.

"Ancient wisdom," Zhixin said solemnly, "it is easy to make a journey, but impossible to truly return."

Eris rolled her eyes and backhanded him, sending him flying into Vanessa, his face landing in a very unfortunate spot, earning him another slap from the relic hunter. "Are you sure what you want is here?" Vanessa asked, staring at the room. "It looks like everything useful is long gone."

"Appearances can be deceiving," Eris said, regaining her smirk. She stepped forward, the movement (the room's first in centuries) sweeping aside dust and feathers. She stood in the center of the room and laced her fingers, then began chanting in her ancient tongue.

" _Krymméno vivlío Magic, apokalýpste ton eaftó sas ston pragmatikó sas idioktíti. Krymméno vivlío Magic, apokalýpste ton eaftó sas ston pragmatikó sas idioktíti."_

In a flash of light, a small object appeared on the desk. It was a scroll made of black sheepskin, the sides made of polished ebony. Smiling her lopsided grin, Eris picked it up and opened it, revealing the golden ink writing within.

"What is it?" Kasahara asked, staring at the scroll but unable to read the bizarre language within.

"My key to power," Eris replied. Suddenly, she shuddered. "Hm...I'm feeling some _very_ familiar energies active in here. So, after we pick up some odds and ends, we're going to attend a little...family reunion."

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"And don't even get me started on the fennel!" Hestia snapped at Prometheus, who had since extracted himself from the wall and was staring at Hestia, his mouth agape. The Chans and allies were equally perplexed, having listened to Hestia rant at the Titan for nearly five minutes without pausing for breath.

"You made this entire palace smell like burning licorice for a month! Do you _know_ how badly that stinks?" she asked, at which point Jackie coughed lightly. The goddess turned to him and glared. "What?" she said quietly.

Jackie gulped loudly, but forced a wide smile. "Well, uh, miss...goddess," he said before gulping again, sweating profusely.

"We came here to ask for your help," Tohru interjected, bowing low. The others followed his lead-even Uncle, who groaned as his back cracked. "For you see, Eris and the powers of the Olympians-"

"Have been released, I know," Hestia said, sighing. "I saw it myself."

"Wait, you did? How?" Jade asked. "I don't remember seeing a fireplace down there."

"There was a furnace. Same difference, really. I've kept up with the times," she replied, rolling her eyes. "Could hardly maintain my position if I didn't."

"Wait, but then why-?" Captain Black began, only for Hestia to put up a hand.

"If you don't mind, could we hold off on the questions for now?" she asked. Her expression softened, and her eyes shifted from burning red to a harmless, deep brown. "I was so wrapped up in dealing with Prometheus that I completely forgot my manners. Welcome to Olympus, once home of the gods. Would you care for anything to eat? I just baked some pomegranate muffins," she continued, before reaching into thin air and pulling out a basket filled with steaming muffins.

They looked absolutely perfect, the golden brown of the dough perfectly offset by the bright red pomegranate seeds, and the rich scent emanating from them soon filled the room. As the group looked at them, their mouths almost involuntarily began to water. Mustering his willpower, Jackie said, "Oh, we couldn't possibly impose," all while staring at the basket with hunger in his eyes.

Hestia chuckled. "It's no trouble at all," she said. "Just part of my duty as a hostess." With a snap of her fingers, the muffins were engulfed in bright red flames, flames which leapt from the basket and into the hands of everyone but Prometheus. The second the flames reached their destination, they faded away, leaving behind a perfectly unburnt and still piping-hot muffin, whereupon everyone began to dig in.

"...Really?" Prometheus muttered. "I can't even have a snack?"

Hestia turned to glare at him. "Why so surprised?" she asked snidely. "I seem to remember you telling me that you're never shocked by anything."

"Emotions are just plain unpredictable," Prometheus growled. "And you'd be better off doing like me-putting the past behind you."

Hestia's eyes started to glow, as did the basket in her hands. "Oh, I see. You were expecting me to drop everything and help you fix this situation, just like the last time. You were _so_ sure of yourself, weren't you? Bringing your new 'allies' here and expecting me to come running into your arms, no questions asked? Well, maybe _you_ could benefit from a little history lesson!"

With another snap of her fingers, the basket dissolved into fire, which separated into three balls of flame and began orbiting Hestia's hand. "Thrice I have helped you, Prometheus. Thrice have I trusted you with the fate of mankind. And how have I been repaid?"

"Um, little help here?" Prometheus asked, slowly backing into a corner. The rest of the group just kept on eating, genuine expressions of delight on their faces as they moved away from the feuding deities.

"These are fantastic," Captain Black commented. "Do I detect a hint of lavender?"

"I'll never tell," Hestia said with a wink, her eyes flashing to brown for a brief second before turning back to Prometheus, her skin and hair beginning to glow like coals.

"But _you!_ First, I helped you trick Zeus into letting mortals have the best parts of the animal! I convinced him that you were tricking him twice over, and I ended up eating nothing but bones, fat, and hooves!" she snapped, sending her first fireball flying at Prometheus's head.

"Now hold on. I didn't tell you to-" Prometheus began, before dodging another fireball.

As the Titan just barely dodged out of the way, she continued, "Second, I let you take the flames of my hearth to bestow the mortals with creativity! And in exchange, I not only lose the respect of my family, but find myself relegated to a mere _afterthought_!"

"Well, I told you that things would never be the same!" the Titan sneered, only for Hestia to toss another burning projectile.

" _Third!_ I _still_ chose to become humanity's voice in the Olympian Council, defending them even as they began turning against us! I had to deal with the scorn and mockery of my own family and became a pariah in my own home! And for my pains, my caring, how was did you, champion of the mortals, repay me?" Hestia growled.

Before Prometheus could even open his mouth, the next fireball collided with his chest, knocking him over.

"You kill my _entire family_!" Hestia screamed, her body now glowing with incandescent flame. "We made that plan to save humanity, not to obliterate the Olympians! Their savagery was unnecessary, and _you_ were the one who pushed them to it!"

"Of course I pushed them to it!" Prometheus snapped, standing up and brushing the flames and ashes off of his chest. As he did, his jacket began to disintegrate, breaking apart with every brush. Underneath, the right side of his abdomen was visibly scarred and sunken in, covered with a lurid spectacle of beak marks stained with blood. Around each of his wrists was a thick ring of bruised muscle. "The Olympians needed to be stopped! We had no guarantee they'd _stay_ powerless, and then we'd be right back to square one! Desperate times-"

"Don't you _dare_ finish that sentence!" Hestia interrupted. "Murder never solves anything! It just leaves behind broken hearts and a drive for revenge."

"You weren't taking that tone in the Titanomachy!" Prometheus shot back. "You fought right alongside your brethren; only then _I_ was the traitor!"

"You really _do_ have a faulty memory, don't you? I objected to that war every step of the way, but I fought to protect my siblings. And _who_ convinced the gods to trust you?"

"Me! I handed over Atlas' battle strategies and found them the perfect base of operations!"

"And they were suspicious of everything you did! It was _me_ who convinced them to give you a chance! And look where that got us!"

"You're still alive, aren't you? Not rotting in Tartarus, correct? You should be thanking me!"

At that, the flames covering Hestia went out. "'Thank you'?" she asked quietly. "Yes, I suppose I should thank you, Prometheus. You led the slaughter of my family, proved that I was a fool for trusting you all those millennia ago, and abandoned me to my grief because you saw it as pointless. So, yes, I will thank you for showing me the truth I was too blind to see before!" she continued, her voice rising with every word.

"And that is?" Prometheus asked snidely.

"That you care about nothing but yourself!" Hestia screamed, the flames igniting again. " _Your_ achievements, _your_ revenge, it all comes right back to you! And frankly, I'd sooner help Eris reclaim our family's birthright than let you manipulate me one more Gaia-damned time! Now take your mortals and _**get out of my palace**_!" she snapped, pointing right back towards the doors.

For a few moments, no one spoke. The Chans and allies looked at each other in shock, unsure what to say next. Hestia was panting and trembling with rage, each breath emerging as a cloud of sparks from her mouth. Prometheus was also shaking, his face turning a bright red, his hands starting to smolder. But before he could do anything more than open his mouth, a familiar voice filled the chamber.

"Wow, Auntie! Wish you'd told me that earlier! Would have saved me a _lot_ of trouble," said Eris as she and her henchmen strode into the room, walking through an entranceway near the spectator seating. All four of them were hefting a wooden trunk each, but while the three mortals were straining to hold up the weight, Eris had placed hers on a rainbow-colored cloud, dragging it along like a pet with its lead.

"Chan!" Vanessa snapped. She, Zhixin, and Kasahara snapped into battle stances, but Eris held an arm out in front of them.

"Not here," she warned. "The hearth is a place of truce."

Hestia let out an exasperated sigh. "Hello, Eris, dear," she said half-heartedly. "I suppose I should've guessed you'd come here soon. Make it through your imprisonment alright?"

"Yes, no thanks to you! I suppose you've spent all this time by the hearth, watching mortals? Would explain why you left your only living family to rot for centuries."

Hestia frowned, but didn't say anything.

"Whatever," Eris said, flippantly waving her hand. "Water under the bridge. That is, if you were telling the truth a minute ago."

"No, please!" Jackie cried. "We need you to come back to Section 13!"

Eris turned to her henchmen, confused. "What's Section 13?" she whispered.

"Some government organization Chan's been working for," Vanessa told her. "They're quite a nuisance for people like us."

"And where is it?"

"Somewhere in San Francisco," Kasahara said with a shrug.

"Ah…." the goddess of discord said, before turning back to Hestia. "Please, Auntie dear, I only want to reunite what's left of our family; to right what went wrong. Surely you can respect that?"

Hestia sighed again, her eyes returning to their regular brown. "Of course I can," she said. "But tell me, what happens to humanity in this scenario? You recover the powers, and then what? Wipe them all out anyway?"

"What, you still care about them?!" Eris scoffed. "You said it yourself! They slaughtered the entire Pantheon like we were monsters! Not just the top brass either! The Muses! Ariadne! Even Hedone! Deities who'd never hurt a mortal in their life or had even _been_ mortal once! How can you even compare those miserable masses to everything we've lost?! They are a scourge!"

"No, the humans who slew our family were a scourge," Hestia retorted. "Were I to blame all of humanity for the sins of those ancient foes, I would be no better than them. Grief cannot be weighed against grief; there is no winner when competing over tragedies."

Eris rolled her eyes. "Oh, there you go again with your little speeches!" she snapped. "That's what we all hated about you! You were always sickly nice or acting like you always had all the answers! You were finally showing a little bit of emotion, but suddenly Eris shows up, and it's right back to teacher mode!"

"Would you prefer I rant and rave like a madwoman, or spin my words like that snake Prometheus?" Hestia replied, ignoring Prometheus's squak of outrage. "Maybe I restrain myself because almost every time I've seen a relative feel something deeply, someone ended up cursed, dead, or both! The hostess may be a mask, the prophetess may be a disguise, but at least neither will turn a man into a tree just for making a careless remark!"

"Wait, Hestia was faking the hospitality stuff?" Jade whispered. "How's that supposed to work?"

"'Fake' is the wrong word," Captain Black replied solemnly. "I've seen things like this before. She must have been so angry to see Prometheus here that she dove into a role just to keep from lashing out. Granted, I've never seen it on a godly scale, but the psychology seems to be similar."

"Don't try to understand the minds of immortals," Prometheus warned, having since crept back to rejoin the group, as well as conjure a new jacket. "It never goes well. They don't like to be compared to mortals."

"Tch, you _would_ say that, wouldn't you?" Jade sneered.

Uncle growled, and finally stepped forward. In rapid succession, he delivered two-fingered strikes to Eris, Prometheus, and Hestia. "Enough!" he shouted. He then pointed to each of these deities in succession. "Eris needs to back off! Prometheus should have _told_ Uncle that Hestia was angry! And Hestia must help us before world ends! One more thing!" he continued, striking Captain Black as well. "Why are you not arresting thieves?!"

Captain Black opened his mouth to say something when he was interrupted by a snort of laughter coming from Eris. "Oh, I like you," she chuckled, rubbing her head where she had been hit. "You're fun. When I rewrite the universe, I'm keeping you in a terrarium."

Before anyone else could react, Jackie stepped in. "Please, Miss Hestia," he said, "we beg you. You're the only one who can protect us on our mission. You have always been a friend to mankind, a pillar of family and community. Surely you know in your heart what's right."

"Oh, don't be such a bleeding heart, Chan!" Vanessa snapped.

"Ancient wisdom," Zhixin added. "Though the mountain may stand strong, all things shall weather away."

"Now hang on a second. He's got a point. Hestia _should_ trust in her heart," Eris said.

"Huh?" Jackie responded, his tone one of complete shock. "Really?"

"Absolutely! After all," Eris continued with a grin, "Hestia prizes family above all other things. Even the fate of your little species." Turning to Hestia, she said, "Our family is dead because these creatures, a death from which there's no coming back. They're gone, forever. And so, as the foundation of Olympus, I ask you, Auntie, no, _Goddess_ Hestia, to aid me in righting this ancient wrong." As she spoke, she knelt before Hestia, bowing her head in supplication. At her urging, her henchmen followed suit. "Please. I'm no longer at my full power. I need you. I need family by my side once more."

Prometheus glared at the Chans and knelt down as well. "Hestia, you know Eris has become twisted with time. I will admit that what had been done before was wrong, but it does not change that fact. If Eris has her way, humanity will be wiped from the earth, and I know you could never be party to such an act. Help _us_ , and know that you will truly save mankind. For good this time."

Hestia drew herself to her full height, staring at both sides. "I don't see why I should help anybody," she said, her voice rigid. "Both of your groups are tainted with the bitterness of ages. Frankly, I see no reason not to just leave you to your squabbles; the world will be destroyed either way."

"Come on!" Jade begged. "We haven't done anything wrong here! Throw us a bone! At least let us _prove_ we're doing the right thing!"

Before Hestia could respond, however, Eris's head suddenly shot up-literally, off of her neck, tumbling through the air. Her eyes glowed gold as a magical mist flew out of her neck. "Ugh, this is so embarrassing," she complained. "Decapitation during my first family reunion in eons!"

"A new power is activating!" Kasahara exclaimed.

"And in other news, the sky is blue," Eris snarked as her head landed back on her neck. "Seriously, what is it with you people stating the obvious all the time?" Adjusting her head's position with her hands, Eris glared at the cloud of mist. "Well, do your thing," she muttered.

The mist spun in the air before coalescing into a singular image; that of a woman in armor. Her hair, long and brown, tumbled down from her helmet, and her gray eyes seemed to stare straight through the onlookers, highlighting her sharply beautiful features. In one hand she held a spear, while the other held a handful of olives. To complete the image, an owl was perched on her shoulder.

"It's the power of Athena!" Jackie gasped.

"Figures she'd activate the day after Zeus," Eris muttered. "Daddy's little kiss-up." Se then yelped as a burst of fire shot right past her head.

"Watch your manners, young lady," Hestia snapped, glaring at her 'niece'. "I will not have our family disrespected here, even by you."

"Where is the power?" Kasahara asked, pointedly looking away from his annoyed employer and focusing on the figure of the goddess.

Eris rolled her eyes and swirled the mist with her hand. The image shifted, displaying a map of Scandinavia, zooming in on the east side of the peninsula.

"Stockholm," Jackie reported as the city came into view.

"Thank you," Eris said sincerely, which made Jackie wince. "And the lucky vessel is…"

She swirled the mist once more, and a picture of a Viking longboat came into view. Rather than floating on the water, it was displayed in what had to be a museum, one with various Viking relics and hardwood floors.

"A _boat_?" Hestia said, an incredulous expression on her face. "Surely not. After all she and Poseidon had been through, a boat would be the last place for her essence to hide."

"Look closer," Prometheus scoffed, pointing at the boat's side. Indeed, there seemed to be something covering it...

"It's lined with shields!" Tohru realized.

"Ugh, ring of eagles, wall of shields," Eris groaned. "If I have to dig through a shoe store to get Hermes back, I'm gonna lose it. Welp, time to get moving."

"She's right," Jackie whispered with a grimace, leaning into Prometheus. "We can worry about Hestia later; keeping this power out of the hands of evil is more important."

"I strongly disagree," Prometheus grumbled. "Getting Hestia on our side is the most important thing. Eris getting a power makes are job harder, but doable. But if don't get Hestia or, worse, Eris gets her? We might as well give up."

"So what do _you_ suggest?" Jade asked. "Have us stay here and sweet talk your ex while Eris snags the shield?"

"Watch your tone, brat," Prometheus snarled, "and not exactly. _You_ go get Athena's power. _I'll_ stay here with Hestia."

"What?" Jackie yelped. "But-"

"I already set it up so that the portal will deposit you at the foot of the mountain," Prometheus said, "and your wizards know the spell to contain the object. Get in your helicopter, fly to Sweden and do your heroic nonsense while I get Hestia to see sense."

"How typical of you, Prometheus," came Hestia's voice, causing the Titan to jump. The goddess was standing right next to him, a frown on her face. "You really have no idea how to talk to people."

Prometheus, his entire body tense, opened his mouth as if to shout, but then stopped. As he looked at Hestia's face, the tension flowed out of his body along with a sigh. "I deserved that," he said.

Now Hestia was the one to look surprised. "Excuse me?"

"I said I deserved that," Prometheus grumbled. "I honestly deserve a lot more for what I've put you through today, let alone the past centuries. Not to mention how I've been treating these mortals," he added, prompting Eris to roll her eyes.

"Oh come on, seriously? After I just got through a whole speech about masks and junk, _now_ you're trying to fake sincerity?" she snarked.

"I'm not faking," Prometheus growled, glaring at Eris. "I still think Hestia would be mad to choose anything other than helping us. I still have doubts about these mortals. But if I'm not willing to swallow my pride and at least _try_ to be…'nicer'," he said with a shudder, "then I'll be right where I was when I walked in. Call it self-serving, but at least it's honest."

"'Honest' my foot!" Eris snapped, swelling up one of her feet for emphasis. "You're still the same arrogant blowhard you were five minutes ago, and, what's more, you'll _never_ change! Take it from me-'change' is what I do."

"Well, foresight's not about standing still either, brat," Prometheus said. "It's about recognizing when something won't work and trying to change it. And if one attitude's failing me, I might as well try another."

Eris opened her mouth to respond when she was cut off by a sigh from Hestia. "Why did you have to actually _learn_ something over the years?" the goddess of the hearth muttered before saying, louder, "Alright, fine. You get another chance," to the Titan. As Prometheus grinned, she turned to Eris, who was glaring at her and continued, " _Both_ of you do. You two have earned that at least."

"Um, so is she on our side, or…?" Jade whispered to Jackie, who just shrugged his shoulders.

As Prometheus and Eris shot hateful looks back and forth, Hestia began to address the entire room. "I'll make this simple. Whichever group manages to control Athena's power first will have proven their competence, and therefore receive my aid."

"'Control'?" Captain Black asked. "What do you mean?"

"Exactly what it sounds like," Hestia said. "For Eris, it would be absorbing the power into herself. For Prometheus, it would be capturing the power using his spell. What matters is that the power is properly secured."

"Aw, come on, really?" Eris moaned. "Shouldn't I win if someone gets ahold of it?"

"Letting chaos take its toll is hardly a test of competence," Hestia replied. "And allowing Athena's remnants to possess an innocent is _not_ a means of controlling them."

"Fine, fine," Eris grumbled. "So, what? You're going to zap us to the shield now?"

"You wish," Hestia said with a smirk. "Reaching the shield is part of the test. However, I _will_ send you to the foot of the mountain. Best to have a fair starting ground, after all. Any questions?"

Uncle opened his mouth to answer, only for Hestia to talk right over him. "None? Good. See you in Stockholm!"

Before anyone could say another word, Hestia snapped her fingers, causing both groups to be engulfed in flames, which soon spread out to consume her as well. In a matter of moments, the Throne Room of Olympus was empty but for a section of dust charred to ash.

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PA2: And they were never heard from again. The end!

 _MP: Ha! So you_ are _able to crack a joke! And here I thought you were just born without a sense of humor._

PA2: Please, I'm not _that_ bad. Although I do have the compulsive need to mention how yes, we know these skits aren't really a traditional boke/tsukkomi routine, but I got tired of making "straight man" jokes so I went with another type of comedy.

 **GPQ: "Comedy". That's generous.**

 _MP: Oh, a critic!_

PA2: Not like anyone has to read this. Or does read it, probably.

 _MP: Disagree. They at least want to know the title of the next chapter. Speaking of-_

 **GPQ: "Agents of Athena's Shield" is up next! See you then!**


	4. Agents of Athena's Shield

_MP: You know, I've been thinking about this for a while, and I've finally figured out the voice cast you should read in your head. For Eris, I imagine E.G. Daily (the voice of Buttercup in the original Powerpuff Girls). Her scratchy, punk rocker-style voice fits Eris to a T. Prometheus is Michael Dorn (Worf from the Star Trek franchise, as well as I.M. Weasel-remember I Am Weasel?), which feels both commanding and knowledgeable. I'm still struggling to figure out which voice Hestia would be, but I'll know it when I find it. Anyway, Green Phantom Queen has been away for a while, working on improving herself outside of writing. We wish her the best._

PA2: We certainly do. That being said, let's just get right into it, shall we? Enjoy Chapter 4!

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 **Jackie Chan Adventures: Olympian Journey**

 **Chapter 4: Agents of Athena's Shield**

"Ugh, I _hate_ teleporting!" Jade groaned, leaning over and fighting to calm her stomach. When the flicker of flames had vanished, the Chans and their allies had been left right next to a tacky souvenir stand full of plush gods and toy swords, the base of the mountain visible behind them. As she straightened up, she looked at Prometheus and said, "So let's just get this out of the way. Is there something we're missing here? There's no way she'd bet her assistance on a race."

"I agree," Captain Black added as he tapped away at his phone. "She seems much too methodical to leave it to chance."

"You're probably right," Prometheus muttered, "but we need to go along with it anyway. Even if there's something more, the race is still part of the test, and we need to pass. She is literally one of the most powerful beings alive, and we need her on our side! So, regardless of what happens, I want you all on your best behavior!"

"Good luck," Jackie sighed. "Getting Jade to behave is a miracle beyond even the Olympians," he continued, before Jade kicked him in the shin. Jackie winced in pain before his eyes flew to Uncle, who had turned a sickly green.

"What's wrong, Unc?" Jade asked. "Got the willies again?"

Uncle shook his head. He opened his mouth, only to dry heave slightly. Trying again, he managed to choke out, "Teleportation magic _very_ bad for Uncle's digestion!"

Prometheus reached into his jacket and pulled out a jar of olives packed in their own oil. "Here," he said, handing it to Uncle. "Good for digestion and everything else."

"Where are Eris and the relic hunters?" Tohru asked quickly, pointedly looking away from his sensei's greedy gulps.

"Other side of the mountain, most likely," Prometheus replied as Uncle pocketed the jar. "But not for long. Black, get that chopper down here, and fast!"

"Already taken care of," Captain Black said, pointing upward at a slowly descending whirlybird. "Texted our location as soon as we got here. We should be ready in two minutes or less."

Indeed, the whirlybird landed right at the two minute mark, fully equipped and ready to fly. "So…" Captain Black said as they boarded. "Was it just me, or was Hestia sort of…"

"Black's got a cru-ush!" Jade laughed in a sing-song voice. Captain Black blushed.

"Don't even go there," Prometheus warned. "I don't need my powers of foresight to know that there's only heartache ahead."

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"I find these caricatures absolutely offensive," Eris snarled, staring at a souvenir stand identical to the one near the Chans. She picked up a stuffed Poseidon and tossed it aside. "Zhixin, get rid of this eyesore while I prepare our transport."

"With pleasure, Lady Eris," the old monk wheezed. He raised his hands, freshly marked with mystical runes-this time in permanent marker-and blasted the stand to smithereens, sending the few bystanders left after their sudden appearance running for their lives, albeit while recording the scene on their phones.

Meanwhile, Eris reached into the wooden trunk that levitated behind her and pulled out a small model of a chariot, crafted from bronze and ivory.

"What have you there?" Kasahara asked, staring.

"Our ride." With a grin, Eris bit her finger, smeared a few drops of golden ichor on the model, and then set it on the ground. As the relic hunters watched, the model glowed before beginning to expand rapidly. In a few moments, it had grown into a life-sized chariot, big enough for all four of them if they stood close. She proudly walked to the front of it, resting her hands on the horse harnesses. "This is my old chariot, designed by Athena, crafted by Hephaestus, and tricked out by yours truly. This is more than fast enough to keep up with one of your modern flying machines, and with the thrill of the open air."

"And...what exactly pulls it?" Vanessa asked. "I know you're the expert, but I'm pretty sure self-driving chariots weren't in the myths."

"Eh, they were in the works. But you're right. If we're going to get anywhere, I'm going to need my steeds," Eris said. Still smiling, she put two fingers to her mouth and let out a shrill, whinnying sound that left her henchmen covering their ears. Somehow it combined the sounds of thunder, a steam engine, and a laughing baby, and the sound was soon repeated. At first, it appeared to be merely an echo, until four blurry shapes began to shoot down from above. They were very large, and four-legged, with long faces like horses, but horses didn't have such long legs, or manes made of crackling electricity. Their bodies looked like they were made out of clouds, shifting and bending in response to the wind, and their hoofs left noticeable waterprints on the ground.

"Oh, my babies!" Eris said in a simpering voice as they drew closer, nuzzling her and causing her hair, already a rat's nest, to stand on end. She didn't seem to mind-in fact, she appeared to enjoy it, and ran her hands down their faces, gently stroking them. "Oh, that's right. Mommy's missed you, too. Yes, it's good to be back. I knew those wretched mortals wouldn't have thought to do away with _you_!"

Vanessa coughed lightly. "Pardon the interruption, boss, but if we could be introduced, maybe…?" she asked, wincing as she ran a hand through her pontytail. She and the others had backed away once the creatures arrived, but Vanessa's hair was straining against the ambient static, puffing up and threatening to burst.

"Oh, of course! Vanessa, Zhixin, Kasahara, these are Flurry, Squall, Sirocco, and Gale. If you haven't figured it out, they're _anemoi thuellai_ , or storm spirits. I bought them from Notus, the South Wind. He was always a blast-often literally. There was one time when-" she started before Vanessa snapped her fingers.

"Boss, how about we save the story for when we're in the air? We've got a lot of ground, er...sky to cover to get to where we're going, and we're losing time," she said.

"Can't a girl have a reunion?" Eris complained. She let out a sigh. "Oh, fine. But before we can take off, you have to earn their respect. You all have those mint leaves I gave you?"

The trio nodded, each pulling a few leaves out of their respective trunks. With some hesitation, the three enforcers approached the storm spirits, Zhixin and Kasahara each holding their hand flat. Vanessa, on the other hand, had both hands out, some leaves resting in each. The cloud horses approached, slowly at first, but then lowered their mouths and gobbled up the leaves. Afterwards, the remains were still visible, swirling inside of their torsos.

"Very nice," Eris commended. She lined up the storm spirits in front of the chariot and quickly strapped them in, then climbed onto the back. "Okay, everybody on, and hold on tight!"

Without hesitation, Eris' enforcers followed suit, yanking their trunks up along with them. Then, with a quick "Hyah!", the storm spirits leapt off of the ground and began racing through the air, taking the chariot, three frightened relic hunters, and a laughing Eris with them.

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"So Jackie," Jade began, shouting to be heard of the noise. The group was now less-than-comfortably strapped into their seats aboard the Section 13 helicopter. "What exactly do you think Eris meant when she called Athena 'Daddy's little-kiss up'?"

"That was because Athena is the daughter of Zeus," Jackie explained, "and the stories always said she was his favorite child."

"There's a reason for it," Prometheus elaborated. "You see, Athena's birth was unique even among the gods. See, before Zeus started pursuing Hera, his eyes were set on someone else; Metis, Titaness of Prophecy."

"Seriously?" Jade asked, an eyebrow raised. "I thought _you_ were the Titan of Prophecy!"

"No, Forethought," Prometheus corrected, his voice turning bitter. "Similar, but more everyday common sense, rather than magical visions of the future. Hers were rarer, and frankly less useful, but they were flashy, so she was always more popular. Anyway, a little while after they'd gotten together, Metis got pregnant and prophesied that it would be a daughter. Unfortunately, the prophecy also said that if she had another of his children, it'd be a son who'd grow up to take Zeus' throne."

"And she told this to his face?!" Tohru snorted.

"Like I said, all Prophecy, no Forethought. Anyway, Zeus didn't like that, and, being Zeus, he did the rational thing-he tricked her into turning into a fly and swallowed her. Now, after a while, Metis ceased to be, just fading away, but the child continued to grow. Took some time, but eventually Zeus started complaining of headaches. Eventually the pain got so bad that he accepted an offer from Hephaestus: to have his skull split open to 'check under the hood', as it were."

"Ouch!" Jade commented. "Is that where the term 'splitting headache' comes from?"

"Ignoring that. Well, when Zeus' head split, Athena, for that's who it was, took the opportunity to burst out. She appeared fully grown and dressed in full battle armor, and, despite the pain she'd caused him, she quickly became Zeus' favorite. It made sense; not only was Athena the Goddess of Wisdom, a master strategist and brilliant advisor, but because she'd appeared fully grown, Zeus had no nasty memories of her formative years-no bratty child or rebellious teenager. Just a calm, respectful adult."

Jade shot a glare at Jackie. "Don't you say a word," she warned.

Prometheus actually laughed at that. "Kid, you got moxie. Well, anyway, what Zeus loved about Athena above all else was her ability to brownnose. Every time Zeus had a dispute, she took his side-and with her debate skills, he always won!"

"Okay, got it, but more importantly, which other gods was she close to?" Captain Black asked. "We're not lucky enough that Zeus's extra powers would be a one-god thing."

Prometheus sighed. "You're right, which is going to make strategizing infinitely more complicated," he muttered. "I can think of several minor deities with whom Athena was at least friendly, but the two that most come to mind are Themis and Mnemosyne."

"Wait, weren't they Titanesses?" Jackie asked. "And wasn't Mnemosyne one of Zeus's...er…?"

"Paramours?" Prometheus finished, smirking. "Yes. And yes, but they never turned against Zeus, so they were alright in his book. Besides, it makes sense. Themis ruled over Justice and Mnemosyne over Memory, which were perfect complements to Wisdom. It was an odd trio, but they seemed to make it work."

"So what kind of powers should we expect?" Tohru asked. "Memory warping or the like?"

Prometheus shook his head. "No, Mnemosyne was more about retaining memories than removing them. I foresee some very unexpected difficulties for you, but even I can't say exactly what."

"Bah!" Uncle scoffed. During the flight, he'd been downing even more olives. "Prometheus did not do proper _research_! Or proper training! Visions are a very tricky magic, and-"

"It's one I know more about than any human alive, so kindly shut up," Prometheus growled, glaring at Uncle. "I don't know what's been eating at you, but put a lid on it or I predict some very ugly things in your very near future."

"You threaten Uncle?!" Uncle sputtered, jamming another handful of olives into his mouth.

"Actually no, but I wouldn't count it out! Besides, you and Tohru need to pay attention! I'm giving you a crash course in Greek magic before we arrive! You don't need to be the Titan of Forethought to predict that this will get dirty," Prometheus said, before raising his hand and conjuring a small vial of olive oil in a burst of flame.

"Now, lesson one: Athena's greatest invention. She was a suck-up, but she earned that 'Goddess of Wisdom' title. Olives, and therefore their oil, are the single greatest thing ever created, and I'm including my own creation of humanity. There isn't a single spell, situation, or recipe that can't be improved with olive oil," he continued, giving the vial an appreciative sniff.

"Bah!" Uncle snapped. "No greater resource than _garlic_!"

"Maybe for your paltry little chi spells, but for Greek magic, it all comes down to olives!"

"Garlic good for _all_ magic! Greeks just not sophisticated enough to use it properly!"

"I'm sorry, which one of us is the deity here?! Just face reality, you stubborn old goat!"

"Ah, you just like miserable spider woman! Neither of you can appreciate Uncle's genius!"

"Your 'genius' is never listening to your elders?!" By this point, Uncle and Prometheus were practically leaning into each other's faces, and they showed no signs of stopping.

"It's gonna be a _long_ flight," Jade sighed, fishing out a pair of earbuds from her pockets. Jackie nodded his head as he brought his hand out. Jade grumbled and handed the earbuds to him before pulling out another pair for herself. They hooked them up to their phones and tried to relax to some music.

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"Woohoo!" Eris shouted as the chariot flew through the sky, tracing a complex figure eight as it did. Her arms were spread out as she added, "Now _this_ is what I'm talking about! Nothing like feeling the wind in your face, eh, gang? Not confined to some metal tube!"

"Ask me again when we've landed," Vanessa groaned, holding tightly onto the side of the chariot. Her face had a noticeable greenish tint. "I'm too busy trying not to throw up."

"Ancient wisdom," Zhixin wheezed, his face equally green. "The foolish crab tries to hold back the tide, and is washed away."

"Oh, don't you dare!" Vanessa snapped, glaring at the old monk. "If I can make it, so can you!"

"Both of you need to relax," Eris sighed, shaking her head. "Why can't you be more like Kasahara? He's having a good time!"

"He fainted ten minutes in," Vanessa said, looking down at the unconscious thief.

"Exactly!" Eris said. "Still, better wake him up. Target incoming!"

Indeed, the chariot was currently flying over the city of Stockholm, heading towards a building with a brown marquee emblazoned with a sword and reading "Vikingaliv: A True Adventure" in both English and Swedish. Strangely enough, no one seemed to notice the chariot as it began to descend.

"Godly rides are invisible to mortals by default," Eris answered the unasked question, seeing her minions' confusion. "Normally I'm all for making a scene, but in times like this, I'll save the chaos for when we actually land."

"But how do you know the shield is here?" Vanessa asked, staring at the tourist attraction as she shook Kasahara awake.

Eris laughed. "This close, I can _smell_ the power. I don't know exactly which shield, but I know it's in here. Hestia, too." As she spoke, Eris's nostrils flared, and she frowned. "And speaking of 'smell', looks like it's going to be a foot race."

"What?" Vanessa asked as Eris pointed at a shimmering distortion in the air, also descending to the ground. It was a few yards away, but on track to land at the same time they were. As Vanessa examined the area, she noticed a helicopter flying above it "Wait, you mean that's-?"

"Prometheus and his little gang? Yep," Eris snarled. "Still, at least we got here just in time. Get ready to get moving! And remember, fight to kill."

"Well, duh!" Zhixin snapped.

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"Uncle is very uncomfortable!" Uncle said, sweating profusely. He and Prometheus were floating to the ground inside a shimmering bubble of air, the helicopter passing overhead. "Too hot in here!"

"Oh, I'm sorry!" Prometheus replied, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "Next time I'll use the air-conditioned spell-or maybe you could just be a man and parachute with the rest of your family!"

Indeed, the rest of the group were parachuting down alongside them, albeit enclosed in the heat haze. Strangely enough, the parachutes were falling at the same rate as the bubble.

"You want Uncle to have heart attack?" Uncle snarled.

"I want Uncle to stop complaining and show some respect!" Prometheus snapped. "Right now I'm busy hiding us, slowing our descent, _and_ keeping an eye on Eris, and I don't need your sass getting in the way!" He then sighed and continued, "Anyway, I didn't have much time to teach, so that crash course in Greek magic will have to be enough for now. You have the chi-o-matic on you, right?"

Uncle nodded and held up his magic device, as well as his bag of ingredients.

"And the olive oil?"

Uncle rolled his eyes and produced a small bottle of extra virgin oil from the bag.

"Good. And everyone," he warned, raising his voice to address the others, "be prepared to fight for your lives. Remember, Eris won't hold back, so neither should you. Now, get ready to drop!"

At his signal, just ten feet off the ground, the rest of the group released their parachutes and, buffeted by Prometheus's air currents, safely hit the ground and started running, startling onlookers as they seemed to emerge from out of thin air. Prometheus grabbed Uncle and popped the bubble around them, setting the old man down when they hit.

Jackie was at the head of the group, his eyes trained forward as he looked around for any sign of Eris and her minions. However, he suddenly spied something out of the corner of his eye.

"Jade!" he cried out, noticing his niece next to him for the first time. She'd managed to hide in the haze until now. "I told you to stay in the chopper!"

"Oh, is _that_ what you said?" Jade replied with a shrug. "I couldn't hear you over the blades. I was like 'what's a crayon chopper?' Plus, you know, gotta put those parachuting lessons to good use!"

Jackie groaned. "Why do I even bother these days? Look, just stay close so I can protect you!"

"Tch. You still don't think I can handle myself?" Jade asked, rolling her eyes.

"You shouldn't have to!" Jackie replied. "Besides, you never know when-"

"Eyes on the prize, Chan!" came a familiar voice as Jackie suddenly received a whip strike right to the face, sending him to the ground. As the group came to a halt, they saw Vanessa, Eris, and the rest of their group standing nearby, their eyes alight with malice.

"Well, there goes the element of surprise," Captain Black said, stopping next to Jackie and moving to prop him up as Vanessa prepared to send out another lash. "Think you need to carry him?" he asked as he turned toward Tohru.

Before Tohru could answer, Jackie leapt back to his feet and, without a word, ran towards Vanessa. But just as he was about to hit her, the relic hunter teleported behind him and delivered a kick to his back. He was sent stumbling towards Kasahara, who had transformed into his favored samurai form and extended two bladelike arms to pierce the off-balance fighter. Fortunately, Jackie was able to recover, meeting him with a headbutt and then flipping over him, dodging a blast from Zhixin before slamming his foot down on the still-dazed Origami's head.

Eris casually watched all of this as she released her steeds to the sky and shrunk her chariot and the four trunks to miniature size, pocketing them. "You're doing great, dears," she said over her shoulder as she walked to the museum entrance. "Just keep them busy for me!"

Origami transformed into a tiger beneath Jackie and tossed him into the air. Vanessa moved to strike Jackie with her whip, but he slammed his feet against the museum wall, bounced off, and caught her weapon in hand. As Zhixin fired again, Jackie yanked the whip and pulled Vanessa into the path of the attack. Too startled to teleport, she took the blast head on, whereupon Jackie slammed her down onto Origami, sending them both down to the ground. Without wasting a moment, Jackie leaped down and knocked Zhixin flat an open-handed strike to his face.

"Go Uncle Jackie!" Jade chanted as she watched the fight, albeit in her combat stance.

Growling, all three relic hunters pushed themselves to their feet, nodded to each other, and attacked again-Vanessa lashing her whip, Zhixin jumping and firing another blast, and Origami transforming back into samurai form and running forward with his bladed arms.

"Bwah!" Jackie cried as he bent over backwards like a champion limbo player. The attacks passed over him, and he dropped and rolled, popping up beside Zhixin and grabbing him from behind. Overpowering the old monk, he pulled his hostage's arms backwards, almost dislocating them, and pointed the palms upward. "No more palm-blasting for you!" he warned.

"Ancient wisdom," Zhixin countered. "There is more than one way to skin a calf." With that, he kicked Jackie in the shin. As Jackie winced in pain, Zhixin broke free of his grip, spinning Jackie around and preparing to blast him in the back, only to be stopped by a rabbit punch from Captain Black.

"Looked like you could use some help," Captain Black said with a smile.

"I appreciate it," Jackie replied, grinning back, before he was abruptly pulled backwards by a whip wrapping around his neck..

"The more the merrier!" Vanessa snapped, dragging Jackie across the ground as she, Zhixin, and Kasahara prepared to attack.

"Good to hear!" Tohru cried, bowling into all three of them from behind. As the three lay there, the giant picked up Jackie, struggling to regain his breath, brushed him off, and pointed to the door. "Everybody in! I'll try to slow them down!"

Jackie grabbed Jade and carried her in the door as Uncle and Prometheus followed Tohru. They burst through, startling the docent, and Tohru was forced to stop and pay as the rest of them charged through. Vanessa, Kasahara, and Zhixin soon followed, but Tohru repelled them with a single swing of his colossal belly. Unfortunately, they weren't deterred for long, and were soon rushing forward for another attempt. This time, though, Vanessa simply teleported past him, Origami flattened himself and flitted between the giant's legs, and Zhixin just blasted him out of the way, leaving Tohru semi-conscious and groaning against the nearest wall.

The museum entrance hall was a beautiful room, with standing cases and wall displays showing off all sorts of nordic artifacts, from weapons to shields to plates and bowls, all of it over brightly polished hardwood floors. The Chans had little time to appreciate it, though, as they sprinted out of the first room and into the next, where the Viking longboat awaited, along with displays of Viking armor. Eris was already there, examining, based on the discarded ones next to her, her third shield. She groaned as she cast her mismatched eyes on the new arrivals.

"Ugh," she complained. "Those three couldn't buy me another five minutes?"

"Yeah," Jade told her. "In our experience, as soon as they become henchmen, they start to suck at everything."

Right on cue, the trio of thieves came charging into the new room. As the Chans turned to respond, Vanessa quickly teleported right in front of Jackie, sucker-punching him in the gut. As he doubled over, Captain Black moved to strike, only to have Origami's blades crossed right in front of his neck. A blast from Zhixin knocked Uncle's blowfish out of his hands, whereupon the old monk was quickly able to restrain him. And as for Jade, Vanessa just picked her up by the hoodie and held her at arm's length, standing on Jackie's back for good measure.

"...Then again, first time for everything," Jade muttered as she thrashed against Vanessa's grip.

"Our apologies for the momentary delay, Lady Eris," Kasahara apologized as his head emerged from his armor. "But as you can see, we have the matter well in hand."

Kasahara immediately regretted that small transformation, though, as Prometheus hit him over the head with one of Eris' rejected shields. It didn't do much damage, but it dazed him enough that Captain Black was able to slip away from his blades. However, no sooner had he escaped than Origami blocked his path, leaving him only slightly better off.

"How many times do I have to tell them? Don't gloat until _everyone's_ taken down," Vanessa muttered, glaring at Kasahara.

"I do hope that will be the limit on your interference," came a voice beside them. "After all, Eris's forces seem to be handling themselves quite well without her."

Out of nowhere, Hestia was standing beside Prometheus. She was casting a bored, even disapproving look toward the entire group. Captain Black blushed as her gaze passed over him, ducking his head and trying to look away. Prometheus looked only slightly less ashamed, but kept his gaze high. "You make a decent point," he sighed. "And I believe that these mortals could take down Eris' little goon squad any day of the week. On the other hand…"

With that, Prometheus pounced at Eris, delivering a flying kick to her side and knocking her newest shield out of her hands. "...I'm sure _you're_ fair game!" he finished as the goddess staggered back from the blow.

As Vanessa stared at this new turn of events, Jackie recovered and, his hands pressed to the ground, bucked. The sudden motion knocked Vanessa off-balance as she stumbled off of Jackie's back, forcing her to let Jade go. No sooner had she landed did she rejoin the fight, jumping to Zhixin and kicking him in the back. As the monk's grip involuntarily loosened, Uncle took the opportunity to break free and snatch his blowfish. Without even a chant, he blasted Origami away from Captain Black and towards the entrance, leaving him to crash into the now recovered Tohru standing in the doorway. With a smile, Tohru crumpled a screaming Origami into a ball and kicked him into the other room before charging at Vanessa.

"Not this time, plus-size!" Vanessa snarled. She teleported away before Tohru could strike, appearing behind him and lashing him across the back with her whip. With a laugh, she drove one of her high-heeled boots into his back, sending him careening into the Viking longboat, knocking it off-balance and sending the shields tumbling down.

"BIG T!" Jade yelled. With a roar, she pounced and socked Vanessa in the kidney, sending her doubling over in pain. As Vanessa was about to counterattack, though, Jackie snatched up his niece and lightly tossed her over to a doorway on the other side of the room. In the confusion, no one noticed Uncle scurrying over to the shields, chi-o-matic out.

"What the heck?!" Jade objected. "I was gonna lay the smackdown on her! She deserved it!"

"Too dangerous!" Jackie yelled over his shoulder as he rejoined the fray. "It's a museum! Go learn something!"

Jade groaned in annoyance. Eris laughed at the chaos and took a battle stance, smirking and performing a somersault to catch Prometheus' neck in a scissorhold. Prometheus choked for air as the goddess of discord cackled, but Jackie came to the titan's rescue, chopping her in the neck and giving her a taste of her own asphyxiation. Eris snarled and landed on her hands, stepping forward on them and striking Jackie in the shoulders before flipping back over and landing with catlike grace - assuming the cat had first fallen out of a tree.

"You've studied martial arts?" Jackie gasped.

"Had to do something to pass the time in that urn!" Eris replied, jabbing Jackie in the stomach with her fist. Jackie wheezed, but spun and threw Eris against the Viking ship's side, where Prometheus punched her in the nose. In retaliation, Zhixin blasted Prometheus out of the way and retrieved Eris, setting her aside before aiming at Jackie. Without missing a beat, Jackie kicked one of the dropped shields into his hands and blocked Zhixin's attack, only for Kasahara to return, leaping down from the ceiling in samurai form and slashing the shield in half.

"Feeble defenses will not last you long, Chan-Jackie-Chan!" the fold-up man snarled.

Meanwhile, Tohru and Captain Black had their hands full with Vanessa. Every time they moved to strike, she teleported out of the way, and she wasn't shy with her bullwhip. "Boss, focus on finding the shield!" she snarled at Eris as she continued to humiliate her opponents. "We can handle the chaff!"

As Vanessa stood to gloat, though, a double-edged axe, clearly a museum piece, flew at her. She just managed to teleport to the side, only for Tohru to swat her into the side of the ship. As she slammed into the museum piece, she involuntarily dropped her whip.

"All this fighting over a shield really takes you back, doesn't it, Jackie?" Jade said with a grin as she rushed over to grab Vanessa's weapon.

"Jade!" Jackie snapped, dodging another of Zhixin's blasts. "I told you to-"

"Did you know that Viking children could join their armies at the age of ten?" Jade asked him. "I just learned that."

Jackie had no time to eat his own words as he dodged another blast. Meanwhile Jade uncoiled the whip, the cracker at the end making a loud _SNAP_ as she tried to use Vanessa's own weapon against its wielder.

"Just because you have my weapon doesn't mean you know how to use it!" Vanessa sneered.

Jade smirked again and cracked the whip once more, wrapping it around its former owner. "I'm a fast learner," she bragged.

Now visibly angry, Vanessa teleported out of her weapon and behind Jade, seizing the whip and kicking the girl aside. Jade flew into Tohru's arms and climbed onto his shoulder as he charged Vanessa, who dodged without bothering to teleport and whipped him in the back. Tohru went flying into a wall, knocking down a display on battle gear. With a smile, Jade slipped on a helmet and grabbed two swords and prepared to leap, but stopped when she heard Jackie gasp in pain.

Turning, she saw that Origami had morphed into the form of a monkey, and was using his new agility to outmatch even Jackie, leaping and flattening himself to avoid every one of Jackie's blows before retaliating with his own. As Jackie stumbled back, Origami flew through the air to land on his back, holding bladed arms to his neck.

"At last we reach the end, Chan-Jackie-Chan!" he snarled as he prepared to cleave Jackie's head from his shoulders.

"Don't count on it!" came Jade's voice as the girl flew through the air, slicing off Origami's arms with deft strokes of her swords. Origami collapsed to the ground and began crawling away, shock impeding the regeneration of his arms. Zhixin moved to cover him, only for Captain Black to tackle the old monk just as he planned to fire another energy beam, causing the attack to strike Vanessa instead and leave her sprawled on the floor. At the same time, Jackie knocked Origami out with a blow to the head just as he was about to rejoin the fray. With a smile, Tohru finished the job on Zhixin, wrapping him in a bear hug and squeezing until he felt the monk sag into unconsciousness. A swift movement later, Zhixin tumbled to the floor to join the others.

During all of this, Prometheus did his best to hold his own against Eris, but her unpredictable style of random, vicious movements was very difficult to counter. Every time he thought she'd attack, she retreated, and vice versa. And then, when he was least expecting it, she delivered a devastating kick to the scar on his abdomen, putting him down for the count. She turned and went through a series of faces upon seeing her minions subdued, as well as Hestia's ever-watchful eye, but settled on a smile when she heard the noise that filled the room.

"Hot cha!" Uncle declared. He held his chi-o-matic, alive and whirring, over a blue and silver striped shield, bending down to pick it up. Not only was the shield glowing, but it also had the image of an owl embossed on the inside, symbols that surely weren't there before today.

"It's mine!" Eris snarled, diving between Jackie and Captain Black to grab the shield for herself. She and Uncle got into a fierce tug-of-war over the shield. Uncle even threw down his chi-o-matic to better grip the shield, but it was clear who was winning. Jackie, Tohru, Jade, and Captain Black moved to help, but Eris held a hand to Uncle's face with a snarl. "One false move and I blow the old man's head off!"

The group didn't dare move at this, save for Prometheus, who struggled to his feet. Even he didn't dare move forward, though. Uncle, however, let one of his hands drop to his side, whipping out his blowfish. As his grip lightened, Eris began to tug harder, and Uncle struggled to maintain his hold.

"You old fool!" Prometheus snapped. "Chi magic won't work on a goddess!"

Uncle smirked and pointed the blowfish upward before the blast. Just as Eris seized the shield for herself, a mass of plaster and wood fell directly on top of her, knocking her down and sending the shield rolling back to Uncle.

"Hmph!" Uncle said with a proud smirk as he retrieved the artifact. "Never question Uncle!"

Prometheus sighed. "Okay, I can admit when I'm wrong."

"Since when?" Hestia snapped.

"Let's just get this shield to Section 13 before they wake up," Prometheus continued, rolling his eyes. "I still haven't figured out the spell to extract the power from its chosen object."

"Hah! That's because you've been drinking too much olive oil! Uncle could figure it out like that!" the old man said, snapping his fingers.

"Alright, sure," Prometheus snarled, visibly fighting to keep his temper. "But we should do it back at-"

"One more thing! Uncle is not leaving until he gets an apology!" Uncle snapped, a faint spark appearing in the old man's bifocals. "You have been looking down on Uncle ever since he met you, and he's tired of it! Uncle is no fool! He is the greatest chi wizard there is!"

"You might want to watch what you say when - oh no," Prometheus muttered as he stared at Uncle. The shield was starting to glow. "Uncle, you need to-"

"Uncle knows everything there is to know! He is the most learned, the most practiced, the most experienced! He is the one who has protected the world from forces of darkness since the return of Shendu, and he has not come all this way to be replaced by some two-bit con-artist!" Uncle continued, ignoring the steady glow of the shield. "You will _respect Uncle_!"

"DROP THE SHIELD, OLD MAN!" Prometheus roared, charging at Uncle. At the same time, Eris burst from the pile of rubble and launched herself at the wizened shop owner, seizing the shield. When she landed, though, she looked it over and scowled.

"No!" she screamed. "Come on, the one time I don't need this!"

Meanwhile, in Uncle's mind, a calm female voice began to speak. _"Ah, I see we are of one mind,"_ it murmured. _"Our knowledge is superior, and thus_ we _are superior. Are you ready to prove it?"_

"No need to ask Uncle twice!" the old man chortled as the shield emitted a blinding flash of light and a burst of wind, blowing Eris and Prometheus away. As they staggered to their feet, they watched as Uncle became encased in owl feathers, swirling around him and blocking him from sight.

"Well, isn't this a fine mess we're about to be in," Hestia said as she stared at the rapidly diminishing pile of feathers. "You realize how badly you've _all_ failed, right?" she asked. Prometheus and Eris both hung their heads in shame, prompting the goddess to smile. "Good. In that case, let's-"

"Save the lessons for later, lady!" Jade snapped, glaring at Hestia. "We've gotta help Uncle!"

"I don't appreciate your tone," Hestia said snidely. "Besides, _you're_ the ones who-"

"Hestia, come on!" Prometheus snapped. "Yes, I get it, we screwed up! But stop lording over us and help us fix this before it gets worse!"

"Not a chance!" Hestia roared back. "You knew the deal! I'm here to observe and help the one I deem worthy! And I'm not convinced of anything yet!"

"Fine, fine," Prometheus sighed, conjuring a ball of fire in his outstretched hand. "Chans, I'll give you a bit of a head start. Besides, Athena always could've used a little more discipline."

However, as he moved to throw the fireball, it was abruptly snuffed out, leaving only a faint flicker in the air.

"Oh, no," he said, staring at his open hand. "He's taking to it faster than I thought!"

"Hah! You try to stop Uncle with puny spells?" came Uncle's voice, the owl feathers now just a thin layer covering his skin. "Naive." At that word, the feathers fell to the ground and vanished, revealing Uncle in all his glory.

"Uncster, reel it in!" Jade cried. "You gotta resist it!"

Uncle just smirked at this and stepped forward. He looked nothing like his old, frail self now. He stood tall and steady, his back perfectly straight, and he radiated strength from every pore. His usual outfit had been replaced with dark grey robes, accented by embroidered owls that seemed to pierce the air with their intense gaze. A bronze war helmet topped his head, and he kept his chin high and proud. His eyes, now gray, seemed to glow with a piercing intensity, and a faint shimmer of light hung around his hands.

"Resist? This is the best Uncle's felt in his entire life!" he said gleefully. "The power of a god rushes through these veins! No longer do you deal with just Uncle, you deal with the might of the new Athena himself!"

"Man, that corruption works fast!" Jade commented. "The demon chi had nothing on this!"

"It's the emotional resonance," Prometheus muttered. "They're not being taken over, they're being _transformed_."

"No one cares about the details, you idiot!" Eris snapped as her minions began to groggily regain consciousness. "Let's just get to the fight!"

"'Fight'?" Uncle asked mockingly. "Uncle thinks you are being a little too hasty. Uncle needs time; strategy is essential to victory, after all."

"And we're going to give that to you, why?" Captain Black asked as he and the rest of the room, even Eris and her minions, got into fighting stances.

"Because you can't stop Uncle," Uncle said calmly, flexing his fingers. " _No one can_."

Suddenly, his hands began moving through the air at lightning speed, the shimmer around them bending and refracting the light into an array of colors. As he worked, the shimmer began to fade, revealing what was truly wrapped around his fingers…

"Thread?" Jackie asked. Indeed, a strand of thread, seemingly connected to the empty air, stretched from each one of Uncle's knuckles, slowly being pulled into a tapestry.

Prometheus and Eris both blanched. "Of course _this_ is the power he gets," Prometheus muttered before turning to face the group. "Everyone out, now!"

The authority in the Titan's voice prompted them all to start running, albeit with confused looks on their faces. "Okay, seriously? We're freaking out over string now? Seems like a step down from lightning," Jade scoffed, prompting a facepalm from Prometheus.

"Do I really have to spell it out? First off, it doesn't matter _what_ the power is; it's still divine. Second-"

"Weaving's kind of a hot topic when it comes to Athena," Eris interrupted, prompting a groan from her followers.

"Please tell me that pun wasn't intentional," Zhixin sighed from his position atop Origami's shoulders.

"Yes, but it wouldn't have been had I known," Eris replied simply. "Anyway, haven't you ever heard of the story of Arachne?

"Yeah, read up on it on the chopper," Captain Black said. "Mortal seamstress declares she's better than Athena, Athena shows up and challenges her to a weaving contest, Arachne depicts the gods at their worst, Athena turns her into a spider as punishment."

"Pretty basic, but good enough," Prometheus grumbled. "Although, credit where credit was due, Athena _did_ actually win that contest. Girl was a suckup and a know-it-all, but she could weave like nobody else."

"Wow, honesty. How rare to hear it from your own lips," Hestia snarked as Prometheus growled.

"Okay, Auntie, I know this'll sound crazy, but could you lay off him a bit?" Eris asked sullenly. "I love to tear him down too, but it's starting to get pointless." Seeing the confused looks everyone was giving her, she said, "What? I'm not allowed to be the voice of reason? These divine stereotypes are demeaning for all of us."

By now, the assemblage had managed to escape the museum and make it a fair distance away. They stood there, catching their breaths and staring at the museum, waiting for something to happen.

And then, said something happened, as multicolored threads wove their way out of the door and windows, casting an ethereal light everywhere. What was more, a giant image of Uncle's head formed above the museum, grinning malevolently. A closer look revealed that it was made out of yet more thread.

"So, you flee in the face of Uncle's power? Truly a wise move," it said, chuckling.

"Hardly! I'll have you know that this was a-" Prometheus started to say before Uncle interrupted him.

"-'Strategic retreat', yes, Uncle knows," the old man scoffed. "The first Athena _invented_ that excuse. Do you really think you can stand against Uncle's unmatched wisdom?"

"I dunno, but I doubt _you_ can stand against everyone mobbing you when we get back in there," Jade replied snarkily, looking around at the assembled fighters. Indeed, all of them looked ready for action, with the notable exceptions of Prometheus, Hestia, and Eris.

"Then it's a good thing Uncle is _not_ going to stay here," Uncle said. In an instant, the head dissolved into a mess of threads that draped over the museum, completely hiding it from view. Then, as if pulled by invisible hands, the threads lifted up and began twisting through the air, forming into the shape of some sort of tower-like structure. However, the details of the shape were lost on the viewers, who noticed one particular detail; the entire museum being reshaped in accordance to the design.

In less than a minute, the Vikingaliv had been replaced by a dazzling four-tiered pagoda. It looked like it was made entirely of gleaming marble set with gold and bronze, with jeweled eaves reflecting light all around. At the very top was a golden statue of an owl, its eyes glaring down at the world like it wanted to tear it apart. However, the entire thing shifted and moved in the breeze, revealing it to be made almost entirely of cloth.

The entire group, again with the exception of the immortal beings, stared at the structure, mouths agape.

"Ugh, this is so typical of her," Eris muttered. "Fifty drachma says that place is trapped from ceiling to floor."

"Fool's bet," Prometheus replied. "Any chance you'd be willing to call truce until we get up there?"

"Not on your life, old man," Eris said with a glare.

Meanwhile, Jackie and Jade were looking with especially concerned looks. "T, you can fix this, right?" Jade asked, turning to her comrade. "Fix him?"

Tohru nodded. "Yes, I was listening to Prometheus's lecture during the flight. The museum should go back to normal once Uncle is healed, and I know the spell to do so. All I need are the ingredients in my spell kit, and I'll be ready to cast the spell once we're in range-" Tohru suddenly stopped short, wildly looking at everyone around him. "Or I _could_ if I had Sensei's chi-o-matic..."

The entire group went silent, until Jade finally spoke up, doing her best impression of Uncle. "Aiyah! How could you forget to grab chi-o-matic!?"

"Good impression, bad time," Captain Black said, shaking his head.

Eris laughed out loud, and was joined by her trio of enforcers. "Well, Prometheus, it looks like you didn't teach your little mortal friends well enough! I know _I_ have everything I need to take this power for myself!"

"Impossible!" Prometheus snapped. "You can't possibly already have a spell to steal it!"

"You don't know what I've got, old man!" Eris shot back. She turned to Hestia and put on her best smile. "So, you'll help whomever gets the power first, then?"

Hestia didn't answer, instead giving Eris a sideways look.

"See, your face is saying you're annoyed, but your eyes are saying 'Yes', so that's good enough for me!" Eris said jubilantly as she turned to her team. "Ready to go, team?"

"Fortune favors the bold!" Kasahara announced, transforming into his favorite samurai form, but maintaining his human head. "And I love fortune!"

Rather than going through the door, though, he started hacking at one of the cloth walls, eagerly slicing into them, only for one of his cohorts to seize him from behind.

"Wait, shouldn't we take some time to plan this out?!" Zhixin asked nervously as he yanked Origami back. "You said yourself this place is completely booby-trapped. Besides, I'm sure that this new Athena would respect strategic planning and tactics."

"You make a very good point," Eris said, smiling. "However, counterpoint!" And with a snap of her fingers, she and her enforcers disappeared in a plume of rainbow smoke, leaving her now signature apple symbol embossed on the ground.

Hestia didn't say a word, but looked at Prometheus expectantly. Prometheus groaned loudly. "Come on, we can't even-" he started, before stopping as he looked into Hestia's eyes and noticed something...off. They seemed duller than usual; where once they were a brightly burning flame, now they more resembled banked coals.

"Okay, so that's how you're playing it," Prometheus muttered, rolling his eyes. "No point talking to you, then. All right, we can't afford to wait!" he announced to the rest of the group. "I'll bet anything the chi-o-matic is in there somewhere, and I'll bet that the old man doesn't plan on using it for himself!"

"Why not?" Tohru asked. "Sensei is a master chi wizard."

"True, but Athena never cared for magic over innovative technology. Tartarus knows she stuck to mechanical solutions when she could. At worst, he's keeping it away from us. In fact, I can all but guarantee it."

"Uh huh. And I'm guessing the giant cloth pagoda is an example of 'innovative technology'?" Captain Black asked, prompting surprised looks from the others. "What? Someone's got to fill the void."

"I mean, Athena prefers big magic for big tasks, but would rather figure out better ways for the small things. The chi-o-matic is useless to her. Now, enough chit-chat! If Eris gets ahold of that power, we might as well give up then and there!"

Jackie nodded and took the lead, charging through the pagoda and throwing open the door. However, his entrance was halted when he stepped inside and immediately tripped as the carpet snaked out from under him.

"A little more caution, perhaps?" Prometheus remarked dryly. A bit red in the face, Jackie got back to his feet and led the way, the others jumping the carpet to enter. The room within was a billowing grey surface, seemingly made of a single massive tapestry, decorated with images from all over Scandinavia. In each of them, warriors wrapped up like mummies were wielding swords and invading cities. At the back of the room was a single staircase, leading up into the pagoda.

Captain Black let out a whistle. "The old man has some big plans," she commented.

Prometheus nodded. "If he isn't stopped, he'll go on to conquer Scandinavia, then Europe, and then the world."

"Then let's stop gabbing and bring down this house of weaves!" Jade cried, dashing ahead of the group. Then she stopped short. "Wait, how do I know that reference? Curse you, middle-school English!"

Tohru snatched up Jade and put her on his shoulder, and the whole group stepped lightly. The floor of the place wasn't very solid; it was more like a tightly-woven net, supporting their weight but bending slightly beneath them. They didn't make it far, though, before they saw they had company.

The footsteps were impossible to hear, but easy to feel with that bizarre floor. A platoon of soldiers just like those in the tapestries, human shapes wrapped tight in brightly colored linens and wielding the museum's swords and axes, were marching toward them from all directions.

"Now we got mummies?" Jade complained. "Uncster, pick a civilization and stick to it!"

"More importantly, how'd they get the drop on us?" Captain Black asked as he settled into a combat stance. "This room has two exits!"

"Um, I think I know how," Jackie said shakily, pointing to the floor. As the others followed his finger, they saw how the soldiers were entering; the entire army was literally walking off the tapestries and into the room proper, two-dimensional images transitioning to three-dimensional beings with a disturbing smoothness.

"...Okay then," Prometheus muttered. "You know what I said about Athena not using magic? Throw that out the window. In fact, now he may be planning to collect the other gods' powers for himself when they show."

"It makes sense," Tohru said. "Sensei is a wizard to his core; even bonding with Athena wouldn't change that. I think it's safe to say that this is entire place is magically trapped."

"Yes, wonderful, you're all very smart, now can we skip the exposition and start fighting already?" Jade asked, leaping from Tohru's shoulders and launching a roundhouse kick at the "face" of the nearest soldier. However, her blow was light, and the soldier didn't even flinch. Jackie caught her before she hit the floor and tossed her back to Tohru.

"Head for the stairs!" Jackie ordered the group. "I'll cover you!" The others nodded and obeyed, backing up into the corner as the cloth mummies advanced. Jackie stood his ground and punched the first few back, then leapt up and shot out a split kick, knocking them all away as he spun 360 degrees.

Seizing his opportunity, he grabbed a set of daggers from a fallen soldier and slashed around him, but quickly stopped his fighting when he saw what was beneath all the linen. The blank-eyed face of a middle-aged man stared back at him through the gashes in the cloth. Jackie, stunned, ceased his fighting until the tourist kicked him in the chest and sent him flying.

Staggering backwards, Jackie took another look at the man before staring at the daggers in his hands. Sighing, he tossed them to the ground and with a deft movement, rushed forward and leapt upon the shoulders of the nearest soldier. From there, it was just a quick series of jumps across the army's head before he caught up to the others, landing right behind them on the staircase just as they cleared the ceiling.

The cloth staircase bent under their weight, particularly Tohru's, but retained just enough of its shape for them to advance. They were walking through a dark and enclosed space, lined with wooden beams like the structure of a loom. Spiderwebs were embroidered on every surface, complete with spiders that seemed almost to move. Given the previous room, everyone was on their guard.

"What happened?" Captain Black asked. "You had them handled and then you just retreated!"

"They're tourists from the museum!" Jackie objected. As they were walking, the staircase was starting to even out into a corridor.

"Yes, I expect they'd were. Good on you for retreating; mortal casualties should be avoided at all costs," Prometheus said as he turned back to the staircase and burned part of it with a fireball, sending it falling to the previous floor. "As the Titan of Forethought, though, I'd be remiss if I didn't tell you that you should've at least kept your weapons."

"Ugh, less talking, more walking," Jade groaned as they made their way down the corridor. The only light came from the iridescent spiderwebs and the dim glow from Hestia's eyes. The ambiance wasn't helped by Tohru's teeth loudly clattering as he looked at the spiders on the walls. To ease the tension, Prometheus held a small flame in his hands, but that somehow making the whole place even eerier. Nobody noticed as the staircase began to stitch itself back into place. "This place is starting to skeeve me out."

Prometheus chuckled. "Better steel yourself. I'm sure we'll be dealing with a lot more creepy crawlies going forward. Athena invented them, after all."

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"I swear, if I so much as _hear_ another spider, I'm going to blow a gasket," Vanessa snarled. She, Eris, and the rest of the group were currently walking through a similar corridor, albeit this one patterned with spears. The four of them were slightly bedraggled, and Kasahara had what looked like a disemboweled knit spider dangling from his shoulder.

"Oh come on, it wasn't that bad!" Eris said, her tone cheery but her voice strained.

"We were in a locked room that was literally _full_ of spiders," Zhixin muttered. "That's bad enough when the spiders _aren't_ the size of a cat."

"And it's even worse when they just tank everything you throw at them," Vanessa added. "Magic or not, yarn shouldn't be that tough!"

"I tried cutting our way out," Kasahara mumbled, looking shell shocked. "Why did I try cutting our way out? They just kept coming and coming and coming…"

"Look, if you can't deal with a little plague of spiders, I might as well turn you into a sparrow and be done with you," Eris sneered. "Honestly, they didn't even have venom!"

"Boss, it's just us," Vanessa said. "We get it, you have this 'evil domineering goddess' routine you're going for, but you can tone it down a little."

Eris sighed. Her face softened for just a moment, but then went right back to a tight frown. "Let's just keep moving. We lost a lot of time in there, and the old man likely has a lot more tricks up the sleeves that constitute these halls."

"Trickier than the staircase on the ceiling?" Vanessa asked. "Not like I expected this place to use logical geometry, but seriously."

"Ancient wisdom-" Zhixin started, but Eris cut him off.

"Is what we need to retrieve! Now quit blabbing and get moving!" Eris snapped, causing a collective sigh as the group marched forward.

As they walked, Vanessa turned her head to look at their additional passenger. "Also, boss, is she going to-?"

"Whatever you're thinking, she probably won't," Eris said, sighing. "I don't even know when she hitched a ride with us, but if she hasn't said anything by now, she's probably not going to. Just ignore her."

With a shrug, Vanessa turned her head and resumed. However, they hadn't been moving long when a tusked face, all of its features obscured in shadow but the snakes atop its head, popped out of the walls and let loose an ear-piercing shriek. Zhixin nearly had a heart attack on the spot, and Kasahara pulled him back to his feet.

"Pitiful trick," Eris said, rolling her eyes. "The Aegis wouldn't do much even if it _wasn't_ a knockoff. If scare tactics are all the old man has left, this'll be easy."

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"Seriously?" Captain Black asked as he and the others surveyed the next room. " _This_ is the next challenge?"

Indeed, the "second floor", space-bending notwithstanding, seemed to be a much more comfortable area. The long hallway was covered with floor to ceiling tapestries, with more stretching out like carpets over the ground. These tapestries were a riot of colors and images, a beautiful if somewhat overwhelming display that left the group dazzled. The knit owls perched on eaves throughout the room were almost invisible in the display. That is, until their eyes opened to glare at the team.

"How much you want to bet those things jump us as soon as we walk in?" Jade asked sarcastically.

"Well, no sense waiting," Prometheus grumbled as he took the first step into the room. Immediately, all of the owls flew up from their perches and began to descend, prompting the rest of the team to start running.

The birds came down fast, their razor-sharp beaks and talons glinting in the dim light, ready to slash the intruders to ribbons. Tohru began swatting them aside with swings of his massive arms, and Jackie grabbed Jade to shield her. Prometheus and Hestia stayed safely within the middle of the group, Prometheus lobbing fireballs at the cloth birds, burning them up on contact. Unfortunately, that filled the air with burning cloth, which was less than preferable.

Captain Black, trying to dodge a scrap of flying cloth, braced himself on a wall, his hand brushing a section of tapestry marked with a woven blowfish. Immediately, he was forced to jump backwards as one of Uncle's signature chi blasts shot out from the wall, nearly knocking him flat.

"He's booby-trapped this whole room with spells!" Prometheus realized. "Watch what you touch!"

"Just keep running!" Tohru advised. "Hopefully we'll charge past anything that tries to hit us!"

The group, desperate to escape, ran full speed down the corridor, escaping up the staircase and kicking aside any birds that followed. They took a deep breath upon escaping the latest magical trap, only to gasp when the group came face-to-face with Eris and her henchmen-and, even more disturbing, a second Hestia.

"Whoa," Jade muttered, her eyes darting back and forth between the twin goddesses as the entire group's mouths gaped. "Double your fun."

"Wait, there are two-" Eris stammered out, which got a smug grin from Prometheus.

"Well of course," the Titan said, speaking slowly, as if Eris were a toddler. "Hestia's been keeping an eye on both sides, after all-and, unlike you, she's a full goddess, and can be in multiple places at once. Takes a lot of effort, but no one can say she's not fair."

"Wait, but splitting her essence like that?" Eris said to herself, her eyes spinning. "That's just...I mean…"

Vanessa looked at the goddess currently muttering to herself and sighed. "Well, she's going to be out for a bit. Might as well just wai-" she began before suddenly vanishing. Before anyone could react, she reappeared directly in front of Jackie, grabbing him by the shirt and tossing him into the air. The stunned martial artist landed right at Kasahara's feet, prompting a twisted grin from the thief.

"Your end is near, Chan-Jackie-Chan!" the thief bragged as paper started to emerge from his skin, folding in increasingly complex shapes as his form became hidden from view. Eventually, standing in his place was a man-sized lobster, its features incredibly menacing. "Finally, I shall have justice!"

In all of the excitement, nobody noticed as the walls began to shift and fold, the images on them slowly changing to a uniform scene….

Kasahara quickly scuttled towards Jackie, his pincers prepped to tear Jackie's arms off at the shoulders. Jackie tried to back away, only to be halted by a rope wrapping around his neck. Vanessa had teleported right on top of him, her foot pressing into his chest and her whip starting to choke him.

"No point trying to sneak away," Vanessa said with a grin. "Kasahara's been waiting for this for such a long time, and it'd be cruel to disappoint him."

"Then I suppose you can call me cruel," came Tohru's voice as the man charged forward, rushing past Jackie and grappling with Origami before he could get close enough to attack. With Vanessa distracted by the interruption, Jackie, struggling to breathe, tried to unwrap his neck and crawl away. However, while he was able to unbind his neck, Vanessa's foot still kept him in place, leaving him nowhere to turn as Zhixin advanced upon him.

"Ancient wisdom-" Zhixin cackled, charging up his hands before he was interrupted.

"If you're focused on the trees, then the forest's gonna get ya!" came Jade's voice as the girl delivered a flying kick to his face. The monk stumbled backwards, the blasts blindfiring from the interruption and crashing into the wall, which absorbed the energy without making a sound.

Meanwhile, Tohru had delivered a two-fisted strike to Origami, shattering his papery carapace and leaving him scrambling for a new form. Taking advantage of the opportunity, he quickly turned and knocked Vanessa off of Jackie, sending her flying. "Thanks for the save," Jackie said as Tohru helped him up.

"Absolutely. Now then, where were we?" Tohru asked, turning back to Origami, only to see Eris standing right in front of him.

"Sorry to cut in, but I don't like people hurting my employees," the goddess said with a sickly sweet grin. "So do me a favor? Die painfully!" She slammed her hand into Tohru's stomach, prompting a bright green glow where her blow struck. For a moment, the man didn't react, only to start twitching uncontrollably.

"Tohru! Are you-?" Jackie began to ask, but was halted by the sight of strange black spots appearing all over Tohru's skin. However, it wasn't until the spots started moving that he realized what they were.

"Are those...ticks?" Captain Black asked, a nauseated look on his face.

"Makes sense," Jade said, equally disgusted. "Between that hair and those clothes, she's _got_ to be a bug's nest..."

"Hey, watch it! You don't see me giving you grief about _your_ fashion sense," Eris said as she withdrew her hand. "And besides, I think you have something else to worry about. After all, five minutes with these bloodsuckers on 'im and, well...you ever see a dehydrated pomegranate?"

In an instant, Tohru's expression changed to one of complete panic as he started frantically swatting at the ticks, charging all over the room. Meanwhile, Jade's face twisted into a fierce glare. "Okay, playtime's over," she growled as she flew at Eris, sending out blows in a blind fury. The goddess laughed at the ineffective strikes until one landed right in her solar plexus, staggering her a bit before she dissipated into smoke, reappearing about a foot down the hall..

"Ugh, you've got spunk, kid," Eris snarled. "But I have people for that. Oi!" she shouted, gesturing at her now completely recovered minions. "Get over here and kill this brat already!"

The three nodded and, with military precision, charged at Jade. Kasahara was first in line, taking his favored samurai form and priming his blades for the strike. With Tohru freaking out and Jackie frantically trying to calm him down and help get the ticks off, Captain Black took it upon himself to look after her, seizing her in his hands and rolling forward, crashing directly into Origami and sending them all tumbling away. The three then crashed into Eris, taking her along for the ride. In the end, the four of them ended up in a heap on the floor right in front of Prometheus and the two Hestias, who had moved to the sidelines to watch the fight unfold.

"Hang on!" Jackie shouted as they landed, picking ticks one by one off a whimpering Tohru as Vanessa and Zhixin tried to strike at the two. "We're coming!"

"Why don't you just give it up now, Prometheus?" Eris hissed from underneath Captain Black. "The power of Athena will be mine, and Hestia will help me bring back the good old days! And my first act will be punishing you and all of mankind for your atrocities!"

"You're one to talk, lady!" Captain Black argued as they struggled to pull themselves apart. "If anybody needs a lesson in crime and punishment, it's you!"

As they continued to argue, the cloth wall inched its way closer, beginning to wrap around them. Its images were clearer now, but would have been too difficult to discern even if they had been paying attention.

"Okay, Tohru, you're all good...Jade!" Jackie yelled, looking up just as he plucked the last tick from Tohru's body. "Look out for that...that thing!"

Vanessa and Zhixin were utterly flummoxed as Jackie leapt straight up, then slammed his hands down on top of Vanessa's head like he was playing leapfrog to bounce over her and reach his niece. Just before he could reach, though, the cloth, now a thick blanket embroidered with images of its victims, had completely engulfed them. There was just enough time for everybody in the heap to scream before the blanket collapsed, empty.

"Where'd they go?!" Jackie demanded, his voice rising in pitch. He hadn't been this worried about Jade since she'd been accidentally banished to the Demon Netherworld.

"If I had to guess…" a shaky voice said.

Jackie turned to Tohru, and saw that while the massive man was covered in welts, he seemed otherwise unharmed. However, his entire body was still trembling, including the hand that was currently pointing towards the wall. Jackie whipped right back around and gaped at the strange tapestry hanging on the wall, one that hadn't been there a few moments before. It showed Jade, Captain Black, Prometheus, Eris, and Kasahara standing before a couple of tables, with an unfamiliar figure holding a gavel and balance glaring at all of them from atop a high three-legged seat.

"...I'd say in court."

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PA2: And that's a wrap! For now at least. Yep, this one's a two-parter!

 _MP: It was already a two-parter. Now it's more._

PA2: Well, our vision was that every two chapters would be roughly one episode, so in terms of the "show", it is just a two-parter.

 _MP: That "two chapters an episode" rule will soon be broken, too. And really-*needle scratch* Kath Soucie! That's Hestia's voice!_

PA2: Works for me. So, preview?

 _MP: Absolutely. Take it, PA2._

PA2: As heroes and villains alike make their way through Uncle's lair, who knows what further trials they shall have to overcome? Come back for Chapter 5: Turnabout Tapestry, to find out!


	5. Turnabout Tapestry

PA2: Welcome back to Olympian Journey, everybody, and sorry about the wait!

 _MP: I know it's been a long time, but we never stopped working...you know, for more than a week or two. We're not robots!_

PA2: Ostensibly.

 _MP: Oh, please. I've_ seen _you kill people (best Rosh Hashanah ever!). No way you subscribe to Asimov's Three Laws. But that's beside the point._

PA2: ...I'd have more to say, but let's not keep our readers waiting any longer. Enjoy the chapter, everybody!

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 **Jackie Chan Adventures: Olympian Journey**

 **Chapter 5: Turnabout Tapestry**

The cloth gave an audible _snap_ as it tossed its contents onto the floor. Jade, Captain Black, Prometheus, Eris, and Kasahara were all sent skidding across a highly polished hardwood floor, where they crashed into a pair of mahogany tables.

"Ugh," Eris groaned, rubbing her head as she stood. "What a way to travel."

"Tch," Jade said, surprised to find herself agreeing with the goddess. "Whoever said 'happiness is a warm blanket' never had to deal with _that_."

As the group got to their feet and brushed themselves off, they suddenly heard a loud "Ahem!" from behind them. Quickly turning, the entire group paled at the sight of the ten-foot woman looking down at them from her mahogany desk. She was a stern figure, her short hair full of rigid curls, her harsh, angular face striking rather than beautiful. She was wearing only a black robe, and both of her muscular arms were outstretched, one wielding a gavel, the other a balancing scale. The most disturbing thing about her, though, was that everyone present could feel the weight of her glare on them, even though she was wearing a blindfold.

"Oh, no," Prometheus and Eris groaned, their hands flying to their foreheads in unison.

Meanwhile, off to the side, Hestia was seated in a paneled jury box, looking around in confusion. "How did I recombine…?" she muttered, before looking up and noticing the giant woman. Instantly, her face broke into a smile. "Oh! It's-"

"The jury shall refrain from commenting until they are addressed by the court," the woman said, her voice cold and empty of emotion as she turned her glare onto Hestia. Hestia frowned and went silent.

In a swirl of light, two more massive women materialized directly in front of the blindfolded woman's desk. The first was a pale, rubenesque woman with curly brown hair down past her waist. Seated at a small, three-legged stool, she cast her watchful green eyes all around the room, then picked up a quill and an immensely long scroll and began writing. The second was a dark-haired, dark-eyed, very muscular woman who sent ferocious glares at all of them-in her case without a blindfold. Her clothing was tight and dark, the only splash of color the broken chariot wheel she wore as a pendant, and she brandished a bloodstained broadsword.

"Court is now in session!" the dark-eyed woman barked. Everyone present, save for the other giant women, straightened their spines at the sound of her voice. "The honorable judge Themis presiding! All rise!"

Captain Black and Jade gave confused looks, but Prometheus yanked them upward. Eris did the same with Kasahara.

The woman at the bench, clearly named Themis, nodded. "You may be seated," she said, gesturing to the tables. The five sat down, Eris and Kasahara at one table, Prometheus, Jade, and Captain Black at the other.

"'Themis'..." Captain Black repeated in a whisper. He turned to Prometheus. "The same Themis you mentioned earlier?"

"Exactly," Prometheus whispered back. He rubbed his temples, exasperated. "And Nemesis and Mnemosyne, too. Oh, I had a feeling this might happen, but I shrugged it off. It seemed so unlikely!"

"That what might happen?" Jade demanded. "That a giant cloth would snatch us up and stick us in the hot seat?"

"Pretty much, yes," Prometheus said with a shrug. "Can you blame me for thinking it was unlikely?"

"Silence in the court!" Themis demanded, banging her gavel. "We will now commence a trial that has been a long time coming: the case of Divinity vs. Humanity. Representing divinity will be Eris, Goddess of Discord."

"Yeah, I'm not crazy about courtrooms or laws," Eris replied through pursed lips. The way she picked at her hair and breathed through her teeth, she almost seemed...nervous? "Way too much-ugh- _order_ for my taste. How about we table this until-"

"This case has waited long enough!" Themis snapped. "Representing humanity will be Prometheus, the Titan of Forethought!"

"Really, Themis," Prometheus objected, "this is hardly the time to-"

"It most certainly is!" Themis interrupted. "You were both arguing about it not two minutes ago! It is time to settle this once and for all!"

"Pardon me, your honor," Kasahara spoke up. He alone seemed to be maintaining his poise in their new predicament, folding his hands (for once not literally) and staring Themis in the eyes...sort of. "But you have not mentioned which side is prosecution and which is defense. Whose fate is at stake?"

"Both!" the Titaness of Justice sneered. "Humanity and divinity alike will be both plaintiff and defendant! You will present your arguments to the court, whereupon our jury shall decide which representatives gave the best case, and any and all found guilty will be executed, courtesy of Nemesis."

The bailiff gave a toothy grin, running her fingers down her sword as she did.

"I see," Kasahara gulped. "So it is more of a debate than a trial, as it were."

"In a manner of speaking, yes," Themis acknowledged. "But it is still an act of justice, and as such falls under my purview."

"Seems a waste of time," Eris pointed out. "We can't even bring any witnesses but these three humans."

"Speak ill of my courtroom again and I will hold you in contempt of court," Themis warned. "True, there are limits to our witnesses, but, thanks to our stenographer Mnemosyne, we have the entire history of the universe as evidence. Simply pick a time and place and it shall be viewed."

At her words, two massive tapestries descended from the walls behind her. The first looked like a stained glass window of a church, displaying images of the gods bestowing blessings on mankind and each other. The colors were pastel hues against earth tones, creating an attractive contrast. The other looked like something out of a comic book in its style, showing smug, cartoonishly exaggerated gods sneering at mortals as the gods engaged in wild debauchery. This one's colors were shadowy, with sparse lighting emphasizing the twisted faces, both of the gods' disdain and the humans' misery. Despite their differences, both tapestries were of the highest quality, as if they were windows or television screens rather than collections of colored thread.

"Those tapestries…" Eris sighed, staring at the works. "Figures we can't get away from her," she said to herself.

"And what about tall, dark, and angry over there?" Jade asked, gesturing towards the final woman.

"My bailiff is here to ensure that no violence occurs within the courtroom. And Nemesis is _extremely_ good at her job," Themis said. At the mention of her name, the goddess brandished her sword and gave another terrifying grin.

"Now, if there are no further questions-" Themis began, only to be interrupted by Captain Black clearing his throat.

"Forgive me, your Honor, but I…" he began, only to trail off as he felt the full force of Themis's glare settling on him. With an audible gulp, he continued, "I do have one question. How is it that you're all here? The impression I had was that the gods and Titans were all…"

"Dead?" Themis said. "I suppose we are, in quite a few senses. But death is never so cut and dry, especially with the divine."

"Huh?" Captain Black said, prompting a sigh from Prometheus.

"Remember how I mentioned the Olympian powers absorbing the remnants of the other deities?" he asked. "This is the same thing. But while Zeus just got extra wind powers, Athena-"

"Made a little hidey-hole for her friends in the back of her head," Eris interrupted. "But it's a stopgap at best; I'm sure you've already started unraveling by now."

"Hence the need for urgency," Mnemosyne said, speaking for the first time. Her voice was a hissing whisper that carried throughout the massive room. She gestured to the hem of her rich sea-green robe, decorated with symbols of the mind and the arts. Indeed, it was already coming undone, its threads slowly coming loose and then disappearing into the air. "If my memory is to end, then it will end with justice finally being done."

"That said, I now officially call the court to order," Themis said, banging her gavel against the desk. "Divinity, your opening statement?"

"Oh, I'll give you some opening statements…" Eris mutered, slowly drawing herself up. However, she was interrupted by Kasahara laying a hand on her arm.

"Allow me, Lady Eris," Kasahara said, stepping forward and straightening his purple kimono. Looking Themis directly in what would be her eyes, he said, "Your Honor, lady of the jury, we of divinity contend that not only do the vast majority of mortals deserve to be wiped from existence, but also that their overall decline can be directly tied to the downfall of Olympus. Many of the worst atrocities in Earth's history came about following the gods' rule, even ignoring the brutal and pointless massacre that ended the age. Time and time again mortals have proven incapable of ruling themselves or of protecting the world from their petty desires and whims. The evidence will show that not only were mankind's greatest achievements brought about by the gods, but that the only acceptable solution is to wipe the slate clean and start once more. Thank you."

Eris actually applauded this statement. As Kasahara sat down, she whispered to him, "Well done."

"Thank you, Lady Eris," he said with a nod. "I have been an acting defendant more than once. However, I shall require _you_ for evidence. You are one of the only witnesses we have, and your input will be invaluable."

"Count on it," Eris said, cracking her knuckles. "By the time we've laid out the case, they'll be _begging_ us to wipe them out."

"Now, Humanity, your opening statement?" Themis said. Prometheus made to get up, only to be stopped by Captain Black.

"If _you_ give our opening statement, then that plays right into their argument," he whispered. "Let me handle it." He got to his feet and stared Themis down.

"Your Honor, and lady of the jury," he said, blushing as Hestia made eye contact. "I intend to prove today that humanity's rebellion of the gods was not only justified, but the natural progression of things. Just as the Titans supplanted Ouranos and the gods replaced the Titans, humanity only took its place as the new ruling race. Furthermore, I shall prove that humanity's act was, in fact, a long time coming, and that the gods were by no accounts innocent. Like a rebellion rises against a dictator, so too did humanity rise against the gods. Thank you."

Prometheus and Jade applauded as Captain Black sat back down, the former whispering, "Good start. But it's what comes next that matters."

"Divinity!" Themis called. "You may make your first arguments!"

Eris bared her mismatched teeth. "Oh, it will be my pleasure…"

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"Jade! Hold on! I'll get you out of there!" shouted Jackie as he frantically tugged at the tapestry showing his niece. Unfortunately, his efforts were coming to naught, as the fabric refused to budge.

Tohru, meanwhile, was running his blowfish over the tapestry, frowning at the greenish-gray glow it was producing. "I've never seen a spell like this before," he said, almost to himself. "I wouldn't even know how to start undoing it. I suppose the best guess would be to depower sensei. With luck, his spells will be undone in the process."

"Not surprising," said Vanessa, currently leaning up against a nearby wall. Zhixin was standing next to her, studying some of the other tapestries. "If the old man's going whole hog on the weaving stuff, it makes sense that his spells would be tightly stitched."

"I'll say," Zhixin said. "I haven't seen spellwork this intricate since the Lotus Temple. It is honestly remarkable."

"What are you still doing here?!" Jackie snapped, turning to face the two thieves. "Just leave!"

"Well, we would, but our boss and associate are trapped there too," Vanessa said with a sneer. "And while this may surprise you, we actually would prefer having the both of them around."

"Ancient wisdom," Zhixin said with a nod. "The strength of the wolf is the pack."

"That's not ancient!" Jackie objected. "It's from _The Jungle Book_!"

"The book was written in 1894," Zhixin countered. "Seems fairly ancient to me."

"That may be the most pointless academic flaunting I have _ever_ heard," Vanessa sighed. "Look, Chan, let's skip the trivia and cut to the chase; you need some extra muscle. We can't steal the power without Eris. And all of us want to get out of here. You see where I'm going with this?"

"Do you _really_ expect us to trust you?" Tohru growled.

"No, but I _expect_ you to give us some credit. We don't have a reason to turn on you until the old man's defeated or the boss gets back; trust in _that_ ," Vanessa said, rolling her eyes. However, as she did, her eyes focused on Jackie. "Oh, and to help your decision…"

Vanessa flung her whip. Jackie flinched, but it flew over his shoulder at an approaching cloth mummy, knocking it back. Jackie turned in shock to see an army of them pouring into the room, their images flowing onto the walls before they suddenly burst out. "Truce?" the thief said, bearing a Cheshire cat grin.

Jackie grit his teeth and nodded, tumbling to attack the advancing army. Tohru cleared the majority of them aside, barreling through them, leaving Zhixin, Jackie, and Vanessa to clean up the leftovers. Still, more kept pouring out.

"Forget them!" Tohru ordered. "We need to find sensei!"

"As much as I hate to agree with Tubby over here, he has a point," Vanessa grumbled. "So, has anyone got any ideas for getting there fast? I _really_ don't want to deal with three more floors of this nonsense."

"Ancient wisdom," Zhixin said with a smirk. "Do not try to unravel the knot; simply cut it."

"Easier said than done," Tohru said. "Sensei's spells are woven all over this place. If we want to blast our way straight to the top-"

His speech was cut off by Zhixin blasting upward with both hands. The fabric tore open, hanging limply over them. Zhixin couldn't have looked more smug-for all of five seconds. After that, the multitude of spiders poured in.

"Wonderful," Jackie groaned as the knitted creatures, each one the size of a small dog, descended into the room. " _More_ things to try to kill us."

"Seriously, Zhixin, what the heck? You _saw_ Kasahara try that already!" Vanessa snapped.

"How was I supposed to know that every crevice in this place would be full of spiders?!" Zhixin snapped back as he proceeded to blast the creatures one after another. The spiders let out tiny shrieks as they were disintegrated. But for each spider destroyed, three more came to take its place.

"You know, that's a good point. It's not like we're dealing with the goddess who created the things!" Vanessa growled, quickly teleporting around the room to avoid the descending swarm. "Oi, big guy, any ideas?"

The only answer she got was the sound of Tohru's clattering teeth; the massive man was paralyzed at the sight of the army of spiders descending from the ceiling.

"Of course," Vanessa sighed, before turning to Jackie. "What about you, Chan?"

"I think it's clear that Uncle doesn't like cheating," Jackie replied. He was trying with all of his might to push Tohru along, but the massive man wouldn't budge easily. It was like moving an elephant. "We just need to power through these next few floors and hope the others can last that long."

"Ugh, fine," Vanessa groaned, staring at the exit before joining Jackie in pushing Tohru. She cast Zhixin an impatient look, and he joined them. "After that plane ride, I think the boss can deal with a little magical confinement."

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"I call Prometheus to the stand!" Eris declared.

Themis nodded and, in a flash of light, Prometheus was sitting in the box next to her. Rather than look surprised, he seemed fairly annoyed. "I know where this is going," he muttered, rolling his eyes.

"Yes, yes," Eris snapped. "You predict things. But I think we can agree that your memory is selective at best! Now, do you swear on the River Styx to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"

"I swear that I shall as long as I sit within this box," Prometheus replied with a smirk.

Eris rolled her eyes at his loophole. "Mnemosyne," she asked, "how do I show the past?"

"Simply think it, and the tapestry will show you," Mnemosyne mumbled, constantly writing throughout.

Eris smiled as the tapestry depicting the gods' glory rewove itself. Now, it displayed a moving image of Prometheus in nothing but a loincloth, his hair dark and full, his body in its prime, and his abdomen uninjured. The real Prometheus sighed with pleasure at his old, handsome self, as Eris began her argument.

"You were once a trusted advisor to the Titans, correct?" Eris asked the real Prometheus, a wicked smile growing...on her belly.

"Yes, I was," Prometheus said with a sigh. "I advised the Titans on how best to conduct the war against the Olympians. When they started ignoring me, I jumped ship hoping for a little more appreciation."

"Hah! A likely...no, wait, yeah, that's what I was going for," Eris said, rapidly losing steam.

"I can't deceive the judge, but I _can_ take all the fun out of this for you," Prometheus said smugly.

"Very well, then," she said. "I'll skip ahead. After the war, Zeus entrusted you and your brother, Epimetheus, to recreate life on Earth, using a big bag of gifts. Can you explain what happened next?"

The tapestry shifted to show the ancient Prometheus, as well as a near-identical Titan crafting creatures from out of clay. The unfamiliar Titan, who was slightly less muscular, and lacked the cunning glint in his eyes, held a big bag over his shoulder and was throwing together what looked like a menagerie of serviceable creations. Prometheus, meanwhile, was carefully crafting a human from the clay, his work of distinctly higher quality.

"Epimetheus worked quickly and sloppily," Prometheus sneered. "He slapped together various creatures and handed out gifts like they were going out of style. I worked hard on a single creation in the shape of the gods. Unfortunately, Epimetheus had given away all the gifts before I was done. My poor creation had no way to survive."

"So what did you do next?" Eris demanded.

"I went to Zeus and asked for permission to grant my creation the use of fire so that they could actually survive. I pointed out that none of Epimetheus's creations could properly comprehend and worship as these beings could, and that their survival would be bountiful for the gods. Zeus acquiesced, but only in the most basic of sense; they received the practical use of fire, but not the divine inspiration that I was hoping for," Prometheus said calmly.

"And from then on, your name became synonymous with trickery and deceit!" Eris snapped. The mouth on her belly was moving around, now on her back, and it licked her shoulders.

"Objection!" Captain Black shouted, standing up. "Divinity has not provided sufficient evidence to support that claim!"

"Sustained," Themis said calmly. "Any accusations of that nature must wait until the evidence has been _properly_ presented in court. That said, if you have said evidence, you may present it now."

"You better believe I'll present it!" Eris growled. The tapestry shifted again, showing Prometheus before Zeus with two plates-one holding a grotesque stomach, the other a shiny pile of animal fat.

"You tricked Zeus into allowing humans the best part of the animals for themselves, leaving only bones and entrails for us! Is that not so?"

"Yes, it is," Prometheus said. "I was frustrated with Zeus hampering my creation and wanted to get back at him. Didn't think he'd take away their fire altogether for the insult, but that just made me more certain of my next move."

"Your next move being the theft of flame from the Sacred Hearth, I presume?" Eris asked snidely. As she spoke, the tapestry was altered again, displaying Prometheus huddled in a cloak sneaking down the side of Mount Olympus, a brightly glowing stalk of fennel held in his hand.

"Yes indeed," Prometheus replied, simply. "I was doing what I thought necessary to preserve my creation. And if that meant betraying the gods, then so be it."

"As I said, synonymous with treachery and deceit," Eris said triumphantly. "And do you claim that this was an act of pure selflessness?"

"No, I do not," Prometheus said calmly.

"Okay, seriously? You're not even going to try to get out of the box?" Eris muttered disappointedly.

"I'm not a fool, Eris, and neither are you," Prometheus said. "This case is more important than maintaining our dignity or our illusions. Yes, I did it selfishly; I saw humanity as a representation of myself, and I wanted them to exceed the gods. I thought that if they became superior, then it would mean that _I_ was superior. My reasoning was selfish, duplicitous, and built on the same disdain for humanity that I accused the gods of possessing. But I still stand by my actions; from my place of hypocrisy, humans have risen to heights beyond what I could have imagined."

As he spoke, the other tapestry also began reweaving itself. Its image shifted, and displayed humans building cities, inventing tools, and perfecting agriculture.

"My darker intentions do not negate humanity's brightest achievements," Prometheus continued, getting to his feet. "In fact, they only serve to undermine your case. After all, I _am_ divine. My more insidious actions only serve to show how bad the gods and Titans could be, even when trying to 'help' the mortals."

"But can you honestly say that humans would have gotten anywhere close to where they are now _without_ your intervention?" Eris asked, her mouth settling back on her face with a satisfied grin.

"...No, I cannot," Prometheus replied, sighing.

"No further questions, Your Honor," Eris said cheerily, turning away from the stand.

"Humanity, any questions for the witness?" Themis asked. Captain Black looked at Prometheus, watching as he subtly shook his head.

"No questions, Your Honor," Captain Black said. Themis nodded, then gestured to Humanity's side of the courtroom, whereupon Prometheus reappeared there in a flash of light.

"So, was that good or bad for us?" Jade whispered as the Titan settled back into his seat.

"Could go either way," Prometheus replied. "I'm sure being honest won us some points with Hestia, but Eris definitely landed a solid blow with that last question."

"Do you think we should put Eris on the stand?" Captain Back asked.

"Not yet," Prometheus said. "We can trust her to be honest, but we don't have a strong enough foundation to risk using her now. We need to set up the groundwork first."

"Humanity!" Themis called, interrupting the group's discussion. "Present your first argument!"

"We call Kuniko Kasahara to the stand!" Jade announced. In a flash of light, Kasahara disappeared from his seat and reappeared next to Themis.

"Jade, what are you doing?" Captain Black hissed as Kasahara, mildly surprised but still collected, was sworn in.

"Don't worry," she answered. "I've got an idea." With that, Jade confidently strode up to the witness stand. "Mr. Kasahara," she began, "are you fully aware of Eris's plans for the world?"

"Yes," the thief said with a nod. "Lady Eris plans to use the powers of the Olympian gods to wipe the planet clean of humanity, thus allowing her to start again and avoid the mistakes that led to the downfall of the gods."

"I see," Jade said, smirking. "Although I have to say, I'm surprised you don't find that concerning. You're human, aren't'cha?"

"Much altered by magic, but yes," Kasahara stated. "And if you are trying to sow doubt in my mind, I'd suggest you stop now. My will is unbendable."

"Maybe, or maybe you're just scared it'll actually work," Jade replied. "After all, the gods don't have a very good track record of looking out for their followers. What makes you think you can trust someone who is literally the embodiment of chaos? She _says_ she'll reward you, but how do you _know_?"

"Trust," Kasahara said calmly. "Professional loyalty. And honor. You are right; there is no guarantee of Lady Eris's intentions. For all I and my compatriots know, she plans to end us along with the rest of humanity."

"Hey! Watch your-" Eris began to say before Kasahara cut her off.

"HOWEVER," he went on, "we follow her anyway, and we will continue to do so. My...associate Zhixin would probably say some obtuse spin on 'There's no honor among thieves', but for people like us, there _is_ honor, and there is trust. Perhaps simply trust that we will not be betrayed until it makes sense, but it is still trust. Besides, I would rather work for Lady Eris and risk betrayal than turn on her and ensure it."

"...Um, you sure, dude?" Jade asked, her poise thrown off by Kasahara's speech. "Because that sounds kinda...well, stupid."

"That's because it is," said Eris, who was drumming her fingers on the table. "I mean, I'm thankful and all, but you really don't have any guarantees. Who's to say I'm not just biding my time until you stop being useful?"

"That is a choice that you have to make," Kasahara said calmly. "It is not my place to judge."

Eris groaned. "Why do you have to be so earnest about it?" she muttered. "Really kills my motivation." Out loud she said, "Alright, here's my decision. I, Eris, do of my own volition swear on the River Styx that should my plan succeed, not only will I spare Zhixin, Vanessa Barone, and Kuniko Kasahara from the destruction of humanity, but I will also elevate them to divine status." Her words were marked by a thunderclap and a sudden drenching of her hair with murky black water.

"...Okay, didn't see that one coming," Prometheus said, his mouth hanging open.

"Well, duh," Eris snapped. "You can never predict _anything_ I do!" With that, she switched her hands and feet and did cartwheels around the courtroom.

Jade was equally shocked, but quickly regained her composure. "I see. In that case, let's move on to another subject." The tapestry shifted, displaying a fresco of thirteen men at a table. "You, shall we say, _dabble_ in the art world, right?"

Kasahara snorted. "If you mean 'was I an art thief?', then yes."

"Right. Can you tell me what this is?" Jade asked, pointing to the tapestry.

"That's The Last Supper, by Da Vinci."

"Good," Jade said as the image switched to a handsome, naked sculpture. "And this one?"

"Michelangelo's David."

The scene altered again, showing a three-part, very detailed painting of a garden. "And this?"

"The Garden of Earthly Delights, by Heironymous Bosch," Kasahara pointed out. "Will you get to the point already?"

"What do all of these have in common?" Jade demanded.

"They're all Western artworks?" Kasahara replied, sounding unsure.

"No," Jade told him. "They were all created during the Renaissance."

The tapestry was altered yet again, showing a bright, bustling Italian city.

"Mr. Kasahara, do you know what 'renaissance' means?"

"It is French for 'rebirth'," Kasahara sneered. "What is your point?"

"Yes, I was wondering that, myself," Themis said, flaring her nostrils. "Please, get to it."

"My point is that it was, like, one of the proudest times in human history!" Behind Jade, the tapestry flashed with images. "People learned to read again! They embraced the arts and sciences again! People crawled out of the mud and worked together to make the whole world a better place! Isn't all of that true?"

Kasahara glared back, but still answered, "I suppose so, yes."

"And do you agree that mankind has progressed significantly since then?"

"Yes."

"So, to restate," Jade said with a smirk, "humanity has been making progress for hundreds of years-arguably much _more_ progress than the gods ever made!"

"Objection!" Eris roared. "That is pure speculation!"

"Sustained," Themis said, slamming down her mallet. Mnemosyne crossed out a few lines on her scroll.

"Okay, okay," Jade said, backing up. "But there's no denying that humanity has accomplished a lot since we got rid of the gods. And, considering how much they progressed _before_ destroying the gods, without them holding us back with random acts of cruelty, then I think you gotta conclude that humanity's better off without 'em! Isn't that right, Kasahara?"

"...I cannot argue with the logic in that argument," Kasahara said through gritted teeth.

Jade smirked. "No further questions, Your Honor," she said as she walked back to her side and exchanged high fives with Captain Black.

"Divinity, you may now cross-examine the witness," Themis pointed out.

Eris rolled her eyes-out of her head, then back in-and stepped forward.

"My apologies, Lady Eris," Kasahara whispered. "I was bound by my vow."

"Not a problem," Eris hissed with a smirk. "I've got this." She spoke louder, addressing the room. "Mr. Kasahara, has humanity achieved world peace?"

Kasahara snorted. "Not unless it has happened in the last ten minutes."

"So we can assume not."

"Objection!" Jade shouted, jumping out of her seat. "Speculation!" Seeing the looks on everyone's faces, Jade frowned and pointed to Eris. "What? It worked for her!"

"Overruled!" Themis barked. "Return to your seat!" As Eris sneered, Themis then turned her attention towards her. "However, it will be advised that both sides consult our stenographer in the future in order to receive the most accurate possible information. Is that understood?"

"Fine, fine," Eris muttered sulkily. "Can't even make a joke around here without someone flipping out...Okay, for the sake of authenticity, let's ask her. Have the humans achieved world peace since we've been in here?" she asked, turning to the Titaness of Memory.

"They have not," said Mnemosyne quietly.

"Okay then. So there's still war going on." She turned back to her witness. "Mr. Kasahara, are people still dying of starvation when food is readily available?"

"They are." Kasahara started to smile.

"And do they die of lack of proper medical treatment when it could be obtained, had they simply had more money?"

"Certainly." Kasahara's grin grew broader.

"And, as you yourself are a self-described thief, I can assume that theft is still common?"

"Yes, very much."

Eris crossed her arms under a smug grin. "Then it seems to me that humanity has not improved nearly as much as they claim. Their science has advanced, certainly. Their culture is broader, absolutely. And their technology is objectively better than ever. But at their core, humans are as rotten, greedy, and cruel as they've ever been, and no amount of fancy toys or pretty pictures will change that. Ergo, the little girl's argument is rendered moot. Humanity has _not_ progressed in the least. In fact, they have arguably grown _worse_ , as I plan to show with the following evidence," Eris said, forestalling a statement from Prometheus.

"Provided that the evidence is sufficient, the court will allow that statement to stand," Themis said. "Now begin your presentation."

"With pleasure," Eris replied, rubbing her hands together as the tapestries started to glow. "Now, pardon any mistakes on my part; I've been stuck in an urn for several hundred years, so I'm not quite up to speed on current events. But I did a little research on that cramped metal tube, and I'm sure the witness can fill in the blanks. And if he can't, that's what we have magic screens for, right?"

"Oh come on! You seriously expect us to just accept a testimony like that?" Prometheus snorted.

"We shall allow it," Themis said, "provided that following the completion of the witness's testimony, any and all factual errors will be addressed by our stenographer and by Humanity's council to ensure that the court has all the correct information. Now, please begin."

"Ugh, fine," Eris groaned. "You want to use your precious time for that, be my guest. Anyway, let's start with Exhibit A: The Crusades…"

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In spite of the biting cloth spiders, the group made their way onward. Jackie and Vanessa were quick to climb through the hole from Zhixin's blast. Vanessa cast down her whip and hauled her companion through, and then sent it down for Tohru. With the trio's combined strength it was just barely enough to pull the big man through. If only the Talismans were still around...

"Halfway there," Jackie panted. "If we can just get Tohru to Uncle, we can steal the chi-o-matic and end this."

"Ancient wisdom," Zhixin sighed, holding his chest. "The wise deer is always wary of hunters."

Vanessa glared at him, holding up her rather large chin. "We _know_ , old man! And we don't need to keep hearing your nonsensical koans! Now come on! We've got one floor to go and the booby traps are likely the worst yet!"

As the quartet dashed down the new hallway, this one decorated with grotesque images of a bronze shield embossed with a monstrous face, a subtle sound came to their ears. It was reminiscent of hissing, but seemed to have a more...metallic edge to it.

"Keep your guard up," Jackie told the rest of the group. "One of Athena's sacred animals was the snake."

"I thought the owl was her only symbol," Zhixin muttered.

"If so, then we've got this handled," Vanessa said confidently. "I've plundered Egyptian tombs and trudged through the Amazon. Any snake I meet will become a fashionable new belt."

The three approached a tarp at the end of the hall, one marked with a snake biting his tail.

"Ouroboros…" Jackie whispered.

"What does it mean?" Tohru queried, staring at the symbol.

"Ouroboros was the symbol of beginnings and endings," Jackie explained. "Life and death as one continuous circle...it's like Uncle is taunting us. Telling us that no matter how far we go, it will never be enough."

"So the old man has some snark," Vanessa said with a shrug. "I can respect that. Now let's go!"

With a sneer, she swept the tarp aside and marched in, leaving the rest to follow her. Upon entry, the group was greeted by another troop of cloth mummies wielding a variety of weapons.

"Oh, more of these fools?" she snapped, before launching at them, jabbing the first in the face with one of her high heels. She bounced off, knocking it over, then snapped her whip and wrapped it around a second soldier, then sent it spinning into a third. Following her lead, Tohru stampeded through the squadron, knocking them aside, their weapons falling to the floor. Jackie took the opportunity to grab a couple of shields and leap into the fray, ramming mummies on all sides.

The remaining mummies readied their weapons as the fallen ones seized theirs and struggled to their feet. One with a large battle-ax came at Tohru, but the big man caught the mummy and tossed it back into the crowd, but as he did, the soldiers swarmed around him, seizing him from all sides and throwing him over a group of mummies holding up spears. Tohru screamed at his oncoming impalement, before being suddenly shot off-course. Zhixin smirked and blew the smoke off of his palm, then rejoined the fight, but the mummies were regaining strength.

"Let me take care of this," Zhixin said, holding up both hands, both now engulfed in a green light. To his shock, Jackie tackled him aside and knocked him to the (thankfully soft) floor.

"You can't kill them!" Jackie warned. "They're just tourists!"

"Those sentences contradict each other," Zhixin huffed, but Jackie continued glaring at him. "Fine, then what do _you_ recommend?"

Rather than answer, Jackie leapt back into the fight, grabbing on to the end of Vanessa's whip and moving to the opposite side of the room. He ran forward, urging her to do the same, and knocked the whole squadron off their feet once more. Still, the mummies continued to rise, and one of them used its broadsword to slice the whip in two.

"Do you have any idea how much that cost?!" Vanessa demanded, smashing her foot into the slave's mummified face.

"There has to be a way to stop them!" Jackie panicked. As Zhixin started to smirk, Jackie immediately added, "Non-lethally!"

"I might be able to adapt a spell," Tohru announced. He hadn't moved since his fall, his huge size taking up nearly a quarter of the room just sitting there in the corner, his spell kit open. "But I will need time-and it may cost us in the long run."

"There won't _be_ a long run if we don't get through!" Vanessa snapped. "Just do it!"

The three took a new, defensive formation in front of Tohru as he worked, with Vanessa snapping what was left of her whip to disarm the troops, and Jackie and Zhixin each holding a shield to protect her. Moment by moment they inched closer as Tohru whipped together a mixture of duck feet, moray eel teeth, monkfish eggs, horse saliva, squid ink, and olive oil.

"Hurry up, Plus-Size!" Vanessa snapped. The mummy army now had them totally cornered, weapons of all sorts ready to skewer, pummel, and/or slice them to bits. "Just because there's more of you to stab doesn't mean we can wait!"

Tohru growled and whipped out a sheet of parchment and a paintbrush, then painted a character using his concoction and softly chanted.

" _Echthroí, akinitopoiíste! Echthroí, akinitopoiíste! Echthroí, akinitopoiíste…"_

The scroll began to glow bright green, and Tohru used one hand to brush his three comrades behind him, the other brandishing the scroll in the bandage-covered faces of the oncoming mummies.

"Immobilizer scroll!" he shouted, clenching his other hand into a tight fist. There was a bright flash of green light as the spell activated, blinding the others and burning away the scroll itself.

Cautiously, the others poked their heads out from behind the enormous chi wizard, before breathing a sigh of relief. The mummies had frozen in their tracks.

"Tohru," Jackie gasped, "did you just duplicate one of Lo Pei's scroll spells- _and_ mix it with Greek magic!?"

"Sort of," Tohru sighed. "It still burned out after one use, and I doubt it will last as long as it should."

"Take it from me, Plus-Size," Vanessa said, clapping Tohru on the shoulder. "As someone who did a lot of training to get to where she is today, any progress is progress well made."

"...Why are you giving me compliments?" Tohru asked, slightly bewildered.

"Because I just _love_ the expression on the old weasel's face," she chuckled. Indeed, Zhixin had not only turned an impressive shade of red from envy, but the grinding of his teeth was audible clear across the room. She knelt down and took a lightweight longsword, comparing it to her whip before casting the latter aside. "Besides, you're our last hope of draining the old man's powers, and I don't want you crying on me."

"Well, I am afraid there is also bad news," Tohru said, sweating as he laced his fingers. "You see...I used up all of our olive oil on that spell."

"You used all of it on _one_ spell?!" Jackie gasped. "You had a whole bottle!"

"It spilled!" Tohru cried, putting a hand to his forehead. " _You_ try mixing up a new spell that quickly, especially when you also have to adapt it! I told you that it may cost us in the long run! Now I may not be able to cast the exorcism spell, even _with_ the chi-o-matic!"

"Well, there's no turning back now, Tiny!" Vanessa snapped. "You'll have to whip something up on the way!"

As she spoke, the metallic hissing from before started up again, even louder now. It was clear to them that the sound was coming from above, just up the staircase.

"I do not like the sound of that," Tohru said, a shiver running down his spine.

"Ancient wisdom," Zhixin agreed. "There is no greater barrier than fear."

"Good," Vanessa said, shoving him forward. "Then you won't mind taking point."

The old monk gulped and glared at Vanessa, but took the lead in marching up the long, winding staircase, holding his shield out in front of him. The mummies were already beginning to stir as they left, and the group wasted no time in charging upward.

After about a minute of running, they came to another heavy tarp, marked with an image of a shield embossed a with grotesque boar-like face, a nest of vipers serving as its hair. The hissing was louder than ever, despite the thick cloth that served as the walls.

"Well, this isn't ominous at all," Vanessa snarked.

"Ancient wisdom; to fear one's fate is to suffer it twice," Zhixin said calmly, prompting a glare from the relic hunter.

"In that case, I'm sure you'll have no problem taking the lead on this one," she replied. Zhixin just gave a sardonic smirk and nodded, stepping up to the door. One hand charged and glowing, Zhixin ripped the tarp aside and stepped through. As the tarp settled back over the door, there was a moment of utter silence before the air was pierced by a high, girlish scream, one that abruptly stopped. A few moments later, Zhixin toppled out of the room, his body stiff and ashen grey, and his face frozen in a picture of unmatched fear.

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PA2: And commercial break!

 _MP: That's the dream: Corporate sponsors._

PA2: Well, we may not have those, but we do have the next-best thing: Bonus content!

 _MP: We figured some chapters would end up shorter than others, and prepared ahead of time with some fun filler. So, you lucky readers, enjoy your first original myth!_

PA2: Or don't! It's optional! (But please do!)

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 **The First Heartbreak of Hephaestus**

In his youth, when he was being raised and nursed by the kindly Nereid Themis, She of the Silver Feet, the god of craftsmen Hephaestus was not quite so sullen and isolated. He would sometimes take leisurely walks across the land, limping from his forever-broken leg as he took in the wonders of the world around him.

During one of the these strolls, Hephaestus was making his way through a forest when he came upon a tree with the most unusual fruit. It hung low, beckoning him to pluck it. He took one, admiring its papery white skin before taking a bite. Its sweet, mild juice dripped down his throat, and he eagerly devoured the treat before reaching for another. He ate that one, too, and another after that. Soon half the tree was empty.

"Who are you to take my fruit?" demanded a nearby voice. A nymph emerged from the bushes, and Hephaestus took in her beauty. Her skin was milky white, and her hair shimmered just like the fruit's papery skin. But she glared at him with fury in her yellowy eyes.

Hephaestus could have told her that he was a great and powerful god who would one day take his rightful place on the Olympian Council, but, as he would claim when he told his story, he did not wish for his mother Hera to yet know of his existence. The truth was much simpler: he was tongue-tied by the nymph's beauty.

"Answer me, vagrant!" the nymph ordered, glaring at the cripple before her.

"I-I am but a wanderer," Hephaestus finally managed to mumble, staring at the ground as he did. "My name is Hephaestus. Please forgive me. Your fruit was just so delicious."

The nymph's anger abated, but still she kept a cruel glare on the traveler as he continued to speak. He was an ugly soul, his arms much too long and his legs much too short, with one shoulder much higher than the other. His face looked like it had been pounded in, and his too-big nose pressed upward, exposing his hairy nostrils. Most of his face was dominated by a thick black beard that could never be untangled.

"Please, this fruit is beyond compare, as is your beauty! Be my wife, and I promise you will not regret it!"

The dryad laughed in his face, a cruel, mocking tone that the god would never forget. "Marry _you_?" she cackled. "Never in my most ferocious of nightmares would I be the bride of such a disgusting creature as yourself! Begone from my sight, you wretch, and never again soil my fruit with your grasping hands!"

Hephaestus burst into tears, which dripped down and stung his face. Turning away from the cruel nymph, he still refused to speak of his true identity. But he would not go quietly. The god of craftsmen walked over to the tree and, ignoring the nymph's protests, seized it by the trunk and, with his godly strength, shoved it deep into the ground, burying the fruit where he would never have to look at it, crying all the while. His tears soaked the ground and tainted the fruit, turning their sweet, mild juice as sharp and painful as his tears. With that, Hephaestus took his leave, refusing to turn back to the enraged nymph.

That nymph's name was Onion, and now her fruit brings tears to everyone, just as she did to Hephaestus.

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PA2: Aw, doesn't that just warm your heart? No one died for once!

 _MP: They were just banished beneath the earth where only their hair can poke out!_

PA2: Hey, she was already a plant, so that's still a pretty good fate for spurning a god.

 _MP: You and I need to have a serious talk about vocal tone. I was clearly cheerful. Anyway, that's all for now, but we're hard at work. Of course, faves, follows, and reviews may motivate us to go faster._

PA2: And, in the meantime, feel free to check out our other fics. We've gotten good reviews for our Miraculous Ladybug stories. And, of course, give some attention to our good friend Green Phantom Queen. But for now-

 _MP: So long, farewell, auf wiedersehn, goodbye!_


	6. Wise Guys

_MP: Much like that stray cat outside my sister's house, we just keep coming back!_

PA2: I swear your analogies get odder every time...anyway, the point is we're finally here with the last part of the Athena saga!

 _MP: In the show this would be a two-parter, a rarity outside season finales. But there was just so much we had to include!_

PA2: And so much we had to drop. But that's just the way things are, I suppose.

 _MP: People who say things like that are the main reason things don't change. But that's a conversation for another day. In the meantime, enjoy this here chapter!_

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 **Jackie Chan Adventures: Olympian Journey**

 **Chapter 6: Wise Guys**

"Kasahara, I don't know how much more of this I can take," Eris whispered. The two of them were sitting down, watching Prometheus pace in front of Themis, a look of academic outrage on his face. He and Mnemosyne had started pointing out inaccuracies as soon as she was done questioning Kasahara, and they had yet to stop.

"Lady Eris, it's been approximately twenty minutes," Kasahara stated calmly. "If they don't finish soon, we can motion for-"

Eris growled, "Stop with the me-damned lawyer talk! Bad enough we're stuck here, but dealing with this on top of it? If he doesn't wrap it up soon then Nemesis is going to have to pry me off of that blowhard with her mostly dead hands!"

Nemesis didn't bother to respond to Eris's little threat except with a roll of her eyes. Clearly, this wasn't the first time she had heard something like this.

"Come on," Jade groaned, practically slumped over. "At this rate, Prometheus can just run a hole through the floor with the way he's pacing! And he's not even helping our case, just fixing theirs!"

"Be patient, Jade," said Captain Black. "I'm sure Prometheus is just buying time to develop our strategy."

"Which will mean jack squat if Uncle Jackie and Tohru are getting their butts whooped by Uncle right now, so maybe he should hurry it up!"

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I agree with the mortal girl," Eris growled. "I want that divine essence, and these 'corrections' are a waste of my valuable time!"

"But not mine!" Themis snarled, banging her gavel. "And not Hestia's, either. Even the most minute of details can prove the difference between your argument's success or failure, so we _must_ have all the proper information! Furthermore, if any of you speak out of turn again, I'll hold you in contempt!"

Eris snarled and crossed her arms, and Prometheus continued.

"And finally, what they described as 'trophy hunting' is actually _beneficial_ to the African economy, and in small, controlled circumstances in fact _helps_ the continued existence of endangered species. Rhinoceros numbers have risen considerably in recent decades specifically because of this!" he said, all while Mnemosyne nodded in confirmation.

"Your objections are noted and sustained," Themis said with a nod. "Does the jury understand?"

Hestia had been staring off into space for a while now, but she blinked and nodded, not saying a word.

"Excellent. Now, does Divinity have any more to say on this extensive point?"

Eris gave a wicked smile. "Oh, yes," she sneered. "Your honor, I've saved the most heinous of man's atrocities for last. An invention so repugnant, so diabolical, so utterly despicable that it alone will surely convince you. I was unfortunate enough to suffer this abomination personally, and I shall tell you all about it."

The tapestry of the gods' glory shifted, and the entire court let out a gasp. Jade groaned, Prometheus slapped a hand to his forehead, and Captain Black grit his teeth in dismay.

The image was of the inside of a commercial airplane, economy class.

"These wicked humans charge a fortune for permission to travel on a cramped, disgusting tube that shoots through the sky!" Eris ranted. "They fondle you to search for weapons, which somehow includes _soap,_ then take all day to send you into this 'plane', where you are crammed in like grapes about to be juiced."

The side of Humanity could only watch as the images shifted to show exactly what Eris described, as Hestia was left staring in a cross between disgust and confusion.

"They then spend roughly an hour on the 'tarmac', just sitting there before _finally_ beginning the journey, whereupon you are treated to hours of recycled air, while left to near-starvation, given only tiny snacks and drinks on rare occasions. Entertainment _is_ provided, but it is of low quality, and costs extra," Eris continued, not noticing Jade, Captain Black, and Kasahara all exchanging puzzled looks.

"When the flight is finally over, after a long descent during which your eardrums nearly explode, you are then forced to wait again on this 'tarmac' before disembarking, and, I am told, must wait even longer to retrieve your possessions, which may have even been placed aboard the wrong vessel."

The goddess finished by crossing her arms, and the tapestry went back to its original image of divine glory. Still, the court was left speechless by this display.

"Hundreds of thousands of humans, if not more, inflict this horror upon themselves every day, for there are no other high-speed methods of travel. And I have heard that the employees are treated no better than the clients. Truly, humans should be utterly ashamed of this, and yet, they simply _aren't!_ They have just accepted it as unavoidable reality. Such wickedness cannot be allowed to stand. Thank you."

Themis nodded at this, her expression neutral. "Does Humanity have any sort of counterargument to this?" she asked.

"Not...particularly," Prometheus replied, his tone level even as he tugged on his suddenly damp collar.

"Understood," the Titaness of Justice said. "As Divinity appears to have finished, it is Humanity's turn to provide testimony."

"Very well," Prometheus said. He turned to Jade and Captain Black and shook his head. "Okay, so she's not wrong," he admitted. "But that's just one point. We can still win this." He turned back to Themis. "I call Captain Augustus Black to the stand."

Captain Black gave a confident smile and took the bench, giving a respectful nod to Themis.

"Do you swear on the River Styx to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?" Nemesis asked, glaring at the new witness.

"I do," Captain Black said, still smiling.

"Thank you, Captain Black," Prometheus said, smiling right back. "Now, would you please tell the court what you do for a living? And bear in mind that you are under oath."

Captain Black nodded. "I manage a covert government agency dedicated to stopping illegal and dangerous activity, both magical and non-mostly non these days," he added, cocking his head.

"So, would you say that the existence of your organization is representative of human values? That humanity values justice and morality, and polices itself for that reason?"

Captain Black's smile grew broader. "Very much so," he chuckled. "Humanity isn't perfect, obviously, but it's good enough to work to correct its mistakes."

"And has your organization seen much success?" Prometheus probed further.

"It certainly has. We have personally shut down multiple crime rings and similar organizations, banished nine demon sorcerers, sealed away nine Oni generals and their king, and consistently recovered and managed twelve divine talismans. Furthermore, we have ensured that criminal masterminds like Dr. Ashby Necrosis have never successfully activated any of their doomsday or world domination devices. While I will be the first to admit that our security in the magical department was lacking at times, our efforts were still responsible for the eventual neutralization of the Talismans and the Demon Chi," Captain Black said proudly.

"Excellent work, Captain," Prometheus said. Even Hestia and Themis seemed impressed by this testimony. "Always helps to put a face on these things," Prometheus whispered to Captain Black, who nodded again. "No further questions," he added at full volume.

Themis nodded in assent. "Divinity, your witness."

Eris approached the bench and ran a manicured hand over Captain Black's bald scalp. He frowned and shoved her hand away, glaring daggers, but she just gave a crooked-toothed smile right back.

"The prosecution will refrain from directly touching the witness," Themis said coldly, but Eris simply scoffed.

"Aw, come on, what's a little head rub between foes?" she asked. Nemesis snarled and raised her sword, and Eris backed away. "But I guess I can hold off for now. Captain Black, I have but one question to ask. If humanity is so good, then why does it _require_ your policing?"

"Because _good_ does not equal _perfect_ ," Captain Black said simply. "No one here is attempting to prove that humanity is without fault, but on the whole, I find that our better nature tends to shine through. In fact, it is our ability to recognize and deal with our own negative tendencies that, in my opinion, shows the nature of humanity's advancements. If we were as debauched as you have suggested, then we would have a minority, if any, of people attempting to protect the world. As it stands, we are a vast collective working together. Humanity may need policing, but humanity _itself_ is more than capable of the task."

Jade actually applauded this speech, and Prometheus gave Captain Black an encouraging thumbs-up.

Eris, meanwhile, was less amused. "I see. Just one further question, then."

"Objection!" Jade cried. "Stenographer, please read back what Eris said, just before 'if humanity is so good'?"

Mnemosyne gave her a sideways look, but looked at her notes. "'Captain Black'," she quoted, "'I have but one question to ask'."

"I'm not on the stand here!" Eris argued, stomping her foot. She was growing red and sweaty, a clear sign of how much she hated to stand on ceremony. "I have taken no oath, and should not be bound by such rules until I do! Furthermore, the statement was not intended as a falsehood; the witness's answer merely inspired another question I had not previously considered!"

"Objection overruled," Themis agreed, banging her gavel. "Divinity may continue its questioning."

"Thank you. My question, Captain Black, is this: Do you believe that the slaying of the Olympians was justified?" Eris said coldly.

Captain Black opened his mouth, then paused. He stared at Hestia, catching her eye. A shiver ran down his spine from the cold look in her otherwise warm, welcoming eyes. He frowned, and then turned away for a deep breath. "I...I would have to say yes. As a military commander, I understand that there are times when deadly force is required, and I believe this was one of those cases. My men have, in fact, been in remarkably similar situations-a dangerous group moments away from severely harming the world and its people, usually on an enormous scale-and I stand by my decisions in these times of crisis. That said, it is not something to be celebrated or honored. The loss of life is always a tragic thing."

Eris smiled at these last words and turned to Mnemosyne. "Very interesting," she chuckled. "Then would Mnemosyne please present mankind's reaction to its victory?"

Mnemosyne nodded, and the tapestry of the gods' glory lit up, displaying a wild bacchanalia of soldiers and sorcerers laughing, drinking, and celebrating. They looted the halls of Mount Olympus, stealing and destroying everything they could get their hands on. Several of them were wearing dismembered body parts as necklaces. Some of the parts were particularly small.

"Thank you, Mnemosyne," Eris said as she turned back to Captain Black, who was looking noticeably disgusted. "What say you now, Captain Black?"

"...If these men were under my command, I would have them face the severest possible charges," Captain Black said. "This behavior is disrespectful, unconscionable, and morally bankrupt, and I have no intention of claiming otherwise."

"And yet _these_ are the very humans who deemed the gods worthy of death. I suppose it's a shame they didn't have _you_ to police them," Eris said, her voice calm but triumphant. "No further questions, your honor."

"Very well." Themis sighed. "You may return to your seats. Divinity, you may call the next witness."

"Oh, I"ve been waiting for this," Eris cackled, rubbing her hands together. "Your Honor, Divinity's next witness will be one who has overseen all of history, both divine and mortal. I call to the stand Hestia herself!"

Hestia gasped, as did Mnemosyne and Nemesis. All eyes flew to the Goddess of the Hearth.

"Objection!" Prometheus roared, slamming his hand into the table. "Hestia is serving as the jury, and thus must remain impartial! Having her serve as a witness would go against the very nature of this trial!"

"Objection!" Eris shouted back. "Hestia's value as a witness supersedes such notions! Her viewpoint is invaluable to the proceedings of this trial, and should be treated as such!"

"Order!" Themis declared, slamming her gavel multiple times. "I will have order in this courtroom!"

Eris groaned. "Oh, I _hate_ when you say that!"

"Humanity's objection is sustained," Themis continued, paying no mind to Eris's comment. "Having a member of the jury on the witness stand would constitute a conflict of interest. We are stretching the proceedings enough by having such an opinionated juror; to do more would bring this trial to an even more abrupt end."

"What do you mean, 'even more abrupt'?" Jade asked. "Is there a bomb planted here or something?"

"Not quite that dramatic, but just as lethal. Take a look around," Themis said, gesturing at the room. The walls and floors looked faded, stray threads popping up all over the place. Parts of the room had thinned to the point where the hallway of Athena's second floor could be seen through them. Even Nemesis and the Titanesses were literally coming apart at the seams, with the bailiff already missing half of her right arm.

"The spell that has created this trial is quickly and literally unraveling," Themis said. "In but a short time, this dimension shall collapse, and us with it. If a verdict has not been reached by that time, then you will all suffer the same fate."

"What?! How is that fair?" Jade demanded. "You're going to wipe us out just because we couldn't finish your stupid trial?"

"It is not our decision to make," said Nemesis, glaring at the rapidly fraying walls. "This trial required Athena's full attention to maintain. But now Athena is focusing her power toward a new goal, and the spell is falling apart, but it is no easier to breach. Soon we shall all cease to exist. If you do not escape, you will die. And you can only escape once a verdict has been reached."

"Now, Divinity," Themis demanded, turning her head to Eris. "Do you have a final witness, or will you give the floor to Humanity?"

Eris growled and ground her pearly, mismatched teeth. "Yes, we do! I call myself to the stand!"

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"...Well that's just wonderful," Vanessa groaned, staring at the tarp. "Couldn't even get us any details!"

"Your comrade might be dead and _that's_ what you're thinking about?!" Jackie snapped, glaring at Vanessa.

Vanessa stared back at Jackie, cocking her head. "You and I are very different people, Chan," she sighed. "For me, the mission comes first, _always_. Besides, he's not dead. He's just petrified."

"How can you be certain?" Tohru asked, rapping Zhixin with his knuckle.

"Because he's made of stone, you idiot!" Vanessa said, pointing to her immobile compatriot. "And everyone in the business knows at least one thing about magic: if it can be done, it can be undone. Now, let's take a lesson from the old monk and prepare for what we're up against."

The relic hunter reached into her pocket and pulled out a compact mirror, then carefully took aside the tarp and angled the reflection inward. Vanessa's eyes widened and she shook her head, but showed no fear. "Well, _that's_ no surprise," she complained.

"Medusa?" Jackie asked.

"And a giant spider that I can only assume is Arachne," Vanessa confirmed, ignoring Tohru's shudder. "This is going to be tricky."

"Well, we have a mirror, so that's one threat down, right?" Jackie asked hopefully.

"Putting aside the fact that she can still tear us apart with her bare claws," Vanessa groaned, "this mirror is hardly going to help. Perseus had the advantage of an entire mirrored shield, while we just have this dinky compact. Plus, the whole thing only worked because Perseus found Medusa sleeping. There's no mythological precedent for how an actual fight with her would have gone."

The word "precedent" stirred up a memory in Jackie. "Well, we're going in. For Jade and Captain Black. Tohru, can you work up another spell?"

"No," Tohru replied in a disheartened voice. "We are out of olive oil. I cannot do anything without it."

Jackie sighed, and then did the only thing he could to protect himself: he tore off a piece of the wall and fashioned a pair of makeshift blindfolds, one for himself and one for Tohru, then leapt through the tarp.

"Splendid," Vanessa groaned. "Well, someone should stay behind and keep out those mummies when they get here. You up for it, Tiny?"

"Me? Why me?" Tohru asked as Vanessa took the blindfold from his hands.

"Because after all my years of looting, I've developed something of an eidetic memory. The room layout, the monsters, all of that is catalogued up here," she said, tapping her head. "So even with my eyes occupied, fighting shouldn't be an issue, while you are more than a little useless right now. And that's not even getting into the arachnophobia," she continued, wrapping a blindfold around her left eye.

"You have a point," Tohru said, sighing. "Fine, I'll sta-" he continued, before being abruptly cut off by a mass of webbing slamming into his chest. He didn't move, but the web became tightly enmeshed in his clothes. Before Vanessa could react, he was dragged into the room, screaming all the while.

"Or you can get dragged in and I can save the both of you," Vanessa groaned. "You're lucky I still need the help." Letting out an exasperated sigh, Vanessa hefted her sword in one hand and her compact in the other and stepped in.

As soon as she walked through the curtain, Vanessa was beset by the noises of frenzied combat. From her left, she heard the hissing of the vipers serving as Medusa's hair intermingled with the grunts and groans of Jackie's frantic dodging. From her right, there was the sound of Tohru's screams and the delicate sound of spider legs on silk as Arachne crept along her web.

As she listened to the sounds of battle, Vanessa thought back to the brief glimpses she had seen of the two creatures from her compact. Medusa was the height of an average woman, clad in a flowing chiton colored a stone gray. Her face was surprisingly beautiful, with clear skin and bright eyes, but that only made its placement atop a scaled serpentine body all the more horrifying. That, combined with the razor sharp claws, massive brass wings, and the tusk-like fangs emerging from her mouth, made her danger even more clear.

Arachne, meanwhile, took the appearance of a plain woman with the delicate physical structure of a weaver from the waist up, but with the body of a massive orb weaver spider underneath. A band of silk was placed over her face, hiding her eyes, but her mouth was inhumanly stretched, and a pair of spidery fangs was protruding out.

Keeping her eye firmly focused on the compact mirror, Vanessa teleported to Tohru's side, where Arachne was busy wrapping the big man in threads. "Tiny, you seriously need to shape up or ship out," she growled With one swipe of her sword, she sliced down the side of the wrappings, whereupon Tohru snapped them off with a single flex.

"Bold words for a thief," he grumbled. His eyes shut tightly, he grabbed Arachne by four of her legs and threw her aside, only for her to launch a line of silk from her mouth and come swinging back, leaping on Tohru's back, ready to bite. Tohru froze as he felt her breath on his face, but Vanessa teleported onto his back and swung one of her high heels into the spider-woman's face, sending her crashing into a padded wall.

"What's wrong, dear?" Vanessa laughed. "No spidey sense tingling?"

Simultaneously, Jackie was being forced onto the defensive, muttering, "Baddaybaddaybadday!" all the while. Listening for Medusa's strikes was difficult even normally, but the floor and walls muffled everything. He soon realized he'd have to rely on touch and smell as much as hearing, focusing his mind on the burning scent of Medusa's venom, and the light pressure that indicated the movements of Arachne's eight legs. Even worse, it would only take one swipe of her claws to tear him in half. Soon enough, he found himself cornered, but, rather than panic, he bounced off of the wall and slammed both hands on either side of the monster's head, narrowly dodging her snakes.

When he landed behind her, he kicked her between the shoulder blades, only for her to turn and lunge at him. Jackie jumped high above and ended up flying directly into Arachne, who caught him with all eight legs. She held Jackie down for Medusa to strike, but Tohru charged in, rolling like a ball and sending Jackie, Medusa, and Arachne all flying.

Vanessa took the opportunity to teleport over and swing her sword at the gorgon, but Medusa caught the blade in her claws, then wrapped her tail around Vanessa's legs, then, with the strength of two hands to Vanessa's one, sent the relic hunter's sword flying. She followed that by seizing Vanessa's compact and shattering it in her hand.

"What was that?" Tohru asked nervously.

"What do you think?" Vanessa snapped as she clenched her uncovered eye shut. "The snake just took out our eyes!"

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"Do you swear on the River Styx to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?" Themis asked as Eris took her seat at the witness box.

"If I must," Eris replied, rolling her eyes-literally, in her hands. She popped them back in, then conjured a puppet of herself over one of her hands, which she held out in front of her.

"Miss Eris," she said out of the corner of her mouth, in a ridiculous falsetto as she worked the puppet's mouth, "humans are quick to accuse the gods of cruelty and tyranny. Can you show us proof otherwise?"

"Certainly," Eris answered in her own voice. She gestured to the mural of godly glory, which lit up and displayed a new scene. Scenes of gods helping mortals flashed by. Hera advising Jason. Athena gifting Heracles a rattle to scare the Stymphalian birds. Hades agreeing to let Orpheus take the soul of Eurydice. Demeter before a village of farmers, helping their wheat grow. Ares giving strength to a squadron of Spartans. And, to cap it all off, an image of the gods in their palace, seated in front of a great table, about to dig into a huge banquet.

"The gods were superior to mortals in all ways," Eris continued as the images kept flashing, "but still they would bestow gifts upon them now and then. They took the time to answer some prayers. It was only when mortals got too cocky that we decided to eliminate them."

An image of mortal scholars appeared. They were hunched over scrolls and gathering ingredients.

"We saw them readying themselves to destroy us. It was them who decided that the universe wasn't big enough for both races, not us. We were only reacting to it when we made the decision to wipe them out. And, based on what I've seen, it would have been a mercy killing. The truth is, the entire race is suicidal."

"Are not!" Jade objected, glaring daggers at the depowered goddess.

"Silence!" Themis demanded, banging her gavel. "Eris, you'd better be able to support that claim!"

Eris smiled back, as if the judge could see it. "Well of course, Your Honor," she chuckled. "They have all of the warning signs. See for yourself."

She waved her hand and the image on the tapestry of the gods' glory shifted again, displaying an image of an African warlord stuffing his face while staring down upon starving masses, uncaring. "Emotional detachment…"

The tapestry shifted again, showing a large number of people on a bus, staring at their phones. "Social withdrawal…"

The image changed once more, showing an enormous collection of garbage floating in the ocean. "Not respecting your home…"

The tapestry returned to its original image, and Eris continued her speech. "The truth is, mankind _wants_ to die. They _know_ they've poisoned the beautiful world we've made, and don't care. Furthermore, based on their current literature and drama, ideas of the apocalypse have become very common. It's almost like they're looking forward to it. So, why not help them along? And, once they're gone, our beautiful world can return."

Themis and Hestia both stared at Eris, mouths agape. "Ah...well said, Eris," Themis admitted, breaking her stony expression for the first time. "I've never heard you speak so eloquently. You must have learned a few things in that _amphora_."

"Thank you, Your Honor," Eris said, smiling toward the jury box. "I hope that Auntie Hestia will keep that in mind."

She held the puppet back up and spoke in the falsetto once more. "No further questions, Your Honor."

Themis nodded in the direction of Prometheus. "Humanity, your witness!" she barked.

"Oh, I've been waiting for this!" Prometheus chuckled, rubbing his hands together. He advanced on the witness box, inviting Jade and Captain Black as well. Eris just smiled back at them, despite the cold sweat that had taken Kasahara.

"Objection!" Kasahara shouted. "Humanity is trying to intimidate the witness!"

"Overruled!" Themis shouted back. "If the witness can be intimidated by these three, then her arguments have no strength whatsoever!"

"It's fine, Kasahara," Eris said, dismissively waving her hand. "Just makes it easier to deal with them all at once. So, do you have any questions, or are you just going to glare at me all day?"

"In your testimony, you made the point that the gods used to get along better with humanity," Prometheus said. "And indeed, that was the case for a time. Not in harmony, admittedly, but like casual neighbors. Then again, _you_ have made notable attempts to disrupt harmony, haven't you?"

"Well, duh!" Eris sneered. "I'm the Goddess of Discord!"

"Do you remember _this_?" Prometheus asked. The tapestry of the gods' arrogance glowed and changed to display Eris tossing a golden apple into a crowd, with three beautiful goddesses poised to catch it.

"Oh, you _would_ bring that up, wouldn't you?" Eris pouted.

"You threw a magic apple, brainwashed three goddesses, and ended up starting the Trojan War, all because you weren't invited to a wedding!" Prometheus accused.

"And that was _very_ rude of them!" Eris snapped. "And, for your information, the apple wasn't 'magic'! I just carved 'To the Fairest' onto it and threw it in. That fighting was all them!"

"But you knew what it would do, didn't you?" Captain Black asked, raising an eyebrow.

"...yes," Eris admitted, crossing her arms. "But the blame rests on Paris for ignoring the warnings and choosing Aphrodite. In other words, the war was a _human's_ fault!"

"It never would have happened without divinity!" Prometheus argued.

"Neither would literally anything!" Eris snapped. "But mortals stopped thanking us ages ago!"

"Tch, and why _should_ they thank you?" Jade demanded. "Have you ever done humanity any favors?"

"A couple," Eris said with a smile. Prometheus' eyes went wide, and Eris laughed. "Surprised you again, did I? Well, I'll let you in on something: You ever find a coin lying on the ground? That was me. I invented that. People think it was Hermes, even Hades, but it was me."

" _That's_ your big favor for humanity?" Jade asked. "Loose change? I got a better gift from Uncle for Christmas, and he gave me socks!"

"I was spreading wealth!" Eris argued. "And come now, didn't you ever think about how strange it was? I mean, if you drop a coin, you pick it up, right? Who wouldn't? So where are these coins coming from?"

"Nobody is questioning the divine nature of coins magically appearing," Prometheus said, rolling his eyes. "But as far as boons go, it's hardly a miracle."

"I can't help it if my best creations kept getting banished to faraway lands! I invented the avocado, the okapi, the binturong, the bladderwort, the giraffe, the three-toed sloth, the kiwi - the fruit _and_ the bird - and the pineapple! But nobody ever talks about those! They were too 'weird' and 'disturbing' to belong in a respectable place like Greece!"

"What's a binturong?" Captain Black asked.

"What's a bladderwort?" Jade asked, at the same time.

"Did you think it perhaps had something to do with the fact that you made the pineapple out of a person?" Prometheus asked, ignoring both of them.

"Oh, please! Narcissus, Hyacinthus, Adonis, their plants all got to stick around, but not mine? They were just stupid flowers made out of pretty boys! I made a fruit that bites you back, which is much more interesting, and for that it gets banished!"

"We're getting off topic," Captain Black sighed. "Answer me this: Did you kill humans en masse _before_ they started plotting against the gods?"

Eris shrugged. "Sure. And you know who else did? Other humans. Like I said, you creatures have always been suicidal; we just joined in."

"And what about before Pandora opened the _amphora_? Before humanity received a concentrated dose of all their worst sins?" Captain Black continued.

"Hey, that's hardly a fair question! I made that _amphora_ so we _didn't_ have to wipe out humanity! Besides, it's like you said; the urn held _concentrated_ ill, not _created_. All we did was take those deep dark parts of your minds, stir them up a little bit, and stuff them all together," Eris growled.

"'We'?" Jade asked, confused. "You mean it wasn't just you?"

"Of course not!" Eris replied. "Do you think I could have gotten something that complex put together alone? No, all us gods put their backs into it; collecting and distilling a single evil each, and placing it in the _amphora._ Zeus gave Faithlessness. Hera, Pettiness. Aphrodite, Carnal Lust. I personally placed in Destructive Insanity. Every god had a part in this!"

"Then how did Hope get in there?" Captain Black asked. "It's one thing if it was just you, but if it was every single god who was involved, surely someone would have noticed a mistake like that?"

"Believe me, I've been trying to work that out for eons!" Eris snapped, pulling at her hair. "I mean, it's not like I have a perfect…" Her head snapped over to Mnemosyne so fast that the crack echoed through the courtroom. "You! Show me who presented Hope to be placed in the _amphora_! Now!"

Themis banged her gavel again. "The witness will wait until the cross-examination is over!" the Titaness of Justice cried. "It is not your turn to make arguments! And if you speak that way to my stenographer again, I will hold you in contempt of court!"

"Actually, go ahead on that request," Jade said, putting a hand to her chin. "I wanna know who did that, too."

Eris smirked. "Thanks, brat! Knew you would be good for something eventually," she said.

Jade's face turned bright red as she opened her mouth to retort, only to be interrupted by a shout of "Objection!" in Kasahara's cultured voice.

"Oh come on!" Eris snapped. "What's the issue now, Kasahara?"

"That...that wasn't me," Kasahara replied, his eyes wide. "I swear it!"

"Then who…?" Eris began, only to narrow her eyes. The entire court turned to face the jury box, staring at Hestia. For the first time since Jade had met her, the Goddess of the Hearth looked uncomfortable. She was curled up, staring at her feet, and desperately trying to look small.

"The jury will refrain from erroneous objections," Themis said coldly. "And from using the voices of others. Should this incident be repeated, my bailiff will have to take...drastic action."

"But-!" Hestia began before Nemesis, moving lightning fast, jumped into the jury box and laid her sword across Hestia's throat.

"...It's all starting to come together now," Eris mused, her calm tone utterly belying the sparks emerging from her eyes. "Your Honor, I don't believe we'll need the full display after all."

"I suppose we don't," Prometheus said, his face set in a frown. "But if we could get confirmation from the stenographer?"

"Yes," Mnemosyne said, her voice quiet. "It is as you suspect."

Both tapestries shifted, displaying the same image; Hestia, emitting her warm, comforting glow, holding in her hands a small form, a golden butterfly that hovered just above her fingertips. As the courtroom watched, she gently worked her fingers around the shape, and it began to change. Its wings became torn and faded, and it began to flutter nervously. Its gold color dulled to an ugly bronze. Satisfied with the change to its appearance, the Hestia in the tapestries turned and handed the butterfly to a past version of Eris, one who radiated power, unlike the weakened deity who sat at the witness desk. The past Eris nodded in approval of the butterfly and placed it inside her _amphora_ before the tapestries returned to normal.

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

Tohru screamed as he held Arachne by her legs, desperately trying to keep her at arm's length. The spider woman cackled and hissed as she continued to lunge. In a lucky shot, she tore off his blindfold, and in the moment before he clenched his eyes shut, he gulped at the savage face before him. Not because of how hideous she was now, but because he'd seen her before.

"Jackie!" he cried in alarm. "This woman is the receptionist! These are real people, too!"

Vanessa paused from wildly swinging her sword, frowning. "And that matters because…?"

"We can't kill them, okay?" Jackie demanded, delivering a flying kick to what he thought was Medusa. Tohru fell forward, squashing Arachne beneath his ample stomach before she thrashed and wriggled her way out, slashing her legs at the sumo. Jackie bounced off of Tohru's back and intercepted, becoming tangled in the monster's legs.

"Oh, it's so hairy!" Jackie complained as he squirmed. He got a lucky kick in to her abdomen and she recoiled, then he took the opportunity to seize her by the arms, restraining them, and climb on her back. "Can't bite me here!" he laughed.

Arachne hissed and shook, but Jackie wouldn't be moved. In a rage, she began climbing a wall, shaking herself the whole way in an attempt to throw him. Jackie clung desperately, sticky spider silk from the wall clinging to his clothes and limiting his movements. Finally, Arachne managed to wriggle free and turn her fangs on Jackie, just as his silks broke from his struggles and he fell to the floor, ironically saving him from a fatal bite.

Meanwhile, on the floor, Medusa lunged for Vanessa, but Tohru rescued the relic hunter in the nick of time by catching the gorgon in a bear hug.

"Not bad, Tiny," Vanessa said with a smirk. "Have you fought blind before?"

"Once," Tohru smiled back. He tightened his grip on Medusa, prepared to squeeze until she lost consciousness, but the snakes that made up her hair objected, snapping at the big man's arms. Their bites weren't venomous, but they were painful, and he grimaced in pain, releasing the gorgon on the spot. She raked her claws at him, but Vanessa teleported in and blocked the talons with her sword.

"This isn't working!" Jackie complained, coming to Tohru's side. "We need a plan!"

"Yes, but they won't make it easy. Furthermore, how does Arachne fight so well when she cannot even see?" Tohru asked. "The stories never tell of her being blind."

"She wasn't!" Vanessa snarled as Medusa knocked her back. "But she's a spider now. She must be using her other senses!"

 _What would Jade do…?_ Jackie wondered quietly, backflipping just in time to dodge another swipe from Arachne's leg. The spider woman took a tumble toward Medusa, but scurried up the wall before they could collide. It was a good thing he'd heard her coming. _That's it!_

"Keep Medusa busy and keep your ears peeled!" the archaeologist announced. "I have a plan!"

Tohru and Vanessa nodded, charging the gorgon again, each one catching Medusa by one arm and holding her down. As they did, Jackie concentrated the muscles in his throat. "Good work, you two," came his voice. Strange thing was, it came from next to Tohru, even though Jackie was clear across the room. "Let's finish her!"

The blindfolded Arachne rushed down to help her comrade, just as Jackie planned. When he heard her eight legs scuttling down, he performed a flying kick and scored a direct hit. Then, with a jab to the spider woman's solar plexus, he made her fire a long stream of ultra-sticky thread from her mouth, directly at Medusa.

"Spin her around!" Jackie ordered, and Tohru and Vanessa did. Medusa was soon cocooned in Arachne's thread up to her neck. With a chuckle, Jackie then yanked the blindfold off of Arachne's face and positioned her right in front of the gorgon. Arachne turned to stone on the spot, and Jackie finished by tying the blindfold around Medusa. "Okay," he sighed. "We're safe."

Tohru and Vanessa caught their breath as they removed their own blindfolds. "Where in the world did you learn to throw your voice, Chan?" Vanessa demanded.

"I won a few talent shows when I was Jade's age," Jackie chuckled, his voice emanating from Vanessa's sword.

Vanessa smirked. "Well, you're just full of surprises, aren't you?"

The trio tensed up as they heard the sound of footsteps. The mummy army was catching up again.

"No time to pat ourselves on the back," Vanessa said with a scowl. "Let's move! The old man can't be much further!"

Jackie's eyes fell back on the statue in the doorway. "What about Zhixin?" he asked.

"Leave him!" Vanessa said, tearing through the next door to another staircase. "He's dead weight! And also petrified!"

With a shrug, Jackie and Tohru followed suit.

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"...I didn't plan for this," Prometheus said quietly. "This was her own decision."

"Sure you didn't," Eris replied sarcastically, glaring at the actual Hestia. "Honestly, I should have figured it out sooner. I can't believe that even with Prometheus imprisoned, you were still his stooge!"

"What did I just say?" Prometheus demanded.

Mnemosyne thumbed her scroll, and read aloud. "'I didn't plan for this. This was her own decision.'"

"And you honestly expect me to believe that?!" Eris snapped. "You're not on the stand; you could lie your tail off if you wanted!"

"I-You know what, forget it," Prometheus muttered, the indignation draining out of him. "Believe what you wish to believe; the actions remain the same. And it's what Hestia and Themis believe that matters to me."

"Even so," Eris snapped, "Hestia's act ruined the gods' plan and ultimately brought about their destruction! How often we hand our enemies the very means of our end," she finished with a groan.

"I'm glad you brought that up," Prometheus chuckled. "Because I have one last point to make. Eris, do you know how I came up with the spell that drained the gods' powers?"

Eris gulped. Sweat ran down her brow. "Um...not for sure…"

Prometheus' smile grew even bigger. "I adapted the very spell you used on me. The one you used before you chained me up. Except I found a way to make it even stronger thanks to the instructions left behind by a certain god. Or rather, goddess."

"Prometheus lost his powers?" Jade whispered to Captain Black.

"Most of 'em, it sounds like," Captain Black whispered back. "No wonder he relied on us."

"...Wait, what? Auntie Hecate never showed me anything like th-" Eris started to say, before her eyes widened and she slammed her hands over her mouth.

"She wouldn't have; they weren't in her spellbook," Prometheus responded. "Or at least, the copy I received wasn't. Hestia smuggled it to me; apparently, Hecate had tried to burn up the evidence in the Sacred Hearth."

"Evidence of what?" Jade asked.

"Her planned coup, of course," Prometheus replied, smirking at Eris's enraged expression. "Looks like your perfect family is hardly so perfect after all."

"No worse than your humans, you snake!" Eris shrieked. She snarled, baring her teeth.

"Objection!" Captain Black said. "Conjecture!"

"Sustained," Themis told him, banging her gavel.

At the sound of the hammer echoed through the room, Eris's eyes literally turned red, and an audible 'snap' came from her head. Shrieking like a banshee, she leapt at Prometheus, slashing her uneven nails across his face. Shocked, Prometheus fell backwards, and Nemesis grabbed the Goddess of Discord, who continued to scream and struggle.

"Lady Eris!" Kasahara cried. "Please calm yourself!"

"That's it!" Themis yelled, banging her gavel yet again. "I'm holding you in contempt of court! Nemesis, restrain her! Mnemosyne, strike her testimony from the record!"

"That will only help her!" Captain Black objected.

Themis cocked her head, then nodded. "Then let the record reflect Divinity's outburst. We must trust our jury to render judgment properly," she finished, giving a dramatic nod in Hestia's direction.

Meanwhile, Nemesis bound a shrieking Eris in rope and returned her to her stand, finishing by shoving a gag in her mouth. "Better behave yourselves," she warned, and Prometheus, Jade, Captain Black, and Kasahara all gave simultaneous nods.

"Will there be any more witnesses?" Themis demanded, ignoring Eris' thrashes. Even with her blindfold, they could feel her intense gaze upon them.

"We've pretty much won, right?" Jade asked, looking up at Prometheus. He looked a lot more tired than he had a few minutes ago, and his face was set in a frown.

The Titan of Forethought shook his head. "You'd think so, but no," he whispered back. "I know Hestia, and it's not enough to turn her against Eris. She has to want to help us, and for that she has to know that we're doing the right thing. And now we have just one witness left." The Titan lifted his head and announced, "I call Jade Chan to the witness stand!"

Jade smiled and bolted over to the box, leaping directly up and landing in the seat.

"Do you swear on the River Styx to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?" Nemesis asked her.

"Tch, absolutely!" Jade declared. "And I've got plenty to say!"

"The witness will save her comments for when she is questioned," Themis warned, and Jade moved back on her seat.

"Uh, yeah. Sure," Jade responded with a guilty smile.

Prometheus began to stand, but Captain Black put a hand to his shoulder. "Let me handle this one," Captain Black chuckled. "I know her better."

Prometheus nodded, and Captain Black advanced on the witness stand. "Jade Chan, you're no stranger to protecting the world, are you?"

Jade actually laughed at this, until Themis cast a not-entirely-seen dirty look her way. "I mean, uh, yeah. Definitely. You, me, Uncle, Tohru, and Uncle Jackie have been fighting evil since the day I came to America."

"A fight in which you played no small part," Captain Black said with a smile.

"Finally, someone says it! I sealed Tarakudo in his mask, led the charge against Drago when he was 'roided up on demon chi, and even rallied the troops and fixed things when Shendu rewrote history! Jackie may do the fighting, and Uncle's got his chi magic mojo, but the J-Team's just not whole without me!"

Eris glared at this display, but she was finally quieting down. While the court's attention was on Jade, Kasahara quietly transformed a single finger into a paper blade and cut the gag covering his boss' mouth. She leaned in and whispered something in Kasahara's ear, and his eyes went wide.

"Exactly, kiddo," Captain Black agreed, placing a kindly hand on hers. "And we both know you're not gonna stop fighting evil, either."

"Tch, as if!" Jade laughed. "It's the coolest thing I've ever been a part of."

"Too true. But it's not just the big things that make you who you are. If I recall, you also rescued an innocent girl from her imprisonment in the Lotus Temple?"

"Xu Lin?" Jade replied. "Yeah, we still keep in touch."

"And you unfroze a prehistoric ice man and found him a place to live?"

Jade's smile vanished, and she took on a pensive look. "Yeah. I miss Dwayne."

"And you're always protecting kids from bullies on the schoolyard," Captain Black went on.

"That's true," Jade said, brightening back up.

"And you're forgiving, too," Captain Black continued. "After all, who was it who petitioned me to give Chow, Finn, and Ratso another chance?"

"Me!" Jade bragged. "Uh, and Uncle," she added afterward.

Captain Black chanced a glance at Hestia, whom he noticed had a broad smile of her own. Blushing slightly, Captain Black turned to Themis. "No further questions, your honor," he said.

Themis nodded. "Very well. Divinity, you may cross-examine the witness."

Kasahara nodded and got to his feet as Captain Black retreated. The thief had a wicked grin as he approached Jade. "Miss Chan," he began. He was going slowly, like a predator stalking its next meal. "I could stand here talking about how all of what was just said was the acts of only a single person, or the obvious arrogance as it was being said-and the record will show that I did, but that's not the point. Instead, I have only one question for you. One question, which, I might add, you must answer honestly, as you are under oath."

"And what's that?" Jade demanded, meeting his gaze head-on.

"Simple. Jade Chan, do you believe that you have made life better for those you love?"

"Tch," Jade snapped back. "You're kidding, right?"

Kasahara maintained his gaze, unblinking. "I most certainly am not. And that is not an answer. Tell the court: Do you believe that you have made life better for those you love? It's an important question. I suggest you think hard."

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"The old man can't be far away now," Vanessa pointed out as the trio raced up the stairs. Unlike Jackie and Tohru, she was able to conserve her energy by teleporting six or so steps ahead over and over. "He's sure to be expecting us, too. Do you have a plan?"

"Jackie will find a way to steal the chi-o-matic from Sensei," Tohru replied, huffing along behind her. "Once that is done, I will improvise a spell to depower him. Unfortunately, I have no more olive oil to strengthen it, but hopefully it will still be enough."

"Don't you need a symbol of Athena?" Vanessa asked.

Tohru nodded and held up a strip of spider thread. "This should do. Athena created Arachne, after all, so it should work."

Vanessa rolled her eyes. "I'm hearing a lot of assumptions there, Jumbo."

"If you have a better idea, I would like to hear it!" Jackie panted.

Vanessa shook her head at this, and the group continued onward, soon reaching the first actual door they'd encountered in Uncle's funhouse of a lair. It was carved with a mixture of Greek letters, Viking runes, and Chinese characters, all under the image of an owl whose eyes seemed to follow them.

"No going back now, Chan," Vanessa pointed out. "Are you ready?"

Jackie nodded, and Tohru threw his considerable weight against the door, bowling inward to Uncle's new base of operations. Apparently this was where he had kept most of the museum's antiquities, because many old Norse tools and weapons - everything from bowls to battle-axes - were lining the walls. The boat from earlier stood proud at the room's center, and Uncle himself (or as much himself as he could be said to be, all things considered) was hard to work at an antique loom, weaving a tapestry the size of a circus tent. He was chanting something as he worked, a mixture of Chinese, English, and Greek. Hanging at his side by a thread was the chi-o-matic.

Jackie wasted no time in rushing the old man, reaching out to snatch the device off its resting place, but, without even looking, Uncle whipped a corner of his tapestry at Jackie and caught him by the leg, tripping him. He then whipped the cloth again, untangling Jackie, then delivered a two-fingered strike so hard that Jackie was sent crashing into a wall.

"You want to survive to see Uncle's conquest of Europe?" the old man inquired. "Yes? THEN STAY OUT OF UNCLE'S WAY!"

"Conquest of Europe?" Jackie repeated as he got back to his feet, shaking his head as if to clear it. "Uncle, you cannot be serious!"

"Uncle is _always_ serious!" Uncle snapped. "Is the only way to gain enough strength to spread Uncle's reign onward to Asia, and then the world! No battle strategy can stand against wisdom of Athena! Is only a matter of time before Uncle reigns over all from palace on Olympus! All Uncle needs is big enough magic tapestry to create out his army, and the war is nearly won!"

"Wait, what are you talking about?" Tohru asked. "I could understand using a tapestry as a portal or viewing screen, but how could it help make an army-OW!" he yelled as a hand made of tightly woven cloth delivered a two-finger strike to his head.

"Let Uncle finish!" the old man screeched. "Without tapestry, Uncle must make do with those who come inside. _With_ tapestry, Uncle can spread his threads all over Stockholm and beyond! One more thing! Uncle can also make army themselves center of web, to turn everyone they cross into Uncle's loyal soldiers!"

"Brilliant _and_ horrifying," Vanessa said with a chuckle. "You'd certainly be a fun one to work with."

"What?!" Jackie yelped, while Uncle merely grinned.

"Hot cha! Finally, someone with sense!" he said, rubbing his hands together. "So, do you wish to join Uncle? Uncle can offer you very good deal!"

Unable to hold back any more, Jackie threw himself at the old man again, this time with a wicked left hook, but Uncle parried and swept Jackie's legs, sending him tumbling backwards, and then grabbed his nephew by the collar, hoisting him up. Tohru stepped in, charging at his former teacher, but Uncle sidestepped him and then, as Tohru skidded to a stop, jumped ten feet in the air and landed on the giant's shoulders, tossing Jackie over his shoulder and grinding his feet into Tohru's neck.

Tohru grunted in pain as Uncle gave a sadistic grin. Uncle then backflipped off of Tohru, executed a handstand, and kicked Tohru in the butt with both feet, sending him tumbling as Uncle threw himself back to grab a spear, as well as the very shield that had started all the trouble, immediately blocking a renewed strike from his former apprentice.

"Tempting," Vanessa said, priming her sword as she ignored it all. "Eris has yet to lock me into an exclusive contract, so I'm open to pursuing other opportunities. You'll just have to make it worth my while."

"Vanessa!" Jackie gasped.

"Nothing personal, Chan," the relic hunter laughed. "It's just always better to be on the winning side. Now, old man, let's talk benefits. I have to warn you though," she continued, "I charge some cutthroat rates."

Uncle just laughed at this. "Uncle will conquer with or without you!" he howled. He lunged at her, spear ready to impale, but she teleported behind him and struck his back with the butt of her sword.

"See?" the relic hunter laughed, teleporting beside the old man. "I can be very useful."

With Uncle distracted, Jackie took the opportunity to make another dive for the chi-o-matic, but Vanessa saw it coming, teleported into his path, and planted the toe of her high heel directly into his stomach, sending him flying. "Consider that a freebie," Vanessa said with a smirk.

Uncle smiled back. "Not bad. Consider yourself hired."

Vanessa kept staring at Uncle with that sickening grin. "Actually," she said, her smile growing larger. In a flash, she teleported to the old man's side, slashed the thread that held the chi-o-matic, and zipped over to Tohru to deliver the device. "Now that I think about it, you couldn't afford me."

Enraged, Uncle charged the relic hunter, but Jackie and Vanessa met him head-on, delivering twin kicks to the old man's chest. Uncle blocked with his shield, but was still skidding back. He moved with it, though, doing a one-handed cartwheel and coming up with his spear. Jackie dove out of the way, and Vanessa teleported aside, but Uncle swept it low and spun, knocking them both off of their feet. He drove to impale his weapon into Vanessa's chest, but Jackie caught the spear from behind and saved her just in time.

"Hurry, Tohru!" Jackie yelled. "The spell!"

Tohru nodded and threw together the ingredients, then wrapped them in the spider silk. Concentrating, he held up the chi-o-matic and began to chant. " _Theía Dýnami, Afíste Grígora! Theía Dýnami, Afíste Grígora!"_

The chi-o-matic lit up in his hands, and a beam of light shot out, striking Uncle in the chest, but, amazingly, Uncle gave no reaction. Tohru began chanting harder, but Uncle seemed as strong as ever. The spell simply refused to absorb the godly essence.

"You will not defeat Uncle with second-rate magic like that!" Uncle laughed. Then, with astounding speed for someone so old, he batted Jackie aside with his shield, then lunged at Tohru and beaned him in the wrist with the butt of his spear. Tohru dropped the chi-o-matic and shook his aching wrist, and Uncle grabbed him by his waistband, lifted the enormous man over his head, and sent him flying across the room and into a display on Viking helmets. The heavy iron headgear fell from the display, burying Tohru under their weight.

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

After Kasahara's question, the entire court went quiet. All eyes were on Jade, who had immediately drawn a breath as if to speak. But then, she paused, and a contemplative look came over her face. As the seconds passed, Kasahara's expression grew more triumphant, while Prometheus and Captain Black looked more stricken. Finally, Jade opened her mouth and said, "Okay, look. I'll be the first one to admit I'm not perfect; if I wanted I could show you a highlight reel of my biggest screw-ups-"

"As you wish," Mnemosyne said, prompting Jade to adopt a panicked expression.

"No, no, come on!" she moaned as the tapestries started glowing. "I wasn't serious!"

"Maybe so, but the stenographer has deemed it necessary to show the court the details," Themis said, staring at Jade sternly, in spite of the blindfold. "Unless you have an objection to seeing your deeds laid bare."

"Lighten up, lady," Jade muttered under her breath. "And just because I know I've messed up doesn't mean I want to relive it," she continued in a louder tone.

"And yet, here we are," Themis said as the tapestries finally settled on images. Each piece of cloth now was essentially a collage, showing four different scenes. The first picture on the left tapestry was Jade Chan, staring aghast at a pile of stone fragments that looked like they may have once been a statue of a tall, bearded man, and next to that Jade watching as that same statue, now repaired, suddenly transformed into flesh and blood. Then there one showing Jade floating above the ground, wearing a cape and surrounded by twelve stylistic depictions of animals, while the last showed Captain Black presenting an array of stone tablets to a group of unimpressed men in suits.

The right tapestry, meanwhile, first displayed Jade standing by a school drinking fountain, a demonic image freshly tattooed on her ankle, before showing a monstrous blue version of Jade with red eyes and fangs, dressed all in black and surrounded by ninjas. The next one showed Jade at what looked like a school fair, standing by an animal pen containing nine animals of different sizes, while the final picture had those same animals rampaging around the fairgrounds, all while Jackie looked at Jade with a disappointed expression.

"What...is this?" Eris asked, looking at the crowded display of images with glittering eyes. "It's so jumbled, I love it!"

Jade rested her head on the witness stand. "Like I said, highlight reel."

"Might I ask what each of these represent?" Kasahara asked.

"Lightning round? Broke a statue then brought it to life, stole Talisman powers to goof off, became demon queen because of peer pressure, and risked losing cosmic power to the forces of darkness because I missed a homework assignment. Clear enough for you?" Jade growled.

"Yes it does," Kasahara sneered. "That said, while I do enjoy seeing you at your lowest, I fail to see how this answers the question I posed earlier. Unless you're trying to tell me that you _know_ you made life worse for those you care about."

Jade glared at him and swallowed. "I'm trying to say that I don't know," she admitted. "I can't. I like to think I'm good, but I'm not perfect. Trouble tends to follow me...usually cuz I give it a private invitation. But one thing I do know is that every jam I've gotten us into, I've helped to get us out. I can't say if the good outweighs the bad; heck, I don't even know if I break even. All I can say is that I'll never stop trying to help the people I love. And really, can you ask for more?"

Kasahara seethed at this response and shook his head, his eyes narrowed in anger. Turning away from Jade's smug grin, he mumbled, "No further questions." As he walked back to Eris, he failed to notice Hestia's thoughtful expression.

"Very well," Themis said. "Witness, you are excused." Jade nodded and returned to Humanity's table. "Both parties may now make their closing statements. Divinity, you may begin."

Kasahara sneered, but stepped forward with his usual dignity. "Lady of the jury," he began, looking Hestia in the eye, "it is my belief that the single greatest crime in existence is the miscarriage of justice. We have provided substantial proof that humans not only stripped the gods of their powers, but also ruthlessly slaughtered them. What's more, we have seen how humans have been proceeding to systematically destroy the world over the centuries since this vile act, squandering the opportunities that existed even in the face of such horror. These crimes against the gods, against nature, and against existence itself cannot be allowed to stand. Thank you."

"Also, commercial airlines!" Eris shouted, and Nemesis smacked her in the back of the head.

"Strike that from the record!" Themis ordered.

"With pleasure," Mnemosyne mumbled, scratching it out.

"Humanity," Themis announced. "Your closing arguments?"

As she spoke, though, the courtroom began to blur. Colors faded, and Themis, Mnemosyne, and Nemesis all unraveled even further. They still stood strong, but the change was very noticeable. Even more noticeable, though, was what happened to the walls of the courtroom; they grew transparent, and through them the defendants could see Jackie, Vanessa, and Tohru in Uncle's lair, the old man throttling the three without breaking a sweat. Jackie and Vanessa were facing him down, and even had a decent rhythm going, but he was dodging every strike, countering with his shield and spear. Tohru had the chi-o-matic, but somehow his attempted spell failed, and he was thrown into a display of Viking helmets. Eris looked pleased at this site, Kasahara perturbed, and Jade and Captain Black were absolutely terrified for their friends. Prometheus, however, simply stared calmly at the scene, his expression neutral.

"Jackie! Big T!" Jade cried, watching as Jackie seized a bowl from the wall and tossed it along the ground in Uncle's path. Uncle tripped, but righted himself with the spear and continued on, ready to impale his nephew. To the viewers' surprise, Vanessa saved him, teleporting over to him and pulling him aside just in time.

"They need our help!" Captain Black yelled. Angered, he turned to Themis. "Let us out right now!" he demanded. "You can deliver your verdict later!"

"Not a chance," Themis told him, shaking her head. "Athena's concentration is being broken. Our world is unraveling. There is no later for us, and this verdict has been a long time coming. Now, do you have a closing argument or not?"

"Just say something!" Jade hissed. "The sooner you say something, the sooner we can get out and help them!"

Captain Black glared and shook his head. "No!" he announced. "I've gone along with this farce long enough! My closing argument is not to give one! Let the evidence speak for itself; I refuse to submit to the will of the gods!" He turned over to Hestia, his cheeks flushing. "Deliver whatever verdict you see fit," he sighed, "but I have friends who need my help."

"Both sides have made their final statements," Themis said, frowning at the outburst. "The jury will now deliberate."

Hestia sat in silence, deep in thought, and Jade and Captain Black nearly stopped breathing from the tension, both in and out of the courtroom. Tohru had managed to extricate himself from underneath the heavy helmets, and was attempting his spell again, to no avail. Jackie and Vanessa provided cover, but Uncle batted them aside. Vanessa moved in, going sword-to-spear with the old man, covering for her lack of range with her teleportation powers, but Uncle's boost in intelligence had him predicting her every move, leaving no openings.

Desperate, Jackie grabbed a pair of shields and banged them together like cymbals, hoping to distract the old man, but Uncle spun and knocked them out of Jackie's hands, slashing Vanessa's coat along the way.

"How can you be so calm?" Captain Black demanded, staring at Prometheus' expression. "The fate of the world is at stake here!"

"I know," Prometheus replied, his voice even. "But I am calm because I have faith. Your friends will overcome this foe. After all, I have already provided them with everything they need."

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"Why didn't the spell work?!" Vanessa demanded, desperately trying to block Uncle's onslaught.

"No olive oil!" Jackie told her, intercepting one of Uncle's strikes with a carved-bone flute from a nearby display. "Without it, the spell isn't strong enough!"

"It's not just that!" Tohru added. "It still should have done _something_ , even if it didn't work completely! The spider silk must not be a symbol!"

"But Athena _created_ spiders!" Jackie argued, catching Uncle's spear with the flute and trying to outmuscle him. Vanessa joined him from the side.

"And Tiny created a bum spell!" Vanessa snarled, gesturing to Tohru behind her. "That doesn't mean he's putting it on his resume! Just like when Athena created-" Her eyes flew to Jackie's hands, and she smiled.

"Surrender!" Uncle roared, bearing down on them with a wicked smile as he pressed them to the floor with godly strength. "Yield and Uncle promises to make your end quick and painless!"

Jackie and Vanessa tucked and rolled behind the old man again, but he just smiled as the sound of footsteps filled the air. Cloth mummies began filing into the room, each one carrying a Viking weapon.

"Think fast, Chan!" Vanessa ordered. Her hand flew out and grabbed the flute, and she brought it to her mouth, blowing random notes. The sound was atrocious, but nobody seemed more pained than Uncle.

"Ai-yah! Woman mocks Uncle with failed creation?" he growled, slamming his hands over his ears. Jackie and Tohru took the opportunity to start bowling over mummies. "You will regret this!"

"Jackie, what else was sacred to Athena?" Tohru demanded as the mummies flew at them. "What were her symbols?"

"Um, the owl," he said, kicking one mummy into another and stealing its shield to bash another, "the snake..." Pausing for a moment, he threw the shield on the ground and jumped onto it, stealing a spear from another mummy and spinning around, weapon out to push them away. "And...olives!"

"Right, of course!" Tohru gasped. "Olive oil can solve everything!"

"Fantastic!" Vanessa added sarcastically, in between notes. "Let's just run to the supermarket and get some - oh, right! We're trapped here!" As she spoke, Uncle was flying at her in a rage, and she could barely avoid him, even with teleportation. Every second, he was closing in, and the mummies had them surrounded.

As she dodged one of Uncle's lunges, though, his robe bounced a little with extra weight, which didn't escape Tohru's notice. "Sensei had a jar of olives in his jacket!" he realized.

"Do you think it's still there?" Jackie asked. "His clothes _did_ go through a radical transformation."

"Definitely!" Vanessa interjected. "When I became Zeus, I had my wallet in my pocket, and it was left untouched. We just need someone to grab it off him!"

At that exact moment, Uncle brought his spear down on Vanessa's flute, jarring it from her hands and sending it crashing to the floor in pieces. "Ah! Finally Uncle can destroy you in peace!"

Uncle's moves, already ferocious, became five times as intense now that he was left without distraction. What was more, every move he made was accompanied by a razor-thin thread, slowly surrounding the relic hunter in a cage of wire. Vanessa was assaulted so fast, she couldn't even think to teleport, and soon she was so hemmed in by thread that she could barely move for fear of losing a limb. Soon she dropped her sword, not having the room to use it amongst the razor wire.

With a victorious grin, Uncle swiped her feet, knocked her into the air with his shield, and was about to impale her with his spear when Jackie tackled the old man from behind. Vanessa quickly landed on her feet, the threads slackening around her, but before she could take advantage of them, Uncle made a quick movement with his head. In an instant, the razor-sharp threads flattened out and meshed together, securing Vanessa in a tight net.

Uncle's head spun around 180 degrees like an owl's. "You think you can oppose Uncle?" Uncle demanded of Jackie, taking a stance before his attack. "Uncle taught you _everything_ you know!"

Jackie flipped, somersaulted, tumbled, and flew, desperately dodging Uncle's weapon as he tried to close in on his esteemed elder and reach into what was once his coat pocket. Tohru tried to help, running at him, but was held off by a wall of mummies who, with their combined strength, pinned him to the ground.

With one more vicious strike to Jackie's chest, Uncle sent his nephew crumpling to the floor.

"No more meddling!" the old man declared, holding up his spear for the finishing blow. "Any last words?"

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"Please, Jackie!" Jade begged, staring hopelessly at her uncle through the frayed threads as the dimension unraveled around her. "Think of something!"

"It's no good," Eris said, grinning madly. "The old man has won, and there's not a thing you can do about it!"

"I don't see what you're so happy about," Captain Black said with a frown. "Him keeping the power still means you lose the challenge. Not that that matters, since we're all about to be destroyed anyway," he added, looking up at the constantly growing holes surrounding them.

"Oh please, what do you take me for? Diminished or not, I'm still a goddess; I can keep my minion and I snug as bugs while this place falls apart, then walk right out and nab Athena's essence just like that!" Eris replied, snapping her fingers. "Face it, Prometheus; you're as good as beat!"

Prometheus scowled at the goddess, and turned to Hestia as Nemesis, Mnemosyne, and Themis looked on. "Hestia, please!" he begged. "You need to declare a verdict! I know you don't like to decide who lives and dies, but this is for the greater good!"

"I...I can't!" Hestia wailed. "No one here deserves death!"

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

Desperate, Jackie's mind flew to the same question he'd asked himself not long ago: _What would Jade do?_

His mind flew into overdrive, but ultimately, only one, very strange and absolutely _crazy_ idea came to him.

 _This is a long shot, but it's all I've got!_ "Yes, actually," he finally said. "Uncle...you were always the smartest of us, and now have all the knowledge of Athena at your disposal. Can you answer just one tiny little question for me?"

"Ha!" Uncle snorted, baring his teeth. "Finally someone appreciates Uncle's wisdom! Uncle knows everything; always has, and always will! Now, what is your question?"

Jackie closed his eyes and took a deep breath. This was it.

"You said you taught me everything I know," he began. "But that only applies to martial arts, not to magic! I've been watching you work your magic potions and heard you talk about ingredients, but now...now I've been conflicted.

"So tell me, Uncle. When it comes to magic ingredients...which is more important for life: Garlic, or olive oil?"

(And if Jade could hear this, she'd either be amazed at Uncle Jackie's wit or questioning why he'd ask _that_ of all things)

Uncle brayed, a wide grin coming over his face. "You are truly foolish if you do not know _that_ answer! As, Uncle has always said, 'most important ingredient in magic, in food, in health, has always been ga-'"

Suddenly, the old man's eye twitched. His smile disappeared, and he whipped his head to the side. "Olive oil must be-" His head whipped again. "Garlic is superi-"

To Jackie's fright, Uncle began to fly into convulsions, his head spinning around on his shoulders as he argued with himself on the merits of different food additives. Jackie hesitated for only a moment, though, and brought himself to lunge at the old man and reach into his robes.

"Ugh!" Jackie shuddered as his hand disappeared into the folds. It felt like nothing so much as sticking his hand in a gigantic spider web, with coarse and sticky threads impeding his reach at every turn. However, within a few seconds, he felt his hand close around a familiar jar-shaped object. "Tohru, catch!" he cried, tearing it out of the robe and tossing it through the air at the mountain of a man, who was buried under a troop of mummies.

Tohru grunted and struggled, and, with a rush of adrenaline, burst free of Uncle's minions, catching the jar in his massive hand. Wrinkling his nose at the strands of silk still clinging to the lid, he quickly, he twisted open the jar and threw in his remaining spell components. Once they were mixed in, he drizzled it over the chi-o-matic, held it above his head, and began chanting. _"Theía Dýnami, Afíste Grígora! Theía Dýnami, Afíste Grígora!"_

Once more, the chi-o-matic lit up and spun, but this time it began emitting noise, Tohru's chant seemingly echoing from within the device's containment jar. Uncle, still arguing with himself, abruptly stopped and snapped his head 180 degrees, glaring at Tohru.

"No, no! Uncle will not be stopped here!" Uncle shouted, turning his body around to match his head. However, before he could move, his arms and legs were caught in an iron-hard grip.

"Don't let up, Tiny! Finish the job!" Vanessa snapped, her limbs securely laced around Uncle's, keeping him from moving even a finger. As Tohru continued chanting, another beam of energy flew out and struck Uncle in the chest. This time, though, it held strong rather than fading, turning a gentle gray color. Uncle cried out in pain, thrashing and writhing in Vanessa's grip, but it was no use. Before long, Uncle was restored to his normal self, while the chi-o-matic's containment jar was filled with a sharp gray light.

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"Enough is enough!" Themis shouted, slamming down her gavel. She and her two associates were so frayed that they looked more like torn dolls than mystical beings. "If the jury does not declare a verdict immediately, I will have no choice but to declare this a mistrial!"

"Which means you let everyone go?" Jade asked hopefully, beaming up at the titaness.

"I'm afraid not," Nemesis said, grinning as she hefted her sword. "It means that I finally get to do my job. Your Honor?"

Themis nodded. "Proceed, bailiff," she replied, her expression stern. "And seeing as Divinity has already been held in contempt, you may begin there."

"With pleasure!" Nemesis laughed as she turned to face Eris and Kasahara, flourishing her massive blade with a single hand. In response, Kasahara stepped in front of Eris, his body shifting to his paper samurai form, still with his own head.

"To destroy Lady Eris, you shall have to go through me!" Kasahara declared. "And I will make you work for it."

"Oh, how difficult it will be to cut through a man made of paper!" Nemesis howled. Baring her teeth, she swung her sword back, making as if to chop Kasahara clean in half. However, as the thief tensed to receive the blow, Nemesis suddenly stopped short.

"Bailiff?" Themis asked, turning her blindfolded face in the goddess's direction. "Why have you stopped?"

"...Figures," Nemesis muttered, closing her eyes. "The fun always ends a moment too soon." The words had no sooner left her lips when she collapsed to the ground, unraveling into a torrent of black thread before flying through one of the holes in the courtroom.

"Yahoo! We waited them out!" Jade cheered as the courtroom began to destabilize even more, walls separating from walls to reveal only blank space.

"Fools!" Themis screamed as she and Mnemosyne unraveled. "You have left justice unserved! You will live to regret this!"

A few seconds later, they were gone. The courtroom followed suit, as did the bindings on Eris, leaving them floating in the void.

"So...what now?" Captain Black asked, only to be immediately answered by a sudden explosion. The five were sent hurtling outward, and found themselves crashing to the hardwood floor of the museum.

"Huh? Where'd Uncle's palace go?" Jade asked, looking around.

"You're not quick on the uptake, are you kid?" Eris groaned, resting a hand on her head. "The courtroom breaking should've dumped us all into null-space. If we're here, it means-"

"Jade!" came a voice from behind them. She quickly turned, only to get swept up in a hug by Tohru. Standing next to him were a relieved Jackie, a despondent Uncle, and an extremely annoyed-looking Vanessa, holding her wrists to her chest. All around them were some very confused-looking museum guests.

"What happened?" Kasahara asked, staring at his companion.

"Desperate times called for desperate measures," Vanessa told him. "Also, got any ice? Pretty sure my wrists are broken."

"The old man was _that_ tough?" Eris asked, casting a side eye at Uncle.

"You have no idea what 'a piece of Uncle' can do," Vanessa growled, shaking her head. "But that was just the left one. The right one was-"

Before she could finish, Jackie approached the relic hunter and clapped a hand on her shoulder. "You know, Vanessa, you helped us a lot today. You might consider joining Section 13," he said, casting a glance at Captain Black.

Captain Black was confused, but quickly added, "We have full dental, and every Thursday is Donut Day."

"...Tiny over there just broke my other wrist when I tried to nab the gadget," Vanessa said incredulously, "and you decide _now's_ the best time for a sales pitch?"

Before Jackie or Captain Black could reply, Jade noticed something. "Hey, where's Hestia?" she asked. Indeed, the goddess was nowhere to be found.

"I guess she decided to stay out of it after all," Eris said with a sigh.

"What? But we got the power!" Jackie shouted, looking at the gray glow inside the chi-o-matic.

"But that was before we confronted her with hours of courtroom drama and secret dredging," Prometheus said, frowning. "She couldn't choose a side when our lives were depending on it; it wouldn't be too surprising if she decided that neutrality was the way to go."

"Good riddance to bad rubbish, that's what I say!" Eris scoffed. "After what she pulled with the _amphora_ , she'll be lucky if I leave her to tend her stupid fireplace! But more importantly, Kashara! Snatch that device!"

The fold-up man transformed fully into a paper samurai and lunged at Tohru, preparing to seize the chi-o-matic in his pointed hands. However, before he could, a booted heel slammed into his foot, pinning him in place.

"No. We're done here today," Vanessa said, glaring at Origami.

Eris looked Vanessa over, giving a smug sneer. "Vanessa," she said, "don't tell me you're identifying with your captors? You've developed...I don't know...some sort of syndrome!"

"Insubordination! Betrayal!" Kasahara raged, his head returning to normal.

"Reason," Vanessa bit out. "I'm down my arms," she continued, folding her arms across her chest to emphasize, "you're exhausted, and Eris can only take us so far. We fight, we lose, we get locked up. Or we leave, we move on, we get 'em next time. I doubt they're in any position to stop us if we just walk out."

"That's what you thi-" Jade began, leaping down from Tohru's arms, only to fall face-first into the ground, her legs giving out from under her. "...On second thought, I'mma sit this one out," she continued, her voice muffled by the marble floor.

"Not happening, Vanessa," Jackie said, entering a stance. "Hestia or not, we're not letting you three get away."

"He's right. Besides," Captain Black added, "I'm still fighting fit."

Vanessa rolled her eyes. "Eh, worth a shot. Honestly, I was just buying time anyway."

"I'm going to regret asking, but for what?" Tohru grumbled.

"To get this," Vanessa replied, uncrossing her arms. Held in between her thumb and middle finger were two tiny glass cymbals, which she brought together with a deft movement. Immediately, the entire Chan Clan was knocked to the ground by an intense wave of sound blasting into their ears.

"Wait, what the-?" Kasahara asked as Vanessa helped him up.

"I'm a relic hunter; you really think I wouldn't have a few artifacts on me just in case?" she snarked.

"Then why the Hades didn't you use that earlier?!" Eris snapped.

"Because after one use-" Vanessa began, only to wince as the cymbals shattered into pieces, leaving bleeding streaks on her fingers, "-that happens. Stolen artifacts; you get what you pay for. Anyway, we need to leave now before it wears off."

Eris glared at Vanessa for a moment, growling audibly, before throwing her hands up. "Fine, whatever! At least Hestia's out of the picture. Take us out!"

Vanessa nodded and, with an odd sound, the three villains vanished., As soon as they left, the sound faded, leaving the exhausted Chan Clan to get to their feet. From the windows, they could see the villains reappearing, jumping onto Eris' chariot, and taking off.

"...so, uh…" said one tourist, an overweight man in a very ugly red sweater. "Would anybody care to explain what's going on?"

"Not really," Prometheus sighed. "Let's just get out of here."

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

The ride home was smooth, but quiet. Nobody seemed willing to talk for quite some time, especially not Uncle, who kept staring at his feet. It wasn't until they'd arrived in Section 13's hangar that Jade broke the silence. "Oh, come on, guys!" she cried, getting to her feet. "Sure, Hestia just bailed, and Eris got away, but we got the power _and_ we saved Uncle! That's good, right?"

"One power is insufficient," Prometheus sighed as the group began the walk to the cafeteria. "It's the ones afterward that matter. Without Hestia, we can't fix the _amphora_ or locate future powers. We were lucky to be near Eris when Athena's activated. I can try to talk to her again, but with all she's heard, I'm not liking my chances…"

"Look on the bright side," Jade said. "At least she's not helping Eris."

"Probably," Jackie pointed out. "For all we know, she met them at their hideout."

"Jackie," Captain Black groaned, "sometimes we don't need the full details. And that's coming from the head of an espionage division."

"...Uncle is sorry for behavior," Uncle said quietly. "Should have thought more before grabbing shield."

"Do not blame yourself, Sensei," Tohru said, resting a hand on Uncle's shoulder. "We've all fallen sway to the lure of dark magic."

Without a word, Prometheus delivered a two-fingered strike to Tohru's forehead. "Not dark magic!" he snapped. " _Divine_ magic!"

"My mistake," Tohru said, rubbing his head.

"One more thing!" Prometheus continued, looking at Uncle, "He's not wrong. Don't beat yourself up over it. You're a very wise man, but you're still human. The gods got wrapped up in their power, and most of them began with the best of intentions. If it happened to them, it can happen to anyone."

"...You think Uncle is wise?" Uncle asked, confused.

"I think Uncle is stubborn and annoying, actually," Prometheus muttered, "but I can't deny you've got some skills. Maybe just get outside of your own head once in a while and actually _listen_. I had to learn that lesson the hard way."

"I just wish I could've been there to help you guys," Jade lamented. "I woulda given those mummies a lesson in the ancient art of butt-whoop."

"Jade, from what I have heard, you may have saved us all," Jackie chuckled. "Do you think Themis would have stopped at just five victims? If Uncle had kept the power, it only would have gotten worse from there. But you argued, you fought, and you bought yourself the time you needed."

"Well done, Agent Jade," Captain Black said with a wink.

"Yes, it was very impressive testimony," came a familiar voice. The entire group looked up, and gasped. Hestia was seated at a cafeteria table, slicing up a peach pie, and she wasn't alone. Sitting around her were a tall, broad-shouldered man with a greenish tinge to his skin, a pale redheaded man with a beakish nose, and a short Chinese man with orange sunglasses. All three of them were digging into their own slices of pie.

"Hey, guys," the biggest man, Ratso, said, greeting them with a wave. "Your friend arrived back ahead of you."

Captain Black closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, not sure whether to reprimand Ratso for digging into pie or sigh in relief at the fact that he called Hestia a "friend". "A stranger without ID just walks in and serves pie, and you do nothing but sit down and enjoy it?"

"We're not security guards!" the Chinese man, Chow, snapped.

"She just walked out of a giant bonfire! What'd you expect us to do?" the redhead, Finn, added.

" _And_ ," Ratso pointed out, "it was really good pie! Come on, have some!"

Hestia laughed at this. "Oh, Ratso. That's so sweet of you. But yes, I always bring a host gift. And this time, I have another." She reached behind her back and pulled out a familiar clay urn, now fully restored.

"Pie _and_ magic!" Jade cheered. "I'm so in!"

The group all sat down and tucked in to pie, save for Prometheus, who gave Hestia a bit of a side-eye. "So, does this mean that you were convinced after all?" he asked.

"Not quite, I'm afraid," Hestia replied, smiling sadly. "Choosing between the world and family is all but impossible. But you did succeed in my challenge, and I'm happy to honor that. Besides, with all that was stirred up in that trial, I think I'll be the last person Eris wants to see."

"Well, whatever the circumstances, we're grateful for your help," Captain Black said, giving a nod of the head to the goddess and trying to hide his blush.

"Thank you," Hestia said. "However, I'm afraid that I do have some conditions for my assistance."

Captain Black choked on his pie. His face visibly cooled down as he turned to properly faced Hestia. "What exactly do you mean by 'conditions'?" he asked, trying to keep his voice level.

"Not as bad as you're thinking," Hestia answered. "After all, it'd be rather hypocritical of me to enforce divine rule over you all. Just an old-fashioned deal when it comes to godly assistance. I'll stay with you and provide moral support, education, and training. I'll even protect this place so Eris can't just barge in. But I refuse to fight, so when it comes to retrieving the powers, you're on your own."

"Reasonable enough," Prometheus said, finally reaching for the urn. "Besides, I can take care of any divine combat-"

"Oh no you don't!" Hestia objected, pulling the _amphora_ away. "You're following these rules, too! No direct interference, otherwise I go back to Olympus. Understood?"

"Okay, okay!" Prometheus relented, raising his arms. "I get the picture. Besides, this bunch has accomplished great things before, and will accomplish even greater things with our guidance."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," Jade said sarcastically.

"In any case, good to have you aboard, Hestia," Captain Black said, his voice returning to normal. He shook her hand, and became red all over again. "If you have any, uh, questions, or need anything at all, I'd...I'd be happy to help."

Hestia gave a friendly laugh back. "I just might take you up on that," she said, causing Captain Black to blush even more fiercely.

"Yeah, this is great and all," Jade said. "But I just can't shake the feeling that we're forgetting something..."

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

Crouching within his hiding place of a broom closet in a Swedish herring hatchery, an old Chinese monk who had recently advanced up America's Most Wanted list made an important phone call.

"Yes, hello? Scandinavian Airlines? I'd like to book a one-way ticket to San Francisco. Ugh...coach," he groaned. "Ancient wisdom: The calf breaks a leg, and the herd takes off without him."

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

PA2: And that's a wrap! One power and one ally gained, several uncomfortable truths revealed! Seems like a good deal to me.

 _MP: Are we talking about the chapter or your last family reunion?_

PA2: Hardy-har. That being said, no time to rest on our laurels. MP, let them know what they'll be in for next time, please?

 _MP: In a minute. As usual, shout-out to Green Phantom Queen, who added a few lines to the chapter when she had a chance, and whom we wish the best. Still recommending people check out her works._

PA2: You're a good friend, man.

 _MP: Thanks. Well, next chapter the race for the godly essence is truly on, and this time the Chan Clan will be down a member! "Hera Apparent" is coming soon!_

PA2: Look forward to it! Also, if you liked the chapters, feel free to show your appreciation with faves, follows, and most especially reviews! We love hearing feedback, so please let us know what you thought! Take care!


	7. Hera Apparent

_PA2: And here we are again, bringing you Chapter 7 of JCA: OJ!_

 **MP: Yes, and I'm particularly proud of this one. My twisted mind managed some interesting ideas for this god.**

 _PA2:_ Goddess, _MP. Let's give her the respect she deserves._

 **MP: Wow, spoiled before we even showed the title. Nice work.**

 _PA2: We revealed it at the end of the last chapter, remember? Anyway, without further ado, enjoy!_

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

 **Jackie Chan Adventures: Olympian Journey**

 **Chapter 7: Hera Apparent**

Jade did her best to go limp as her massive opponent tossed her across the room. The brute was no Tohru, but he was easily five times her weight and no stranger to combat. Jade made a quick list of her advantages, by far the most notable being her speed. She ran around the lug, avoiding his muscled arms, and dodging under his legs whenever possible. Once she'd built up her speed, she bounced off a wall and delivered a flying kick to his face. The big man stumbled back, and Jade took the chance to aim another blow at his chest, sending him reeling.

"Ow!" Ratso complained. "That really hurt, kid!"

"Hey, you volunteered for this," Captain Black said, casually watching the fight from the corner. "So you want that bonus pay or not?"

Ratso grunted and tried to grab Jade, but she jumped and somersaulted forward, elbowing Ratso in the shin. He dropped down, grabbing the stinging spot. "Oh, that's it! I'm out!"

Growling, the ex-Enforcer stormed out, as best he could with his new limp. Jade rolled her eyes at this. "Hard to believe he used to go toe-to-toe with Uncle Jackie," she said.

"Yeah," Captain Black said with a nod. "Still, nice of him to volunteer to help out."

"Good point," Jade replied. "Remind me to get him a new Gnomekop figure for his collection; that should cheer him up."

"That and the bonus," Captain Black chuckled. "Well, I guess that's the end of training for today, sport. Now, get started on your homework. I've gotta look for a new sparring partner for you."

Jade sighed and left the Section 13 dojo, grabbing her backpack from the hook by the door and making her way to the cafeteria. On her way, she was tackled by a loud grey ball of fur.

"Scruffy!" she laughed, pushing him back to the floor. "I wondered where you were hiding? Ready for some lunch?"

Scruffy barked in response, and Jade led him along to the lunchroom. Ratso was already there, working along with Finn to hand out the food, while Chow was making coffee. As Jade walked in, he gave her a quick wave and flashed an "okay" sign before turning back to work. Jade gave him a thumbs up in reply, then began walking across the room, Scruffy barking at her heels the whole way.

It had only been a week since Hestia had set up shop, and already things were starting to change. For one thing, the atmosphere of the base just felt homier, with decorative flourishes on the walls and furniture that hadn't been there before. For another, the quality of the dining had improved tremendously. It had never been outright terrible, but now it was starting to look like the stuff a high-end restaurant would serve. And the multitude of thank-you notes left outside of Hestia's door, not to mention the miniature shrine set up in the back, clearly showed the agency's appreciation. According to Captain Black, the base had never been so cheerful.

Jade grabbed a chair at her usual table, and was in no way surprised to find Uncle Jackie already there. She was a little surprised, though, at the disappointed look on his face. This was hardly new, but usually he would make that face whenever she had just taken a jetpack for a joyride or lost track of Scruffy until he'd marked his territory inside a missile silo. Scruffy took no notice of the look on Jackie's face, though, cheerfully barking and running around his legs.

"Jade," Jackie said over the barks, folding his fingers. "Is there something that you want to tell me?"

"You know I aced torture resistance, right?" Jade sighed as she sat down. "If you want to talk to me about something, then just say it."

Jackie's eyes went wide. "Captain Black is _torturing you!?_ " he demanded.

"Oh, duh! We decided not to tell you," Jade said, slapping her forehead. "The general thinking was that you'd overreact. So, what's going on?"

"I..." Jackie said, clearly warring with himself about which topic to pursue, "...well, it's about school. Your teacher emailed me this."

He pulled out a sheet of paper and slid it in front of his niece. She looked down at the big red 0, alongside the bigger, equally red F, and groaned. "Seriously? They tell you before even talking to me? That's just not right," she grumbled, crossing her arms.

"Jade, this is serious!" Jackie exclaimed. "This report counted for twenty percent of your grade!" Scruffy's barking continued, and Jackie tried to shoo him away.

"Quiet boy," Jade commanded, to no effect, before turning back to her uncle. "So? There's still eighty percent left. Maybe you should be working on your math instead of my studies."

"That's no excuse," Jackie said, pulling the paper back slightly, as Scruffy grabbed his pant leg and started a tug of war, "This was your midterm, Jade! This represents half a year's worth of learning. And what am I supposed to tell your parents! This is exactly why they sent you here! Shoo, Scruffy!" he finished, kicking a leg out and sending Scruffy stumbling back. Seemingly convinced that he wasn't getting any food, the dog ran off to who-knows-where.

"Yes, that was made abundantly clear to me," Jade sighed as she watched the dog run off. "Look, it says right here that they'd let me try one more time, so what's the big deal?" she asked, pointing at the note on top of the page.

"The 'big deal'" Jackie said, his eyes narrowing, "is that a retake doesn't mean anything if we can't pinpoint _why_ you failed in the first place! And I think we both know the answer there."

"We're really going there?" Jade asked incredulously. "Every kid in school cares more about the extracurriculars than their classes; just because mine are a little more high-octane doesn't make them different."

"And if you were obsessed with the soccer team or the computer club, we'd be having the same conversation," Jackie replied. "Jade, you're training to be a spy. You're coming along on adventures. You're in the drama club. You have a dog. You're a Dragon Scout. You're spreading yourself too thin, and you're not giving your academics the focus they need!"

"This is the first F I've gotten all year!" Jade argued. "And I totally did the research! Look here: Ronald Reagan was president and the AIDS virus was first discovered. That _definitely_ happened in 1984!"

"It was an _English_ midterm! You were supposed to do a report on the _novel_ Nineteen Eighty-Four! And you would know that if you'd been paying any attention at all! You're a clever girl, but you have to sort out your priorities. Do you think that Eris is just goofing off?"

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"Whee!" Eris cried, her patchwork dress flapping about as she bounced on her new trampoline. "This is nearly as much fun as Ares' war games!"

The added height gave her a view of all of her lair's new additions, too - the triple bunk beds, extra-large fridge, sectional sofa, big-screen tv, sno-cone machine, mechanical parakeet, a wrought-iron platypus sculpture, and the many, _many_ decorative cushions stitched with groan-worthy puns, along with so much other impressive but relatively useless junk.

"Boss, I feel we should go over our expenses," Vanessa said, trying to grab the bouncing goddess. "Between these, food, and everything else, we've spent nearly everything we made fencing those artifacts."

"Do I look like I care about money?!" Eris snapped. She flung herself on the floor and grabbed Vanessa's ponytail, bringing the relic hunter to her knees. "We'll possess the entire _world_ once I'm done! Besides, I don't hear you complaining about that new whip I bought you!"

"I'm just saying that maybe you shouldn't try to fill the void your aunt left with stuff we don't need," Vanessa muttered, her hands twitching as they strayed towards the aforementioned whip. Eris stiffened and lashed out to grab Vanessa's wrist with her other hand, glaring all the while.

"Choose your next words very carefully, Barone," Eris said, her voice full of quiet menace. "And your actions even more so."

For a moment, Vanessa stared at Eris with unbridled fury, before sighing and relaxing her arms. Her features softened, going from a murderous rage to what seemed to be genuine concern. "Boss, I heard you crying last night," she whispered. "I get it, you're evil, we're trying to take over the world, but can you stop with the performance already? It's not necessary."

Eris stared at Vanessa for a moment longer before letting go of her ponytail, dropping her to the ground. "I have no idea what you're talking about," she sniffed, turning her nose up at Vanessa.

"Of course you don't," Vanessa grumbled as she stood up and brushed herself off. "You forbid you actually do some soul-searching every once in a while. Well," she continued in a louder tone, "whatever you've been buying this stuff for, it's still eating up a lot of money for not a lot of value."

"Indeed," Kasahara complained, a rubber frog perched atop his head. "You could have at _least_ bought a stove, Lady Eris. It would be nice to have a hot meal now and then."

Eris glared at him. "As I already told you," she said through gritted teeth, "stoves, boilers, furnaces - anything that generates comforting heat also gives Hestia a direct line to our lair! Whether she's staying out or helping Chan, I can't have her spying on us! You want hot food? Cook it elsewhere!"

"Speaking of 'elsewhere'," Vanessa asked, glancing at the factory's entrance, "have either of you seen the monk?"

"Probably outside ranting," Kasahara said with a shrug. "Six days and he hasn't stopped complaining."

"I'm right here!" Zhixin snapped, rising from his lotus position behind an inflatable elephant. He swatted the air-filled pachyderm aside and raised his hands to blast at his fellow henchmen, who teleported away and flattened themselves, respectively. "And I think I have the right to complain! You left me petrified! In a museum! In _Sweden_!"

"Ancient wisdom," Vanessa said with a smirk, mimicking the monk's wheezy voice. "The more it is repeated, the less it is heard."

The old monk growled and somersaulted forward, leaning in to kick Vanessa in the face. As she moved to dodge, he surprised her at the last second by firing another blast of energy directly at her stomach, sending her collapsing into the couch. "Don't test me, Barone!" he snarled.

"Don't need to," Vanessa growled as she spared a quick glance at Eris, who seemed to be occupied with a giant Rubik's cube. "It was a nice shot, but it hardly compares to what you could do with the _actual_ Scroll of Hung Chao." She dodged another shot and kept talking. "Oh, did I touch a nerve? What kind of monk fails to memorize something he's been searching for his entire life? You had hours with the scroll, and you only remembered the basic blasting glyph?"

"Do you have any idea how complicated those inscriptions were?" Zhixin snapped back. "And every detail is important! Shape, stroke order, incantation, all essential! Besides, _you_ try working from a pile of ash, which is all the Chans left me with! At least you had half a necklace to tinker with!"

As Zhixin fumed, Vanessa cast a quick glance over to Kasahara, who gave an almost imperceptible nod before clearing his throat. "As the only one here who never lost a magic object to Chan-Jackie-Chan, I think _I_ have seniority!" he bragged, puffing out his narrow chest.

"It's just 'Chan', you idiot!" Zhixin snapped. "And I am every bit as capable as either of you, if not more! Just because that gorgon got the jump on me-"

"And Chan, and Captain Black," Vanessa pointed out with a smirk.

"And the little girl and her sumo," Kasahara added.

"- _doesn't make me weak!_ " the monk continued, angrily ignoring the interruption. "My knowledge of magic is far greater than yours, Vanessa, while my understanding of Far East relics surpasses even _yours_ , Kasahara! And if I have to tear the two of you apart to make you accept that, then I will do so gladly!"

Zhixin charged up a blast on each hand, while the other two took battle stances, but were interrupted by the sound of a teakettle whistling.

"If either of you think that we're calling a halt just because the tea is finished, you have another think coming!" Zhixin snapped. "So take that kettle off so we can get on with this!"

"We don't have a kettle," Vanessa pointed out. "No way to heat it, remember?"

The trio looked up at Eris, back on her trampoline, but clearly distracted. She was emitting the high-pitched whistle, as well as a lot of golden mist, as her entire torso had cracked open and peeled back like a lid. "Quit your bickering!" she screeched. "We've got a live one!"

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"Jade, I'm serious!" Jackie insisted, as Jade tried counter after counter. "It's time you put more work into your studies. Now, pick up your book and start-"

"Whatever it is, it has to wait!" came a familiar voice as Prometheus charged through the cafeteria, followed closely by Uncle and Tohru. In his hands was the repaired _amphora_ , which was disgorging golden mist at an incredible rate. "A power has just revealed itself!" he continued, slamming the urn onto the table.

"Sweet!" Jade shouted, pumping her fist, before turning to glance at Jackie's annoyed expression. "I mean, oh, too bad, Uncle Jackie and I were just in the middle of something. Guess we'll have to save it for now."

Jackie opened his mouth to reply when Uncle stopped him with a two-finger strike. "Discipline later! Magic is happening!"

As the five watched, the golden mists began to coalesce over the _amphora_ 's mouth, forming a dense cloud. After a moment, the cloud opened up, revealing the image of a dark-haired goddess, her dark brown eyes glaring at someone unseen. Her features were severe and yet majestic, conveying at once power and disdain. She was dressed in brightly colored robes and elegant jewels, and was holding a peacock feather fan in one hand.

"Wonderful," Prometheus groaned, putting a hand to his head. "First Zeus, then Athena, now…"

"Hera," Tohru finished. "Queen of the gods."

The goddess briefly turned her head to Tohru, almost as though she could actually hear her name being spoken, before the image dissolved into a swirl of color. It then quickly reshaped itself into a map, one depicting a very familiar country.

"India?" Jade asked as the map zoomed in closer. "This is, what, the third time we've been there?"

"Looks like it's in Agra," Jackie pointed out, ignoring Jade's comment. "At least we know the layout there."

"And at least spider-woman is on other side of the world this time, where she belongs," Uncle added with an imperious sniff.

"Sensei, please," Tohru sighed. "She is my mother."

"She is annoying shrew!" Uncle retorted. "Uncle will not be stopped from speaking the truth!"

"Focus, both of you!" Prometheus snapped. "We still need to know what we're looking for!"

The mist reshaped again, this time displaying the image of a fine antique wreath made of peacock feathers on an ivory-white wall covered in art and ornaments.

"Please tell me that that is _not_ where I think it is," Jackie groaned.

"White marble, Agra," Prometheus muttered, "don't see how it could be anywhere else but…"

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"The Taj Mahal?" Vanessa asked with a grin, looking at the image produced by the golden mist. "Ah, I've always wanted to try my luck there!"

"Why haven't you?" Kasahara asked. "Seems like it would be easy with your abilities."

"You're joking, right? Guards and tourists 24/7, it'd be a nightmare and a half to pull off," Vanessa replied. "But if I could, that'd really be something!"

"Well, looks like you'll get your chance," Eris said, her torso folded back into place. "Although I don't think snatching a wreath is something you can put on your thieving resume."

"Eh, a good challenge is its own reward," Vanessa scoffed. "Especially when the prize is something as... _divine_ as this is."

"...Okay, now I'm just wishing I'd made that pun first," Eris said, pouting as she looked over her joke-embroidered pillows. "Seriously, how'd you get to it before me?"

"Who cares?!" Zhixin snapped, startling the other three. "We have a target and a destination! Let's get on the chariot and get moving!" Without waiting for a response, he stomped off outside, staring angrily at the symbols on his palms.

For a moment, Eris, Vanessa, and Kasahara stood still. Then, Vanessa sighed. "Well, that went swimmingly," she said, rolling her eyes.

"Remind me again why you thought poking Zhixin in his ego would actually _help_ at all?" Eris asked.

"Anger tends to burn out stress," Vanessa replied. "At least, that's what I was going for."

"We thought that if we made him focus on proving himself, it'd allow him to discharge some of the resentment healthily," Kasahara added. "Instead, it seems we've just added fuel to the fire."

"Yeah, you really should have thought about that," Eris scoffed. "Anyway, what's Plan B?"

"Ignore him forever," Kasahara said simply. At Vanessa and Eris's askance looks, he added, "Tell me I was the only one thinking it."

"Certainly would be better than the _actual_ Plan B," Vanessa sighed. "You sure you want to go with this, Boss?"

"If the cards fall right, of course!" Eris said gleefully as the three started walking toward the doors. "I'd rather not need it, but no plan is so important that it can't wait for a little chaos. And either way, this promises to be a Hades of a good time."

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"What do you mean, I'm not coming?!" Jade shouted, slamming her hands down on the table.

"Exactly what I said," Jackie replied, his expression stern. "You have a book to read, and a failing grade that shows that you need it. And since this is the only 'extracurricular' we have today, that's what's getting removed."

"But _c'mon_! This is saving the world we're talking about! I think that's more important than a book report!"

"Nothing is more important than education, Jade," Jackie said, folding his arms. "This subject is closed. You are not going, and that is final."

"But-" Jade started to say, before Jackie interrupted her.

"No buts," Jackie told her. "You're going to stay right here and hit the books with Prometheus."

"I'm sorry, what?!" the Titan of Forethought snapped. "You expect me to play nursemaid while divine power is at stake?!"

"Honestly, you're the only one I trust to keep Jade from sneaking on board whatever plane we take to get there," Jackie sighed. "She's outfoxed everyone else. Besides, I bet you know these books inside and out."

"...Fine," Prometheus grumbled. "But you will call me when you get the wreath so I can tell you how to contain it properly. Also, hang on to this," he added, pulling a vial of flame from his pocket and handing it to Uncle. "You might not need it, but here it is just in case. I'll explain if and when it's needed. And I've already texted Captain Black. Your private jet is ready to go."

"...Do you just have magic vials on you at all times?" Jackie asked, prompting a wry grin from Prometheus. "Oh, right, forethought. My mistake," he continued, sighing as Uncle tucked the vial away. Looking at Jade's frustrated expression, he knelt down before her. "Jade, I know this feels like a punishment, but I'm doing it to help. You know Captain Black would agree."

Jade just faced Jackie down, bearing a sly grin. "Jackie, how many times have you tried to leave me behind?" she asked. "You know I always find a way to come along. What makes you think this time will be any different?"

Jackie took a moment to think about this, then smiled back.

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"This feels excessive," Jade muttered. She glared at her uncle from her restraints, bound tight with belts and locks over her upright dolly. Jackie had actually left a little while ago, but had kept an eye on her through a video-call on her phone, held by Prometheus.

"Sorry, but you had a point," Jackie sighed. "And after what happened in solitary, you left me no choice. Now, we're taking off. We'll see you when you get back, _with_ that book finished, and then we can talk about what else will be happening before this retake."

The screen flipped off, and finally, mercifully, Prometheus released her from her restraints.

"...So what now?" Jade asked, angrily going through her backpack. "We have a wacky babysitting montage while they're off saving the world?"

"Hardly," Prometheus scoffed, returning Jade's phone and taking his own out of his pocket. "While I agree with him about your education, there's something important that needs doing first. We're heading to the shrine."

"Wait, why?" Jade asked, confusion starting to replace the frustration.

"I think you probably know," Prometheus replied calmly. "I need to talk to an old flame, and you might be just the kindling I need to do it."

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"Jackie, stop pacing," Uncle ordered. "Bad enough that we are in plane, but you are making Uncle even more dizzy!"

Jackie sighed and stopped his nervous movements long enough to give Uncle an exasperated look. "What can I do, Uncle? I'm worried about Jade."

"I understand that a bad grade is concerning," Tohru reassured, "but with a little extra study-"

"Not that!" Jackie snapped. "Well, yes, that," he rectified, "but more about the mission. I have a nasty suspicion that as soon as we land, she's going to pop out of the cargo hold or something."

Uncle rolled his eyes. "You watched Jade on live video call as plane took off! No way she can be in two places at once!"

"Jade has done exactly that!" Jackie snapped. "Remember that trip to Tokyo?"

"You are being paranoid," Tohru reassured. "Try and take your mind off of it. Help us research Hera. What do you know about her?"

Jackie sighed and tried to clear his head. "Hera was the queen of the gods, patron goddess of marriage and motherhood. Her symbols were the cow, the peacock, and the lotus-"

"Which is why Prometheus packed us a lotus flower for the removal spell, just in case," Tohru said, holding up a white blossom.

"Hera was also very quick to anger, and easily offended," Jackie continued. "Whenever Zeus had a child out of wedlock, which was often, Hera was known to curse the mother or child. From what I can tell, most people worshipped her not because she gave gifts, but to avoid her wrath."

"Bah!" Uncle sneered. "None of this will matter so long as you recover wreath before forces of chaos!"

"Don't you mean 'we'?" Jackie asked, before wincing as Uncle delivered a two-finger strike to his head.

"You expect Uncle to fight!? You and Tohru must face forces of chaos! Uncle will try to find a spell to hold back Eris! You focus on Hera!"

"According to this text," Tohru said, moving his finger along a guide to Greek mythology, "Hera was known to control monsters, such as Karkinos the crab, Argus the hundred-eyed giant, and even the mighty Python…"

Jackie shook his head. "Prometheus said that once the gods were gone, humans hunted monsters to extinction. Besides, most of those monsters died in their original stories."

Tohru shook his head. "Athena's power turned two innocent people into Medusa and Arachne. Who is to say that Hera's could not do the same? We must be prepared for setbacks of all sorts."

Jackie jumped as he heard a thud from the luggage compartment behind him. "Jade," he muttered. "If that is you…"

"It is just the luggage shifting in flight," Tohru reassured, but Jackie still moved over to investigate. He flung open the compartment, and soon was knocked to the floor by his suitcase. With a yelp, a gray bundle of fur dropped down on top of it and began licking his face.

"Scruffy?!" Jackie cried, struggling to throw off the heavy suitcase. "What in the world?"

"How did he close the door?" Uncle asked, staring in amazement.

"Scruffy is Jade's dog," Tohru said, equally nonplussed. "I would not doubt his ability to do _anything_."

Finally, in spite of all of the little dog's jumping, Jackie managed to free himself and snatch Scruffy in his arms. "What are we going to do with you?" he asked the animal. "It's too late to turn around."

Scruffy barked in his face and continued licking him, oblivious to Jackie's frustration.

"We had better call Jade," Jackie sighed, shaking his head.

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"So, let me get this straight," said Jade. "You want me to help be the mediator between you and Hestia?"

"Is it that difficult to understand?" asked Prometheus. "She likes you a lot more than she likes me, after all."

"Tch, no surprise there," Jade scoffed, folding her arms behind her head. "After all, you already did her dirty once."

"Phrasing," Prometheus grumbled, wiping his forehead with a pocket handkerchief. The two were descending into the depths of Section 13 on their way to the boiler room, and the heat was getting rather intense. "But there is another reason I wanted you here. You have something the others lack."

"What, are you going to tell me I've got more 'heart' or whatever?" Jade asked, using her sleeve to brush her sweat-laden bangs out of her face. "Because that's as hokey as your face turn back at Olympus."

"And that's exactly what I'm talking about," Prometheus said. "You're skeptical. Your uncle Jackie and the sumo are far too trusting; they take the world as it presents itself. A fine way to view things, but not so effective against chaos, tricksters, and other manipulators."

"What about Uncle?"

"Your 'uncle' is a stubborn old goat who distrusts me out of wounded pride rather than insight," the Titan answered tersely. "He'd be bothered by me if I came around driving an ice cream truck and offering free spells with the dessert."

"You do realize that's equally sketchy to everything else you've been doing, right?" Jade asked sarcastically. "I mean, the 'white van and candy' trope is around for a reason."

"And now this conversation is over," Prometheus growled as they walked up to a large set of bronze double doors, each one marked with the image of a flame.

"Wasn't the boiler room on the left side of the hallway?" Jade asked, looking over the imposing entrance. "And, you know, _not_ looking like a temple?"

"Hestia likes her comfort," Prometheus said with a wry smile. "I'm sure you can understand that." He approached the doors and rapped his knuckles against one.

"Enter," Hestia's voice rang out. Prometheus pushed open the doors and he and Jade walked in. The room was surprisingly bare, with only a single cot with a thin quilt, and a basin beside it. Up against one wall was a very large furnace, gently rumbling. Up against the other was a statuary of Hestia tending a fire. Gifts of flowers and small candy had been left around it.

The room was sweltering. Jade instantly stripped off her hoodie, leaving her in a white T-shirt, while Prometheus took off his jacket. Hestia, on the other hand, looked perfectly content, sitting in a lotus position with her eyes closed.

"And what brings you down here at this hour?" the goddess asked, her quiet voice somehow reverberating off of the walls. "I doubt that you've come bearing gifts."

"Historical references. Cute," Prometheus said, striding forward. "As it so happens, history is what I'm here to talk about today. Ancient history."

"Oh? Have you come with yet another apology for your past misdeeds? Perhaps it will be more sincere this time," Hestia said, opening her eyes. As she did, Jade involuntarily took a step back. Despite the heat of the room, those eyes were ice cold.

"If apologies are owed, Hestia, then I am due one as well," Prometheus replied, his body emitting a slight haze of flames.

 _They...they really aren't human_ , Jade thought as she backed away further. Indeed, the Titan and the goddess were practically glowing with divine aura. Gone was the motherly caretaker and the cantankerous trickster; now was only the finely honed rage of the last two full deities of the Greek pantheon.

"I suppose I could not avoid this forever," Hestia sighed, standing from her lotus position. "You're upset about the _amphora_?"

"Upset is hardly the word I would use," Prometheus snarled. "You have the gall to judge me when it was your hands that tipped the balance? Your 'gift' of Hope was your own invention, and it was as instrumental in the downfall of your family as any of my plans."

"I was trying to protect them!" Hestia snapped, the flames in the boiler rising up in response to her anger. "They would have killed each other if I hadn't! I will not be judged by you, _synarmologití_ _!_ "

"'Kinslayer'?" Prometheus chuckled. "Hardly. I helped the Gods imprison the Titans. _You_ helped me slay the Gods. Now, to whom does the title most apply?"

"You seek to manipulate them, as you always have," Hestia growled, walking up to Prometheus. "That's why you brought the child; so you could have a witness to your depravity. You are the same as always; you will lie and cheat to obtain what you want. Your farcical repentance when dealing with Athena is proof of that."

"And who accepted that farce?" Prometheus argued. "Who delayed and dallied during the trial with Themis, when your hands are already stained gold from ichor? Who has set herself up as a queen amongst these mortals, feeding on their worship as if the Pantheon still lived? You accuse me of crimes that you yourself are guilty of, Polýmorphos!"

"You throw titles in my face? Then perhaps I shall bring up some of my own, Thief of Fire, Trickster-"

"Okay, both of you JUST SHUT UP!" Jade snapped, angrily marching forward. "Is _this_ what you wanted me to see? Your stupid lovers' quarrel? Because in case you haven't noticed, the only thing you two've done is prove that _neither_ of you can be trusted!"

"You dare mock me?!" Hestia bellowed, her eyes blazing with flame as she turned to Jade. "You must learn your place, child!"

"See that, right there?" Jade asked, adrenaline keeping the intimidation at bay. " _That_ is exactly what I'm talking about! You play nice, you cook, you clean up, but the moment someone acts up, all of that goes out the window! I have no idea what the old guy called you, but you're clearly shady! I mean, you bail on us after Sweden and then show up here? What's to say that youdidn't do the same thing with Eris?"

"I-" Hestia began, only for Jade to interrupt her and turn to Prometheus.

"And you!" she continued, pointing at the Titan. "You've been flip-flopping all over the place since we met you! You shove me out a plane, then say that you like me? That just proves that you'll say and do whatever it takes to get you what you want! It doesn't even _matter_ what you really think; you'll already be figuring out how to use _that_ to your advantage! I don't know who you think you are, but you were right about one thing: I've definitely got a healthy dose of skepticism. And I'll be using it to keep an eye on _both_ _of you_!"

With that, Jade turned on her heel and stormed out the doors, pausing only briefly to look back at Prometheus. "And I know that's probably what you wanted, but here's the thing about plans that involve me: they have a tendency to backfire! Think about that one, hotheads!"

As she stomped off, her phone rang, and she answered. "Hello!" she yelled, still fired up. She waited for a moment as Jackie replied. "No, I did _not_ sneak Scruffy into the plane! Why would I do that?" Silence. "Well, you'll just have to keep an eye on him, then!" More silence. "Winston Smith, now let me read the rest, okay?!"

She jabbed the "End Call" icon so hard that the screen nearly cracked, then angrily shoved it in her pocket. Pulling the book from her backpack, she made her way back down the hallway, leaving Prometheus and Hestia to stare.

"...Interesting brat, isn't she?" Prometheus chuckled.

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There was a heavy thud that knocked over Uncle's pile of books as the plane made its landing in the Agra airport.

"No time to lose!" Uncle announced, bending over to shovel his books back into his arms. "Tohru, hail a cab! The two of us must get to Taj Mahal before forces of chaos!"

"Two?" Jackie repeated. "What do you expect _me_ to do?"

"Walk Scruffy! He has been agitated since takeoff!"

Jackie sighed and took a spare piece of rope from the emergency kit, tying it to the little dog's collar. As soon as the door opened, Scruffy bolted out like a bullet, dragging the much larger man behind him with an excited bark.

"Sensei, is this really a good idea? Jackie _is_ our best hand-to-hand fighter," Tohru said as he and Uncle made to disembark.

"Though much diminished, Scruffy is still Noble Dog. Would be terrible idea to let forces of chaos anywhere near him," Uncle replied. "One more thing! Dogs not allowed in palace! We need to get in there fast before power is triggered by random tourist, or worse!"

As the two wizards tried to find a taxi, they were completely unaware of the large, white-clad man currently shadowing their every move...

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"No, Scruffy!" Jackie yelled as the little dog pulled him with surprising strength through the stall-lined bazaar. Every scent and sound seemed to excite the little mutt, and he eagerly zigzagged between them. "Heel! _Heel_! Baddogbaddog _baddog_!"

Sadly, Scruffy paid no attention to Jackie's instructions as he stole a bite of lamb from a stand, knocked over a tub of coriander, and barked incessantly at a pen of live chickens, scaring them out of their container and sending them running around the market with a chorus of frightened clucking, causing even more chaos. Jackie tugged and tugged at the makeshift leash, but the tighter he held, the more Scruffy seemed to fight, and the more the dog misbehaved. Scruffy ducked under a stall, and Jackie had to tuck and roll, then pop back up running to avoid a collision. As the woman selling the chickens screamed at him, he tossed her a handful of emergency money and, in that brief moment that he let go with one hand, Scruffy yanked his rope free and took off even faster down the road.

"...After this, Jade is signing him back up for obedience classes," Jackie sighed as he gave chase, following the chain of minor chaos Scruffy left in his wake. "Scruffy, wait! That is _not_ a hydrant!"

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"Ah," Eris said, exhaling a deep sigh of relief. "That feels wonderful."

"I'm going to take a wild guess here and say you're not talking about the environment," Vanessa said wryly. Eris and her followers were currently standing in line, having just passed through the gate to what was probably India's greatest work of architecture: a massive marble palace-slash-tomb, purest white in its coloration. The edifice stood proud at the southern bank of the Yamuna River, with four tall towers framing the corners and a huge dome-topped structure in the center, almost like a giant bulb of garlic, but thankfully without the smell. The grounds surrounding the Taj were an immaculate garden of emerald grasses and delicate shrubs, a far cry from its crowded and often filthy urban surroundings. Even the many tourists surrounding them were well-behaved, albeit talkative.

"Of course not! There's chaos going on nearby, and that always puts a smile on my face!" Eris snapped, literally drawing two more smiles on her cheeks with her index finger. However, those smiles almost immediately shifted into frowns. "This building, on the other hand, is just disgusting! It's one giant container for corpses! And it's so...white! There are other colors, you know!"

"Originally, there was meant to be a black version to compliment it, but they were unable to-" Zhixin began before Eris put a hand over his mouth.

"Zhixin, darling, I'm gonna level with you," she groaned. "I keep you around for a few reasons, but the trivia isn't one of them. The only thing I need to know about this place is where Hera's power is most likely to be hanging out, capice? So, what've you got?"

"That is unclear, Lady Eris," Kasahara replied with a bow of his head. "Wreaths are a common decorating element here; we may have to search the place top to bottom."

Eris rubbed a hand over her face in frustration, peeling the skin away. "Then we'll have to flush out the vermin - by which I mean humans," the face said as it hung from her hand. She gave it a shake and put it back on her head. "What do you think? Nostril-burning stench?"

"Perhaps we could just send in Kasahara to sneak around and-" Zhixin began, only to be cut off.

"Feels a bit tame, honestly," Vanessa interrupted as Zhixin seethed. "Plus, we should probably be thinking ahead for when the Chans show up. They don't scare easily, so we'll need something a little more serious. Something with teeth to it, metaphorically _and_ physically."

Eris gave this some thought. "Well," she said after a minute. "If there's one creature I know humans hate, it's…" She concentrated for a moment, closing her eyes and scowling as she chanted under her breath, " _Fídia sti Gi, apantíste stin klísi mou! Fídia sti Gi, apantíste stin klísi mou!_ "

Beneath the group's feet, the ground let out a soft rumble. Screams could be heard as it approached from afar, spilling through the entrance arch, vibrating as a wave swept toward the group. As the wave approached, writhing and hissing, Eris's henchmen were able to make out that it was not one big thing, but instead a great many small ones. Hundreds upon hundreds of little yellow- and black-striped snakes slithered all over each other as they answered Eris's call, writhing and swarming toward the goddess. Dozens of tourists shrieked, froze, or passed out. Kasahara gulped and transformed into a single piece of paper, flattening himself against the mausoleum's white wall, where he was nearly invisible. Vanessa teleported onto the nearest shrub, watching the creatures go by. Zhixin, with fewer options, simply yelped and climbed on Eris's shoulders, earning him a punch to the chin as his boss waved the snakes into the Taj.

Almost immediately, shrieks and gasps could be heard from within the monument. People began fleeing out of every other exit available, screaming in half a dozen different languages. Most of them had cellphones out, desperately trying to report the situation to animal control.

"That takes care of the sheep," Eris chuckled. "Now, let's go pluck that peacock."

"You know, we could have just taken a hostage or two," the old monk suggested. "Ancient wisdom: It is the foolish spider who is caught in her own web."

"...What?"

Zhixin opened his mouth to clarify when Kasahara yelped, "Watch out for snakes!" from his hiding place, promoting a dirty look from the old monk.

"I've got it covered," Vanessa said, emerging from the bushes. She pulled out a set of panpipes and began playing a gentle tune. All around, the snakes could be seen relaxing to the melody.

"Impressive," Eris said as she strode over to Vanessa. "Is that another artifact?"

"Nope," Vanessa replied between puffs. "I've had lessons in snake charming. It's better with a flute, but the panpipes felt more appropriate."

Gingerly, and still shivering, Kasahara emerged from his hiding place, and Zhixin climbed down from Eris as Vanessa led the way inside the Taj. The interior was just as spectacular as the outside, with walls of smooth white marble, and floors and ceilings decorated with tile mosaics and mandalas. Every hall seemed to lead to rooms full of memorials, and the walls were piled high with works of art.

"Split up and find me that wreath!" Eris ordered. The thieves each nodded and took off in a different direction, scouring the place.

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"One more thing," Uncle complained. "You drive too slowly! Uncle must stop forces of chaos before it is too late! One more thing! Stop driving over potholes! Uncle's potion is spilling!"

Tohru sighed. His sensei had been going on like this since they had left the airport. When Uncle wasn't personally driving, he could be the worst passenger. At least he could talk and work at the same time. But even Uncle couldn't blame the driver when a stampede of people came running from the direction of the Taj Mahal, screaming and panicking, forcing the taxi to an abrupt halt.

"Eris is already here!" Uncle cried. "We must go now!"

Grabbing his ingredients, Uncle threw open the cab door and raced out. Sighing, Tohru paid the slack-jawed cab driver, plus a generous tip, and ran after him, barrelling past the panicked tourists as Uncle readied his blowfish.

"Aiyah!" Uncle cried, skidding to a halt just through the entrance to the palace grounds. Tohru was going too fast to stop in time, though, and with one touch from the giant's stomach, Uncle was hurled directly into the gardens, landing on his stomach directly in the massive nest of snakes. Sweating bullets, the old man moved slowly and deliberately, gently lifting himself up to his knees as the snakes slithered by, uninterested. Relieved, Uncle got to his feet and dusted the grass stains off of his vest. "Much magic is at work here," he muttered.

Gingerly, Tohru set one of his colossal feet into a small spot without snakes. The serpents showed little interest, neither attacking nor retreating as he rested his weight.

"Be very careful, Tohru!" Uncle warned. "Those are banded kraits! As venomous as cobras! One more thing! Whatever has calmed them will not last long!"

"Yes, Sensei!" Tohru answered, doing his best to hurry through. Every step was like risking a land mine going off as he crossed the gardens, his huge strides easily catching up to Uncle. Doing his best to be helpful, he lifted the old man onto his shoulders and kept walking, but about three quarters of the way over, the snakes began to grow restless. They began slithering much more quickly, hissing out warnings.

"Sensei," Tohru whispered, shivering, " _please_ tell me you have a plan?"

"Do not move, Tohru!" Uncle warned also in the same tone of voice. "Uncle must work!"

Grabbing his bag of ingredients, Uncle mixed together a few ingredients and poured them over his blowfish. _"Yu Mo Gui Gwai Fai Di Zao. Yu Mo Gui Gwai Fai Di Zao,"_ he whispered, pointing the fish at a bare spot on the ground. "Maintain balance, Tohru," Uncle hissed in his ex-apprentice's ear.

Tohru nodded and planted his feet, and seconds later, the earth began to shake. It was just a minor tremor, but the snakes began to scatter, fleeing to the edges of the garden and burrowing underground.

"Snakes very sensitive to vibrations," Uncle explained. "Hide underground before quakes."

The danger gone for now, Tohru quickly made his way into the Taj Mahal proper. As he put Uncle down, he scanned the entry hall, noting the disarrayed garlands, wreaths, and assorted decorations covering the floors. "Well, they certainly haven't been wasting time," he noted.

"If they had found power, they would still be here," Uncle muttered, peering deeper into the building. "Trail splits into three up ahead. They must have separated."

"Then we will have to pick a path and hope to get lucky," Tohru said. "Sensei, ready your combat spells."

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Kasahara chuckled to himself as he scanned the tomb around him, picking up the odd piece of fine art and tucking it into his robe. It may not have been what most would consider Far Eastern - especially him, the world's greatest thief and collector of Far East art - but anything worthy of the Taj was sure to fetch a pretty penny.

Walking through an underground passage, he stepped into the heart of the Taj - the burial chamber. As he gazed on the finest tombs in the palace, the true sarcophagi of Mumtaz Mahal and Shah Jahan (as opposed to the false ones on the main floor), a glint of blue sitting atop the far crypt caught his eye. It was a fine peacock-feather wreath, a ring of stringy blue, green, and brown, with a distinctive eye marking. It was certainly a dazzling decoration, and despite the gold and jewels filling the room, it seemed to shine with a divine radiance.

With a triumphant laugh, Kasahara snatched it up, taking time to seize an authentic watercolor masterpiece of the goddess Kali's destruction of the monster Raktabija. He dashed upstairs to deliver his prize to the boss, calling out, "Lady Eris, I have retrieved the wreath!" As he rounded a corner, though, he slammed into the solid wall of muscle that was Tohru's chest, falling to the tiled floor. As he lay there dazed, a pair of shoes walked into his line of sight.

"I am sorry," Uncle told the thief as he snatched the wreath from his hand, "I will _not_ bring it back later! Thank you!"

Kasahara snarled and transformed into his paper samurai form, lunging at the old man with his sharp-edged arms, but Tohru intercepted him with one hand, forcibly folding the master thief in his massive grip, turning him from a samurai into an oversized snowball before throwing him down the hall.

"Lady Eris!" Kasahara screamed, his face sticking out of the paper ball as he struggled to right himself. "The interlopers have arrived! Come quickly!"

"Hurry, Tohru!" Uncle urged as he and the giant sprinted down the halls. "No time to dilly-dally!"

As the two raced down the tile hallways, their footsteps echoed throughout the mausoleum. With little to slow them down, their speed increased as they approached the main hallway leading to the entrance, when Tohru was sent flying into the wall by a huge energy blast, leaving a considerable indentation and shaking loose thousands of dollars' worth of antiques.

"Ancient wisdom," Zhixin hissed as he emerged, charging up another blast. "The meal is served when the fish is cooked, not caught." He aimed the blast higher this time, right at Tohru's face, but Uncle was faster on the draw, firing a burst of energy from his blowfish that knocked the old monk off-balance. Gritting his teeth, Zhixin lunged at Uncle, sweeping the legs, but Uncle backstepped and dodged just in time, then blindsided the monk by slapping him across the face.

"You want a piece of Uncle?!" the old man demanded as the two charged up another round of energy blasts that ultimately canceled each other out.

Sneering back at Uncle, Zhixin leapt into the air, elbowed Uncle into a wall, and prepared to blast again, but was knocked away by a swipe from the now-recovered Tohru. Tohru followed up by slamming the monk into a wall with his belly, then grabbing Uncle and turning to escape, but Kasahara, who had finally uncrumpled himself, cut them off.

The thief folded himself into a paper centipede and climbed over the giant, clamping him with his mandibles. Tohru screamed and tried to shake him off, but Origami held tight. Pulling a vial from his vest pocket, Uncle popped the cork and threw the purplish contents at the fold-up man, then hit him with a blast from his blowfish. Before their eyes, Origami folded up into a tight square, then dropped to the floor, staring at them from a face atop the ream.

"I can't move!" the thief complained, glaring at the old wizard. "What sorcery is this?!"

"One of Uncle's first creations!" the old man bragged. "Spell for folding laundry. Must be resourceful in this line of work. Could never manage right amount of starch, but now…" he paused, then delivered a two-fingered strike to Tohru's forehead. "What are you waiting for, Tohru?!" he demanded. "We must get while getting is good!"

Tohru rolled his eyes and ran for it, but soon found his path blocked by the person he least wanted to meet. Eris grinned and fired a spell at the floor, warping the tiles and causing him to tumble forward, Uncle flying into the air above him. Tohru crashed down and the whole Taj shook, and Uncle landed on top of his giant ex-apprentice. A few sleepy-looking kraits eyed them, but kept their distance.

"Oh, what a lovely gift," Eris snickered, snatching the wreath from Uncle's hand. "When I rule the world, I'll send you a nice fruit bouquet. A nice one, too. With minimal cantaloupe."

Uncle moved with surprising speed, bouncing off of Tohru and seizing the wreath, leading to another tug-of-war between the two. Eris snarled and increased her pull, but Tohru got to his feet and grabbed Uncle tight around his waist. Together, the two managed to steal the ornament back.

"I'll be taking that, if you don't mind," Vanessa spoke up, teleporting beside Uncle and taking the wreath for herself. With some pounding footsteps, a recovered Kasahara and Zhixin sprinted down the hall to flank her.

"Quick, give it to the boss!" Zhixin ordered, seeing the prize in Vanessa's hand.

"Don't tell me what to do!" Vanessa snapped, but she seemed to like the idea. She hurled the wreath like a frisbee and Eris caught it.

"At last!" the Goddess of Discord shrieked. "Now, witness the power of the queen of the gods!"

She held up the wreath and began to chant, channeling the ancient magic to harmonize with her own, when she was unexpectedly stricken from behind by a small grey bundle of fur. The small but surprisingly strong nuisance knocked her to the floor and seized the wreath in his mouth, then took off running, a length of rope trailing behind him. Vanessa lashed out her whip, but he dodged to the side, ducking between Kasahara's legs, and narrowly avoiding Zhixin as the old monk dove for him.

"Scruffy!" Jackie cried, huffing and puffing down the hall. "Sit! Stay! Oh, Jade will never forgive me if he gets hurt!" As he stopped to catch his breath, he looked up with a start. "Wait, is this the-?" was all he had time to say before Vanessa slammed a kick into his midsection, knocking him to the ground.

"Hah! I'll never get tired of that!" Vanessa chortled as she planted her foot atop his back, pinning him to the ground. She turned her head to Kasahara and Zhixin and continued, "You two, take care of the cur."

"Hold it, underlings! I want the first piece of that mutt!" Eris snarled, charging towards Scruffy with death in her eyes. Literally - her irises had taken the shape of skulls. "Of all of the miscreants to stop me from obtaining the powers of Hera herself, it had to be that _dog_!"

However, while Eris tried to take the lead, Zhixin was closest. The old monk sped down the hall, swerving around a corner, but Uncle and Tohru were close on his heels, followed by Eris and Kasahara.

"My, my, Chan," Vanessa purred, digging her heel into the small of Jackie's back. "It appears that this will be our last dance."

"Then I'll take the lead," Jackie shot back. He forcefully pressed himself up with both hands and flipped over onto his back, sending Vanessa tumbling into a wall, then popped back up, leaping into the air for a flying punch. Vanessa teleported to the other wall just in time, and Jackie ended up striking the marble with his fist. He winced and shook off the pain, then did the splits and fell to the floor just before Vanessa's whip could strike the back of his head. Pressing off against the wall, he vaulted into a backward roll, planted his hands on the floor, and executed a perfect backflip with his legs still spread wide, clamping down on Vanessa as he landed and holding her arms to her side.

"I _do_ so hate it when men get clingy," she sneered, before turning and bashing Jackie into the wall behind her. When his grip loosened, she burst free and tried to kick him in the chest again, but he dodged right and punched her in the cheek. The blow made her spin, and he made a break for it as she hit the floor, dashing down the hall in pursuit of the dog.

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Still following Scruffy down the halls, Zhixin was elbowed aside by Uncle as the old man passed him. Enraged, he charged up a blast, but Tohru kicked him aside and he missed. Eris leapt over his prone form, while Kasahara, his expression slightly concerned, conspicuously hesitated for just a moment near the old monk before continuing the pursuit.

"What are the odds that Scruffy would come here?" Tohru puffed as he ducked to avoid Kasahara, who had folded into a cricket and tried to pounce on him. He stood back for a second, then trampled the thief flat.

"Better than you think," Uncle replied, twisting as they rounded another corner. Scruffy barked just ahead and leapt atop a decorative marble sarcophagus, assuming a playful position. "Scruffy still holds traces of magic, and magic seeks magic."

"Speaking of which..." Eris barked. The goddess smashed her way behind Tohru, briefly turning her hands into talons to seize the giant's back and hoist herself over, flying out in front of him to tackle the dog. Scruffy showed no fear, though, treating everything as it was a game. He scampered aside, shaking his head with the wreath as Eris lunged again. "Disgusting beast!" she screeched. "Give me that wreath!"

Scruffy was backed into a corner as Eris prepared to scoop him up, but Jackie arrived just in time, somersaulting over the others and kicking Eris aside. Eris popped back up, even more furious than before, and ferociously leapt at Jackie, delivering a nasty punch to his ribs, but Jackie held his own, recovering and blocking Eris's next strike. "Run, Scruffy!" he ordered, praying that once, just this once, the dog would obey.

After a quick look around the room, Scruffy dashed off in the direction of the entrance, prompting a sigh of relief from Jackie. Kasahara folded into a tiger and pounced, but Tohru shoved him aside, knocking the thief to the ground. Before the giant could grab for the dog, Vanessa teleported in and kicked him away with one high heel to the stomach. Before she could take her prize, Uncle blasted her away. Scruffy ignored it all and kept running, but as he ran past the still form of Zhixin, the old monk's hand shot out like a bullet, snatching the wreath and lifting Scruffy up with it.

"No!" Uncle shouted. All around them, the fracas came to a grinding halt as Scruffy whimpered, eyes wide with fear.

Zhixin got to his feet, a chuckle building in his throat. "Ancient wisdom: the possum knows when to lie in wait, and when to strike," he said, turning the wreath over in his hands. Scruffy's jaws were still clamping tight, but the wreath wouldn't tear. In fact, it was starting to glow, the eye patterns briefly glancing around the room. "If everyone is going to look down on me, I might as well take advantage of it."

"But possums don't actually-" Kasahara started to say before Vanessa elbowed him in the ribs, knocking the wind out of him.

"Kasahara, shut up," Eris said out of the corner of her mouth, before turning her full attention to Zhixin."So I'm going to take a wild guess and assume you don't want to just give me the thing."

"Honestly? Not particularly," Zhixin growled, the wreath's glow intensifying. "I have been ignored, denigrated, belittled, mocked, and left for dead in the lair of a monster! I think I have _earned_ a chance to take charge!"

"Yeah, thought so," Eris sighed, shaking her head. Jackie, Uncle and Tohru finally snapped out of their stupor and tried to charge forward, but with a flick of her wrist, the goddess surrounded them in kraits.

"Mistress Eris, you are taking this...much more calmly than expected," Kasahara said hesitantly.

"I told you earlier, didn't I? I'm here for chaos! Getting the power myself would have been the gold, but I can live with the silver of watching Zhixin wreck this place!" Eris said, grinning wildly. "Besides, wasn't this what you meant by 'Plan B'?"

"No, actually, but whatever," Vanessa moaned, putting a hand on her head. "Well, Kasahara, see you on the other side of this."

"Remind me why we thought this was the best way to help him relieve stress?" Kasahara asked, unaware of the reverberations starting to fill the room.

Vanessa opened her mouth to answer, only to be halted by a downright bestial growl emerging from Zhixin's mouth. " _STOP IGNORING ME!_ " the monk snapped, sending a blast of energy at the floor between them. He gritted his teeth and charged up another. "Ancient wisdom: Only a fool ignores a warlord!"

As he stood there, seething, a voice sounded in his head. It was feminine, but harsh and impossibly authoritative. _"Zhixin,"_ it said. _"I understand your frustration. I, too, know what it is like to be disrespected. It appears that we are of one mind, so let us be of one power as well!"_

"I couldn't agree more!" Zhixin shouted, laughing maniacally. The wreath in his hand grew even brighter, glowing like a second sun. A moment later, the glow grew to encompass Zhixin's entire body, leaving Scruffy fultilly hanging from the hand of a man-shaped mass of energy.

"Bad day bad day _bad day_ …" Jackie muttered as the glow slowly began to shrink around Zhixin's form. Within a few seconds, the glow had formed a tight silhouette, only to peel away and unfold like the fan of a peacock, revealing Zhixin's new appearance. The old monk's robe had gone from its plain maroon to a resplendent royal blue, with a fine tail of peacock feathers spread out to his full height. Silver rings decorated with sapphires glittered from every one of his fingers, and a silver band, a ferronnière, bearing a glittering gemstone eye rested on his brow. The most notable change, though, was far beyond his clothing. He carried himself with an air of unshakable confidence, a presence unmistakable for anything other than a ruler. The kraits froze in awe of him, their lean bodies standing at attention. Even Scruffy stopped squirming as he hung from the wreath. Everybody remained silent as the monk cast his eyes at his cohorts. "Apologize!" he commanded in an echoing tone, the eye upon his ferronnière flashing as he did.

Kasahara took a knee and opened his mouth, but Vanessa gritted her teeth and, with effort, slapped a hand over his face. After a mere moment of this, though, she weakened and knelt as well.

"Yes, that is where you belong!" Zhixin cackled, tossing Scruffy aside with a flick of his wrist. The dog hit the wall with a whimper and hid behind Jackie's leg. "Groveling in the dirt before my magnificent presence!"

"Okay, let's not get _too_ crazy here," Eris said, rolling her eyes. "First of all, a marble floor is hardly _dirt_. And secondly, _you_ still work for _me_. Don't forget that."

"Don't presume to tell me what to do!" Zhixin snapped, his tiara flashing once more. "I am he who bears the mantle of the queen of the gods, while you are-"

"A goddess born and true," Eris interrupted, her voice deadly cold. "Attempt to wield Hera's power on me again and you will _feel_ the difference between us. _Brutally_."

Startled, the old monk took a step back, shaking his head from side to side. "Yes, of course!" he stammered. "Please forgive-"

"Don't worry about it," Eris scoffed, her demeanor back to normal. "We've _all_ gotten drunk with power and done things we regret in the morning. More than once I cut off a piece of a person and hung it on a tree as fruit. Just keep it aimed at the right targets," she continued. "Now, I'll let you have your fun, but let's test out Auntie's spell first…"

Eris began to chant in a language far older than Greek as she made bizarre movements with her hands, channeling ancient powers. A brightly colored line formed between her and Zhixin, like a vacuum tube trying to suck him dry. To everyone's surprise, though, it sputtered and died without result. The goddess frowned, disappointed, before shaking her head. "Great. Not even a little pull. It appears that the power latches on tight at first; doesn't want to change owners just yet. But more importantly…" she cast an eye at her other two minions. Zhixin nodded and waved his hand, and Vanessa and Kasahara returned to their feet.

"Ugh," Vanessa moaned, rubbing her hands over her arms. "Why does karma feel like I've been dipped in ice water?"

"It felt more like puppet strings to me," Kasahara said, shivering. "Is all forgiven now, Zhixin?" he asked hopefully.

"Ancient wisdom," the monk told him. "Honor is easily lost, but long fought to regain. Now get out of my sight."

"I'll take care of that," Eris told him. She took a moment to conjure something between her hands, then tossed it at the monk. He examined it closely, finding a round piece of rubber.

"A whoopie cushion?" he said, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, if you get into trouble, give it a squeeze. Have fun! Be back later for that power!"

With a snap of her fingers, Eris disappeared in a puff of rainbow-colored smoke, along with Kasahara and Vanessa, leaving only a graffiti apple.

During this entire interaction, Jackie, Uncle, and Tohru had been in awe of the absolute strangeness unfolding before their eyes. Demons, sorcerers, demon sorcerers - nothing compared to the freak show of the gods. Nonetheless, they recovered, and Uncle pulled out his chi-o-matic. "Tohru," he ordered. "Give Uncle lotus flower! Must prepare spell!"

Tohru nodded and pulled out their spell kit, handing the old man the aforementioned blossom. There was a bright flash of light, a stream of energy, and the flower was vaporized immediately, leaving the giant speechless.

"Did you think it would be that easy?" Zhixin sneered, one of the eyespots on his tail glowing as he charged up another shot.

Jackie chuckled nervously. "Uh, maybe?" he said, only to yelp as he was forced to dodge rapid-fire blasts from Zhixin's fully spread tail. His expression shifted, though, and he somersaulted over the kraits and through the blasts, landing beside the monk and snatching the powerless wreath from his hand. "But this should work, too!" he shouted, leaning back to throw it to Uncle.

There was another blast, and the wreath burned away. Jackie's eyes went wide. "Well, I'm out of ideas."

"Then allow me to experiment," Zhixin told him, a Cheshire cat grin spreading across his narrow face. He swept his leg and knocked Jackie off-balance, then tossed him back into the ring of kraits.

As the snakes surrounded the trio and Scruffy, Uncle and Tohru whipped out their blowfish, preparing to repel them, but the snakes stayed where they were. Instead, they merely rose up like cobras, nearly balancing on the tips of their tails, and began to hiss violently. The sound reverberated and became louder and more frequent, more of a buzz than a hiss. Their eyes turned multifaceted, and the tips of their tails hardened like nails. Many of them took to the air on small clear wings growing from their midsections. And yet at the same time, they retained their fangs, now clearly dripping with venom, their scales were more densely packed, and their forked tongues waved in the air.

"...What _are_ those things?" Tohru whispered, completely horrified.

"Do you like them? Snakes can be such wild and selfish creatures, but bees are different. They respect authority. Everything they do is in service of their queen. The only problem is that they aren't deadly enough. So I combined the two beasts into one magnificent race. _These_ are creatures worthy of my rule." Zhixin's expression turned thoughtful as he put a hand to his chin. "I _am_ going to need to think of a name, though…" he mused, tapping his fingers against his face. "Oh well. Problems for later. Right now, it is time to rid myself of you pests once and for all! Attack, my pets!"

The eye on Zhixin's ferronnière flashed, and the snake-bees lunged forward. Jackie reacted fastest, seizing an antique shield from the wall and blocking the first wave of flying monsters. Their teeth bounced off of the barrier, but they curled their tails underneath, eager to strike with their fangs. With his other hand, Jackie grabbed an old tapestry and spun his wrist, twirling the cloth into a makeshift whip, waving it over the heads in a feeble attempt to stop the creatures. Uncle took the opportunity to drop another spell on his blowfish and started firing. The snakes-bees, still numbering in the dozens, began to back away.

"Tohru!" Uncle ordered, "clear a path!"

Tohru grunted and pushed Jackie aside, then charged through the creatures like a bull, batting them away on both sides. Despite their fierce appearance, the monsters seemed surprisingly unwilling to bite, let alone sting. As Tohru led the way out, though, he was halted in his path by a blast to the floor in front of him.

"Stop right there!" Zhixin growled, proudly blowing smoke off of his palm. His ferronnière flashed, and Tohru froze in place with a furious expression. "Very good," the monk said, slightly taken aback by the effectiveness of his command. "Hm...on second thought, rather than getting my hands dirty, it would be much more rewarding to watch _you_ destroy your family. Well, tubby, get to it!"

Zhixin's ferronnière let out another flash, this one much brighter, and the life drained from Tohru's eyes on the spot. At the same time, a third eye opened on his forehead, a stylized image resembling the eye on Zhixin's ferronnière. Slowly, Tohru straightened from his charging posture and turned to face Jackie and Uncle. His normally kind, thoughtful face had turned into an ugly sneer that was all too familiar to them: it was the same expression he used to wear when he was working for the Dark Hand.

"Aiyah!" Uncle yelled, watching as Jackie continued to bat away the snake-bees. "Tohru, don't listen!"

"Ancient wisdom," Zhixin chortled. "The hungry tiger knows no reason. Your friend cannot hear you. He knows only my commands. And I command him to end you!"

There was another flash from the tiara's eye, and Tohru let out a grunt before sprinting at his old friends. The snake-bees now ignored the giant entirely, and he slipped through their numbers with his arms out, ready to pin Jackie and Uncle to the wall. Jackie reacted just in time, pushing Uncle aside and curling into a ball, rolling between Tohru's feet. He popped back up as Tohru turned, working quickly to dodge the sumo's strikes. Tohru was big, but slow, and for a moment Jackie thought he'd actually hold an advantage. Then he remembered that Tohru wasn't alone. The snake-bees lunged en masse, their fangs out, and Jackie gasped and vaulted off of Tohru, pushing off of his shoulder and flipping over him, then using all of his strength to push Tohru to his knees, just letting the monsters pass over him.

"We need to get out of here!" Jackie cried, and Uncle nodded. The old wizard blasted Tohru aside with a shot from his blowfish, and the two ran for it, but Tohru was much faster on his feet than ever before. He sprinted after the two, along with a swarm of Zhixin's monsters, quickly closing the gap between them. Jackie pushed Uncle forward and spun, leaping and landing a kick on Tohru's chin, sending him falling backward onto a large number of snake-bees. "Sorry!" Jackie apologized as he turned to run. "We'll come back for you!"

The two sprinted away, desperate to escape, but the old monk folded his tail and somersaulted forward, vaulting over Jackie and Uncle's heads and landing directly in front of them. Grinning, he began charging up blasts in both his hands, only for Jackie to bat the monk's hands upward to blast through the ceiling instead. Undaunted, Zhixin swept his foot out and sent Jackie crashing into Uncle beside him. The old monk readied another blast, but Jackie caught his wrists, redirecting the blasts yet again.

"You will not win, Chan!" Zhixin snarled. "My rule will be absolute!"

Jackie ignored him. "Run for it, Uncle!" he called. "Get out while you can!"

Uncle nodded and sprinted down the hall, finally reaching a corner where he'd be out of range of the old man's blasts, but he was held back by a single word.

"STOP!" Zhixin roared. The eye on his ferronnière flashed once more, and both Jackie and Uncle gave pause, as did Scruffy. Zhixin smiled, reveling in his victory, but the three proved more of a challenge than Tohru. All of them hesitated for a few seconds, but began to move once more. Uncle scooped up the dog and began sprinting as fast as he could, and was soon out of sight, while Jackie stood before the monk, glaring but otherwise still.

"Tut tut, Chan," Zhixin hissed, calling the snake-bees back to him. "You should know better than to glare at your betters. Besides, you think the old man can stop me? He'll be mine soon enough. In fact…" he murmured, snapping his fingers. Immediately, the eyes, fangs, and stingers of the snake-bees pulsed with a sickly green light. "That should make starting my reign even easier. Now after him!" he ordered, sending the monsters buzzing down the hall.

"And now for you, Chan," the old monk continued, looking over Jackie with an eager eye. "Stand down!"

Jackie grit his teeth and moaned, but, as if pressed down by a massive hand, fell to his knees.

"Good, good," Zhixin laughed. "Now, bow before your master."

The light finally went out in Jackie's eyes as he fell forward, an obedient slave to the monk.

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 **MP: Now** _ **that**_ **is a cliffhanger! I mean, if I didn't know what happens next, I'd be** _ **so**_ **impatient! Well, see you in a month or two!**

 _PA2: We'll try to be a little quicker with the next update for everyone's sake. Still, better quality updates slowly than terrible content quickly! Just look at James Patterson._

 **MP: Which example is that? Are we about to get sued for that comment?**

 _PA2: Comedy is protected speech, we're good. Besides, we have more important things to worry about! Like the next chapter preview!_

 **MP: Will Jade ever finish her book report in time? Find out in "Agra-vation"! Remember to fave, follow, and review! And check out Green Phantom Queen's works, too!**


	8. Agra-vation

**MP: Welcome back, story followers and curious newbies!**

 _PA2: You know, you can just say "readers". Or "fans". Or...really anything less wordy._

 **MP: But our words are our art! Anyway, when we last left our heroes, they were in a place and situation that you can just look up in the previous chapter. We're authors, not narrators! What, you're too lazy to read the first part?**

 _PA2: If we were narrators, we might actually make a buck off of this._

 **MP: Hey, you never know. We're living in the age of nostalgia, and revivals are becoming common. They need ideas.**

 _PA2: And they're gonna come to random fanfic writers on for Season 6 ideas? All the_ published _writers are on Ao3 or Wattpad now!_

 **MP: It's about building a fanbase! If it gets big enough, it doesn't matter where it started! (Seriously, I'm only half-joking about this!)**

 _PA2: Well, speaking of starting, let's get on with the show. Enjoy, everybody!_

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 **Chapter 8: Agra-vation**

The snake-bees nipped at Uncle's back as the old man bolted down the halls, moving faster than he had in a decade. Adrenaline was a powerful thing; under normal circumstances, he would've passed out by now, but the fear of a creature that can bite and sting at the same time is a powerful thing. He burst through the front door and leapt half his height as another, much larger swarm met him head-on. Desperately, he blasted at the swarm in front of him, creating just enough of a gap for him to tumble through into the garden.

It was a pity that Uncle wasn't as young as he used to be. Jackie would've sprung back up and kept running, or kept rolling as a ball. Uncle just fell and nearly sprained an ankle, then rolled to a stop, struggling to breathe as the wicked hybrids swarmed. "Stay back!" he ordered, raising his blowfish. "Uncle is warning you! Uncle is trained to use this!"

But he knew that it was an empty threat. There were thousands of them, and he could only shoot one at a time. Besides, he'd yet to actually _nail_ one; their skinny bodies made it hard for him to land a hit.

Scruffy barked at the wicked creatures, but they simply responded by baring their fangs. Each of them eyed the dog and old man, ready to sink their fangs into their flesh.

The snake-bees dove over the two, and Uncle threw himself flat on the ground, pressing Scruffy with him. Scruffy struggled and whined, but Uncle still had enough strength for this and nothing more. He watched as the snake-bees turned around in midair and came down for another try. The old man braced himself and closed his eyes, but instead found himself being hoisted into the air, Scruffy still held tight in his arms.

Uncle chanced a look around, and found himself staring at a man's very broad back in a white linen jacket, being rushed out of the courtyard and through the front gates. Scruffy, once again oblivious to the impending danger, let out a cheerful bark. The snake-bees were following closely, and another, equally large man in matching clothing was running alongside them. They zigzagged to avoid their pursuers as an old, rusted-over car let out a honk. With a final burst of speed, the man carrying Uncle hurled himself forward, tumbling all over the old man and dog into the backseat of the vehicle.

"Who are you?!" Uncle demanded, trying to push the man off of himself. The man didn't answer, instead leaping off of Uncle and slamming the door. Soon after, the other large man tumbled through the front door and slammed it shut just in time for three snake-bees to break their stingers against the window. The creatures hissed and headbutted the glass, but the window held firm. The man in the driver's seat, who had the same clothing as the other two but was much skinnier, turned the key and the car revved to life. Uncle was thrown back against the torn leather interior as the car surged forward.

"Aiyah!" the old man cried, desperately trying to buckle his seat belt as Scruffy jumped onto his lap. "Tell Uncle who you are! Now!"

"Such ingratitude for his saviors," the man next to him said, shaking his head. For the first time, Uncle was able to get a good look at him. He had bushy black eyebrows over his sharp black eyes, and a well-trimmed mustache and goatee. A white turban covered his hair.

"Most likely, our mission is the same as your own." The other large man spoke this time. He looked similar to the first, but with a more brutal face with a flat nose, shaggy eyebrows over tiny, piggish eyes, and a round, flat-topped hat called a taqiyah. He, too, had a goatee, but it wasn't as well-trimmed.

Uncle gasped. "You came for the power of Hera!?" he demanded.

The man in the turban nodded. "We had been following you since the airport, hoping to find the power's location and interrupt before the forces of chaos could claim that magic. Clearly, we were too late. Maybe if we had not _stopped on the way_!" He snarled, swatting the hat off of the other large man in front of him.

"No man masters his body enough to resist nature's call forever!" The man in the taqiyah complained, retrieving his hat.

"Wet yourself for all I care! The fate of India is at stake!" Turban snapped. "Thanks to you, we arrived late and dangerous magic has fallen into the wrong hands!"

Uncle growled and gave both men a two-fingered smack. "Start explaining!" he ordered. "Who are you! What do you want with power of Hera!"

"Is that what it was?" Turban asked, raising an eyebrow. "We were simply told it was a source of powerful magic that needed to be retrieved."

"We are the disciples of Mohajah," the driver said, speaking for the first time. In the rearview mirror, Uncle could see he wore a bindi on his forehead over a sharp, narrow face somewhat like Kasahara's. "Sworn to protect India from dark magic in all of its forms. And, if we are not mistaken, you are the uncle of Jackie Chan. Is that correct?"

Hearing Jackie's name made Uncle flash back to having to abandon his nephew. It was only minutes ago, but with the chase, it felt like so much longer. The color draining from his face, the old man nodded.

"I take your silence as a sign that something has happened to him," Taqiyah said, taking on a softer tone. "You have my sympathies, but based on what little we have seen, we need all the help we can get. If you have backup, call them now."

Uncle sighed and handed Scruffy, who was still leaping and barking, to Turban, then reached into his pocket and pulled out his flip phone.

" _That_ is your phone?!" Taqiyah gaped. "I heard you were an antique dealer, but I didn't think you _used_ them!"

"I took a vow of poverty, and even _I_ would be embarrassed to own such a relic," Turban agreed.

"Works perfectly well!" Uncle snapped, giving each of them a two-fingered strike. He didn't notice the yellow and black swarm approaching the car from behind.

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Jade snapped her book closed in frustration and threw it across the room. "Seriously!?" she said to nobody in particular. "They just end this with the guy brainwashed into a mindless drone!? Who _does_ that?!"

"I don't think there's a law about books having happy endings, kid," Finn sighed as he moved his mop beside her. "The book ain't a fairy tale."

"It's not about the happy ending, Finn. It's about the payoff!" Jade groaned, sinking into her seat. "You sit through a scene of a guy getting tortured, you want him to do something after! Go all _Rambo_ on their butts! Instead we have the scene in the cafe and then it just ends! Fade to black! Just give me something a little more _conclusive_!"

"It _was_ plenty conclusive," said a voice from behind. Jade groaned again and turned to face Prometheus. Hestia was beside him, and went to retrieve the book for her. "Just not in the way you wanted. But if you _insist_ that this novel have a happy ending, then read the appendix."

"You mean the Newspeak essay?" Jade asked incredulously. "What about it?"

"Read it yourself, dear," Hestia said with a smile, handing the book back to her. It was even opened to the right page. "And pay attention to the wording. Molasses cookie?" she finished, holding out a plate of steaming confections.

"Fine, fine," Jade grumbled. She grabbed a cookie and stuffed it in her bag just to quiet the goddess as she began to read, only to halt suddenly and glare at the two deities. "Also, don't think that you two acting 'normal' changes _anything_ about what happened earlier."

"Wouldn't dream of it," Prometheus chuckled, while Hestia sighed.

"I'm sensing terrible things right now," she said. "Hera's power has found a new host."

"I'm sure Jackie and the others will take care of it," Finn replied. "I mean, it's _Jackie Chan_ for crying out loud!"

"Jackie Chan is still mortal," Prometheus pointed out. "Even the greatest of mortals can succumb to the power of the gods. Especially if it's Hera that we're dealing with."

"All the better for _me_ to be out there and save his butt from getting whooped," said Jade, nose stuck in the appendix. "Ugh, this appendix is such a snooze fest!"

Just then, her phone rang. She reached for it, but Prometheus snatched it up.

"Jade Chan's phone," he said, giving Jade a stern glance as he tapped her book with one finger. Jade snarled and returned to reading.

"Prometheus!" Uncle's voice roared. The Titan of Forethought grimaced and held the phone at a distance. "Uncle has emergency!"

"Let me put you on speaker," Prometheus sighed. He set down the phone and tapped the screen, and Uncle's voice roared for all to hear.

"Hera's power has activated!" Uncle screamed, causing the phone to vibrate on the table. "Power is even greater than we expected!"

"Who got it?" Prometheus asked, sounding amused. "No, wait, let me guess: that old monk, right?"

"Titan of Foresight should stop being so smug and should _start helping_!" Uncle replied. "Zhixin has created swarm of monsters and captured Jackie and Tohru! Brainwashed them into his slaves!"

At that, Prometheus paused. "Oh. That's...not good," he muttered, stroking his chin. "I'd accounted for Tohru being controlled, but Jackie too?"

"Wait, hold up. What exactly do you mean by 'accounted for'?" Jade growled, tossing her book to the table.

"And if you were so sure it was going to happen, then why didn't you tell them more?" Finn, who was still in the corner with his mop, asked, prompting looks of surprise from the rest of the room. "What, I'm not allowed to ask questions?"

"No, I just forgot you were still here," Prometheus said bluntly.

"Hurtful," Chow said as he steamed up a latte at his stand.

"But par for the course," Ratso sighed as he bussed down a nearby counter, humming 'Mr. Cellophane' as he did.

"With how unnoticed we go, maybe _we_ shouldbe agents, too," Finn observed.

Prometheus ignored them, turning to Jade instead. "I predict countless possibilities and usually go by the most likely," he said. "I'm not as good as I used to be, but I'm still _very_ good. Point is, I foresaw plenty of futures where the power activates, most of them for Zhixin, and in just about all of them, Tohru gets brainwashed. Unfortunately, my predictions don't take themselves into account anymore."

"Meaning?" Jade asked, frowning.

"I can predict the future, but I _can't_ predict how my predictions will change it," Prometheus summarized. "If I tell you about them, you may get cold feet, or work too hard to change the course of events, or any number of things. It's quite annoy-"

"Can we get back to Uncle!?" The phone nearly flew off the table from the force of Uncle's voice.

"Yeah, back to what's actually important," Jade agreed. "Uncle, is Scruffy okay?"

"Scruffy is fine!" Uncle snapped. Indeed, they could hear him barking in the background. Jade sighed with relief. "But Uncle needs help!"

"Absolutely," Hestia told him, her voice calm and reassuring, "but first we're going to need more information. Where exactly are you right now?"

Just then, there was a loud _thump,_ followed by an angry scream.

"And what was _that_!?"

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

The car didn't even stop as an Indian man slammed into the car's hood and bounced back, smacking the windshield before he was sent flying. In the moment before he went out of sight, Uncle saw a third eye on his forehead.

"What in the world!?" Taqiyah gasped, when suddenly their car was jostled from his side. A pair of locals, a man and a woman, were tackling the car. Both had eyes on their foreheads, as well. As Bindi expertly swerved the car away from them, they got a look around them. Snake-bees were everywhere, swooping down and biting the locals. Every victim went silent and gained a third eye. A mob of them gathered, surrounding the car and tackling.

"Surrender, wizard!" they said in unison. "There is no escape!"

"Uncle, what's going on!?" Jade demanded from the phone.

"Keep talking!" Taqiyah told the old man. "We'll handle this!"

The driver nodded and revved the engine, smashing through the mob as gently as he could. He sped off, but the thralls followed, sprinting alongside the vehicle. With a grunt, Taqiyah rolled down his window and, holding the roof of the car, swung himself out and onto the roof in a move that even Jackie would have to respect. He stood on one leg in a yoga pose before cracking his knuckles and punching away the civilians. His blows were nonlethal, but the people went flying. During all of this, Uncle continued to explain the situation as quickly as he could.

As the thralls surged forward, blocking the car's path, Taqiyah swung his fists to repel them, rolling along the car's hood. Snake-bees swarmed and swooped, but he expertly dodged them, jumping back onto the trunk as the car shot forward. But the creatures weren't finished. They came down on a pair of civilians, a nice-looking pair of young women, about college-aged, and jabbed their stingers hard. Immediately afterwards, the snake-bees fell down, dead, but Uncle and the others hardly noticed, staring at their victims. The duo screamed and clutched their punctures as their flesh turned blue. Third eyes appeared on their foreheads, and their muscles swelled, turning them into lopsided monstrosities. Their fingernails sharpened into lethal claws, and their feet grew until they burst out of their shoes. The pair leapt at the car, which inched out of the way just in time, but they just pounced again. Taqiyah swung his arms and repelled them, retreating to the top of the car again as they gained ground, climbing up onto the trunk.

"He needs help!" Turban muttered, reaching for the window controls, but Bindi tapped the window controls and child locks, trapping him inside. "What are you doing, Manish?" he demanded.

"Gautama can handle himself," the driver, Manish, replied. "There is not enough room for two atop this car. Besides, our mission is not to eliminate the thralls, but to transport the old man. Right now, Jitendra, your only job is to keep the Chi wizard safe. Let others handle the fighting for now."

The man in the turban, Jitendra, scowled and crossed his arms, but sat back in his seat as he listened to the struggle.

Atop the car, Gautama ducked one set of claws and kicked out above him. One mutated woman went flying directly into another, and the yoga master gave one good push to send them both careening back into the road. There was no time to celebrate, though, as a dozen snake-bees approached from above. Gautama noticed just in time and rolled away as they swooped, grabbing the roof and throwing himself back into the car. The snake-bees followed, and just as he was pressing the button to roll up the window, one swooped down. The window just barely avoided closing right on its tail, and the creature lunged, ready to bite. Gautama cringed, but there was nowhere to go as the beast seemed to come down in slow motion.

Then, with a cheerful bark, Scruffy jumped up and tackled the snake-bee, bashing it against the window. The sound of breaking bones filled the car as the creature's body squirmed for a moment, before dropping like a limp windsock. Panting happily, Scruffy turned to settle into Gautama's lap, only to yelp as the snake-bee's body, its reflexes still intact, embedded its stinger into Scruffy's leg.

"Aiyah!" Uncle screamed again.

"What?" Jade's voice came from the phone. "What's happening? Is Scruffy okay!?"

"Dog is fine!" Uncle lied, urging Gautama to do something as Scruffy began to swell in size. "No need to worry!"

Gautama raised a scraggly eyebrow and stared as the little dog's teeth grew. A third eye blossomed on Scruffy's forehead, and he snarled and writhed in the yogi's hands. Desperate, the yogi flung open his door and threw the dog out, where Scruffy continued his transformation. He grew to the size of a grizzly bear, his fur turning an ugly charcoal. He let loose a howl and charged the car as Manish gunned the engine.

The car sped forward, but Scruffy soon caught up, lunging at the bumper and biting down with enough force to tear the metal..

"We need to shake him!" Manish shouted, his angular features streaked with sweat.

"Roll down Uncle's window!" the old wizard demanded. Manish raised an eyebrow, but complied.

Uncle shed a single tear for his great niece's pet as he raised his blowfish and fired a blast at her beloved dog. What was once Scruffy yelped and whined as the blast caught him in the face and sent him rolling back in the uneven road, but he recovered and kept chasing. A couple more blasts, though, and the dog was slowed enough to give them breathing room. Then they turned a few sharp corners and Scruffy was out of sight. Despite the shabbiness of the vehicle, without the monstrous dog at their heels, the old car finally escaped the horde and zoomed away, safe for the moment.

"Are you safe, dear?" Hestia asked, Uncle somehow having managed to keep the phone the whole time.

"We are approaching our base," Manish announced as they sped through the city. The neighborhood was much poorer than the ones they'd visited, filled with broken windows and dark alleys. "And the monsters have stopped following. I think we are in the clear - for now, at least."

"I doubt it'll last that long," Jitendra said, scowling. "At the rate the influence is spreading, it will reach us sooner rather than later. Especially with those abominations patrolling the city."

"We must hurry!" Uncle demanded. The car stopped in front of a particularly ramshackle house, and all of the passengers darted out. They ran directly into the domicile, covering as much of themselves as they could and spending less than ten seconds outside.

"Seriously, Uncle," Jade's voice rang out. " _What happened to Scruffy?!_ "

"Nothing that cannot be undone by depowering koan-spouting monk!" Uncle snapped. "Now, let Uncle work!"

"Yogi Mohajah will know what to do," Jitendra huffed. "He is wise beyond all, the greatest mystic in the world!"

"Wait, 'Mohajah?'" Jade cried as a memory of the last time in India came back to her. "I know that guy! He couldn't even hang on to a tiny relic! Uncle Jackie and I had to keep it out of the Ganges!"

"Silence, child!" Gautama growled. "Yogi Mohajah is our only hope of undoing this spread of wicked magic!"

"And yet, I cannot fault the girl for her skepticism," came a calm, accented voice, ringing throughout the room. "Our showing the last time we met was, perhaps, less than inspiring."

As Uncle looked around for the source, a man exited the nearest door. He wasn't much to look at; quite short and likely older than Uncle, he had a grey mustache and beard, and thin but very long eyebrows. His hair was hidden beneath a turban, bigger than Jitendra's, and with a strip of red cloth dangling down. Despite his age, he moved with grace and ease, and his eyes belied a peaceful and steady spirit. "Greetings," the man said, bowing in Uncle's direction. "I am Mohajah. We have not met in person, but I have had the... _pleasure_ of meeting your mind. If I am not mistaken, your name is-"

"Names not important!" Uncle snapped. "Can old yogi help Uncle or not?"

"Show some respect!" Manish snapped, glaring at Uncle. "Yogi Mohajah-"

"Is quite capable of speaking for himself, thank you Manish," Mohajah said, calmly. "Like I said, your skepticism is understandable. It is, however, entirely useless, so kindly let it rest. Besides, we only have so long before your grandniece's pet leads those creatures right to our door."

"Before he does what, now?!" Jade cried out.

"Jade, please!" Prometheus snapped. From the sounds that rang out, there was clearly a scuffle going on, ending in the Titan seizing the phone. "Alright, whoever you are. What makes you think you can be of assistance to us? What mortal is prepared to face the power of a Greek god?"

"I am of an ancient and powerful order, Titan," Mohajah replied, still maddeningly calm. "A group of mystics, masters of both the martial arts, and the magic ones. This order stretches back for millennia, and we have dealt with your ilk before."

"Wait a minute," came Hestia's voice. "You mean your order were the ones to-"

"Stop the conquest of your debauched wine god?" Mohajah interrupted. "Indeed."

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"What's he talking about?" Jade asked, looking up at the two deities.

"When Dionysus, God of Wine, was no more than a teenager, he amassed a cult of followers and tried to spread his reign on earth," Hestia explained. "They marched across the continent, gaining greater and greater numbers, until they reached India. But, surprisingly, a large number of local mystics and shamans repelled his forces with styles of magic the nascent god had never seen."

"It was the first victory of mankind over the gods," Prometheus added, giving a respectful nod. "Olympus struck back with plagues, but India stayed a strong country."

"And our records of that conflict were meticulously maintained," Mohajah added. "I cannot claim their level of power, but my strength is more than sufficient for dealing with this pretender."

"This is no pretender, mystic," Prometheus growled. "With this power infusing him, he may as well be the goddess Hera reborn."

" _There's_ an ugly image," Jade said with a wince.

"What's more," Prometheus went on, ignoring Jade, "to command this many mortals and creatures, he must be using another god's power in concert. That makes him even more deadly."

"Take a weapon from a soldier and hand it to a novice, and they are still a pretender," Mohajah said, seemingly unfazed by Prometheus's frustration. "The monk may have godly power, but he lacks Hera's focus, her knowledge, her sheer will. He wields her magic sloppily...although I must admit, that does make him all the more dangerous. I am not diminishing his threat; only his importance."

"All of that can change if he is left unchecked," Hestia warned. "And keep in mind, Dionysus was one thing; Hera is something else entirely, both in power and motive. Not only was Dionysus merely a demigod at the time, this place would have been hardly more than a footnote in his drunken conquest. Hera, meanwhile, is queen of the gods, and wants this country for all that it represents."

"Be more specific!" Uncle snapped. "Annoying deities are talking in riddles!"

"India is a collection of everything that Hera loved: rigid social castes, arranged marriages with strong disapproval of divorce, and an enormous number of very spiritual citizens, eager for a god on earth," Hestia continued, ignoring Uncle's outburst. "Furthermore, so many of her symbols are revered: the cow, the peacock, the lotus…"

"Hera-palooza, got it," Jade snapped, "but we gotta _do something_! That old creep has Uncle Jackie, Big T, _and_ my pooch!"

"And indeed, we shall," Prometheus said. "Uncle, do you still have that vial I gave you?"

"Yes, Uncle still has it!" Uncle snapped. "Made for _very_ uncomfortable car ride! Should not have kept it in back pocket..."

"Right," said Prometheus, rolling his eyes. "Look, I'm going to need you to smash it on the floor on my signal."

"And what is in vial?" Uncle asked, a note of condescension in his voice. "Purification spell? Protective shield?"

"It's a bottled portal," Prometheus groaned. "It's how I got to you back when this whole mess started; I had one rigged to activate as soon as someone did that ritual. They're tricky, complicated, and the ingredients are hard to come by nowadays, but I had a feeling that it would come in handy today."

"Yes, I can see why you would have difficulty. Fresh mandrake root is hard to come by," Mahajah interjected.

"How did you-?"

"Power of the mind. That said, let us move with haste. I feel warped presences on the edge of my perception."

"That means they're about a mile away," Manish clarified.

"Impressive. Few yogis have a range that far," Hestia mused. "I'll get Captain Black; he'll gather a task force and-" she continued, before being interrupted by the sound of shattering glass coming over the phone. Almost at the same time, a massive swirling disk of fire emerged in front of Prometheus, who glared at the phone.

"I told you to wait for my signal!" he growled. "This thing only lasts about a minute!"

"The dog just burst through the door and bit the old man's arm!" Jitendra replied. "He had to drop it!"

"Ugh, of course," Prometheus grumbled, shoving his hands into his coat pockets. "Figures that _this_ is what ended up happening...now where are they...ah!" He pulled his hands out triumphantly, clutching two golden bands that shone with an otherworldly brilliance.

"Wait, what are-?" Jade started to ask, before Prometheus unceremoniously grabbed her backpack, shoved the bands in, and thrust it into her arms.

"Talk later!" he snapped, and with a single shove, pushed her through the portal right as it was beginning to close.

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

Back at Mahajah's base, just as the portal was disappearing, Jade was vomited screaming out of it, flying across the room. Luckily, she was able to adjust her trajectory, allowing her to land with both feet planted on a wall before flipping onto the ground.

The house was a whirlwind of activity. Gautama and Jitendra were currently attempting to block the door with their bodies, key word being "attempting". The doors were already all but off their hinges, and a mass of groping hands was currently shoving them backwards. Manish, meanwhile, was attempting to dislodge a monstrous Scruffy from Uncle's right arm with a series of precise blows to the back of the dog's neck. Lastly, Mahajah looked to be in a meditative trance, his body going through the motions of a complex martial arts form while his eyes were firmly fixed on the door.

The struggle against the door was calmed for a moment, and Gautama and Jitendra were able to force it shut and lock it, then turned their attention to Scruffy. The three acolytes leapt upon the beast and struck at his sides, and Scruffy released Uncle to growl and snap at them. The massive dog-beast snarled and moved in, but the trio jumped back just in time. Slinging her bag onto her back, Jade then jumped forward and slapped Scruffy across the nose. "Bad dog!" Jade ordered. "Sit!"

Scruffy howled and charged his master, pinning her under a paw as he leered down, a line of saliva dripping down onto her face. "Uh...please?" Jade begged.

A second later, Scruffy was knocked off of his feet as Jitendra, Gautama, and Manish tackled him from the side. "A valiant effort, child," Jitendra said as they tried to hold Scruffy against the wall, "but such magic is not easily overcome, especially by lesser minds."

There was a grunt of anguish, and Mohajah fell to the floor, as if pushed by an invisible hand. The banging on the door resumed; great thumps, as if the thralls were all attacking at once. "I'm sorry!" Mohajah apologized. "I cannot hold them for long! There are too many, and they still have their minds!"

"You need to retreat!" Prometheus told them. Uncle paused. He had forgotten that he was still on the line. "Wherever you are, you're in no shape to fight!"

Jade scampered over to the window. She could see a car on the street. Based on the pops and squeals she'd heard over the phone, the old jalopy had to be what the acolytes had driven. Her hands flew to the pane, trying to open it, but it was stuck fast.

Just then, the door burst off its hinges and a troop of brainwashed minions rushed in, both regular and raging. Uncle and Mohajah moved to try and hold them off, each striking a martial arts pose (though from completely different styles) as Uncle whipped out his blowfish. All the while, Scruffy snarled and barked.

Jade's eyes flashed to her dog. Desperate, she reached into her bag. With a smile, she clutched Hestia's cookie and held it up high. "Oh, Scruffy~!" she called. "Who wants a cookie? Yum-yum, cookie! So tasty!"

The hulking beast stopped barking as his eyes snapped to the treat in Jade's hand. With a howl, he launched himself at her, eager to snap it up, but Jade sidestepped just in time, sending Scruffy to crash his head straight through the window.

"Sorry boy!" Jade said, tearing up a bit as broken glass cascaded around Scruffy's dazed form. Luckily (or very _un_ luckily) he was only stunned, and quickly removed himself from the gaping hole in the wall. He turned and bared his teeth at Jade, but she held the cookie high again, this time throwing it directly into the center of the troop of thralls. Scruffy took off after it, knocking down the slaves, and Jade grabbed Uncle's hand. "Everybody out!" she cried, leaping through the hole.

Uncle groaned as he hit the ground, but Jade yanked him to his feet and let the others follow. Ducking a swarm of snake-bees, they dashed to the car and threw open the doors, jumping in and slamming them shut as the thralls poured out, now aided by the airborne serpents/insects as they pounded the car from all sides. Manish, back in the driver's seat, locked the car up tight, but the enemy forces just kept attacking.

"We're trapped!" Gautama howled as the car started to rock.

"Master, what do we do?" Jitendra asked. There was a loud _crack_ as a snake-bee threw itself against the windshield.

"Do not panic," Mohajah warned, struggling to speak from his position squished between his two largest followers. "Collect yourselves. As long as we live, we can fight."

"Ai-yah!" Uncle cried from the front seat. " _That_ is best advice great yogi can give?!" He reached out to give Mohajah a two-fingered strike, but the old yogi caught his wrist and delivered a two-fingered strike of his own. "Ow! How did-?"

"I knew you'd been wanting to do that," Mohajah said with a smirk, tapping his temple. "Power of the mind."

"Speaking of that, Uncster, how did you escape from Zhixin?" Jade asked, eyeing the old man.

Uncle stopped rubbing his forehead and stared. "Uncle ran while Jackie held him off," he said.

"Yeah, I get that. But he didn't even tell you to stop? Everyone obeys him, right?"

Uncle thought back to that moment when Zhixin gave him an order. "Uncle...started to stop," he realized, "but kept running."

"The old man has stronger willpower than Jackie or Tohru," Prometheus explained, his voice filling the car. "It gave him more resistance. To defeat the power of Hera, you'll have to keep up your own mental strength."

"You're still on the line?" Jade gasped, amazed as she grabbed Uncle's phone.

"Yes, and it's going to cost the old man a fortune," Prometheus replied. Jade swore she could actually hear the titan's eyes roll. "He forgot to set up an international plan. Anyway, I can't tell you too much thanks to Hestia, so I'll just give you some advice: figure out exactly what you need to do, then get what you need to do it. Understand?"

"Not at all," Jade answered. "Those are the most generic, non-indicative instructions you could've possibly given."

"Well, guess that's just too bad. Looks like the Party wins this one." The phone clicked off.

"Jerk," Jade muttered. There was a _ping_ , and a new text message popped up. _GUILTY!,_ followed by an emoji sticking out its tongue _._ "Ugh, okay, what do we need?"

"Must remove power of Hera from annoying old man," Uncle replied. "Already have spell ready, but need symbol of goddess: something from plant or animal sacred to her."

"Hestia said those were the peacock, the cow, and the lotus," Jade said, reeling a little as the car continued to rock. "I don't suppose you guys have something like that?" she asked, turning to Mohajah and his acolytes.

"Actually, yes," Mohajah answered. He reached into his turban and pulled out a slightly wilted lotus blossom. "The scent aids in my meditations, but I believe this would be a far nobler purpose."

"That's convenient but whatever," Jade muttered. "Next problem: We gotta _get_ to the old man. Alive and uncontrolled."

"That will be slightly more difficult," Manish groaned, frantically jerking the wheel back and forth. The car swayed slightly, but the crowd of thralls was too dense for him to get the car moving. "The monk is amassing more and more slaves by the minute, and those monstrous serpents could easily enslave us, as well."

"Indeed, the venom of those abominations the monk created is our greatest problem," Jitendra agreed.

"Uncle," Jade said. "Think you can whip up some magic protection from those things?"

"In shaking car?!" Uncle howled, but he pulled out his bag of ingredients and started dumping tincture of tortoise shell, rat teeth, and olive oil into the mix. "Ugh, Uncle will try."

"There is another factor to consider," Mohajah interjected. "When I entered the minds of those thralls earlier, I was able to gain some interesting insight. Despite still holding wills of their own, all of the minds under the monk's control are not only tied together, but also stretch back to a singular originating point."

"In English, please," Jade groaned.

"The monk can see and hear everything his slaves do," Mohajah clarified. "Presumably his stolen powers keeps the accumulated information from obliterating his sense of self."

"And this is helpful how?" Jade asked, rolling her eyes. "We knew he was messing with their heads already."

"Yes, but now we know we can actually reach the monk through his thralls," Jitendra said. "If we capture one, perhaps Yogi Mohajah-"

But the old yogi shook his head. "It would take too long to reach his mind from such a distant connection," he said. "And even if I could, he could just as easily overpower me. If he obtains access to my senses, let alone my will, the world will be in even graver peril."

"Well, that's good to know at least," Jade said, wincing as a particularly abrupt movement pressed her backpack into her back. "Ugh, what'd Prometheus even put in here?" she asked, taking it off and opening it. As she did, the bright shine of gold illuminated the car.

"Gah! Bright light _very_ bad for Uncle's concentration!" Uncle snapped. But Jade ignored him, her attention fixed on the contents of the backpack.

"Are those…?" she mused, before her eyes lit up. "Wait, these are perfect! Uncle, keep mixing! I think I've got a plan - but it's a risky one, and I don't have time to explain."

"I can read minds, child. I see your idea," Mohajah said, calmly. "Indeed, it is quite risky. But at the moment, it is the best plan we have."

At that moment, Scruffy burst through the wall of the safehouse and dashed through the thralls, crashing into the side of the car. The vehicle nearly flipped over from the impact, and Uncle nearly lost his entire potion. "Aiyah!" he howled as he dumped robins' eggshells into the brew. "You want protective potion? Yes? Then buy Uncle more time!"

"Gimme the blowfish, then!" Jade snapped. She seized the fish and rolled down a window, firing blasts in all directions. The rocking stopped for a few moments, but the thralls and Scruffy kept coming back. There were dozens of them on all sides now, all vying to get in.

A puff of green smoke filled the car. "Hot cha!" Uncle yelled. "Uncle thinks he has it. But was rush job. Might not work."

"Gotta take the chance," Jade told him. "Cover us up!"

Uncle nodded and ladled up potion, throwing it at all six people in the car, soaking their clothes and skin. "Now what?"

"Now we get out and fight! Come on, this is our last stand!"

The doors clicked unlocked and all four flew open, sending thralls reeling back. Manish, Gautama, and Jitendra leapt out, punching and kicking their way through the crowd. Jade was right behind them, kicking at shins and groins, and anything else to bring down as many as possible. Uncle took his blowfish back from Jade and blasted away, while Mohajah dodged and weaved through the crowd, moving almost as if he had no bones at all. His strikes seemed weak at first, but every thrall he hit collapsed to the ground, completely paralyzed.

Snake-bees swooped down, attracted by the frenzy of combat, but Uncle's magic balm proved successful. Much like bug spray, the ointment made them undetectable to the creatures, twisting their senses and sending them flying in circles. For a while, it seemed that the six might actually have a chance, but the thralls kept coming, and when Scruffy joined the fight, it was all but over. The dog-beast tackled and stomped, cutting off all escape, and the last resistance in Agra disappeared in a swarm of bodies.

 **0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"Did you fools think you could actually oppose _me_?" Zhixin sneered as he paced before the six, his tail unfurled to its fullest length. After their defeat, Jade and the others had been restrained by thralls and dragged all the way back to the main chamber of the Taj Mahal, where Zhixin had commandeered several thralls for form a human throne. Jackie and Tohru stood on either side, their faces completely blank even as Zhixin continued to taunt. "That a few mere mortals could ever hope to topple the power of a god, let alone their queen?"

"Uh...kinda?" Jade answered with a forced smile. She had stopped struggling, her jacket dangling from Scruffy's clenched jaws.

"You are but insects before me," Zhixin continued. "No, lower! Thanks to the power of Aristaeus, god of beekeeping, even the insects know to bow before me."

"Ah, so that is how you were able to control so many minds," Mohajah said calmly. "It explains the rigid structure of their thought patterns; you created a literal 'hive mind'."

"Must annoying old monk always go on and on?" Uncle scoffed. "What is point of bragging about the powers of bee god?"

"Will you people be silent for once in your miserable lives?!" Zhixin snapped, the gem on his ferronnière glowing brightly. In an instant, Uncle and Mohajah's mouths snapped shut, causing them to wince. However, a moment later, they were able to reopen them.

"Hm...it seems your power is weaker than you thought," Mohajah mused. "Against wills as strong as ours, a command like that is easily ignored."

"Only for now, yogi. Only for now," Zhixin hissed. "Besides, would you be so confident if you felt the full force of my mind bearing down on yours? The entire city of Agra took next to no effort; you will barely be more of a challenge."

"That's what the bad guy always says," Jade snarked. "It never works. Why don't you ask that army of Shadowkhan blocking out the sun? Oh, wait. You can't."

Zhixin let out an exasperated growl. "Ancient wisdom," he snarled. "The cornered rat should know when to surrender to the cat. You would be wise to hold that tongue of yours. After all, what I cannot control, I shall destroy! It just remains to be seen which category _you_ fall into, brat."

"Indian proverb" Mohajah mused. "To control the mind is like trying to control a drunken monkey that has been bitten by a scorpion. My forebears were right in their descriptions of the gods. Petty and overconfident."

"My confidence is spot-on, mystic. And you will be my key to world conquest when you help me infiltrate more minds than ever before! The irony! The last remnants of the sect that repelled Dionysus, now helping Hera conquer the globe!"

"Enough with the Bond villain monologue!" Jade snapped. "Seriously, do you _ever_ stop talking? No wonder your friends ditched you in Sweden; they must've been thrilled that you'd been shut up for once!"

"Silence, whelp!" Zhixin howled. The gem on his ferronnière flashed once again, and for a moment Jade's mouth clamped shut, but she soon ripped it open again. In fact, she did it even faster than Uncle and Mohajah had done.

"Sorry, bub. I'm awful at listening to people; just ask Uncle Jackie," Jade snarked.

"True," Zhixin mused, "you do have a particularly strong resistance to the powers of Hera. Not to mention, I still have months of misery inside that accursed Lotus Temple that I have you to thank for…"

"Wouldn't that only be a few days, since it only exists on nights of the full moon?" Jade asked, raising an eyebrow.

"You think you're so clever, don't you? Zhixin sneered. "But you've made a fatal error. You've given me no reason to keep you alive," he continued, the eyespots on his feathers glowing as he concentrated power within them. "If I cannot make you my thrall, I will reduce you to ash! Any last words?"

"Yeah!" Jade shot back with a grin. "Scritchy-scratchy!"

Zhixin was taken aback. "Uh...what?"

With a flash of light, two new arms reached out from Jade's hoodie and reached up to scratch Scruffy behind the ears. The dog moaned in delight, and with the strength of four arms, Jade pried his jaws open and escaped. In a flash, she had batted the hands of the thralls holding her companions aside, freeing each of them in turn.

Zhixin stared at them, aghast. "This can't...but how?! How could you wield such-" he began, only to stop short when he noticed something around the wrists of Jade's original arms: a pair of golden bangles. "Those bracelets…"

"Oh, you recognize them? Guess that 'ancient wisdom' is good for something after all," Jade sneered, flexing with all four arms. "But I don't think you'll be able to beat the Armbands of Shiva with a mangled metaphor or two."

"Can't believe old man decided to rummage through Uncle's closets!" Uncle griped. "Uncle's home is off-limits to meddling Titans!"

"Still, his choice is much appreciated," Mohajah said, stretching out in order to recover from the confinement. "It was a yogi of my sect who forged those bands in the first place; which makes me uniquely suited to tuning them. A few minor adjustments, and they work better than they ever had."

Zhixin gritted his teeth and glared at the old mystic. "Forget using you for conquest," he growled. "I need to make an example. Kill them all!" he ordered his slaves, his gem flashing bright.

"Uncle, the removal spell!" Jade shouted. Uncle nodded and pulled out the chi-o-matic, along with a bottle of potion and Mohajah's lotus pod. Just as he did, though, Zhixin fired a blast and vaporized the flower. "Oh...that's unfortunate," Jade said with a grimace.

"Ai-yaah! Why does this keep happening?!" Uncle screeched.

"Worry about it later! I'll take the monk!" Mohajah announced. "The rest of you handle the thralls!"

"Dibs on Scruffy and Uncle Jackie!" Jade cried, kicking aside a pair of slaves to reach her uncle.

"Uncle will take care of wayward former apprentice!" Uncle added, blasting another pair away to get to Tohru.

"Which leaves us...the entire population of Agra," Manish groaned, as he and his fellow disciples began tearing through thralls.

The Taj had never before and would never again see such chaos as so many people fighting their way across its grounds and through its halls. Manish, Gautama, and Jitendra did their best to form a blockade and keep thralls from slipping through to their master as they spun and punched, ducking and weaving the many blows thrown at them. At the same time as they were desperately trying to fight them back onto the grounds, the snake-bees were buzzing all around; Uncle's ointment still protected them, but the sheer density of people occasionally pushed them into each other. Whenever this happened, the three took immediate action to dislodge the deadly creature, but each time forced them back further.

"The girl and the old man better be having as hard a time as us right now!" Jitendra growled as he grappled with one of the young women first mutated by the snake-bee bites.

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"I don't wanna hurt ya, Uncle Jackie! I really don't!" Jade snarled. Jackie gave no reply, simply dashing forward and twisting his wrist for a devastating punch. Jade ducked it just in time, and it instead struck Scruffy behind her, sending the monster dog skidding back. Scruffy howled and charged, but Jade backflipped underneath the pooch as it skidded into Jackie, then grabbing his tail with all four hands and pulling. Scruffy yelped and instinctively bit down on the nearest thing - Jackie's arm. Jackie cried out in agony as he beat the beast around the head and neck with his remaining arm, and Scruffy released him, leaving behind holes that dripped blood onto the polished tiles of the floor.

"Okay…" Jade continued, grimacing. "This isn't the best proof of that. But come on! You gotta fight this! Just focus!"

Jackie bared his teeth in response, the third eye on his forehead flashing as he threw himself at Jade. Jade jumped up just as he hit the floor, sliding down the tile, and then came down with a foot directly on his spine. "You're better than this! Better than that monk! Come on! Gimme all you got! Tell him to get out of your head!"

Jackie pushed off the floor, sending Jade flying, then popped back up just in time to catch Jade, holding her by her hoodie. Jade stared at him in disbelief as he wrapped a hand around her throat.

Meanwhile, Uncle flung himself aside as Tohru charged him, just barely avoiding a collision comparable to a pickup truck hitting a brick wall as Tohru slammed into the crowd of thralls. For good measure, Uncle blasted him in the back, but the giant shook it off and turned back for another go.

"Student thinks he's become master, so no need for Uncle, eh?!" Uncle snapped, diving away from another charge. "Ungrateful! Who took you in after mercenary friends kicked you out?"

Tohru gave no visual response to the taunting, instead attempting to drag Uncle into a grapple. The old man managed to duck under his encircling arms and roll to the side, blasting at the sumo with his blowfish.

"Put roof over your head! Gave you bed, job, and food! So much food! And still you turn on Uncle?!"

Tohru growled, but said nothing as he began throwing punches. Uncle ducked low to avoid them, but there was an audible crack from the old man's spine. Uncle cried out in pain, but kept moving.

"But Uncle is no fool! Did not take in known criminal without knowing a few of his weaknesses! Remember how Uncle sprays for bugs?"

Scowling, Uncle raised a foot and slammed it down onto Tohru's much larger one. The giant howled in pain and began hopping on one foot, his injured foot's sandal flying off and striking the wall. Uncle fired another blast and Tohru toppled, the shockwave of his fall throwing everybody into the air. Zhixin was momentarily distracted, and Mohajah took the opportunity to deliver a crane kick, but Zhixin flattened himself and let it pass over, then righted himself and roundhouse kicked the old master.

As Jackie stumbled, Jade took the opportunity to wriggle free from Jackie's grip, throwing a few punches, but Jackie caught her by the wrist and lifted her back into the air. He stared at the bands on her wrists, and his two natural eyes narrowed. With what appeared to be great difficulty, he opened his mouth to speak. "What...have I told you...about playing with magic?!" he demanded. Before she could answer, his lightning-fast hands had ripped the bands from her and tossed them away - directly in front of Zhixin.

With a laugh, Zhixin seized the relics and snapped them on. Two new arms extended from his robe, making him look eerily similar to the image of a Hindu god on a nearby tapestry. He charged up four simultaneous blasts and fired. Beads of sweat fell as Mohajah sprung upward and twisted his limbs around his torso, performing an exceptionally difficult horizontal midair Bharadvaja's Twist pose that saved him by about a quarter of an inch.

"Your weekend hobbies will not save you from my godly might!" Zhixin howled as he charged up again, this time adding another four blasts from his eyespots. Mohajah gave no reply, but focused the entirety of his mind's strength on penetrating Zhixin's thoughts. His only hope to stay alive now was to keep predicting the monk's moves, dodging them until an opportunity arose.

As all this occurred, Jade gave Jackie a thoughtful look. His glare was angry, but something else was there. Something...paternal. Authoritative, even. With a smile, a new idea came to her. An idea that let her do what she did best. She went slack and slipped out of her hoodie, landing on the floor before Jackie. She dodged his fists as she grabbed an antique fan from the wall. "Hey, Jackie!" she laughed. "I'm touching the antiques!"

Jackie fumed and sprinted towards her. Scruffy lunged, too, but Jade dodged them both, and tore up the fan in front of him. "Oops!" Jade smirked. "I broke it!"

"Don't...touch!" Jackie moaned.

As they fought, Tohru returned to his feet, but began treading more lightly as he continued his attempts to catch his master. Uncle's weaving had slowed as well, but his anger was only growing stronger. The old man tapped into his kung fu skills as he struck at Tohru's wrists, knocking the giant's enormous mitts away. One strike got by, though, and Uncle went flying, but he retaliated with a blast to Tohru's face that sent the giant stumbling backwards.

As this happened, Jackie went for Jade again. Jade ducked through his legs and started drilling her shoe into the tile floor.

"I'm getting the floor dirty, too!" she yelled. "AND I'M USING MY OUTDOOR VOICE!"

Jackie's face began changing color, turning a fresh red, then purple as he tackled his niece, pinning her to the floor. When they hit, the nearby Tohru stumbled, his tender toe hitting the floor. He yelped in pain and was hit by one of Zhxin's blasts that missed its mark. He fell backwards, his mammoth behind narrowly missing Jackie's legs.

"Come on, Jackie!" Jade begged as her uncle pinned her arms to her sides. Jackie didn't answer, but began to squeeze. Jade could feel the pressure on her arms. They would buckle soon. "Zhixin's not in charge! You are! Don't let anybody make you feel powerless! And remember: I'm supposed to be grounded!"

Jackie's eyes flashed at these words. He heaved a few deep breaths, saying nothing. He gritted his teeth and closed his eyes, the pressure clearly building. He dropped Jade, his hands flying to his head. The eye on his forehead went wide, then vanished. Exhausted, Jackie slumped down with a long sigh.

"Heh," Jade laughed. "Nothing gets an adult riled up like a naughty kid. Welcome back, Jack...ie."

"Thank you," Jackie panted. "But we are not out of the woods yet!" He pointed to Zhixin, who was still firing away at Mohajah. Every moment the battle extended, Zhixin increased his number of shots; at this point more than half his tail had turned into a magical artillery canon. The old yogi was executing all sorts of moves to avoid him (frog pose, camel pose, yoga headstand pose), but he was tiring. His body flowed like water, but he was sweating buckets from the strain.

Worse, by this point Zhixin had noticed that Jackie had escaped his control and turned two hands and multiple feathers on the archaeologist and his niece. He didn't even deviate from fighting Mohajah, putting the mental division granted by Aristaeus to deadly use. As he fired, Jackie used what was left of his strength, combined with Jade and Uncle, to haul Tohru to his feet to intercept the blast. Tohru slammed into a wall, pinning Scruffy behind him.

"Ancient wisdom," the monk growled. "Whatever the damage to the hive, the swarm shall rebuild."

"Uh...what?" Jade asked, giving Zhixin a funny look. "I mean, I know what you're getting at, but...what?"

"Some things never change! Old monk _terrible_ at metaphors!" Uncle scoffed, turning his nose up at Zhixin.

" _Never_ question my wisdom!" Zhixin snarled. "If I say two plus two equals five, then that shall become the truth! And now I say that you will never escape this place alive! Either submit as my slaves or die here! Lest you forget, you have nothing to fuel your removal spell!"

"You didn't return with something?" Jackie demanded, turning to Uncle with a pained expression. Snake-bees began dive-bombing him, but Jackie ducked and wove through them, eventually standing on one hand and spinning to repel them with his feet.

"Of course we did!" Jade snapped. "But it got destroyed!"

Jackie flipped back to his feet. "There must be something!" he insisted. "What were Hera's symbols again?"

"Lotus flowers, peacocks, and cows!" Mohajah cried over his shoulder, still dodging Zhixin's blasts.

The crowd began to converge around the group, surging through Mohajah's followers and surrounding Jackie's family on all sides. Tohru moved in on the family, and Jackie threw himself forward to stop the giant. As he did, he spied Tohru's bare foot. With split-second timing, Jackie retreated from the giant and spied Tohru's lost shoe by the wall, behind a horde of Zhixin's slaves. He grabbed Jade around the waist and hefted her up. "Jade," he cried, "toss Uncle that shoe!" With that, he tossed Jade across the room.

Jade didn't hesitate to retrieve the lost footwear, but shrugged before tossing it to her elder. The shoe landed at Uncle's feet, and Jackie moved to defend the old man as the thralls moved in.

"What is Uncle supposed to do with _this_?" Uncle demanded as he bent down to retrieve the sandal.

"The strap!" Jackie told him. "It's made of leather!"

"Ha!" Zhixin laughed. "You must truly be desperate, thinking such a meager thing would serve as a proper catalyst. You might as well surrender now!"

"Maybe...but Uncle would rather go down fighting!" Uncle shot back, pulling the chi-o-matic from his back and aiming it at Zhixin with one hand. With the other, he deftly pulled a vial from his vest pocket and handed both it and the sandal to Jackie. "Pour potion over strap!"

Jackie nodded and pulled the vial's cork with his teeth, drenching the shoe in an olive oil-heavy potion.

Zhixin growled and raised all four arms to blast, but Jade and Mohajah tackled him from both sides, each restraining one set. They only managed to hang on for a moment before Zhixin spread his already charged tail feathers, but that was time enough for Uncle to take the sandal back.

With a smirk, the old chi wizard held his chi-o-matic high and began to chant. _"Theía Dýnami, Afíste Grígora! Theía Dýnami, Afíste Grígora!"_

The device lit up and spun, firing a beam of light directly into Zhixin's chest. The monk was held in place as blue-green energy drained out of him and into the chi-o-matic's containment jar. Caught off guard, Zhixin screamed and collapsed on the tiled floor as the trappings of Hera's power began to dissipate, flowing into the stream of energy coming from Uncle's device.

"No, not yet! Not when I finally had the respect I deserve!" he begged as the last wisps of Hera's essence flowed out of him, leaving him mortal once more. The beam then split into innumerable threads of light, each one arcing into a citizen of Agra or snake-bee and absorbing what looked like a small peacock feather embedded in each one. As soon as it did, the afflicted victim returned to a normal human (or snake) before collapsing to the ground, completely unconscious. Scruffy howled as he shrunk down and curled up on the floor.

Zhixin's own glorious robes had since faded to their regular burgundy color, the magnificent peacock tail and ferronnière disappearing into motes of blue light. The only magic left to the old monk were the golden bands on his wrists and the painted inscriptions on all four of his palms.

"Give back the bands, Mr. Ancient Wisdom," Jade snarled, getting back to her feet as the group advanced on the monk, driving him into a corner. "You're surrounded."

"Ancient wisdom," Zhixin wheezed, two of his hands reaching behind him. "There is always a way out."

With that, he seized the rubbery gift from Eris from his pocket and gave it a good squeeze. The sound of a monstrous fart ripped through the palace, and Zhixin was engulfed in a giant lotus. When the flower vanished, the monk was gone.

"Shoulda seen _that_ coming," Jade muttered, her expression deadpan.

"Even so, it is a victory for us," Mohajah said, clapping her on the back. "The Bands of Shiva may be in the hands of evil, but the power of Hera is not. And more importantly, neither is the population of India. We owe you Chans yet another great debt for your assistance."

"Though perhaps we might have a little more ridding the palace of these kraits?" Jitendra asked, holding up a handful of snakes. "Best we harvest them while they sleep."

Looking over the packed palace, filled with unconscious snakes and citizens, Manish sighed. "It's days like these I wonder if I should have stayed a chauffeur," he groaned, putting a hand over his eyes.

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Meanwhile, back at the abandoned jeans factory, Vanessa and Kasahara were idly flicking through channels on the tv, while Eris was enjoying her new mechanical bull. Just then, a lotus emerged from the ground, the petals falling away to reveal an aggrieved Zhixin.

"Pathetic, useless, worthless!" he muttered, slamming the palm of his hand against his head. "How could I let them get the best of me like that?!"

"They're Chans. It happens," Vanessa sighed, getting up from her chair. "And it looks like you got something out of the deal anyway. Better than I did, at least."

"I don't need your false pity!" the old monk snapped.

"Are those the Bands of Shiva?" Kasahara asked, greedily looking over Zhixin's new armbands. "I could get a very handsome price for those."

"Hands off!" Zhixin shouted. "I stole them! They're mine!"

"He's right," Vanessa added. "Relic hunter's code."

"You have a code?" Kasahara asked, shocked.

"Whenever it suits us," Vanessa replied, before turning back to Zhixin. "But that's not important right now. You failed, and I'm sure it was humiliating. Let's just have a good laugh about it, and then move on and try again."

"She's right!" Eris chimed in, teleporting over to the group. "Like I said, getting the powers is all well and good, but causing chaos? _That's_ what's most important!"

"Really?" Kasahara questioned. "And why's that, aside from personal proclivities?"

At that, Eris gave a devious grin. "It's more than proclivi...whatever that word you just said was. I'm the goddess of chaos, remember? More chaos equals more power. And with what went down this past week?" she chuckled, igniting her hand with a blaze of blue flame. "I think I've got enough juice to start teaching you three some _real_ magic."

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"And so, because no person or government can truly control what goes on within the minds of its populace, any totalitarian regime is ultimately only temporary, sure to suffer a devastating fall sooner or later. It's never a question of if, only how long."

Jade looked up from her paper as Jackie, Uncle, the ex-Enforcers, and Tohru gave enthusiastic applause. Hestia gave a big smile, and Prometheus rolled his eyes, but gave a half-grin of his own.

"I think you have an A-plus paper, Jade," Tohru complemented as she took a bow.

"Chills, kid," Finn agreed.

"Thanks," Jade told them. "I guess meeting a _real_ would-be dictator gave me some inspiration. Really goes to show that sometimes, defying authority is exactly the right thing to do."

"That's why I stole fire for humanity," Prometheus said with a nod.

"And that's why I let him," Hestia agreed.

"Good work, Jade," Jackie said as he gave his niece a hug. "And thank you for helping to save me." However, he then bent down to look her in the eye. "But you do realize you're still grounded, right?"

"No I'm not."

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 _PA2: And that's a wrap! On a classic laugh line, no less!_

 **MP: Always leave 'em laughing. But before we go, we have a couple of things to say.**

 _PA2: The first is a shout-out to our friend Green Phantom Queen, who continues to contribute to this story even in the middle of online schooling. We appreciate her efforts and applaud her commitment to her craft, especially considering our second item on the docket…_

 **MP: Olympian Journey now has its own TvTropes page! We're getting bigger, no denying it!**

 _PA2: As long as we're also getting better, I have no complaints. With that in mind, anyone can feel free to edit our tropes page, to make_ it _better as well. Just no trolling, 'kay? Not like you would, but better said than unsaid._

 **MP: Now who's being wordy? Check it out when you're done here! But take the time to fave, follow, and review!**

 _PA2: Also, if you're into Miraculous Ladybug, feel free to check out our other collaborations, which can be found on MP's author page! And now then, will you do the honors of previewing the next chapter?_

 **MP: Certainly! Next time on Olympian Journey: An uncomfortable visit. A shocking reveal. A big explosion. And noodles. All this and more in "Kyoto My Heart"!**

 _PA2: We hope to see you there! Ta-ta!_


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